Where are they now? You know…since four months ago.
So there I was on my couch, killing time until I was scheduled to leave for the George Michael concert, when I noticed my DVR record light popped on.
What’s that? Am I to understand you just felt a pang of jealousy rush through your body because I was fortunate enough to be invited to the George Michael concert last night?
Oh yes. I went. AND IT WAS FABULOUS! I will be posting about sweet George later.
Be patient and have faith, uh faith, uh faith.
Back to me on the couch looking cute in my jeans and heels wondering what in the world could POSSIBLY be recording on a Monday night in July. I go to the menu and see that BACHELOR is highlighted in red.
I quickly flip to ABC and Our Host Chris Harrison is in the circular candle room explaining to the viewing audience that he is about to take us down Memory Lane because America wants to know what those crazy Bachelors and Bachelorettes from past seasons are up to.
Interesting again. Didn’t we just do this in March? I decide to stick with it.
The opening segment is the one I like to call:
LOOK PEOPLE! THIS SHOW REALLY DOES WORK! BELIEVE US!
The first 10 minutes were dedicated to D and Jesse and how they are America’s couple. I’m not sure if I would go that far, but okay. We are privileged to experience their “This Is Real Love” video package that ABC relentlessly made us watch in the last two episodes of the regular season, twice during the finale, Men Tell All and After the Final Rose. The next 10 minutes were dedicated to Monkey and Matty and how they are England’s couple. Following the same cookie cutter format of D and Jesse, we are forced to sit through the “Things Are Obviously Not Good, But We Have Three More Months On Our Contract Before We Can Officially Break Off Our Engagement” video package.
Next up…a few of the Bachelors of seasons past.
Aaron is the president of a bank and a restaurant owner of not one, but TWO establishments. Isn’t he successful? He wraps up his interview package by saying he probably should have picked Gwen or Brook instead of that chick who liked her dog better than him. He just oozes class. And if you are interested, he’s number G7S98 at the Springfield, Missouri sperm bank.
I have to say little Andy Firestone has a special place in my heart. And it’s not because he has rich relatives. He was my first season of Bachelor blogging and I still remember Amber Waves of Grain talking about the Olive Garden as if it were yesterday. He reminisces about falling in love with Jen and how she moved to San Francisco to work on his famous relatives’ vineyard. But the euphoria wore off and reality set in. It’s been five years since the show and little Andy Firestone is happy and planning a wedding with the love of his life. She is super pumped that he was able to sow his wild oats on the Bachelor in order to spend quality time transforming his famous rich relative’s turn-of-the-century barn on the famous Firestone vineyard into a reception hall for their nuptials. Our Host Chris Harrison applauds Andy Firestone and congratulates him on his marriage, which occurred just this past weekend…as if ABC had anything to do with it!
Trish…Jesse Palmer season
Trish still does what she pleases. She’s not ashamed that she crashed Jesse’s date with Peaches-N-Cream Barbie and is proud that she had the last word. She doesn’t think twice about the Bachelor, still owns her gold digger t-shirt and is now engaged to a delicious man who is quickly filling her passport with stamps.
Nice boobs. Seriously?
Brook from Season Aaron
Brook is married and is a reporter on a local TV station in Birmingham and runs marathons. Her husband is mute.
Heather from Texas
She’s married to a high school classmate and has a reporting job for the CCCA. That’s something to do with fishing.
Emotions out of hand Christi (Aaron’s year)
It’s been five years since the Bachelor and Christi has found a job she loves, a successful career, a house that she owns, a yellow Volvo and dog that is the love of her life that happens to be the only man she needs. Oh Christi. Together everyone, “Bless your heart.”
Kristin (Renzy’s year)
Kristin finally found a guy who appreciates the skillful art of making false teeth out of orange peels.
THE GOLDEN COUPLE
What’s a Bachelor show that doesn’t feature Trista and Ryan as the proof in the pudding that you CAN find true love in six weeks on a reality show? In order not to screw this last union up, the ABC Psychotherapist is adamant that DD and Jesse visit Trista and Ryan in order to be coached on how to successfully maneuver this thing we call “love.”
But before we hear the couple’s counseling session, we are privileged to experience the “All It Takes Is Romance and Happiness to Make It” Trista and Ryan video package.
And maybe a televised wedding during sweeps. You KNOW the intern is itching for an excuse to pull out his pink and baby blue sand again. And the flags. Wow. I forgot the audience waved flags after Trista and Ryan were pronounced man and wife. Ten bucks says that they attend DDAHnna and Jesse’s wedding on May 9, 2009. Or maybe they will be invited to commentate like Our Host Chris Harrison did! Exciting times ahead!
But wait. The couch is still not ready for the therapy session. Instead, we are privileged to experience the “We Have the Cutest Baby Ever and Insist on Dressing Him in Catch Phrase Onesies” video package. Max is adorable. And if you don’t believe me, his onesie says so. I’m pretty sure the last one he was wearing said, “Green Peace” or “Green Peas” [patent pending…CALLED IT.] My favorite was, “I’m glad my Daddy accepted the rose” but it was left on the cutting room floor. Pity.
Finally, DDAHnna and Jesse are allowed into the room where Trista and Ryan are all snuggly together on a big comfy couch. Jess sits down in a big squishy chair across from the couple. Instead of DD sitting adjacent in an equally-as-squishy chair, she decides to wedge herself in with Jesse and fling her legs over his lap. You know. As if they have been dating/married forever. Like Trista and Ryan. Her role models.
Trista begins the session by asking where they spent their alone time…Bahamas was it?…and if that was when she knew Jesse was the one for her. DDAHnna quickly reminds Trista that it was NOT the Bahamas…but the GRAND Bahamas and yes…that was indeed the time she fell in love.
DDAHnna: “It was just the little things that made it wonderful. You can get to know someone when you are in a fantasy suite together. He doesn’t leave the toilet seat up, which is a plus. And he doesn’t snore…which is a deal-breaker for me. And his hair is so cute in the morning when he wakes up after a long night of…”
Trista: “There’s a baby upstairs. Let’s keep it to G-Rated, okay D?”
DDAHnna tells the camera that she is PUMPED that Trista is her new bestie. They have tons in common. They both like boys from Colorado. And they were both dumped by evil Bachelors on live TV. And neither of their original Bachelors has found true love. SCORE!
The couples are forced to segregate. Trish asks if she can “steal” DDAHnna away to go outside. It gets a big laugh from the set. The cameras, unfortunately were not rolling, and the intern asks her to sit back down and do it again. She obliged, but with much less enthusiasm. She and Ryan are SO OVER scripted material.
D asked Trista how to make this marriage work, because she is only getting married ONCE and time is ticking with her “three by 30” goal. Trista says that there will be 15 minutes of fame and to take advantages of the perks. But then she warns that it is important to get back to the reality of dating and being a couple.
Back inside, Jesse asks a much more serious question:
“Dude…how do I get her to Colorado? Was it hard for Trista to move here?”
Ryan answers no, because they are so ridiculously in love that she would follow him anywhere. Jesse looks forlorn. Ryan says that all he needs is romance in order to find true happiness. And if he works hard at the relationship…and not making it a fairy tale like ABC wants, then he will be fine.
The producers stare at each other from behind the camera, but decide to continue rolling since this is there one and ONLY success story. Maybe this fireman really knows what he’s talking about!
Ryan goes on to say that Jess should not be a jerk when approached on the street. He reminds him that he is an inspiration for people all over the world that you can find your soul mate in the unlikeliest of places. Jesse utters a low, “Duuuuuude. That’s awesome” before asking about the final pièce de résistance piece of advice.
“She wants three kids by 30. How in the world am I supposed to handle that?”
Ryan: “You need to have some alone time for sure before having kids. Because kids change priorities. My best advice to you is to start now and pray for twins.”
It’s time for Jesse and DDAHnna to head back to Breck, but before they go, DD begs Trista to wake Baby Max up from his nap so she can smell his head. Trista fetches the little one and hands him over to DD. If you were a dog, you could have heard DD’s uterus cry out. She forces Jesse to “put that baby on your hip.” He does and looks like he’s about to hurl. Much like he did right before buying an engagement ring. Trista attempts to pry her baby from DD’s arms and bids the couple farewell.
So there you have it! I’m assuming…
Wait. What’s this? Hotter than Crap Brad Womack? Why are we on this fake set that is supposed to look like his living room? Is he watching the finale on a TV that is way too tiny and would never be in a Bachelor pad? Is that a hoagie on a plate in front of him? Did Hotter than Crap Brad just take a ginormous bite of that sandwich? Do I hear audio of Jesse asking D to marry him? Did Hotter than Crap Brad just choke back some of that hoagie when D answered yes?
And then my DVR cut off. This has ABC intern written all over it. Kudos my friend. You will be missed. Until the fall!
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,