Recap: What’s that? I can’t hear you. My ears are still bleeding.
This morning, my colleague Nicole walked in to my office and shared with me that she had accidentally slept through the Bachelor last night.
Nicole: “Did I miss anything good?”
I shivered…literally shivered…at the mere recollection of last night. I’m sure a “bless her heart” is in order for two special girls, but I’ve reached beyond that reaction. I’m at the stage of hushed awe and utter disbelief. My eyes closed, head begins to shake back and forth as I allow the musical styling of Clarinet Michele and Sooner Carri to occupy precious brain cells again.
It’s been about two minutes. Noticing the pained expression on my face, Nicole quickly concludes that the show was, oh yes, VERY GOOD last night.
I give her a quick verbal recap. (They are so much better than the written version because I can use sound effects, hand gestures and props.) Then comes a brief case of temporary insanity where I suggest a quick trip to YouTube so that Nicole can truly appreciate what she missed.
You may be asking yourself, “Why Lincee? Why subject yourself to both ‘songs’ again? Was last night not enough? Didn’t you hide your face in a pillow? Press the fast forward button to put yourself out of your misery? Didn’t you pace back in forth in front of the TV wondering what was going on and why it was lasting so long?”
After picking Nicole up off the floor in a fit of giggles, and steering her back to her desk, you can imagine how annoying we’ve both become this morning singing, “SUMMERTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME” to the top of our lungs.
I do it with the accent of the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Group Date One
Come “Runway” With Me
As the girls gather around and peer inside the leopard print caboodle, they are thrilled to learn they will be attending a fashion show! Girly screams all around!
But wait. Our British Bachelor has a twist. They are not watching a fashion show, they are going to be IN a fashion show. And guess what? Hair and makeup for everyone! Girly screams all around! Again! You know I love those high pitched screams in unison!
Matty tells the camera that it’s not about who is the hottest. It’s about who gets on that catwalk and goes for it!
Noelle’s sweet old soul is first. She admits to being nervous. Matty gives her a token “Yeah Baby” ala Austin Powers to try and get her out of her shell. Doesn’t work.
Kristine admits that she would rather jump out of a plane before walking down the runway. Funny…her hairdo looked like she just jumped out of a plane.
Marshana is a pageant girl. Miss World Earth, remember? She struts her stuff hitting every pose perfectly.
Holly breaks out a little Michael Jackson and moon walks back down the runway. Matty thinks this is hilarious.
Ashlee has turned from country twang to rocker chick and sticks her tongue out a lot.
And finally, Amanda takes a few big gulps of air (wouldn’t want to meep down the catwalk) and attacks the runway with confidence, stopping only to REMOVE HER SHIRT to reveal a lovely Goldfinger bikini.
This is when I notice Matty’s plum sweater. Just an aside. It’s in my notes.
Our Bachelor takes the ladies (or eight hot chicks as he called them) to a penthouse suite complete with a view of Hollywood.
Marshana is quick to whisk Matty away. She has an important conversation she needs to have with him.
Marsh: “There’s something on my mind…a touchy subject. How do you feel about interracial dating?”
Matty: “It doesn’t even come into my head. It’s different in the UK. I picked you because you are beautiful and have an aura about you. The color of your skin is irrelevant.”
It’s at this moment you are probably wondering if the fact that she makes her own clothes is a plus or minus in Matty’s book when you sense something not good is about to happen. There she is. Michelle.
At least she left the clarinet at home. Can I get an amen?
She leads him to an ice cream table not far from the sectional sofa that all the other girls are lounging on. I can sense that I should hold the remote should I need to pause or fast forward. I prepare myself for the worst.
I was right. Michelle wrote Matty a song. OH YES SHE DID:
[Note: Read the beginning of each line as if Brittney Spears…you know…that moaning sound she makes.]
I want to find you
I want you to find me
I want to touch you
I want you to touch me
And I want to feel you
I want you to feel me
I want to find you
In front of me
Please let the record show that I paused the DVR after the first line. I got up and paced, muttering, “Surely not” to myself. Sat back down and I pushed play. We are at the third line now. I’ve paused again. I pick up the phone to call my sister, mumbling a mixture of bursting quick laughs and “uh-uh’s” over and over again. No answer. I rewind a little and play some more, while pacing. I realize my mouth has been open this whole time and shut it. I fast forward. I feel guilty because I write a recap, rewind and play again so that I can type the lyrics. I start to feel embarrassed. Poor Michelle. Break out your clarinet girl. Wet reed and all. And then ABC pans over to the sectional sofa. Eyebrows are raised, hands over mouths stifling giggles. And Matty. Props to you dude for not spewing your gin and tonic out at the first line. Academy Award over here please. That boy’s got talent.
It’s later that we realize Matty must practice self-hypnosis (see reaction above) and follows Picker Ashlee into the bedroom aimlessly.
Matty tells Picker that she was one of the top two on the catwalk. Picker tells Matty that she thinks he is super cute and awesome and that she’s been starring at his lips all day. Matty tells Picker that she has pretty lips and they kiss.
Still in his self-induced hypnosis, Matty wanders into the section sofa room, grabs the date rose and returns to the bedroom to find Ash practicing her facial expressions in a mirror. She asks why he’s giving her the rose and he answers that there is a connection between them. They kiss again.
The pair returns to the sectional sofa room. Matty is slowing coming out of his coma and feels the need to explain how hard it is to choose the rose girl.
Annoyingly, Ash hardly lets him get his speech out:
Matty: “I’ve had a great time with you all tonight, but…”
Picker: “But I’m the one that got the rose!”
Matty: “It really sucks that I can’t give you all one.”
Picker: “No it doesn’t!” (waving rose over her head)
Matty: “I don’t know what I was thinking because she bugs.”
Picker: “You think I’m a hot rocker chick!”
Group Date Two
What Happens in Vegas…
Hot Dog Erin
Look! It’s a box full of money and poker chips. We’re going to Vegas! Girly screams all around! LOVE IT I TELL YOU. DOES NOT GET ON MY NERVES AT ALL.
We learn that Robin and Matty have never been to Vegas. We learn that Shayne has been there a billion times and is so over gambling.
Matty gives each girl $1000 worth of chips and says whomever wins the most money will get a 30 minute date with him at the end of the night.
Robin, our conniving bachelorette, knows that she stinks at gambling, considering the fact that she’s never gambled before. In a shrewd move, she decides to break the rules and take the Bachelor away while the other girls are frantically betting on blackjack to win his affections. Nice one Robin. This chick is using her head.
In an act of sheer desperation, or complete need to have the camera back on her where it belongs, Shayne bets all her chips on red. The marble lands on black. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Shayne is very upset, works up a single tear, and confesses that she really wanted to win the date with Matty as it falls slowly down her cheek.
The grand winner is Kelly. Don’t remember her either? She’s blond and tends to talk with a fake southern drawl. Let’s sneak in on a bit of their conversation at dinner, shall we?
Kelly: “I’m athletic you know.”
Matty: “So am I.”
Kelly: “I can throw a good spiral.”
Matty: “The javelin?”
Kelly: “Uhm…a football.”
Matty: “Ah yes. American football. Why do you call it football?”
Kelly: “How should I know?”
Matty: “I think it’s time we leave.”
Kelly: “Have to go see the other b!tches don’t we?”
And this seals the deal. Matty laughs hysterically as they return to the slots.
It is at this point that our future-actor-of-America decides to wig out on the Bachelor. I almost want to skip this part because I am contributing to her drama and I simply don’t want to go there.
Here’s the short of it:
Shayne pulls Matty away, livid, that he is making her wait in the wings. Does he know who she is? Does he know who her FATHER is? He was in the made for TV movie Body Rock in 1984. Whatever. It’s not the point. The point is that she has to look at her boyfriend looking at other women all night long. This is beyond her and he needs to gain a little perspective on what he has standing right in front of him.
Matty tells the camera that the drama is a little too much for him. Hallelujah!
Cut to the group in the Napoleon wing of the Paris hotel. Everyone is hand holding. Shayne is pouting. Champagne is flowing. Kelly is talking to the rose.
Chelsea is babbling about how she is a happy fun-spirited person, but gets lonely. Shayne’s still pouting.
And then there’s Robin who we find sitting on the Bachelor’s lap at the piano playing classical music. Interesting. She tells the camera that she puts Matty at ease in a way the other girls don’t. Really…
Matty sits down for some one-on-one time with Hot Dog Erin. She asks him what he is looking for in a partner. Matty wants someone smart, funny, committed and who isn’t in it for the short term. Hot dog Erin is in love.
The Bachelor admits to the camera that he is a bit gutted because he has to leave Chelsea behind after tonight. He extends the date rose to her. Her silver lamé blouse rocking in time with her bouncing boobs and tight pony tail.
This, of course, throws Shayne into a tizzy and it’s time for her to lock herself in the bathroom. Luckily, and I mean luckily, the ABC camera guy was able to “weasel” his way into the stall and listen to Shayne talk about how she doesn’t need to fight for a man. The slow music is cued, Shayne puts on her big black sunglasses and slowly realizes that it might be time to go home.
She’s ripe for Lifetime Originals people. Just wait.
Gearing up for the rose ceremony, you can imagine my surprise and sheer love for our host Chris Harrison as he announces,
“Coming up…ANOTHER ONE SINGS!”
I think I gacked at the TV. That’s the best word to describe the sound that uttered from the back of my throat.
Grant, Matt Grant pulls up in his 007 car in front of the house. First up…
Robin under the furry blanket.
Robin: “Let’s pretend there’s no one else here and we met accidentally.”
Matty: (apparently digging this game) “We got on the same train and I see you across the carriage. Would you give a little look? Or make me do all the work?”
Robin: “I’d meet you halfway. Want to meet me halfway?”
They meet halfway and kiss. Well played my friend. She’s good. She’s got it down. Matty is smitten. During their rather extensive make out session, he whispers, “I think this is my stop.”
Robin: “It would have been great to be first one for him to kiss, but at least mine was the longest.”
Next up…Marshana. She is upset. She wants to make out. Instead, she settles for swaying like 13-year-olds at the eight grade dance.
And then there was Carri. Oh Carri.
After finally getting some one-on-one time, Carri for some reason comments on her own dress. She then says, out of the blue…with a sense of urgency, “I sing opera.”
Kudos to Matty for holding back and not busting out with, “IF I WERE THE KING OF THE FORRRREEEESSSSTTTTT!”
Here we are again. Back to Shayne. Short version: Daddy Lorenzo texted her and said that she needs to stay as long as possible on this show because he is THIS CLOSE to landing a spot on next season’s Dancing with the Stars. Taking one for the Lamas team, Shayne apologizes to Matty for her tantrum and assured him that she was in it for the right reasons.
Cut to all the girls dancing for the Bachelor:
Marshana getting busy and giving Matty a lap dance.
Amy doing the white man dance pretending to shop at the grocery story.
Amanda cranking the soulja boy dance with Matty.
Then Chris ruins it with a ching ching of the champagne glass.
No surprise. Roses go to:
Holly (there’s more to her than ABC is showing us)
Hot Dog Erin
Erin leaves with a little dignity. Ironically, she was the one to complain all night that she didn’t get her chance to sing for Matty. Alas, the two singers were sent packing.
Carri back to Boomer Sooner. Bless her heart.
And Michelle back to her cat. The one whose purr she longs to hear. Oh to have that ginger tabby back in her lap where she belongs. The true…love of her life.
All about the shame, not the fame,