I can’t believe we are down to two girls. And what’s more exciting is that Matt will ask one of these women to marry him in the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history. FINALLY…the most romantic proposal EVER!

I wonder if Shayne is going to wear a fedora for the rose ceremony.

I wonder if Chelsea is going to wear panties.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Exotic Barbados
Matty is pretty stoked to be in Barbados. These few days are all about longer, more intimate dates in an overnight setting. He’s going to try and workout who he sees as a lifelong partner. Clearly, a prerequisite for this woman is the absence of panties. Or a bathing suit from the 1940s.

Bachelorette: Shayne
Date Theme: Let’s make out while doing other things and then make out again!
i-Tunes theme songs:
“Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer
“Kiss” by Prince
“This Kiss” by Faith Hill

Picture it: Matty is walking in the surf, convincing himself that the best thing to do is to just focus on Shayne and think of nothing else. Meanwhile, 50 yards away, the ABC intern receives the “signal” from the producer over the walkie talkie. Hair and makeup adjust Shayne’s big floppy hat, over-sized sunglasses and turn-of-the-century bathing suit (I’m guessing a spray tan session went awry in the mid-section region) and send her on her way. The pair meet in the middle under a shady palm tree and barely utter “hello” (in baby talk of course) before they begin making out. Matty struggles with the big floppy hat and attempts to remove the hindrance, but Shayne insists it stays on. She must have struck a deal with the big floppy hat people or something.

They hit the wave runners and make their way out to the coolest invention ever: a floating trampoline in the middle of the ocean. How awesome was that? Shayne begins jumping, busting out with rather impressive toe touches (nice pointed toes I might add) as the Bachelor watches from the side. Nothing like bouncing in a bathing suit to get you in the mood.

They go back to shallower waters and make out some more. Matty comments on the foliage of the island.

Matty: “Aren’t the trees here interesting.”
Shayne: “Those are palm trees. They have them in LA.”

Matty: “Brilliant.”
Shayne: “Do they have palm trees in London?”
Matty: “I think you know the answer to that question.”

Okay. Let’s pause for just a moment. What the crap? Shayne is pulling the old dumb blonde shtick? Please! At least be funny about it. Deliver your line with a voice infliction and body language so that he knows you are not a door knob.

Of course, we catch Bachelor in his talking head admitting to the camera that he wants to know the serious Shayne…not the blonde dingy Shayne. He wants to know if she can hold a conversation without being distracted by the lack of polish on her fingernails or urge to jump his British bones.

Matty decides to test the waters during dinner. He mentions to Shayne that he had an interesting conversation with her mother. He retold the story of Mama Lama’s lament on how hard it is to be in a relationship with an actor.

Shayne interrupts with a sour face and pouting mouth:

Shayne: “Do you know how screen kisses work? It’s the LEAST romantic thing in the world. I should know. I’ve kissed three different guys when I was on General Hospital that one summer. It’s so not a big deal. You NEVER use tongue.”
Matty: “Show me then.”

Shayne: “Fine. Let’s say you are Brad Pitt. A production guy would come and move your head here and fix the light there and tell you to only move your bottom lip. When he gets you in place, I would come in and kiss you like this.”

Shayne moves in for her first fake on-screen kiss.

Shayne: “Eeeek! You used tongue!”
Matty, the sly fox: “What?”
Lincee: That just wasted ten seconds of my life.

Matt takes it back to serious mode.

Matty: “I like your fun side—the sex kitten blonde—but there are times when you are playing me up.”
Shayne: “I’m always me though. Whoever they stereotype me as, that’s them.”
Lincee: Crystal clear.

Matty: “What if I wanted to discuss the US election?”
Shayne: “As long as politics go…I’m smart in that. I’m intellectual. Is that a word? I know stuff. It keeps it spicy.”
Lincee: I prefer the original recipe myself.

Shayne: “Do you look at me like you could see us together?”
Matty: “When I look in your eyes, I can see someone I could easily be with. You are my little monkey.”

Shayne: “Honestly, (tear develops after squirting lemon in her eye) I’m falling in love with you.”
Matt: “I’m falling for you as well.”
Lincee: “That whole presidential election thing is overrated. Go for the tongue dude.”

Matty pulls out the now infamous “forgo card” that Our Host Chris Harrison personally gave him on official “forgo card” stationery. Shayne uses her annoying baby voice to read it aloud, stating the fact that they can each forgo their individual rooms to stay together as a couple in the fantasy suite.

There’s a long pause.

Matty, feeling uncomfortable and wanting to fill the silence says that it is entirely up to Shayne.

More pausing.

Shayne, feeling the power, hems and haws a few more minutes. ABC has chosen no background noise. Nice touch director.

Additional pauses.

Lincee receives a text message from Nancy Jane saying that all girls on this show are sluts.

Shayne answers, with the voice of a white fluffy bunny if they had voices, “YES!” and proceeds to laugh her butt off that she made Matt wait so long for the obvious answer.

We are treated to Shayne’s excited “noises” as she points out the ABC intern’s decorations. She’s befriended him, you see, because he fetches her things between takes. She’s giving him a subliminal shout out if you will.

“Look! Rose petals! Oh Matt! There are candles everywhere! Gosh! A chilled bottle of champagne! My fedora! A plethora of string bikinis from which to choose to seduce you with my dear!”

Cut to Matty and Shayne discussing how oil companies continue to benefit from soaring crude prices. Or they were having a tickle war in-between sticking their tongues down each other’s throats. I can’t remember.

Bachelorette: Meeps
Date Theme: Let’s zip through the trees and pretend to feel a connection.
i-Tunes theme songs:
“Friends are Friends Forever” by Michael W. Smith
“Just a Friend” by Biz Markie
“You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman

Matty tells the camera that Meeps has a lot to offer, a great prankster with a fun sense of humor. Meeps tells the camera that she can’t stop thinking about Matt and he’s everything she’s been waiting for in a man.

Uh oh.

In order to really take the time to see if they are compatible, ABC…I mean Matt…arranges for them to go on a zip line through Barbados. Both are afraid of heights.

Nothing says love like head banging dorky, white helmets, anxious shouts of “whoo hoo” through the trees and picking wedgies out of your shorty shorts that have twisted up in your zip line crotch gear. Although Matt DID say she looked good, called her honey several times and said that conquering their fear of heights together was kind of sexy.

Maybe Meeps isn’t in trouble after all!

She like wants to like open up like to Matt like tonight. She like knows that like this date will like make or break her and like she like must show like expression and like emotion. She like doesn’t like want to lose Matt because she’s like not opening up.

She divulges this to Matt on the beach as they eat their dinner. Even though Meeps says “like” 79 times, Matt hands her the “forgo card” to read aloud.

Meeps tells us that he is the guy she could be with forever.

“I don’t want to like NOT see you in my life. I love being with you…I really, really do.”

Matty: “That’s the Amanda I know and am falling for.”

He tells her she is genuine, true, warm and caring.

SIDE NOTE:
Did anyone else give the producers kudos this year for picking different suites for each of the girls? Anyone?

We see Meeps and Matty on the bed, as if to signify that there will be some horizontal action on that mattress later on. He says that he enjoys being with her and that he thinks they make a good couple. He gives her a little caress on the knee cap and they start making out. Very smacky kissers these two.

Cut to crashing waves going in and out. And innuendo maybe?

SIDE NOTE TWO”
I personally do not think that any of the girls have sex on these dates. I feel ABC does everything for one to ASSUME they have sex, but they actually do not.

Bachelorette: Chelsea
Date Theme: I don’t like public displays of affection, but you can boink me.
i-Tunes theme songs:
“I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd
“Giving Him Something He Can Feel” by En Vogue
Anything from Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex LoveSounds album.

Matty rents a catamaran for just the two of them and quickly tells the camera that he is just not into Chelsea.

Matty: “Maybe it was the roller coaster ride of a hometown date or the jorts she was wearing when she arrived. I don’t know. But the point is that I just feel awkward. I feel that there is chemistry, but it comes and goes because she’s so hot and cold. When she’s hot…let me tell you…she’s HOT. But half the time, she’s a million miles away. There are so many mixed signals. WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WOMAN?”

He tries again to have a conversation with her and it turns into geographical discussion of Barbados and lots of silence. Then he takes her hand, intertwines their fingers and begins a conversation about how distance she seems, when she freaks out that he’s touching her. STOP TOUCHING HER!

They swim with the sea turtles and we are treated to several lovely crotch shots of Chelsea. You know how ABC loves their underwater camera! Unfortunately, Chelsea would rather stay as far away from Matt as possible.

Matt: “It’s the most romantic setting in the world and it’s wasted. The turtle was closer to me than Chelsea. I had better eye contact underwater with goggles and a mask than I did with Chelsea. I was gutted.” (He really said that. Gutted. Let’s bring it to the States people.)

After admitting that it was the worst date ever and contemplating if he should even invite Chels to the forgo suite, Matty decides to give her another shot at turning the corner to find romance.

They arrive at dinner, token compliments and Matt dives in.

“I’m frustrated and confused. There’s only so much I can do.”

Chelsea: “I’m passionate and intense, but I am disturbed that there are other girls here. I know I’m distant and I don’t want to be that way. My feelings have evolved where I wonder how I’m going to handle if I get hurt. I care for you more than I expected. That’s not what I’m used. If I am that way with you then I’ll lose you. I think we can be great together and I hope I can show you that.”

Matty: “I am so pleased to hear that.”

Huh. Really Matt? Wasn’t it just five seconds ago that you were not wanting to invite this woman to dinner? You were complaining that things were awkward? She gives a two second spiel that sounds like the other two speeches we heard tonight and you are an evolved man? A little insecure maybe?

He whips out the forgo card and Chelsea tells him that she wouldn’t have it any other way. She wants to be with Matt. She’s not going to give up and pass him by because of a bunch of silly girls.

Matty confesses to Chelsea that he goes out of his way with her…more so than others…and that they would make such a great couple. He finishes by saying that he’s almost said too much.

Apparently that’s music to Chelsea’s ears. She’s received the confirmation that she needs and excuses herself to the other room to prepare a surprise for Matty.

The ABC camera man follows Chelsea into the fantasy bedroom and films her from behind as she peels away her fantasy dress. No bra. I’m sure we had to “re-take” a few times to make sure there were no boob shots since this is prime time TV. After take 5, she reaches into her purse and pulls out a long skinny black number. At first, we are unsure what the garment is. A dress? A robe?

No, no. It’s lingerie.

She wiggles herself into it…still with her back to the ROLLING CAMERA…and shimmies it up her body. How many ABC crew members do you think were across the way looking through the window? I’m just saying. My favorite part is when she reaches under the Fredrick’s of Hollywood number and pulls her panties off…leaving them in a puddle on the floor beside the fantasy bed.

SIDE NOTE THREE:
I personally do not think that any of the girls (except for Chelsea) have sex on these dates. I feel ABC does everything for one to ASSUME they have sex, but they actually do not (except for Chelsea).

Chelsea makes her grand entrance into the sitting room where Matt is clearly dumbfounded, mentally thinking that it WAS a smart idea to slip the ABC intern a $20 to go buy some glow-in-the-dark condoms. SCORE! The ABC camera man performs his best charade and signals to Matty that home girl here is sans panties and bra underneath the sheath. Matty gives the camera man a knowing wink and thumbs up. Lincee was gutted.

Matty: “When Chelsea told me she wanted to show me her romantic side, my heart sort of dropped. When she came out in the black night dress I was mesmerized. Everything I ‘needed’ she did. I had the most amazing time with her and can’t wait to see her again.”

Rose Ceremony
Matty tells the trio that it hurts like hell inside to lose this person who is about to go home. He then gives one rose to Shayne, who fakes that she can’t talk and then asks Chelsea and her French braid to accept the final rose.

Poor Meeps is in shock.

“Like, I’m shocked right now, like shocked.”
Matty: “Everything I said to you, I’ve felt. You are warm, genuine, everything I was looking for…but I had a closer connection with the other two.”

Meeps (scratching and fidgeting): “I didn’t like put myself out there because I like didn’t want this to happen. I really like thought, like that you like had like true feelings.”
Matty: “Everything I’ve said has been 100 percent true.”
Lincee: MAY DAY MAY DAY MAY DAY

Meeps: “That doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe you. You are a complete douche bag for doing this.”

Hey…at least she didn’t say the “f” word!

Meeps, I believe, yawns to either show indifference or attempt to control her meeping. There was no clinging, no touching, no fake well wishes.

But there were a few tears. Dignified I feel.

Matty: “Shutting the limo was hard, but the best I can do is completely open up to these two women. I want to be able to give everything. And I hope to receive as well.”

Next week is the “Women Tell All” episode. Do you think they’ll bring a mattress for backstage in case that chick passes out again?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee