Women Tell All…And They Don’t Hold Back

The “Women Tell All” episode is always fun for me. For once, I don’t feel like I have to take extensive notes to remember all the juicy details. Instead, I just make a list of all the crazy things these media hungry girls say on national TV.

So I thought it would be fun to just write out…verbatim…what was in my notes.

WARNING: This might be a bit random.

– Seriously…the twin thing again?
– Our host Chris Harrison is so cute and witty.
– Hillary said that Brad is hotter than David Beckham.

Close…but not cigar. No one can mess with Becks.

– The word “b!tch” was uttered 14 times in that montage. Classy ladies!
– Someone said that Solisa is a slut. You think? Nice boob shot. Nice butt shot. Nice boob/butt shot. Nice body shot. Nice topless shot. Nice crotch shot.
– McNasty smells like a fish taco?

– Our host Chris Harrison asks McCracken if she was a bully. McCracken says that she and DDAHnna were just straight forward and mature. She then called someone a b!tch and turns to pout to her neighbor, realizes it is Hillary and sticks her tongue out at her.
– Stephy tells McCracken, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say at all.” McCracken has to be smacked on the back of the head so her eyeballs return to the proper placement in her eye sockets.
– Sarah wants to know why McCracken was so rude to her. McCracken simply states, “I don’t want to be friends with you.” Sarah calls her a ho skank. Let’s take that phrase to the bank readers! You don’t get ho skank anymore! Spread it around!
– McCracken said that all Jade and Hillary did was talk about her and DDAHnna. She thanks the girls for wasting “air time” on them. SNAP!
– Our host Chris Harrison plays the b-roll footage of Hillary comparing Bettina to an old used car…one you have to kick to make sure it runs. Bettina smiles blankly. Hillary laughs like an idiot and says she was drunk. McCracken says that she should have said that comment to Bettina’s face. Hillary pulls McCracken’s hair and says, “I stayed a week longer than you beyotch” and follows up with something resembling, “Neener, neener , neener!”

And that was just the first five minutes.

I think there are 1.2 million candles on the set.

Hillary in the hot seat:
– She’s still an idiot.
– Thanks ABC for showing us the footage of Hillary talking about chemistry and how Brad could be her best friend, lover and husband.
– Look! There’s the fake wedding dress that is two sizes too small! Nothing like a good heaving moment and feeling your boobs under your chin. I think I just saw a nip!
– Our host Chris Harrison asks Bettina why she cried almost every time she was with Brad. Hillary answers, “I know! What was that about? They should have given me PMS medicine.” They? Who are they? PROOF ladies and gentleman that there is INDEED an ABC psychotherapist.
– Our host Chris Harrison also points out that the “f” word was thrown around a lot. Friend. (Oh Chris…you sly dog.) He wonders how she didn’t see that coming? Hillary wonders why Brad didn’t tell her at the pool party. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER ONE: “Uhm…I think he did. Other than writing a sky writer to say, ‘Hil…we are just friends.’ Let’s face it. Even if he did you’d probably think, ‘Oh! He’s proposing!”

THAT, my friends, is what we need more of on The Bachelor. Our host Chris Harrison shooting from the hip. He and I together? Golden. I’m waiting for my call ABC producers.

Bettina in the hot seat:
– Our host Chris Harrison talks about Bettina’s emotional journey and how she was the controversial one of the group
– The girls feel that she was totally different in front of Brad
– There’s her Stephen King Dad again…laughing at Brad’s empty brain
– Our host Chris Harrison brings up how she was jealous of Sheena’s date. Sheena says that she would have been happy sitting on a towel in the parking lot. Who doesn’t love this girl?
– Bettina admits that she was totally surprised she got a rose after watching hometown date. She knows that Brad felt judged, but quite frankly she says she was a little turned off by Brad. She felt he was attacking her family and defends their attitude toward him

Spoken like a girl who came in third place. LOVED Brad’s reaction back stage to that comment. I’m sure he’s feeling complete confidence that booting Bettina was the right thing to do.

What the crap question of the night:
Random audience member to Bettina: Was it uncomfortable being intimate with Brad on your overnight date?

Sheena in the hot seat:
– Sheena gets a kudos montage of her freaking out about wonder twin Chad’s lack of blond ear hair. Can we please, PLEASE, step away from the ear hair? If I hear the infamous poem…so help me…
– We also see a video montage of her falling down the stairs and ugly crying. She talks about jumping down a rabbit hole too. She does resemble Alice in Wonderland, but I’m not sure that was the analogy they were going for.

Wonder Twin Chad in the hot seat:
– Sweet wonder twin Chad talks about how he and his brother look nothing alike. He knows that Brad is the good looking one. Did you not want to pick him up and rock him back and forth and call him your own? Just me?
– Our host Chris talks about the girls who had no idea he was a twin. Mainly fetus Sarah and other fetus Lindsey. Both claimed that they just trusted he was who he said he was. Poor Lindsey was confused as to why he was shorter.
– Wonder twin Chad said that Sheena exudes class. He said when you are genuine, you can’t hide it. All together now…AWWWWWWWWWWW!

Brad in the hot seat:
– He’s hotter than crap.
– Question from Hillary: “Obviously watching the show, I got it that we were just friends. I wish you were little bit more jugular…you were skirting around the issue. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER TWO: “Maybe you could have sported a tattoo that says Just Friends?” Hotter than crap Brad responds, “I do love you to death. I think more highly of you than you realize.” Not sure that was the appropriate answer for the psycho hyperventilating chick Brad. What’s that number again? The one for the restraining order store? You might want to put that on speed dial.
– Question from Bettina: “I know you felt judged by family. So why the heck did you give me a rose?” Hotter than crap Brad responds: “Because of you not your family.”

Seriously? Could he be more perfect? (Read like Chandler Bing.)

Bachelorettes Gone Wild reel:
– Solisa says she is shy. Video reveals that she might be for hire. Nice pole.
– In a brilliant move that will forever be one of the best WTA moments in Bachelor history, ABC chooses to show the Hillary “X-Rated” voice over of how she plans to have the Bachelor ravish her. Eighteen seconds of constant beeps and mouth blurs. The camera cuts from the b-roll, to an embarrassed Hillary, to a blushing Brad, back to snickering Chris, a laughing Hillary, b-roll still playing, back to uncomfortable Brad, on to Chris looking at his watch and back to b-roll. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER THREE: (Uncomfortable pause for effect) “Do you want to rethink your decision?”

YES! HE NEEDS TO BE A BIGGER PART OF THIS SHOW! YOU CAN’T TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO COME UP WITH ZINGERS LIKE THAT!

Our host Chris looks at Brad and says, “You can’t tell us how this ends, but can you tell us if you are happy?”

Brad answers, “Absolutely not a single regret. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.”

Such a southern gentleman. Swoon!

ABC thinks we are idiots, and play a reel from two years ago about what the next Bachelor needs to be. I was not fooled. Lots of past season girls saying things like, “Hot!” and “Rich!” and “Funny!” mixed in with current girls from this season.

Our final video montages are two quick clips about both Jenni and DDAHnna. Here’s what our hotter than crap Bachelor had to say about both:

Jenni: She is an incredible woman who loves life. She’s always smiling and I can’t keep my hands off of her. From day one I was very attracted.

DDAH: She blew me away. She’s the whole package…beautiful, intelligent and independent. She’s made it through tough circumstances in her life and I admire her strength. She makes me want to be a stronger person. She’s a strong southern girl with values.

A quick vote from our panel of booted Bachelorettes, and we find the score pretty even. Six think Jenni is the winner and five believe DDAHnna will get the ring.

What do I think? Tough to say. He’s constantly talks about following his heart. And his description of DDAHnna seemed very heart-felt. His thoughts on Jenni seem to be very physical.

This could be the power of ABC editing as well. They choose what we hear and see.

I’d like to believe he doesn’t pick either because he reads www.iHateGreenBeans.com and has fallen head over heels in love with me and my witty banter.

Hey…it could happen.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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