Too late. Ali already called dibs on this recap.

Before I begin the recap, I’d like to give a shout out to Jessica. This sweet girl tracked me down at a party on Saturday night, proceeded to gush about how awesome I am and then asked for a picture.

I have her fooled ladies and gentlemen! GO ME!

I’d also like to give a great big kudos to the guys in the comment section. I love every reader equally, but it’s always fun to hear what the dudes have to say.

And it’s also fun to know that guys actually read this stuff. GO DUDES!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ABC asked me to thank their opening montage sponsor, Victoria’s Secret, for providing kicky little jump suits for our remaining nine girls. They all gather around Our Host Chris Harrison wearing their bright spring colors…no two alike. Ali called dibs on the yellow one and then she convinced Jessie that teal green – the color of gangrene – was the hot color for 010. When Ella was told that black was not an option, she chose orange for her Tennessee roots. Tenley picked the pink one and was super excited that Corrie chose purple because that is her favorite person wearing her second favorite color! YEAH! Ashleigh was given the blue one, which she immediately had the ABC intern cut her bottoms into shorty shorts. Gia didn’t care which color she wore because she knows that her iridescent Jimmy Choos will go with anything. She was given red because she is a firecracker from New York. Poor Kathryn was left out because everyone forgot she existed. No one wore vanilla in honor of Elizabeth.

Our Host tells the remaining girls that the game is about to change. Nothing is going to be the same again. ABC is taking this reality show to new levels. We are going in a direction we’ve never gone before. Get ready for some serious news…

ROAD TRIP!

Good Lord. Perhaps I was in a very bad mood, but the screeching that went on and on and on during this part was painfully annoying to me. PAINFUL I SAY! I understand that you have been sharing living quarters with people you don’t really care for. I understand that you’ve been at this loaded mansion for 12 days. And yes…road trips are fun! But the screeching and the hugging and the “dibbing” has got to stop. And why did Ali fold herself to get in the luggage portion of the RV? One can only assume that she made a bet with Corrie that she could fit inside. Loser had to remind Jake that Vienna is a skank.

Our Host Chris Harrison reveals to the ladies that they are going to road trip up the coast of California and the pimped out RVs will be their new homes for the next couple of days. Ella is excited because she’s from Tennessee and apparently, people there all live in RVs. Gia on the other hand has never stepped Manolo Blahnik in one of these contraptions and is praying that it has a shower.

Our Host gives the girls one hour to pack and then separates the cool kids from the rejects into two different buses. Vienna, Gia, Ashleigh and Corrie are in the reject bus. Little does Vienna know that Ali sent Corrie on that bus to spy on The Enemy. Each bus begins with a champagne toast and WE ARE OFF!

Sadly, ABC was not able to obtain the rights to “Life is a Highway.” We were forced to watch Jake driving winding roads on his hog, while normal music played in the background, as he symbolically laments that he’s come so far already on his journey and how it seems like yesterday there were 25 girls. He stops at a vineyard and sets up his University of Texas tent in the middle of acres and acres of grapes. He can’t think of any other place to fall in love.

Meanwhile in the cool RV, Ali clears her throat so her minions will pay attention to her. She wonders aloud who will be the sad, sad girls on the dreaded two-on-one date? Immediately, the other girls guess that it will be Ali and Vienna. Ali says that she will take one for the team if she has a two-on-one with Vienna and the gauntlet will be dropped. Vienna is going down. The girls take the petals from their previous rose ceremonies and sprinkle them on the ground wherever Ali’s feet touch.

The RVs roll up in the vineyard and Jake is standing under a tree in his flannel shirt holding an axe.

Sort of reminded me of this moment at the 2:20 mark.

Or maybe I’m going through a Josh Duhamal phase. So sue me.

So there Jake is…looking all rugged and manly in his checkerboard flannel.

Jake: “Ladies! Welcome to the vineyard. Camping is a huge part of my life and I want to make sure you guys are okay with being outdoors.”

Gia: “What’s that smell?”

Ella: “It’s called fresh air.”

Jake to Vienna: “Do you like camping?”

Vienna: “We’ve talked about this before. See? Look here on page 47 of my diary. You asked me if I liked camping and I made a joke and said ‘Only if it’s at the Four Seasons’ and you looked at me funny because you don’t understand humor, sarcasm or wit so I changed my tune and answered yes. Is that our orange tent up there on the hill?”

Ali’s mouth drops open to rip Vienna a new one, but then she remembers that Jake is standing there. She opts for a shocked/hurt look instead. Tenley feels the comment was inappropriate and awkward. Vienna is clueless there has been a reaction.

Jake hem-haws around and lamely answers:

Jake: “Heh, heh. No. That tent is mine. And I’ve got to mosey back up there to get ready for my first one-on-one date. Here’s the card. I’m going to get on my bike and drive away. Please don’t read it until I leave because my heart can’t handle seeing disappointment in anyone’s eyes.”

It was at this moment that I thought Jake looked REALLY tired and sort of done with this process. I don’t think he is in to any of these girls and just wishes he could go home.

One-On-One Date
Gia
Under the Stars and Over the Moon

Gia is so excited that she gets a one-on-one date. She has no idea what to wear and has never gotten ready in such a short amount of time.

Jake, however, knows exactly what to do. Shave by the light of sunset using a pocket knife and tiny little mirror the makeup girl had in her pocket. He’s rugged. He’s manly.

The cool click thinks that Jake is a good ole’ southern boy who won’t have anything in common with a New Yorker. Gia is wearing stilettos for crying out loud. IN THE WOODS. She doesn’t know how to put a helmet on for goodness sakes. Clearly, this is a massive waste of time.

Ashleigh: “Do you think she’s coming back?”
Jessie: “If she doesn’t fall off the bike.”
Ali: “That’s good. Write that in the burn book.”

Now before this date, I was acutely aware that Gia was…what…19-years-old or something? A quick check on ABC.com tells me that she is 23-years-old. Guess what. SAME THING! With that said, I guess we were never given the opportunity before this date to witness Gia’s toddler tendencies.

What are toddler tendencies? I’m glad you asked.

Gia suggests they play hide-and-go-seek in the vineyard. And then she hides maybe four rows down from Jake. He simply crouches down and looks for her legs. Within minutes, he “finds” her and she is eck-static. Giggling like a little girl.

She jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist. Very Jillian/Jason of her. But then, she doesn’t let go. Jake literally carries her on his hip like a toddler. And she loves it and doesn’t appear to feel awkward at all. One can assume that he is schlepping her around because she ditched the Christian Louboutin’s for bare feet for the impromptu “find-me-five-feet-away” game.

Jake carries his load to the picnic area, drops her and then catches his breath. Gia thanks Jake that he broughten her here. She talks about being a nerd at her high school and how her book bags and shoes were always stolen.

Jake: “I thought you were the drop dead gorgeous girl on the cheerleader squad.”

Gia: “Oh no. Not me. I would have been eck-static to be that, but I wasn’t.”

Jake: “In 9th grade, I was called Mr. Dateless.”

Gia: “Why?”

Jake looking concerned: “Beeeeeeccccaaaauuuuussse…I didn’t date. My first kiss was 11th grade.”

Lincee: Nice segue Jake. Less talking would be great for all of us watching here at home. Good call Captain.

Gia: “My first kiss was spin the bottle. It was awful.”

Jake: “I bet we could polish off one of these 17 bottles of wine and spin it on that cutting board over there. What do you say?”

Gia is game. She goes over the rules of spin the bottle which are unflinchingly rigid.

Gia: “First time is the cheek. Then lips. Then all the way.”

Suddenly, weird sultry Mexican telenovela music begins to play. The bottle is spun. Cheeks are kissed. Lips are kissed. Then Jake gives Gia his best sultry look and goes in for the kiss. She rubs his neck and then he hides his face. Gia said it was the best kiss of her life.

After making out, Gia jumps on Jake’s back because heaven forbid if her feet touch filthy things like grass and leaves. He wants to make sure she is comfortable with messy sticky things like hot dogs and s’mores.

I’m telling you. I’d be perfect for this guy. Hot dogs are my life. And s’mores. Had he whipped out a packet of gummy bears and a Dr Pepper, I would have proposed right then and there.

At the camp site, Jake says he needs to start the fire. Bless Gia’s heart. She asks if he knows how. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she thought he would be rubbing two sticks together verses the lighter fluid and match option he chose to take.

She talks about the stars and how she never sees them in New York. She says it’s the most romantic thing she’s ever done. Jake explains that this is his life and wonders if she could be a part of it.

Gia: “Of course. I picture us getting engaged. I want to be engaged for a while. I have no problem with coming to Texas. Do they have designer shoes there? Would I have to ride a horse to the general store? I’ve never met a person from Mexico. Will I have to learn Spanish? Because that might take a while and I want three kids before I’m 30.”

Jake: “Gee Gia. If I do the math, that would mean that we would have to get married this year and start having babies next year.”

Gia: “Exactly. Thank goodness I’m only 23-years-old. You couldn’t do that with the other girls here. Especially Vienna. She’s a bimbo. By the way, I also want a baby girl from China. It’s important for kids to have that, you know? Someone to want them? Oh. And I want a pig. A pot belly one. But the China kid first. Wait! What is that? Is that a coyote? Are we going to be eaten by bears? Should we go in the tent and get a little more comfortable? Will you get on all fours like a horse and let me ride you to the tent? I need to practice. Seriously? Is that a wild animal?”

Sadly, it was just Tenley howling at the dynamic duo up on the hill. Jake laughs and tells Gia that she is refreshing. Then “Wings of Love—The Instrumental Arrangement” is played in the background.

Lord give me the strength to get through this show.

Group Date
Jessie
Ashleigh
Tenley
Ali
Corrie
Vienna

Jake takes the lead on his hog and is followed by the two RVs as they caravan down to Pismo Beach. He rides through the seagulls in his big Marvin the Martian helmet and thinks about how he wishes he was anywhere but here.

Vienna is excited to see Jake. Ashleigh is tired and wants to sit down. Tenley reads off the piece of paper Ali gave her and asks, “If Vienna gets a rose, what would you do?” Ali says she would throw up.

The girls on the date have obviously been told to wear bright colorful tops because the sand can look dreary on-screen. Jake tells them that they should be prepared to get dirty. He wants to see who isn’t afraid to just have fun.

Is it me? Or has he said this sentence 12 times already?

Ali takes charge and says that she will be driving a dune buggy. Jake says that he will be driving the blue one because blue is for boys. Ali then changes her tune and calls shot gun with Jake and then embraces him in a hug.

Ali: “You snooze. You lose. Simple shot gun rules.”

Corrie: “But you just said that you wanted to drive?”

Ali: “Corrie! What did you say?”

Corrie: “You look so pretty in that bright yellow tee!”

Vienna to the camera: “Whatever. Ali can have her 30 minutes of fun on a dune buggy, because I’m going to marry him.”

Corrie and Ashleigh drive off like maniacs. This turns our Bachelor on. Jessie’s driving is timid and this turns our Bachelor off. Jessie and Vienna get stuck in the sand and Jake comes to save the day by physically lifting the car up and over. This turns Vienna on. Jake tackles Tenley and rolls down the sandy embankment head over heels in what appeared to be a good idea and first that quickly went awry. Tenley laughs and spits sand out for the next 10 minutes.

Jake: “There isn’t anything I can find that is NOT positive about Tenley. It’s so refreshing.”

Jake takes them to a fruit and wine picnic in the sand. They toast. They eat. They feed each other. He asks if anyone would like to go roll in the sand. Ironically, Vienna did not jump at the chance to go “roll in the sand” with Jake. I think she was daydreaming about her dog. And poor Ali was waiting for someone in her army to suggest she go roll with Jake.

But Corrie took matters into her own hands and volunteered herself.

And then the weirdness comes. They literally roll down the sandy hill together. Call me crazy, but I thought that Jake was being funny. I’m sure Corrie did too, but she wasn’t about to pass up the chance to bounce down a hill hip to hip with her fake man. Who cares if a few grains found their way to crevices that were already chaffing? It was worth it! But let the record show that it did not look fun.

Also, Jake was panting. Again. I think he might have heart problems.

Jake tells the group that he loves dirty girls, but it’s time to go get dressed for dinner. They head to a place called The Inn that is sort of like the Magic Time Machine restaurant with themed rooms.

For some reason, the screeching happens again. Why? Why do we have to screech? It’s a theme room. This is such an un-screech moment I think.

Sometimes I hear the screeching in my sleep. Help me.

The girls go from room to room. Ali calls first shower. No one flinches. They don’t even complain when she used up all the hot water. They change into their tiny black cocktail dresses. Poor Jake just wore his favorite white tee from the Gap. From the looks of the bags under his eyes, he has either just had an allergy attack or is extremely tired. But he presses through, knowing that he wants alone time with each and every girl.

First up is Ashleigh’s butt. Clearly, Gary the Camera Guy had to find creative ways to shoot this moment because there were literally crickets chirping in this room. She plays with his zipper. He smiles. She places her hands on his knee. He switches positions. She flings her legs over his lap. The ABC editing department places a modesty blur patch over her nether regions, but that’s neither here nor there. She tells the camera that she will not come across desperate.

Jake: “Ashleigh is smoking hot. I just don’t feel there is any chemistry with her. I’m not progressing and I’m trying to.”

Jake heartlessly hugs Ashleigh and they head back to the dinner table.

Next in line is Vienna, but she opts out and asks to go last in the one-on-one time. Jake looks like he could care less and is so over the drama. Ali jumps at the chance to take down her prey in a weak moment.

Ali and Jake go to another themed room where Jake immediately gets as horizontal as he can while still remaining somewhat seated. He smiles and looks concerned in all the right places as Ali breaks down the details for him.

Ali: “Ok. The way I see it, you have given Gia a rose, someone will get a rose tonight and tomorrow. Then you will have three left. THREE LEFT JAKE. I can totally help you figure this out if you just ask me. But more importantly, what are you going to do?”

Jake: “I’m going to concentrate on this moment.”

Ali gets a clue and decides to shut up for once. They sit side-by-side in silence for about two minutes before Jake falls asleep and the ABC intern finds Ali taking advantage of him.

Refreshed from his nap, Jake takes Tenley to be alone. He wants to find out where her heart is and if she is over her ex-husband.

Tenley, the Mother of the group, has placed Jake’s head in her lap and is running her fingers through his hair as she talks about having never dated since her divorce. She wants to know how Jake feels and if this makes him nervous.

Jake: “My head is in your crotch and my nose is mere inches away from your boob. I’m feeling pretty good right now. Just wondering if you have your whole heart to give?”

Tenley: “Why does your heart tell you Jake?”

He leans up. They kiss. And then they turn into Disney animated characters.

Next up would have been Jessie, but bless her heart, ABC continued to edit her to death. Poor Jessie.

And I’m assuming there was enough alone time footage with Corrie at the sand dunes, so her time was cut as well.

That leaves Vienna. She chose to be last so she can be the last person he kisses. Unbeknownst to her, he wasn’t planning on kissing this little vixen tonight because he’s getting some pretty significant red flags waving in his face. By this point, Jake is using toothpicks to hold up his eyes.

Tread carefully Vienna. Don’t do anything stupid.

Vienna: “This waiting around is making me tired. I want to have you to myself already. I don’t know why these other girls are here. They always give me such a hard time.”

Jake: “And why do you think that is?”

Vienna: “Because I’m pretty. And they are jealous.”

Apparently, lack of total sleep brings the bitter honesty out in Jake.

Jake: “Do you think you could be bringing it on yourself? I mean, sometimes it’s best not to say anything. Keeping your mouth shut can be a blessing at times. Like right now. Do we have to talk? Let’s just sit quietly for a moment.”

Vienna: “Oh Jake. You are totally looking out for me. I think you are the bomb dot com for doing that. I will be careful what I say. I understand what you mean. It’s not right for me to flaunt our love in front of them. Let’s talk about something else instead of those mean old girls. Let’s talk about me!”

Jake admits that he is pumping the brakes with Vienna and that he is concerned.

Vienna and Jake return to the booth that the ABC intern has squished all nine women in. Jake says that he really wants to give the rose to someone who opened up and showed initiative. A quick camera cut to Corrie and Jake gives the rose to Tenley.

Corrie is upset that she didn’t get a rose. Does this mean that he likes Tenley more? (DING! DING! DING! Tell her what she wins Johnny!)

Ashleigh thinks Tenley talks too much and exudes way too much energy. She reaches for another Vodka shot, slams it and goes to bed.

Two-On-One Date
Ella
Kathryn
Big Things Happening in Big Sur

Ali continues to stir up drama and insists that everyone on the cool bus discuss how the two-on-one date is totally awkward and scary. She reminds Ella that you can’t connect when someone else is your third wheel. She encourages her to do whatever she has to to pull focus and seal the deal.

Kathryn: “Ali. I’m on this bus. I can hear you.”

Ali: “Whatever. No one knows your name. You are cellophane. He sees RIGHT THROUGH YOU. Like you’re going to win anyway.”

Jake meets the RVs in his best lumberjack getup. Tenley awkwardly tells them that she wants to say goodbye, but there’s a 50/50 chance they will be coming back so she won’t.

Ella rolls her eyes. Kathryn is still licking her wounds from the Ali scandal.

Jake takes his battery-0perated lantern and leads the two girls to a quiet dinner in his cabin. He encourages them to lay their hearts out in the open.

Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that both of these women are going home. Here are the facts: Jake looks like he’s about to hurl and there is zero chemistry between them. Z-E-R-O.

Not to mention, ABC did a fine job of scooping themselves by showing Jake throw a single rose in the camp fire as he was wearing the exact same lumberjack outfit during the “coming up” spots.

Ella dominates the conversation and tells Jake that she is passionate about her son. She wants someone who will influence him positively.

Kathryn thinks…

And Ella also wants someone who knows what it means to have family values.

But Kathryn interjects…

And Ella wants to laugh with her best friend for all the live long day.

Kathryn begins to get drunk.

Jake takes Ella away for some alone time. Jake tells Ella that he thinks Ethan is neat.

Ella: “I want you to see more than just the fact that I’m a mom. With me you get the whole package. I have so much to give. Ethan’s teddy bear. His favorite blanket. His favorite Transformer Optimus Prime. And I think you are the same way. It either goes or it doesn’t.”

Jake: “I feel like that with you, if I’m not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you from Ethan.”

Aaaaannnnnddddd Ella is done.

To be fair, Jake decides to have some alone time with Kathryn.

Jake: “I keep getting lost in your eyes. And I feel my spirits rise. And soar like the wind. Is it love that I am in? I need to figure that out.”

Kathryn: “Dude. You have been talking to Ella all night long. What is wrong with you? Rudeness! And what about all these other girls? HELLO! I’m here too! I’m tired of being looked through. We did a lot really fast and then really slow too. I’m not sure what that means, but you need to break this wall down buddy because I am angry.”

Jake takes a moment to stare at Ella and Kathryn from a distance, stalker style. He then asks Ella if he can see her outside. He swallows hard, tells her she is amazing and thanks her for being the complete package. Then he bids her adieu.

Ella smiles and encourages him to choose wisely among the remaining girls. She enters the limo and it cautiously moves away so Kathryn can’t hear the tires crunching in the leaves or see the headlights as Ella hits the road.

Jake goes back in and puts his hands in his head. Clearly, he’s gearing up for the second boot. He tells Kathryn that she is going to meet a great guy one day, but he is not that guy. He apologizes that she saw the limo drive away. The ABC intern radios for Caesar to come back and Jake puts Kathryn in the back seat with Ella. Was not awkward at all. Especially the part where Kathryn asks if Jake is sure about his decision after they had 30 whole minutes together in the last two weeks.

Kathryn says that he made a mistake and that she didn’t see that coming.
Ella said that it doesn’t make any since.
Tenley cries because she didn’t get to say goodbye.

Gary the Camera Guy watches Jake cry through the bushes. Sort of creepy, but whatever. Jake symbolically throws the rose in the fire to show that he has a burning desire to find his best friend/wife and no one can get in the way.
He looks, he ponders, he tosses. C’est la vie people.

Rose Ceremony
Everyone gets off the bus with hair and makeup done. They carry their shoes and fancy cocktail dresses in to the mansion and talk about how Vienna is going home.

Jake says that the moment he realizes that he can’t spend the next 60 years with this woman, she needs to go home. The camera cuts to Ashleigh.

Ali: “I think what you did last night was unbelievably honorable.”

Jake gives her puppy dog eyes.

Ali: “I am really falling for you.”

Jake: “You are?”

Ali: “Yeah. You told those girls where to stick it and that is hot. You are not playing games. You are here to win. I’m here to win. I never thought I could feel excited and petrified at the same time. So let’s kiss. BTW…Vienna is a beyotch.”

After they make out, Jessie decides that she is going to out Vienna because she hasn’t thrown her under the bus yet.

Low and behold, ABC decides to air this entire interchange. Not because Jessie is telling Jake new information that we haven’t heard, but the good folks over there decided that we all needed a flashback to the early 90s.

What she was wearing had to be a dare. I’m pretty sure it’s a first cousin of what I wore to the eight grade dance…green eye shadow and all. If Jessie had worn a black scrunchie in her hair, fingerless lace gloves and ankle boots, we would have been twins.

Jessie: “Jake. Hey. I’m Jessie. I want you to know that there is one person that I don’t feel that is for you. And her name is Vienna.”

Jake: “What do you see that I’m not aware of?”

Jessie: “Well, she’s self-centered and spoiled. She has to top everything. She’s crashed a million cars that her Daddy writes a check for. She has strong opinions. She carries a dog around like it’s a baby. Her extensions are beginning to smell a little bit. Should I go on?”

Jake: “No. That’s enough. I’m glad you are here and trying to be my friend.”

Jessie: “We are young Jake. Heart ache to heart ache…we stand. No promises. No demands. Love is a battle field.”

Our Host Chris Harrison leads Jake into the room to hand out his roses.

OHCH: “Whenever you are ready Jake.”
Jake: “I’M NOT READY CHRIS!”

Our Host raises and eyebrow and Jake apologizes.

Jake tells the girls that he liked seeing them dirty. He said that it’s hard because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He thanks them for putting their lives on hold and then he hands roses to Ali and Corrie.

Then Jake begins to hyperventilate. He asks for a minute and leaves with two roses and three girls standing.

All of the sudden, Gary the Camera Guy gets all “Blair Witch Project” on us and begins to run to catch up with Jake. It’s very shaky and confusing.

Or should I say…much like the “Blair Witch Project”…that is what we are supposed to believe.

Jake finds a girl wearing a darling hat (I’m in to hats) and demands that he see the great and powerful Oz. She radios for someone to find Chris Harrison stat. Our Host is cutting up with the intern when Jake runs up behind him.

Jake: “Chris. I need some advice.”
OHCH: “I’d re-think that tie man. Too busy for national television.”

Jake: “There are a couple of women…what would you do…and you KNOW that it should only be one girl…but there are two in my opinion…and I feel that my heart is on my sleeve…but wings of love says that I should lift them up in the sky…and I’m getting very itching because of the sand…so I don’t know…”

OHCH: “Dude. Calm down. You aren’t making sense. What are you asking? Are you hurt or are you injured?”

Jake: “Iwannaknowifihavetogiveouttworosesattonightsceremony?”

OHCH: “I respect that you are here to find a wife. The fact that you already sent two home this week speaks volumes. Just so we are clear, there are two girls in there who are not your wife and you only want to hand out one more rose?”

Jake: “Yes.”

OHCH: “We’re going to need you to sign that in blood on this document. There are colored tabs to help you. Here…let me prick your finger. Then I’ll prick mine and we’ll be blood brothers!”

Jake: “I’m not sure I like the idea of exchanging…”

OHCH: “I’m kidding. Lighten up Jake. Ladies! Pardon the interruption. These rose ceremonies are tough I know. Jake is here for one reason. And that’s to find a best friend who he later makes his wife. Every rose he hands out, he hands to a woman who might be said wife. Because of this, he’s asked me to take away one of his roses tonight. Which means, TWO of you will be going home. Are you certain Jake?”

Jake: “Yes sir.”

Our Host holds the rose over a candle flame so they can watch it BURN.

OHCH: “Ladies…THIS is the final rose.”

Jake musters up some tears and gives it to Vienna. Ashleigh and Jessie are just dumbfounded. Jake is crying. Tenley is crying. Ali is seething. No one is hugging Vienna.

Jessie is the first to leave.

Jake: “You are absolutely amazing. You have a beautiful heart. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your advice. I heard every word you said. And then I waved as it passed me by.”

Ali wonders how he can look at Vienna and think she might be is future BLEEPING wife?

Ashleigh is shocked at the announcement of her departure.

Ashleigh: “Are you BLEEPING kidding me? Vienna over me? As his wife? That’s awesome. If he can’t see that, I BLEEPING pity him. There’s a reason why no one is friends with that little BLEEP. I was the most compatible and the most mature with a plaid blanket as a coat. Please. BLEEP. Spare me.”

Next week, we learn that it’s not about sex appeal. It’s about heart appeal.

Someone better bring the paddles because I might need a jump start next week!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Comments

181 Comments on "Too late. Ali already called dibs on this recap."

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Kendall
Kendall

“Teal… the color of gangrene”

One of my FAVORITE lines from Wedding Planner. SOOOO loving the Lincee even more! *LOL*

SusieQ
SusieQ

I haven’t finished reading the recap yet. However, lol, I had to comment that, at this VERY moment, I am watching Josh Duhamel be interviewed on Regis & Kelly. Ironic, and a Tad (Hamilton) bit of a chuckle…..

Back to Lincee….

Kendall
Kendall

Oh, and the fact that you know all about the Magic Time Machine tickles me pi.. err.. teal. I had my first prom dinner there in the 90s…

Seriously needing a jump start on next week, too. This show has gone from 12 weeks long to 6 weeks REALLY fast. No friggin wonder the ‘process’ ain’t working.

Kendall
Kendall

80s.. UGH. I meant 80s.

Dave
Dave

Vienna is skankutron 2010. And she’s going to win. Because Jake is drawn to such things. Ali, Tenley… call me.

Krista
Krista

OMG! Magic Time Machine. That’s bleeping awesome.

Mallory
Mallory

Hilarious, per usual. But while you think poor Vienna is getting too hard of a time, I think you are being WAY too hard on Ali. Like Ashleigh said – There’s a REASON that she doesn’t have any friends in the house.

Is Ali too concerned with Vienna? HECK YES. But I don’t get why you think she thinks she’s the queen. If anybody does think that, it’s Vienna. When you’re on a dating show with 8 other women standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU, you don’t say, “Oh, is that our tent up there?” to the guy. She’s a bitch, and ABC is painting her the victim and you’re falling for it.

AZGirl
AZGirl

Shouldn’t have read this at work… I had to suppress my LOLs!

OK sounds off
OK sounds off

Linsee – just fyi, you can have Josh Duhamel moments ANYTIME!

Quick question/observation: Yes, Gia is annoying (the NY accent, the giggles, hide & seek – Puhlease, how old are you, 6?)…but could she have overcome a speech impediment as a child and this is why she was teased so much? just wondering….

And, am I remembering wrong or is it when it’s down to 4 girls that they start hometown dates? Guess since Jake booted 4 girls they now have to ‘kill some time in San Francisco’ in order to meet episode obligations?

I’m with those who’ve come before me – and with Lincee – I don’t see this guy with any of these girls, but then again, I think Jake was a poor Bachelor choice in the first place… this just proves that there was a limited supply of ‘quality’ (or lack thereof) women (sorry girls under the age of 25) who would put their lives on hold for this guy…. I’m just saying…. he’s just not worth the trouble for most women who have a life, career and brain.

Rachel
Rachel

My favorite recap to date… thanks for quoting Debbie Gibson – those were good times.

Luvthebach
Luvthebach

I was crying from the ROSE CEREMONY section until the end! So funny, Lincee. I wished I lived near you so we could be friends!

Travelbug
Travelbug

I think from now on when someone asks me why I’m doing something, I will reply, “because it’s the wings of love way”!

BLS
BLS

Best part of the entire show…. the raccoons! They were hilarious! Kudos camera guy! And Gia — really? running, squealing and hiding from raccoons? really? that’s exactly why people from the south/midwest/southwest (and every in between) have little respect for people from NYC! …get a rope…

jen
jen

i don’t know if i can watch anymore. i know i CAN read your recaps though. ugh. this is brutal. but you, are a genius!! loved it. love is a battlefield, my friend!! 🙂

Jenna
Jenna

Sheer genius Lincee! You are my favorite part of the week!

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