Prince Lorenzo: Episode 2
Dear ABC Editors:
I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for airing last night’s episode. You are truly doing an amazing job with what you’ve been given to work with and I admire the steps you’ve taken to make this reality show something worth tuning in to every Monday night. Congratulations.
It doesn’t matter that Erica is whining from the beginning until the end. You encourage her to tug on her extensions.
You embrace Kim’s drunk chatter on the beaches of the Mediterranean, and go so far as to have the intern translate her slurring words for America.
You even choose to air the moments of sheer dorkness when our Chach-of-a-Prince gets giddy about looking, almost touching, being tackled or heaven forbid, KISSED by a girl. (Must…get…vision…out…of…head…make…it…stop…)
My hat’s off to you. Congratulations on a job well done.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin with our host Chris Harrison inviting the ladies out to the backyard for the group date spiel. How he was able to get through without being transfixed by Erica’s boobs is beyond me, but our host is a pro. He explains that there will be two group dates and since Lisa received the first rose, she will get the first one-on-one date. Our Prince will be extending a rose on the two group dates and will send Lisa home to the palace with a rose or home to USA with a nice parting gift of pet spa coupons.
Cut to Erica hoisting one of her 14 pieces of luggage onto a bed in the palace. The camera quickly follows her to the balcony of the palace (because you know some smart person said, “yeah…someone stick with this girl the ENTIRE time) as she yells in her best socialite voice, “CCCCHHHRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!”
Our host follows the sound of the screeching and is confronted by an extremely miffed Daddy’s girl. Erica is upset. She’s not impressed with the palace. She doesn’t want to live in a room with three other girls and there is something significantly missing…a maid. By some subtle prodding by the ABC intern, she starts tugging her extensions and asks Chris Harrison in her best baby voice, “What am I supposed to do? Hire one of the other girls to be by maid?”
At this point, ABC had to edit. They just had to. There is no way our host Chris Harrison would have been able to keep stone cold. No way. I have to admit I was secretly hoping he would turn to the camera for a split second and give his Bachelor fans one of those adorable “Jim Halpert” faces, but he didn’t.
GROUP DATE 1
Romping Around Rome
It’s 10 minutes into the show and we have our first Chach moment from the Prince. He’s been told that he is going on a date with five girls and that is enough to make him squeal with glee. He straight out tells the camera, “I’m lucky if it’s me and ONE girl on a date.” Really Chach? You don’t say.
They go to the Colosseum, dress up like Gladiators and take pictures. Dork moment number two.
Prince Chach saunters off with Italian girl, who Erica calls Agnus, and attempts to communicate with this foreigner. Italian Agnus says Prince is “a handsome man and I’m in love with you and I want to kiss you.” Unfortunately, the Prince didn’t quite catch all that and confesses to the camera that he has a concern that communication might be a problem with Italian Agnus. You think?
They all hop on scooters, trying to recreate Roman Holiday and thinking this is the coolest thing ever. Crafty Erica said her driver’s license was expired and had to ride on the back of Prince Chach’s hog. They talk about the normal first date stuff…you know…how he has nice abs, how she can’t stand her roommates, her first sexual experience and a quick run-down of her last three serious relationships. It doesn’t matter that everyone was honking at them or that her helmet was on backwards, she was going to connect with her Prince.
The group finds their destination at sundown and are taken to a room full of fancy gowns. Squealing again. Where’s the mute button? Girls are twirling. Jami is holding a bra up to her boobs so they are not exposed to the little children. They all get dressed and meet on the roof for cocktails.
Prince Chach proclaims the girls look awesome. He gets a right on rocker sign from Jami. Poor Italian Agnus has no idea what is going on. He says he could be the King of Rome right now and kisses all the girls on the cheek.
Dork moment number three.
One quick conversation with Jami about tats and something about butterflies and wings and no longer being a caterpillar, when Erica pulls Prince away for some alone time.
Prince Chach asks Erica about the women in the house. Erica says that she doesn’t think Jami is right for him. Why he asks? Because she didn’t go to college. Prince Chach steps out of his dorkness for a moment and tells Erica that she can’t judge people based on them not having the same privileges she had. Erica comes back with a sound response.
I do judge.
Can we get a round of applause for blatant honesty?
Erica doesn’t even attempt to back track, because “thou shalt judge” is one of the 10 Commandments in her world. Prince leaves her on the balcony and in steps our favorite ABC Psychotherapist to help draw out the true meaning of what Erica was saying.
Which is…she judges people based on how they look and how much money they have.
“Let’s go with it!” the Psychotherapist announces and cameras start to role again.
“It is my opinion. It is my OPINION! I feel embarrassed…he asked me to judge, and I gave him my opinion. He is privileged and I am too. He doesn’t want a true princess. I can’t go to the rose ceremony. I will be going home without a rose and some other girl will and I will hate her. HATE HERRRRRRRRRRR. ”
Our Prince is now talking to Sadie about being married and finding true love on the Bachelor. He says it is the best conversation he has ever had. Sadie is secretly wondering if sizes run large in glass slippers. She will have to check.
A Picnic in the Borghese Family Park
Meet Lisa. She has her whole freaking life mapped out. She’s watched the Bachelor for nine seasons and is convinced it helps people like her find true love. Her five-year plan needs to be put in action RIGHT NOW and there is no stopping her from falling in love with her Prince.
Prince takes her to his family’s park…which is the most famous park in Rome. Lisa clings to his every word and tells him this is her perfect idea of a date…hanging out and being normal.
The twosome sit and have a picnic among a grove of trees. Prince tells Lisa that it won’t bother him if she wants to make out with one of the trees. He chuckles at his little joke and then starts a long soliloquy of how he hates when people feel the need to rush in to marriage based on a timeline.
Lisa decides to use her head and keeps her “married by 30” plan to herself for the time being. They eat again that night. Talk about statues in the park that are of his relatives. He makes up stories about each one of them and she stars at him with anxious eyes, knowing that with each minute that ticks away, she is one step closer to 30. The night ends with him giving her a rose.
GROUP DATE 2
Frolicking in the Mediterranean
Prince Chach is stoked that he is picking up the girls in a helicopter. The girls are in the backyard and see to choppers go over the house. They joke about how they are coming to pick them up and then realize the dream has come true!
Why, dear reader, was this so exciting? I think it would be fun to ride in a helicopter, but I don’t think I would have been this excited. I mean girls were screaming at the top of their lungs (you know how I love that) and skirts were whipping in the air to reveal panties and the phrase SHUT UP was uttered at least a million times by Dez. But was it really worth the excitement?
Once they arrive at the beach, it is a nice mixture of booze, boobs and bikinis. The girls are pumped that Prince took his shirt off and that he is so hot.
I guess they haven’t seen every other Bachelor, because I didn’t get it. He’s not bad, but hot? Take me back to the days of Bachelorettes. There were some nice bodies on that show. Remember Matt? I do…
They begin a friendly game of tackle beach football. Blonde Bombshells against the Brilliant Brunettes. Our Prince goes into Chach mode once again and gushes to the camera. Girls are actually TOUCHING him in BIKINIS. And he saw Sarah’s butt! This is the best date EVER!
Calm down Chach. Play it cool. You are a freaking pretend Prince. Act like one. Do you think Harry and William get all hot and bothered out on their yacht with the girls? Of course they do! They are GUYS. But they are suave enough to pull it off. Take it down a notch my friend.
Jennifer strikes up a conversation about high school sports. We learn that the Prince played football, squash and baseball. Jen divulges that she was a cheerleader (no joke) and to prove it, executes a somewhat ugly herkie. For that, he gives her a rose.
Dez encourages him to join her in the water baby. The Prince says that he hasn’t been called baby since he was in diapers and annoyingly asks her if she has a serious side.
RED FLAG DEZ…PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
My girl Dez says that she can be intimate and is down for “it” any time of the day.
That seems to be good enough for our Prince and they walk off to the rest of the girls.
AND NOW FOR THE MOMENT
WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Kim is trashed. She says she was tired, but was really passed out. Pouty Gina, who has said zero words this entire show, is upset that Kim is acting so immature.
Through varying hiccups, Kim attempts to have a conversation with the camera, but is at a loss for any eligible words except for the occasional f-bomb and the uttering of, “honestly…I’m going to throw up.” She then falls down in the intern’s lap. He quickly props her up on a lounge chair, throws some decorative Pier 1 pillows behind her head and tries to pull a “Weekend at Bernie’s” on us.
When the Prince tries to wake her up, a moment of wonder, amusement and a sheer happiness bubbled up inside me. Here is what our dear Kim said to the camera:
I hate you guys
The damn, eh
The lod deb us
I hate you loof
Have a damn
I planted that last rose
I hate vodka
I’m sweating beads
Oh I thought he was the waiter
You’re really laughing with me?
I know I watched that scene 12 times on my DVR. I laughed. I cried. I strained to make out the words. I wanted to kiss the ABC intern for translating. I was inspired to try and use the word blasphemy more in conversation. I laughed some more. I forgave ABC for such a terrible episode. And of course I prayed that she would receive a rose so that we could be enlightened with more of “Guess What’s She’s Saying: Drunk Talk with Bachelorette Kim.”
Classic. LOVED IT! That my friends is Bachelor Hall of Fame material.
Prince takes Italian girl outside to try and convince himself that it is not worth keeping her for her looks and that a relationship without talking is just silly. He tells her that he likes that she is trying so hard and that her English is way better than his Italian. At that moment, Italian girl plants a wet one on our Prince.
I choose at this moment, to not call him a Chach. Let’s pray to the good Lord that he wasn’t ready for the attack. Or that her breath was bad.
Because this was THE MOST AWKWARD thing I have ever seen in my life. Terrible. Horrible. I hid my eyes, but then rewound it to watch again. Why do I do that? I think I was hoping I saw it wrong or that maybe it was as BAD as I thought, but no. It was just wrong.
Meanwhile, poor Kim explains her careless actions at the beach to the camera crew and tries to masquerade her passing out on the beach as a little cat nap. “I mean, who wouldn’t after a long day out in the sun want to shut their eyes for a little bit?”
All the girls get a little irritated when Lisa steals away the Prince. She already has a rose. LET US HAVE A CHANCE!
Supposedly, when she walked by Ellen and Sadie, there were words exchanged. I don’t know, or care, what Ellen thought she her or if Lisa said it, but it made Lisa cry. And that is just good TV.
Jami and Dez go off exploring the place and find our Prince’s bedroom. They smell the sheets, and his boxers and wonder if they will get caught. IRONICALLY, the Prince catches them and they decide to have a pillow fight on the bed with him in it. It’s all he can do to not die from a heart attack right then and there. TWO GIRLS IN HIS BED! The ABC intern tells the others that there is a party going on in the Bachelor pad and the others run up to join the fun. Sarah cranks up the music and we have a dance off. Lots of grinding, humping and a little 80s action thrown in there for good measure.
Our host Chris clinks his champagne glass and it is time for the
Jeanette: I don’t remember her in the show.
Dez: I guess he doesn’t mind the baby talk after all
Jami: He digs the rocker chick’s butterfly tat
Gina: Maybe one day we will hear her speak
Italian girl: Self explanatory
Erica: Flouncing up to his grace, “You made a really good decision!”
Sadie: humming “some day my Prince will come…”
Jennifer: I say Prince, you say Chach, PRINCE chach PRINCE chach
Even though Drunk Kim got the axe, I think we will have our fun with Erica. She won’t let us down!
All about the shame, not the fame,