Women Tell All

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First off, let me say how excited I am to see all you spoiler-loving people chatting it up on the message board.  I’m so glad I gave you a place to figure out what the heck is going on.  And I’m so glad that I have been strong enough to NOT PEEK ONCE!  Look at me and all my will power.  Go Lincee…go Lincee…it’s your birthday…not really.

 

This is a reminder to please NOT put spoiler comments on this post.  Use the “Peer Pressure” one from the previous week.  And then it will be all said and done and we can go ahead and get on with our lives and how Dancing with the Stars will be our new obsession. 

 

The “Women Tell All” episode is notorious for being a great big build up that results in a mediocre night of stuff we already knew or didn’t really care about.  

 

Therefore, I’m going to keep with my WTA tradition and stick with what I do best.  Making lists!  Oh if I had a colored highlighter for every number, I would be a happy camper!

 

20 Most Memorable Discoveries/Moments of “The Women Tell All”

 

1.                  Witnessing Stalker Shannon’s Snotapalooza 2009 in great detail for a second time was just as disturbing as the first.  The blowing of the nose.  The picking of the nose.  The bits of paper napkin remnants left on the nose.  The wackadoo lick of the lips as she dives in for the mucus-layered kiss.  It made my throat thick.   Not necessary ABC.  Not necessary.

 

2.                  Jason telling Our Host Chris Harrison that “all the clouds were aligning” when he arranged for little Sophie to be reunited with Stephanie on their date.  Really Jason?  The clouds were aligning?  Perhaps you meant stars? 

 

3.                  Jillian was not only personally handed the “friend card” by Jason, but was publically deemed as the ULTIMATE friend.  Which brings us to…

 

Classic Hare Moment Number One

Jason:  “Jillian is the ultimate friend.”

Hare:  “Is that how you spend time with a friend in the hot tub?”

Jason:  “There just wasn’t enough passion for marriage.”

Hare:  “Dude…you almost consummated the marriage.”

 

4.                  Our Host Chris Harrison asks Jason about the overnight date with Molly in the fantasy tent on the putting green in the back yard.  Which bring us to…

 

Classic Hare Moment Number Two

Hare:  “Jason…what really happened inside the tent?  We heard the zipping.”

Jason:  “Get your head out of the gutter.  We were only in there for three hours.”

Hare:  “Three hours of sex is a lot.”

 

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love Chris Harrison.  Can I get an amen? 

 

5.                  Jason is a horse stuntman for his real job. 

 

6.                  Molly lost a bet at the super swank private country club and somehow Jason ended up in his crimson boxers on the 9th hole.  I guess the clouds were aligning for him and that’s how he won. 

 

7.                  Jason literally pretends to kill himself with a rubber knife on the set of General Hospital so Stalker Shannon and Megan will cease and desist from sticking their tongues down his throat during “improve” class. 

 

8.                  Jason decides to rap for Molly on their McDonald date.  And here we go again…

 

Classic Hare Moment Number Three

Hare:  “That was awful Jason.  Why would you do that again?  We knew from the Bachelorette that you suck.”

 

9.                  Trista and Ryan have just been named “Longest 15 Minutes of Fame” in the Guinness Book of World Records.  Never fear…Baby Max and Little Sister have healthy college funds. 

 

10.             Our Host Chris Harrison reminds us that Trista and Ryan are not the only success stories in the ABC Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.  Charlie and Sarah are back on again after a chance meeting with Garfield at a Halloween party in LA.  Sadly, Sarah decides to air their dirty laundry on national TV and outs her boyfriend’s drinking problem.  Family fun!

 

11.              Hare asks, “What happens when the cameras stop rolling?”  Apparently lap dances.  And jumping into pools while screaming at the top of your lungs.

 

12.              Adorable Chicago Fred has found love with the first Noelle.  He thinks she is a blessing and I think I might cry.  YOU’RE MY BOY CHICAGO FRED! 

 

13.              If memory serves me correctly, Stalker Shannon’s teeth were whiter than before.  Or maybe it’s because her skin was darker and more leathery.  Regardless, she was rockin’ some serious bed head.

 

14.              Stephanie wore my grandmother’s coral “sleep suit” from 1964. 

 

15.              Erica is still loud and obnoxious.

 

16.              Natalie, who doesn’t like jewelry thank you very much, decided to play with all 57 bangle bracelets on her wrist when not smoothing out her hair.  Oh look!  It’s time for another…

 

Classic Hare Moment Number Four

Hare:  “You seem shocked…well…pissed that you were let go.”

Natalie (adjusting her hair):  “You don’t understand Hare.  I couldn’t have my iPod.  And I need that to work out.  And I didn’t have my Blackberry.  I couldn’t call or text or anything.”

 

Hare:  “So they took away all your superficial things and you were left with just you.”

Natalie:  “Calm down Hare. 

 

17.              ABC is blatantly setting Jillian up to be the next Bachelorette.  The tag line will be, “Slaying the dragons to find her Prince.  (But don’t worry…it’s not that Borghese fella.)  Go Canuck!”  Is that too long for a promo spot? 

 

18.              Why does Naomi continue to sniff her pits?

 

19.              How many of you thought that Our Host Chris Harrison was going to bring out the ABC intern when he said that he wanted to introduce someone who has been with the show forever in a behind-the-scenes capacity?  You KNOW that would have been a total shout-out to me.  Instead we meet Cesar the limo driver who, I assume, is going to have a bigger role in future seasons.  Or he’s been asked to leave due to the recession and the intern will be driving the girls around in a Volvo.

 

20.             According to Jillian, Jason is 70% mustard and 20% ketchup.  Considering what’s going down next week (I don’t read spoilers but I hear it’s pretty bad) that leaves about 10% left for d-bag.  

 

Here’s looking forward to the drama I’ve been missing out on! 

 

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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