Women Tell All Recap: Juan is the Loneliest Number

One would assume that cutting 30 minutes out of a regularly scheduled (albeit still too long) two hour episode of Women Tell All would result in a tantalizing, heated exchange among catty women. Instead, Kelly the Dog Lover reigned as Queen Bee among her minions. It was equally confusing as it was boring.

I’ve been mindlessly scanning over three pages of notes (typically I write about 12 pages) and still can’t seem to muster anything beyond, “What in the world is Our Host Chris Harrison trying to pull with that skeevy five o’clock shadow business?” But I am a professional. And a post that simply reads, “Anybody got any ideas?” just won’t do.

Besides – I sort of already wrote that in my post from this morning.

In moments like these, I think it’s best to stick with what you know. And I know music. Following is a list of random things we learned during last night’s episode. It is without further ado that I present to you…the soundtrack of Women Tell All.

Track 1: Disco Inferno – The Trammps
Break out the aloe vera because Sean got burn baby burned. Not once, but twice! Mike Fleiss begins our whine trip down memory lane with a salute to the current golden couple of the franchise…Sean and Catherine. After learning that Sean was sexually assaulted by a stingray (thank you for that) on his honeymoon, Our Host insists that they share with America the intimate details of the honeymoon night. Catherine’s response: “Fireworks. Quick fireworks.” Sean nervously laughed it off and told Harrison that they would be trying for kids in about a year. Catherine’s response: “Because he’s so old.” It made me sad how disrespectful she was and you could tell it bothered him.

eet's okayTrack 2: It’s Not Easy Being Green – Kermit the Frog
This isn’t the first time The Muppets have been featured on The Bachelor. I tried to follow the trail in my head. Disney apparently purchased Jim Henson’s creatures about a decade ago, so that makes sense that ABC would be pimping out their new movie coming to theaters near you on March 21! An interview with both Miss Piggy and Kermit impersonator is certainly special! Harrison’s scruff is special too.

Tracke 3: Olé, Olé, Olé – The Song Played At Every Soccer Game
Juan Pablo is sexy. His Spanish accent gave many of the women hot flashes. He apparently is extra hot when he plays soccer.

Track 4: Swoop! There It Is – Tag Team
One out of every five bachelorettes now swoop their hair to the side. Kat loved the fact that it’s like a low side pony, but not really.

Track 5: Walk on the Ocean – Toad the Wet Sprocket
DAndi and Kat were Clare’s roommates and they didn’t even know that she snuck out to have relations with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Everyone agrees that this was totally uncool of Clare. And Victoria thinks that it was even more disrespectful for her to get soooo much alone time with Juan Pablo in the hot tub! I think we all agreed when we asked ourselves, “WHO IS VICTORIA?”

Track 6: You’re Still the One – Shania Twain
Sharlene had no clue that she was so “high up” on the Juan Pablo to do list. (That is not an innuendo.) She still claims that she was missing a cerebral connection with him, but their chemistry was so electric that she couldn’t help but melt in his arms. When all the other girls were complaining that he never wanted to get to know them, she responded by saying she found him curious. She doesn’t regret leaving him, but does regret that time she wore panty hose with shorts and vows on national television to never do it again.

Track 7: Mamma I’m Coming Home – Ozzy Osbourne
Several ladies, but mostly Dog Lover Queen Bee, had a really big issue with Juan Pablo labeling Renee and Cassandra as his “special ones.” Chantel wanted to know why she wasn’t special too!?! Juan Pablo explained that they left their sons home. “But we left stuff too!” cried the overdressed women besides Renee on the plastic see-through chairs! Juan Pablo quietly explains that their job as a mineral coordinator in no way equals that of a living, breathing child. Everyone pretty much shut up after that and moved on to busting his balls in other ways.

Track 8: Same Ol Situation — Mötley Crüe
Renee pretends to be sad about watching her five minute journey to find love with Juan Pablo. She admits that she learned a lot about dating as a single mom and then announces that she’s in a “situation” right now that has left her very happy. According to People Magazine, that “situation” just happens to be an old flame from before high school who recently proposed and now they are moving across country to Seattle. The verdict is still out on whether the Mesnicks have agreed to do a reality show on HGTV with them. If it is given a green light, I hope there’s a balcony nearby for moments of weakness, or we will know it’s not authentic.

Track 9: Good Morning Starshine – The Musical Hair
DAndi wants everyone to know that Juan Pablo was not authentic. He was very negative, sort of arrogant and utterly insane when he brought up his overnight date with Clare. At that point she was MENTALLY DONE. Instead of graciously telling him the truth she admitted to fake falling asleep and praying for the morning to come. That was weak DAndi. Eeet’s not okay.

Track 10: Forget You (censored version) – Cee Lo Green
The girl with brown hair was so irritated that Juan Pablo asked her what she saw herself doing in five years and then a few days later asked her what she would be doing in three years. To his defense, Our Host Chris Harrison asked the three brunettes on the back row to wear name tags because he none of the viewing audience could tell them apart even if we did remember who they were.

Track 11: I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It – Katy Perry
The Dog Lover asks Juan Pablo about his controversial “perverted” remark and he tells her that instead of only taking four minutes of air time to explain a conversation that was taken out of context, he wants to talk with her after. One of the brunette trio in the back row was very vocal about him hiding behind the ESL card, but Sharlene informed everyone that she had discussed “issues of equality” with Juan Pablo and doesn’t feel he is in the wrong. A collective eye roll ensued. Juan Pablo responded with an enthusiastic, “I LOVE GAY PEOPLE!”

Track 12: The Dog Days Are Over – Florence and the Machine
Dog Lover was very concerned that her dog Molly didn’t approach Juan Pablo when they first exited the limo. She knew something was up with this Latin hottie. If you can’t pass the Molly litmus test, you’re done mister! I would have loved to see Molly mark her territory right there on the freshly sprayed driveway. But according to the bloopers, she prefers to do that in the wading part of the pool.

Track 13: Simply the Best – Tina Turner
Did you spot the ABC Intern in the blooper reel when Juan Pablo and Harrison were sitting down to discuss the women? A picture fell from the Pier One Bureau and broke and he was there to fix everything. He had a belt with a feather duster attached to it. A FEATHER DUSTER! LONG LIVE THE ABC INTERN!

Track 14: You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet – Bachman Turner Overdrive
Our Host Chris Harrison promises that next week’s finale will be one like we’ve never seen. Dare I say…the most dramatic in Bachelor history? I can’t wait!

All about the shame, not the fame,


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