My thoughts on Miss America

Miss America

I’ve been watching televised pageants for as long as I can remember. In fact, the Miss Texas pageant was a scheduled event in our household, much like the one-time-a-year ABC would air Sound of Music, Wizard of Oz or the Ten Commandments. We would settle in front of the television with our TV trays and cheer on our favorite contestants. My daddy can spot a Miss America winner during the parade of states.

Sadly, that wild parade is no longer a thing. Remember when the girls had to dress in hideous outfits that somehow represent their state? To quote my sister, “I kind of miss how a girl from Nebraska would prance around with a corn cob stuck to her head.”

Indeed.

But today’s Miss America pageant isn’t your mother’s Miss America pageant. This one has scholarships, Joe Jonas as the phantom deejay and MIDRIFFS! It also has Our Host Chris Harrison in a tuxedo. Whatever vision of hotness you’re imagining right now, multiply it by 10.

It was a wild night full of unfortunate talent, a former Miss America sporting a braid and a new winner who actually uttered the phrase, “I would have to feel the ball to know for sure.”

Here’s your breakdown:

The NEW Parade of States:
Instead of making someone like Miss Texas walk around in a sparkling cowboy outfit carrying a jar of barbecue sauce and an armadillo, the new format consists of contestants sharing a quirky little tidbit about their state. Here is an example of some of the more entertaining fun facts that contestants vying for a legitimate competition actually uttered on national television:

From the state that brought you the hottest dancer Channing Tatum [audible sigh] America, YOU’RE WELCOME…I’m Miss Alabama!

We have plenty of pinot, but it’s water we need. I’m miss California!

From the home of Napoleon Dynamite, don’t vote for Pedro, vote for me! I’m Miss Idaho!

From the home of a life-size cow, completely made out of butter, moooooove over ladies, I’m Miss Iowa!

Where are waters are always shark free, I’m Miss Michigan!

From the state that brought you Kool-Aid, Oh YEAH Im Miss Nebraska!

From the state that has frequent earthquakes, I’m ready to shake things up. I’m Miss Oklahoma!

Representing the Dairy State. Come smell our “dairy air.” I’m miss Wisconsin! (Please someone tell me this was a dare.)

Vanessa Williams

2. Vanessa Williams is back!
Or she’s dropping an album. I’m not sure. But she did get to sing a song in front of a very large picture of herself that was clearly from her Ugly Betty days.

3. Nick Jonas has an English accent now.

4. During the swimsuit competition, there was a lot of bouncing going on. In the boob region. I can report that only one girl walked naturally. The rest vacillated between drill team strut and horse clomp.

5.  Is smiling with your mouth open a thing?

6.  The losers had to stay on the stage and sit on little pedestals as their dreams of becoming Miss America horse clomped in front of them down the runway.

7.  Nineteen-year-old Zandaya is a judge. I’m sure the Disney Channel and Dancing with the Stars has prepared her for this moment.

Miss America
8.  My absolute favorite part of the show is how the other girls pretend to be super excited that the girl beside them (who was just called to the front) deserves the honor more than they do. Also, there’s a new trend. When your name is called, it is mandatory that you bend all the way down into a squatting position, should your evening dress allow.

9.  Brooke Burke takes her job of remembering that this is a LIVE show very seriously. She will CUT YOU OFF even if your name is Vanessa Williams.

10.  Georgia decided to wear a midriff dress for her evening gown competition. Then she tripped. She also WON.

11.  In evening dress trends, it would appear that all the cool kids are wearing skin tight dresses that slowly mermaid out at the knee. If you’re feeling really fancy, make sure you have a 10-foot train behind you too.

12. The talent competition consisted of two dances, five singers, a piano player, a fiddler and an original monologue. Sadly, there was no ventriloquist this year.

13. The exact same camera shots were used for the judges throughout the entire two hours. PS: Winnie Cooper was a judge too!

14.  Country music would play as the shot faded to a commercial. Ironically, the music was not of celebrity guest judge Brett Eldridge. That honor went to number one iTunes artist Luke Bryan.

15.  The original monologuer, Miss Colorado, is nine-feet-tall. She wore scrubs and spoke about being a nurse. It was interesting, but the judges didn’t consider it talent.

16.  Georgia blew the competition away with her opera singing.
Miss America
17.  Miss Colorado was also asked which woman she would put on the ten-dollar bill. Her answer? Ellen Degeneres.

18.  You have to wear your hair up or in a bun when participating in the judges’ question portion of the competition.

19.  Brett Eldridge asked Miss Georgia the WORST question ever: Is Tom Brady guilty of deflating footballs? (Hence her very national, very public answer of: I would have to feel the balls to know for sure.”) Guess what’s trending on Twitter right now?

20.  Miss Georgia, the new Miss USA, must do CrossFit because she had to squat in front of the former Miss USA for a solid minute while she stuck 15 bobby pins in her new fancy crown. Feel the burn!

Did you watch the competition? What did you think? Did Georgia deserve to win after tripping and that horrific ball question? Was Chris Harrison as hot on your TV screen as he was on mine? Did Joe Jonas score a few digits backstage? Sound off in the comments.

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