Walk like an Egyptian

And they really did walk like Egyptians.  So very, very awkward.  And a little sad too.

That’s right people.  Chelsie knew that Jake didn’t have the chutzpah to pull off a rugged and manly Indiana Jones character in last night’s “story” dance.  His “oh” and “ah” faces forced her to take the lead and get all Cleopatra on his asp.

It’s actually pretty comical to watch the pair rehearse.  You can see that Chelsie is trying to be her normal, cute self, but there is something about Jake that grates on her ever living nerves.  And with that, his typical Bachelor charms do not work on her.  He flashes a grin.  She rolls her eyes.  He cracks a dorky joke.  She raises an eyebrow in protest.

But Jake claims he has been bitten by the dancing bug.  As Chelsie pushes him to learn the steps, he becomes frustrated.  And poor Jakey can’t learn when he’s frustrated.

Chelsie:  “You’re not getting the steps.”

Jake:  “It’s too hard.”

Chelsie:  “I’m going to push you.  It’s not too hard.  But I need to see progress.”

Jake:  “I can’t learn while I’m stressed.”

Jake grabs his commemorative Bachelor water bottle and storms out the door yelling for the ABC intern.  We hear crickets chirping.  Jake becomes confused and starts roaming around the dance studio yelling, “HARRISON!  CHRIS HARRISON!  I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!”

The camera man explains to him that Chris Harrison is not in the building.  Jake quickly takes out his phone, hits speed dial one and waits for Harrison to answer.

OHCH:  “Yo Jake.  What up my man?”

Jake:  “Hey Chris.  I have a problem.”

OHCH:  “Sorry dude.  Your contract specifically states that you have to keep dating Vienna until the end of the summer.  I know she’s a bit on the annoying side, but you have so much to distract you right now with your new Dancing with the Stars gig.  Try hitting on that ESPN chick.  She’s hot.  Or you could…”

Jake:  “No Chris.  I’m calling about Chelsie.  She’s being weird.  She never smiles.  She hasn’t taken me to a hot tub yet.  And she didn’t even laugh at my Cleopatra joke.”

OHCH:  “Dont’ tell me…formaldehyde?”

Jake:  “It was funny Chris.  You weren’t there.”

OHCH:  “Calm down.  What do you want me to do about it?”

Jake:  “I’d like to send her home and give my rose to Anna.  She seems really nice.  And I know Lacey isn’t technically a pro this year, but I saw her doing a pro dance and she makes kissy faces to the camera.  You know how I like kissing.”

OHCH:  “I’ll see what I can do buddy.  Why don’t you go back to Chelsie and ask her to give you your stones back?”

Jake:  “Okay.  Thanks.  Will you be in the audience?”

OHCH:  “Maks and Tony have invited me to the bar after.  Of course I’ll be there.”

Jake turns around to find Chelsie staring at him with disgust.  He hangs his head and slowly marches up the stairs.

Jake:  “Sometimes when you talk to me, I feel disrespected.”

Chelsie:  “I’m calling Ty Murray to whip you into shape.  This is ridiculous.”

Fortunately, Chelsie arranged for the traveling King Tut exhibit to prop her entire dance.  And there was enough smoke to cover some pretty pathetic foot work.  In the end, she shut Jake up in a tomb and fought the urge to run off stage and into the sunset.  You go Chelsie.

Of course, the judges loved the production but hated the dance.

When in the Celebrity Dome, Brook asked Jake how important it is to trust your pro?  Jake answered (for the second week in a row) that communication is imperative.  And Chelsie stared at the camera blankly.

For the record:

– Evan and Anna are my favorite couple.  “Speak with a thick Russian accent.”

– Ocho is a doll.  Can’t dance for anything, but the flirting with Cheryl makes for fun rehearsal footage.

– Maks blind folded Erin.  Later, she handcuffed him.  HEY OH!

– Isn’t it funny how the producers tried to get us to believe that the Pussy Cat Doll didn’t know how to dance or count music?  Hilarious!

It’s your turn!  Who are you rooting for?  Did you get the vibe that Chelsie is totally done with Jake?  Were you as excited to see Dmitry as I was?  Does Kate make you want to drive nail through your eye balls?  Or do you fast forward through her like I do and then get a little sad that you missed Tony?


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