And then there were two
I’ve only be recapping this show for the last six years…what do I know?
Kudos to ABC for keeping me on my toes. I really thought Molly was a goner. I literally uttered a gasp when he called her name. And from all the uncomfortable blushing I was experiencing during Jillian and Jason’s soft core porn scene in the wine vat/pseudo hot tub, I pretty much assumed the two had chemistry.
But then again…what do I know?
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Since we are forced each week to watch two hours of the beloved show we love to hate, Jason must waste time by recapping in voiceover fashion why he has kept the remaining three girls and what he hopes to accomplish in New Zealand. This part of the show takes up about 20 minutes of my life that I will never get back.
“Jill is so fun. Remember the hot dog bit? Man…that was cool. I was a mustard! And she thought I was ketchup! But it’s hard for her to open up to me. I need to know that I am her world. I can’t look a fool at the Home Depot proposal pedestal like I did last year with DD. Sometimes I wonder if she is too independent. Or too adventurous. I know that’s one of the things I say is important to me, but it’s more like a guideline than a rule. I still have nightmares about that weird lake monster. Bottom line is…I need to see some passion in New Zealand. If that happens, I can see her being my wife.”
“Mol is so attractive and has the most amazing eyes. Have you seen them? Let me draw you a picture. I’ve been practicing. Intern – fetch me a sketch pad and a green drawing pencil. I could stare at her all night long. Plus, she’s a good kisser. It’s one of her talents. She told me so. And she’s slept over before in the exotic overnight tent on the putting green. You heard the zippers…I’m just saying. I wasn’t even weirded out about her need for parental approval. I OWN PARENTS! Do you remember how I had Mr. Pappas in the palm of my hand on DD’s hometown date? Don’t get me started on grandmothers. They love me. Anyway, I want to see her take her walls down. If that happens, I can see her being my wife.”
“Who doesn’t love a cheerleader? Not meeting her family was a potential deal breaker though. I need to talk to her about that when we get to New Zealand. If she has a good explanation, I can see her being my wife.”
The crew and Jason move outdoors so he can stand on a rock in the middle of the river and lovingly look at baby ducks splashing around in the current. The river symbolizes constant change and how we should embrace it. The baby duck symbolizes a new beginning.
Or maybe Ty being left alone to fend for himself in the rushing current of life without his Dad. It’s a toss up really.
A ride in an actual helicopter
Jill tells the camera that the coolest way to pick up a chick is in a chopper. I’m loving this girl! She’s so hip. She’s so now! She’s so…
Wearing a plaid flannel shirt from high school?
Jason hops out of the chopper. I kid you not reader…he is wearing an almost identical shirt as Jill. Straight up from page 32 of the 1997 Eddie Bauer catalogue.
The flannel twins race across the moor and embrace each other as if they were two long-lost lumberjacks finding love for the first time. Jason picks her up and twirls her around. She wraps her legs around him. He tells the camera that his wonder twin is the perfect girl for this date.
They fly around, looking at the mountains and lakes and scenery. I’m pretty sure there was a clause in the contract that stated ABC had to show at least five minutes of New Zealand footage in order for the Queenstown Chamber of Commerce to grant them full access to the winery, bungee jumping bridge and hot bath gardens. It sure did work. I’d like a New Zealand stamp in my passport!
Jason: “The chopper lands on this cool ledge that overlooks all of New Zealand. Then it takes off. Nobody else was around except me and Jill. We were totally alone. Gary the ABC cameraman was really quiet except for that one time he screamed when nearly slipped off the cliff. And Tiffany, who is the chick that holds the boom mic, only hit me in the head twice. The intern was sweet enough to hide behind a rock and pretend he didn’t exist after he spread out blankets and the picnic basket. The ABC psychotherapist just sat and took notes for her next book. I barely noticed her. We were the only two people on the cliff.”
Jill calls Jason “babe” and asks how we would describe her to someone back home.
Jason: “You are fun.”
The ABC Psychotherapist daintily coughs.
Jason: “Annnnd…gorgeous, exciting, adventurous! Totally not sauerkraut at all.”
Jill tells the camera that their connection is amazing and that he is her best friend. She really feels that they might be ready for BeFri necklaces.
Jason wants to check out the view. It’s a pretty big drop off and they are literally on the edge. Much like their relationship. The irony is amazing, isn’t it?
Jill pretends to be falling so Jason will put his arms around her because she’s sensing that she may be walking the “friendship” line…and not in a good way. Jason wants to pretend they are Rose and Jack and do the Titanic thing with their arms wide open. Jill reminds him that they are A.) not on a boat and B.) no matter what they are wearing, it is not 1997. That joke is old so please put your arms down.
He mentally notes that this “independent” thing Jill has going on is getting pretty old and gives her a black mark for not recognizing that Titanic is a classic.
Jason takes Jill to a winery. When she finds out where they are going, Jill wonders if she should have re-thought the white mini dress. Lincee wonders if Jill should have re-thought the white mini dress paired with black knee boots, but whatever. Jill talks about the day being the best date ever and chatters on about how every time she hangs out with Jason, her expectations are exceeded.
Jason: “Jill is cool and all and our conversations just flow. But everyone knows that spending the night with someone is an important part of the process. If you add all of the time we’ve spent together, it’s about 12.5 hours. Divide that up and you have the equivalent of at least three dates. We all know why we are here. The fantasy suites. Let’s get this show on the road so I can figure out if this Canuk has any sort of passion whatsoever.”
Jason asks Jill why she thinks he’s cool. Jill said that she feels when she is with him. He rolls his eyes, checks his watch and sips wine straight from the bottle.
Jillian: “Do you have something to give me tonight?”
Jason refrains from saying, “I’ve got your something right here baby” and hands over the forgo card. Jill reads the message from Our Host Chris Harrison aloud and asks Jason if he can “handle” a full night with her. Jason raises an eyebrow and answers, “Without a doubt.”
Jillian then channels her inner sex kitten and tells the camera that she is ready to be really close and to connect physically with Jason. She needs to know that he can handle all this fire.
They go to the fantasy suite, drinking a little champagne, eat a little chocolate and then Jill changes into a skimpy bikini. The ABC intern fills a wine vat up with lukewarm water and pink rose petals. Then he cranks up the “bedroom eyes” playlist on his iPod and we watch Jason and Jill conduct some serious foreplay before taking it upstairs.
Not at all awkward.
Jason: “It was great being all alone with Jill.”
Lincee: Dude. Gary the camera guy is right there. And so was ALL OF AMERICA!
Jason: “We were wet, it was dark, we were holding hands, Jill is wrapping her legs around me and grabbing my butt. That one time Gary told us to switch positions was weird, but I’m glad I have it on tape to show my friends. Plus, I can critique myself before I get busy with Mol and Mel. What up!”
Jumping off a bridge
Jason’s heart is pounding as Mol runs to greet him. Ten minutes later after zig zagging down the mountain path, they reach each other in a loving embrace. He picks her up and twirls her around. I noticed that her feet did NOT come off the ground and grab him in a Jason sandwich. (However that means NOTHING now.)
Jason tells her that he will be taking her to the most beautiful view in New Zealand. But guess what? It’s on a bridge that you have to jump off of with only a small thin rubber band holding you. HOLLA! Now sign this death waiver and let’s get on with it!
Molly tells the camera that she is fearful, but is glad that they are in this together.
Oh ABC and your clever irony.
Mol and Jason are on the bungee bridge and both appear to be having second thoughts. Jason wishes he didn’t label himself the “adventurer” and Molly is scared her Daddy will dis-own her if she doesn’t go through with it. The shuffle to the edge, kiss for luck and Mol decides that they will fall on three.
Jason: “Okay. Wait, what? Why three?”
Mol: “1-2-3. Fall on three.”
Jason: “I would think you would fall on one.”
Jason: “3-2-1. Fall on one.”
Mol: “Does it really matter? Are we having this conversation?”
Jason: “I just need to know what you want to do, because I can’t make decisions.”
Mol: “Right. That’s why I’m in your life. To tell you what to do. Now we are falling on three, got it?”
Jason: “Okay, but I still think…”
The bungee operator pushes the tethered pair off the ledge and Jason screams like a girl the whole way down (when his curse words are not bleeped out.) They make out upside down because they both had that fantasy after watching Spiderman that time. However, they laugh about the irony AFTERWARDS because that’s when it comes up in conversation. When Jill insists they play 21 questions. Because how is she supposed to marry a man when she doesn’t know how he takes his coffee?
Molly: “If you could only eat one food for the rest…”
Lincee: Doh! Jill’s a vegetarian Jason. Her parents don’t approve of the murder of innocent cows.
Molly: “What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?”
Jason: “Peanut butter chocolate.”
Molly: “If you could attend the concert of anyone, who would it be?”
Lincee: Now we’re talking.
Molly: “If there was a fire and you could save one thing, what would it be?”
Lincee: Duh Jill. HIS KID!
Jason: “My vintage Air Jordans.”
Mol tells Jason that she has one last question but it must be saved for the evening. And because the evening is SO SPECIAL, Jill decides to rock the messy side pony. Again. Jason, on the other hand, decides to wear the same thing he wore with Jill. Jason says his biggest worry is that Mol will shy away from the evening.
They have a very awkward dinner full of uncomfortable pauses. Jason admits that it’s annoying that he has to pull conversation from Molly. But those eyes are hypnotizing. He must focus. What was he going to talk about? Oh yeah…how Mol’s family is not affectionate.
Jason: “So I noticed your parents don’t sit close to each other. What’s that about?”
Mol: “We are not a mushy gushy family.”
Jason: “You mean lovey dovey?”
Mol: “Sure. It’s hard for me to take my guard down, but I feel I’m doing that with you. I know I drug you off into a pile of furry blankets on our first date and made out horizontally while the other girls watched and that beauty queen cried, but I am an emotional wreck here.”
Jason: “But you are so hot and you are an amazing kisser. I told everyone who was listening at midnight on that fake radio show that I though you were the best.”
Mol: “It’s clear that I’m the best Jason. Feelings are involved now. That’s a big difference. I really think I’m falling in love with you.”
Jason said that hearing Mol was falling in love with him made all the difference. She looked better, she kissed better, she smelled better. The heat is ON! Just as he’s about to pull out the forgo card, Molly pulls out one first and hands it to him, inviting Jason to spend the night with her all night long. She feels that he LIKED her taking control. Another thing she’s good at.
Jason was touched, but wanted the fantasy suite because he heard that the intern was pimping out a bathtub. With bubbles and everything! They agree to “check it out” and end up staying. They change into their bathing suits and get in the bathtub which I think is totally lame. And then they don’t face each other which is even more lame. So we are treated to twisting and turning awkwardly to reach the other’s mouth kissing in a bathroom. Lame.
Mel bounces down a hill littered with frolicking little lambs and greats Jason in a passionate embrace. As he twirls her around she wraps her legs around him. Then he carries her like a baby on his hip.
Jason is excited to see Mel because the romance and passion are already there. He just wants to pick up where they left off. Meaning…maybe he’ll seal the deal twice on this trip. I’m just saying.
They hang out on Winston Churchill’s boat and talk about how nervous Mel is acting today.
Mel: “I always overanalyze things. Must be the finance major in me.”
Jason jerks his head up: “I thought you were a cheerleader!”
Mel: “I went to college Jason.”
Jason: “You told me you wanted to be a first grade teacher.”
Melissa distracts him long enough with spirit sprinkles for him to forget and they make out on the bow of the boat. At one point she appeared to be in the splits.
Jason takes her to a garden full of hot baths. The step in, Jason slips, and pour themselves two glasses of champagne. That they awkwardly hold above the steaming water as Jason asks about Mel’s parents. Mel reassures Jason that all she wants is for them to see how happy he makes her. This makes him happy and they make out.
Later, Jason picks up Mel who is notably excited because she thought the date had ended hours ago. (Has she never seen the show before?) They talk about her parents again. At this point, everyone is bored with that conversation and Jason hands over the forgo card. Mel genuinely has no idea what is on this card and is stoked to be joining Jason in the fantasy suite.
Mel knows that she must profess her love for Jason. She admits to being scared as the music swells up behind her…a testament that ABC is rooting for the cheerleader…and she says it. Jason doesn’t even bother with any kind of foreplay involving water and takes Mel straight to the bedroom, making sure to close the shutters behind him.
Our boy Harrison has a great gig, right? He flies all the way to New Zealand to talk to Jason for five minutes and then disappears as he hands out two roses. THIS MAN HAS MY DREAM JOB!!!
Hare: “Sup Jay?”
Jason: “This is way tougher than I thought. I have no idea who to send home.”
Hare: “What about Jill?”
Jason: “She wants to be best friends. But I want more than to be friends.”
Hare: “I don’t think that’s what she meant dude. She wants to marry her best friend. That’s legitimate.”
Jason: “Quit confusing me Hare.”
Hare: “Understood. What about Mol?”
Jason: “She was not very emotional, but finally let her wall down. And that’s not all that came down that night if you know what I mean!”
Hare: “Well that was unnecessary. How about Mel?”
Jason: “She’s very bendy.”
Hare: “That’s not what I meant. Aren’t you upset about not meeting her parents? Ty’s future grandparents?”
Jason: “Hey…I already brought that up the allotted 25 times before and on the date. They told me I didn’t have to bring it up again.”
Hare: “I did not get that memo. Let’s move on. Each girl has left you a video message. We are kickin’ it old school style at the Bachelor. Just like back in the days of Alex. Holla!”
Jason: “Hare. You can’t pull off holla. Besides, that’s my shtick.”
Jason listens to the video messages and is reminded how each girl is totally different. They even call him by a unique name: Babe, J, and Hey You. Each girl professes her love. Jill promises home cooked meals. Molly promises Friday night buffets at the Club and Mel promises all you can drink beer at the next Dallas Cowboys game.
Jason: “I’ve fallen for all of them in different ways. I’m not here for a fling. Well…two of them yes…but one needs to stick around and help me raise Ty. A piece of me will be leaving with the girl who goes home today. [Do I cry now? Do you have a good angle? Ready? Here I go…]
A single tear falls down his right cheek.
Jason meets the girls out in the garden. Hare is hanging out in a hot bath nearby with the garage door up so he can hear the action. Jason calls Melissa’s name first. No surprise there. And then after a five minute pause, it is revealed that JILLIAN IS GOING HOME!
Jill remembers Stephanie’s graceful exit and decides to play it cool. She smiles, takes Jason’s hand and sits daintily on the rejection bench. Jason feels their lives are different and he doesn’t think he can keep up with her adventurous side.
Jill said that the only reason she was so adventurous is because she is single.
Lincee begins to get nervous for Jill.
Jason tells her that she is amazing. Jill assures Jason that they are not that different and that she is so in love with him. Jason stares blankly.
Lincee wonders why Jill is still talking.
Jill tells him about a dream she had that Ty tried on her shoes. Jason asked, “which pair” and Jill told him that it didn’t matter and to let her finish. They cuddled up on the couch and lived happily ever after.
Lincee begs Jill to stop talking now.
Jason walks Jill to the rejection limo and hugs her. A burst of emotion leaves Jill as she grabs his shoulder. Jason wonders if he made a mistake. He needs to sit down and have a good cry.
And there you have it. Mel and Mol. Who will go home with an instant family? Who will go home broken-hearted and more than likely the next Bachelorette?
Our Host Chris Harrison reveals that next week is the infamous Women Tell All issue. There’s even going to be a blooper reel and interviews with Bachelors and Bachelorettes from seasons passed. Cue footage of Ryan and Trista!
We also learn that the finale is going to be out of this world drama. In fact, there was a disclaimer that ran at the end of the show:
“What you are about to witness is so dramatic and emotionally difficult, we decided that out of respect to the parties involved, to keep the taping of tonight’s show as intimate as possible.”
Then they showed an outtake of Mol and Jason in the bathtub with weird farting noises in the background. I’m assuming that’s not what Hare was eluding to…
All about the shame, not the fame,