My thoughts on Miss America

Miss America

I’ve been watching televised pageants for as long as I can remember. In fact, the Miss Texas pageant was a scheduled event in our household, much like the one-time-a-year ABC would air Sound of Music, Wizard of Oz or the Ten Commandments. We would settle in front of the television with our TV trays and cheer on our favorite contestants. My daddy can spot a Miss America winner during the parade of states.

Sadly, that wild parade is no longer a thing. Remember when the girls had to dress in hideous outfits that somehow represent their state? To quote my sister, “I kind of miss how a girl from Nebraska would prance around with a corn cob stuck to her head.”

Indeed.

But today’s Miss America pageant isn’t your mother’s Miss America pageant. This one has scholarships, Joe Jonas as the phantom deejay and MIDRIFFS! It also has Our Host Chris Harrison in a tuxedo. Whatever vision of hotness you’re imagining right now, multiply it by 10.

It was a wild night full of unfortunate talent, a former Miss America sporting a braid and a new winner who actually uttered the phrase, “I would have to feel the ball to know for sure.”

Here’s your breakdown:

The NEW Parade of States:
Instead of making someone like Miss Texas walk around in a sparkling cowboy outfit carrying a jar of barbecue sauce and an armadillo, the new format consists of contestants sharing a quirky little tidbit about their state. Here is an example of some of the more entertaining fun facts that contestants vying for a legitimate competition actually uttered on national television:

From the state that brought you the hottest dancer Channing Tatum [audible sigh] America, YOU’RE WELCOME…I’m Miss Alabama!

We have plenty of pinot, but it’s water we need. I’m miss California!

From the home of Napoleon Dynamite, don’t vote for Pedro, vote for me! I’m Miss Idaho!

From the home of a life-size cow, completely made out of butter, moooooove over ladies, I’m Miss Iowa!

Where are waters are always shark free, I’m Miss Michigan!

From the state that brought you Kool-Aid, Oh YEAH Im Miss Nebraska!

From the state that has frequent earthquakes, I’m ready to shake things up. I’m Miss Oklahoma!

Representing the Dairy State. Come smell our “dairy air.” I’m miss Wisconsin! (Please someone tell me this was a dare.)

Vanessa Williams

2. Vanessa Williams is back!
Or she’s dropping an album. I’m not sure. But she did get to sing a song in front of a very large picture of herself that was clearly from her Ugly Betty days.

3. Nick Jonas has an English accent now.

4. During the swimsuit competition, there was a lot of bouncing going on. In the boob region. I can report that only one girl walked naturally. The rest vacillated between drill team strut and horse clomp.

5.  Is smiling with your mouth open a thing?

6.  The losers had to stay on the stage and sit on little pedestals as their dreams of becoming Miss America horse clomped in front of them down the runway.

7.  Nineteen-year-old Zandaya is a judge. I’m sure the Disney Channel and Dancing with the Stars has prepared her for this moment.

Miss America
8.  My absolute favorite part of the show is how the other girls pretend to be super excited that the girl beside them (who was just called to the front) deserves the honor more than they do. Also, there’s a new trend. When your name is called, it is mandatory that you bend all the way down into a squatting position, should your evening dress allow.

9.  Brooke Burke takes her job of remembering that this is a LIVE show very seriously. She will CUT YOU OFF even if your name is Vanessa Williams.

10.  Georgia decided to wear a midriff dress for her evening gown competition. Then she tripped. She also WON.

11.  In evening dress trends, it would appear that all the cool kids are wearing skin tight dresses that slowly mermaid out at the knee. If you’re feeling really fancy, make sure you have a 10-foot train behind you too.

12. The talent competition consisted of two dances, five singers, a piano player, a fiddler and an original monologue. Sadly, there was no ventriloquist this year.

13. The exact same camera shots were used for the judges throughout the entire two hours. PS: Winnie Cooper was a judge too!

14.  Country music would play as the shot faded to a commercial. Ironically, the music was not of celebrity guest judge Brett Eldridge. That honor went to number one iTunes artist Luke Bryan.

15.  The original monologuer, Miss Colorado, is nine-feet-tall. She wore scrubs and spoke about being a nurse. It was interesting, but the judges didn’t consider it talent.

16.  Georgia blew the competition away with her opera singing.
Miss America
17.  Miss Colorado was also asked which woman she would put on the ten-dollar bill. Her answer? Ellen Degeneres.

18.  You have to wear your hair up or in a bun when participating in the judges’ question portion of the competition.

19.  Brett Eldridge asked Miss Georgia the WORST question ever: Is Tom Brady guilty of deflating footballs? (Hence her very national, very public answer of: I would have to feel the balls to know for sure.”) Guess what’s trending on Twitter right now?

20.  Miss Georgia, the new Miss USA, must do CrossFit because she had to squat in front of the former Miss USA for a solid minute while she stuck 15 bobby pins in her new fancy crown. Feel the burn!

Did you watch the competition? What did you think? Did Georgia deserve to win after tripping and that horrific ball question? Was Chris Harrison as hot on your TV screen as he was on mine? Did Joe Jonas score a few digits backstage? Sound off in the comments.

guest
31 Comments
oldest
newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
LegallyBlondeMommy
LegallyBlondeMommy
September 14, 2015 2:48 am

I didn’t watch the pageant, but your post was so well written that I feel as though I had. You make everything more entertaining. I wish you could re-cap all the shows I watch – and maybe even politics as well! Keep up the great work, Lincee!

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:40 pm

Give me a list LegallyBlondeMommy and I’ll recap whatever you want!

amy a
amy a
September 14, 2015 4:44 am

I echo the comment above. Sadly, I did not know it was on. Our family endured a very mediocre animated flick last night. My childhood memories of watching are just as you describe your own. Only, we never watched the entire program because of Sunday night church.

When it comes to OHCH, or any man for that matter, a tuxedo is ALWAYS ten times hotter than shirtless!! (except, of course, for the volleyball scene on Top Gun)

Bri
Bri
September 15, 2015 11:54 am
Reply to  amy a

VOLLEYBALL SCENE! Slider was my fav.

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:40 pm
Reply to  amy a

Be still my heart…THE VOLLEYBALL SCENE!

Hb
Hb
September 14, 2015 7:16 am

Miss Colorado was robbed!!!!
I saw her talent on YouTube prior to Sunday which is why I tuned in- and your reminder tweet 🙁 sans the bathing suit competition, can’t even!
Thanks for the recap! Jan 4 is a long time away!!!!!

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:41 pm
Reply to  Hb

Join me on Sunday for the Emmys Hb!! It will be fun!

Cindy S.
Cindy S.
September 14, 2015 7:38 am

As soon as Miss Georgia answered that ridiculous question I knew she had lost the title. Just goes to show that the judges have their favorites and it doesn’t
matter WHAT the girls do, they can still win. We were pulling for Miss South Carolina but her talent wasn’t that great.

What kills me, is every year they say the girls aren’t judged on their evening gown but rather how they wear it. Then why not just let them wear yoga pants?

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:42 pm
Reply to  Cindy S.

It’s a weird little world that pageant people live in. We are just along for their ride!

Cindy S.
Cindy S.
September 14, 2015 7:42 am

And hey, if a girl could win last year playing with PARTY CUPS while sitting on the floor, a monologue certainly could have won!!!! Goes back to the judges have their favorite from the start.

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:43 pm
Reply to  Cindy S.

They do. It’s a lot like Bachelor if you think about it. It even has Chris Harrison!

Sarah Anderson
September 14, 2015 7:46 am

Watched it, loved it. It wasn’t the pageant of my childhood, but much closer to it than it had been for a long time. I was pulling for Miss Colorado. I was also hoping OHCH would come out with the final rose for Miss America, but alas….

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:43 pm
Reply to  Sarah Anderson

That would have been EPIC!

Kelli
Kelli
September 14, 2015 11:04 am

The Miss America pageant was the opening salvo for the fall tv season. It was always about the 3rd Saturday in September. It was like the change in seasons. Now it’s , oh that was on last night? I did watch some of the parade of states, with its odd unchoreographed dance moves and quirky facts about each state. I’m so old, I remember when all the contestants wore the same design of one piece swim suits.

I was also a Miss Colorado supporter, but questioned the monologue for talent. Even so, I thought it was a ballsy move.

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:44 pm
Reply to  Kelli

Definitely a ballsy move. It almost worked out for her too!

Barbara
Barbara
September 14, 2015 1:02 pm

I thought the same thing about Zandaya, number 7 on your list. She is really sweet and seems very nice, but in what way is she even remotely qualified to judge a pageant?

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:44 pm
Reply to  Barbara

Exactly!!

AMI
AMI
September 14, 2015 2:38 pm

Loved your recap! I recorded to watch while I was feeding my son in the middle of the night. I was watching the talents and for some reason my recording was cut off 🙁 so I missed all of the questions!

I thought Miss Colorado’s monologue was a great move! Being a girl who can’t sing, dance or play an instrument to save my life, that is the same route I would have went!

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:45 pm
Reply to  AMI

You forgot twirling a baton and ventriloquism!

Wow
Wow
September 14, 2015 3:35 pm

I didn’t get to watch, but I’m thinking Georgia was the “Jennifer Lawrence” candidate, so it doesn’t surprise me that she won! 🙂

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:45 pm
Reply to  Wow

That’s true…

Erin
September 14, 2015 4:39 pm

Lincee! My thoughts almost EXACTLY. Like scary close to my brain.

Miss Mississippi was robbed, yet again. She was the one non-bouncer (READ CONFIDENT) and the violin player, not the fiddle. She was amazing and poised and gave the best answer to her question.

But we were robbed last year. Hello Jasmine Murray, you are still our winner.

It was much better this year than last. My favorite part was watching the judges trying NOT to make faces when the cameras kept cutting to them. Then again, I’m not sure Vanessa Williams face does much moving anyway.

So much fun!

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:46 pm
Reply to  Erin

I thought it was the same b-roll of the judges faces! So stoic!

Mary Elizabeth
Mary Elizabeth
September 14, 2015 10:15 pm

I agree completely! While I do think that Miss Georgia’s talent was one of the better ones, the trip in her evening gown (not once, but twice!!) and the false delay, “I didn’t hear the question”, add up to NOT being Miss America worthy in my book! Also, having the contestants sitting on the stage, while others were performing, waiting to see if their name would be called was very distracting to me!

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:46 pm
Reply to  Mary Elizabeth

It was soooooo distracting. Especially when Harrison kept talking to them!

Julie
Julie
September 15, 2015 11:39 am

This is hilarious!!

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:47 pm
Reply to  Julie

Thank you!

Dee
Dee
September 15, 2015 12:21 pm

Being a Colorado girl, I was pulling for Miss Colorado, and I thought her monologue was great. I felt like everyone who sang — other than Miss Georgia — faked it. I think they didn’t have a real solid talent, but their singing didn’t totally suck — they could at least carry a tune — so they picked a song with a very small range, and powered through. Entertaining. Lastly, I think Vanessa Williams is still so beautiful. And, I appreciate the fact that I don’t think I have ever heard her speak ill of the pageant since she was… Read more »

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:47 pm
Reply to  Dee

I love Vanessa. She saved he best for last for sure.

Emily Condit
September 15, 2015 4:00 pm

Hey, Lincee. I missed some of those state quotes from the beginning. The one that got me was Miss Oklahoma because the only reason they’re having earthquakes now is because of fracking. I’m from California. WE have earthquakes. Real ones. I’ll be damned if Oklahoma’s gonna take that away from us even if my whole family is from Oklahoma! I really don’t care that much about Miss Georgia’s gown or her tripping. It was her answer to the interview question that I think should have disqualified her. If the competition was based solely on the interview question, I would have… Read more »

Lincee
September 16, 2015 2:48 pm
Reply to  Emily Condit

Thanks girl! Always great to see you here on the comments!

31
0
Would love your thoughts! Click here to share.x
()
x