Who feels robbed?

Well…besides Jenni Couric and DDAHnna, but that’s a given.

I feel robbed because my viewing pleasure was RUINED last night by my own ignorance. Hate it when that happens.

I volunteer on Monday nights and always rush home afterwards to watch Dancing with the Stars, the Bachelor and Chuck (in that order) from about 9:00 to 11:00. That’s right. Three one-hour shows in two hours. This is why you must have a TiVo or DVR people. It’s a time SAVER…not a time waster.

So club ran a little late last night. I got home around 9:45. Called my sister to see what her reaction was to the final rose. She too, being a smart person, was watching a digital recording of the show and was telling me how bored she was. We were visiting about my upcoming Thanksgiving trip to New York City and how ticked off I am that Broadway is black this week when it happened.

Like an idiot, I started flipping through the TV channels absent-mindedly. And there was DDAHnna crying in a limo. OH I was so mad. I enjoy the suspense. I like being surprised. And I had just ruined it for myself.

I hang up on Jamie laughing her butt off at me, search for my laptop to take notes when my phone rings again. It’s my pregnant friend Karen who has been on bed rest for about 88 months.

Lincee: “Are you in labor? Has the baby come?”
Karen (sounding weepy): “No. I just want to know what you thought.”

Lincee: “I haven’t watched it yet. Are you crying?”
Karen: “Just a little.”

Lincee: “Is it that dramatic? Or are these your crazy hormones talking?”
Karen: “Well, I’ve been feeling some pressure this evening. We’ve been contemplating if I should go to the hospital, but I wanted to watch the last 10 minutes of the show. Call me when you are done.”

That’s a true fan ladies and gentlemen. FYI: Karen did not have her baby. The pressure went away. She is a crazy prego woman, but you’ll be happy to know that she and Ryan have decided to name the baby Chad Brad. Or Christopher Harris.

So now I’ve punched play and have just been told by our host Chris Harrison that this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history when the phone rings AGAIN. It’s Jamie.

I punch pause. Again.

Jam: “Are you watching this?”
Lincee: “Trying to.”
Jam: “Call me when you are done.”

Interesting…I’ve received two “call me when you are done” so something exciting must happen. SWEETNESS!

Then little boxes start popping up on my computer.

YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE
YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE
INBOX GMAIL MESSAGE
INBOX GMAIL MESSAGE
YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE

Needless to say, I had pumped myself up for some serious drama. Our host Chris Harrison wouldn’t lie to me!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Meeting the Womacks

We see Brad drinking coffee from his beach house balcony looking mighty sad. He is confused. Poor thing is head over heels for two women and doesn’t know what to do.

Luckily, wonder twin Chad, other brother Wes and Mamma Pam are to the rescue! They will help Brad choose the love of his life!

Brad: “You guys are really going to love DDAHnna. She’s strong and independent.”
Mamma Pam: “Where’s she from?”

Brad: “She’s from Atlanta.”
Mamma Pam: “HOT DOG! A Southern girl. Does she eat grits?”

Before Brad can answer that important question, the doorbell rings. Brad jumps up and runs to let one of the loves of his life in to meet the family.

Brad: “Guys…this is DeAHnna…not DeANNa. She’ll get mad at you if you mess it up. And I’m not playing. She’s a bit sensitive to her name.”
Mamma Pam: “Well, I can’t get all that straight. I’m going to jump right in and call you DD. Or Sweetheart. How about Sugar Plum?”

Wonder Twin: “Hi. I’m Brad. SYKE!”
Other brother: Rolls eyes and gives thanks that he got the brains of the family.

The group heads to the balcony to have drinks. Mamma Pam is excited to see that Brad is really into Sugar Plum. Brad tells the brothers that DDAHnna tended bars for eight years and that if she is chosen, they will not only gain a sister-in-law, but an employee. Everyone laughs. Wonder Twin and Other Brother run off to find a football. Mamma Pam talks about how one cup of sugar should be added to all baking ingredients. And DDAHnna allows herself to think about her wedding for exactly 10 seconds as Brad affectionately brushes her hair behind her ear.

Mamma Pam and Sugar Plum have some alone time. They talk about how she’s in love, wants a big family and how she is hoping for a proposal. Mamma Pam is SOLD and is eager to get back to her boys to spread the good news!

Unfortunately, boys will be boys and that moment never arrives. Wonder Twin and Other Brother shove Brad in the pool and then jump in after him.

This makes me love the Womacks even more! And DDAHnna agrees with me. She said it was good to see him not so serious.

A dripping wet, hotter than crap Brad walks DDAHnna to her waiting SUV. He feels bad that he can’t hug her and give her a proper goodbye. Lincee thinks DDAHnna is an idiot for not grabbing him in a long embrace and making out right there, but those are my issues I have to deal with. He says he will miss her. She says she loved his family. She confesses to the camera that she feels like she could be his wife and that it’s scary that he may not choose her.

Back in the Bachelor pad, we see Brad and Chad in clean, dry clothes. Poor Other Brother has a little more girth than the twins and was not able to raid Brad’s closet. An irritated ABC intern is sent to the local Gap to purchase some clothes. We can’t have Other Brother walking around in a shorty robe, now can we?

Meanwhile, Jenni Couric bounds through the living room giving three cheers for the Womacks! Brad tells the camera that he is always on cloud nine when it comes to Jenni and as a result, hugged her forever. And then fixed her hair.

Does someone have a fetish? I think so!

The group goes out to the balcony to have some lunch. Mamma Pam asks Jenni if she has told Brad that she loves him. AWKWARD! Jenni says that she has not. Mamma Pam cocks her eyebrow at Jenni and requests some alone time so she can talk some sense into her.

Mamma Pam: “You know that old saying about how you are not marrying my family…you are marrying me? Well that’s not true in Brad’s case. You are marrying all of us and if I don’t pick a nickname for you in the first 10 minutes of meeting, you are on a very bad list young lady. Now let me ask you again…if Brad got down on one knee and asked you to marry him, what would you say?”
Jenni: “Yes! I love you! Let’s go right now!”

Mamma Pam: “That’s my Honey Bun. Let’s get back to the boys before they do something silly on national TV. I saw some irons in the shape of roses in the BBQ pit. I think Wonder Twin and Other Brother may try to brand my baby before you leave today. C’mon.”

Jenni: “Tossing the pigskin with the boys was so fun. I love being with Brad’s family. It makes everything so perfect. I’m ready to be a part of their family. Jennifer Dawn Womack. That sounds good, huh?”

Meanwhile, Brad needs some clarity. And where do you go to find clarity? Your Mamma.

Mamma Pam: “Are you in love?”
Brad: “I feel like I’m going to break two hearts…mine and the woman I don’t choose.”

Mamma Pam: “It was easier for me to talk to Sugar Plum. You’ve made this a difficult decision for all of us. Go get some straws and we’ll pick. Shortest goes home.”
Brad: “Thanks for nothing Mom.”

Alone Time with DDAHnna/Sugar Plum

DDAHnna sees herself marrying Brad, living happily ever after and cooking lasagna for him every night.

Brad: “It smells good in here!”
DDAH: “I baked!”
Lincee: Where the crap are they?

Brad: “This lasagna is good. So good.”
DDAH: “I’ll be crushed if you don’t pick me.”
Lincee: Seriously. Is this some random apartment complex that ABC has taken over for the day?

Brad: “I have very strong feelings. You are everything I’ve always looked for in a woman. You will be an incredible wife and better mother.”
DDAH: “It’s reassuring to know that you are thinking ahead.”
Lincee: I’m convinced this is the “option A” model floor plan.

Brad: “So are you going to yell at me when I leave the toilet seat up?”
DDAH: “I’ll let it slide one or twice. Then we have to talk. Same with the dishes and laundry. We have to do it my way.”
Lincee: Does anyone decorate with hunter green, maroon and navy blue anymore? And why are they talking about toilets?

Brad: “I want to be honest with you.”
DDAH: “I want to be happy. I want this for the rest of my life. That’s what scares me. I am falling in love with you and see myself marrying you. If you do not choose me, you choose the wrong person.”
Lincee: SNAP!

Alone Time with Jenni Couric

Brad: “Tonight, I have to put DDAHnna out of my mind and focus on Jenni.”
JC: “Today, I’ve been a huge mess. It’s the last time I get to see him before he makes huge decision.”
Lincee: Then why are you serving him peas?

JC: “When it comes to me, you have nothing to be scared about.” (Followed by a flood of tears and a bunch of apologizing and saying, “I’m sorry!”)
Brad: “Look…scoot next to me…don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
Lincee: You don’t get many “scoot next to me” in this day and age. Again. Why I heart Brad.

Then there was a bunch of boring talk about feelings and being scared and chopsticks and being real with each other and more apologizing and a bit of ugly crying to round out the night.

Finally.

And then she brings out a journal that she wrote for him. Here we go again…

Bunch apprehension that he’ll think she’s goofy, talk about how she loves everything about him and wants Brad in her life, etc.

Then she takes a deep breath and tells him she is falling in love.

That turns into another long soliloquy of Jenni Couric literally pouring her heart out to Brad through tears, gasps, gulps, snot and sweat. It was a beautiful thing.

Brad then goes to pick out an engagement ring. The best part about this two minute segment was the 15 seconds we saw of him getting dressed.

Final Rose

Brad tells the camera that he knows what he’s going to do and is confident in the decision he has made. It’s all about following his heart. It’s the most difficult thing he has ever done.

Limo pulls up. Our host Chris Harrison opens the door and extends his hand to Jenni.

Brad: “How are you?”
JC: “Good, you?”
Brad: “Good.”

I figure she probably knows at this point.

Brad: “I’m standing here looking at somebody that brings out a different side of me. And I hate to say this, but I want something more that I can’t find with us. Never thought I’d tell you goodbye…but here I am…and it breaks my heart. Please look at me. I want you to know how much I care and how much this hurts me. If you have anything to say, please say it.”
JC: “I can’t. I feel embarrassed for telling you how I felt.”

Brad: “There is nothing embarrassing about a person telling someone how they feel. It’s only on ABC which happens to be on national TV. But most people are probably watching Monday Night Football right now. So don’t worry. No one will remember this by the time you dance for the Phoenix Suns. A new Bachelor will be on in the spring to waste everyone’s time. Come here to me and give me a hug.”

Brad puts Jenni in the car and watches her drive away. He tells the camera that there is not a single thing he’s looking for in his ideal wife that DDAHnna does not possess. He then says, “It makes me more nervous for what I’m about to do.”

In true ABC trickeration, the sound guy plays romantic piano music when our host Chris Harrison leads DDAHnna to the guillotine.

Brad: “You look beautiful.”
DD: Looking scared.

Brad: “I told someone I was done when I saw you for the first time.”
DD: Looking hopeful.

Brad: “Remember when you said marriage is one time and one time only…I feel exact same way.”
DD: Smile spreading across her face in excitement.

Brad: “I just said goodbye to Jenni…”
DD: Wave of relief on her face!

Why Brad? Why in the WORLD did you start your breakup sentence with, “I just said goodbye to Jenni.”

Bless DD’s heart.

Then he starts fiddling with the tie. Pulling at the collar. She’s amused for a split second thinking it’s endearing because he is nervous to propose. She then realizes that this is what he does when he’s disappointed someone. She was there for the Hillary debacle. Remember? THE MOST DRAMATIC EXIT IN BACHELOR HISTORY! He leaves the proposal pedestal (sponsored by Home Depot) and starts pacing the enchanted garden. Poor DD has a deer in the headlights look. She knows this can’t be good. He returns to his spot, marked clearly by the ABC intern with a piece of blue electrical tape and begins his speech:

“I look at you and see so many things that I never thought I would have in my entire life. I have so many feelings for you and I want so badly to be confident to pick you up and twirl you around and give you a diamond ring. But I can’t look you in your eye and tell you I love you. Can’t give you a promise that I can’t keep. I refuse to do that. I have to tell you goodbye.”

I would have given $1,000 to see DD hop off the Home Depot pedestal and start pacing before she responded. That would have been classic.

Instead, she asks very smart questions:

DD: “How you can say goodbye? I guess my feelings are different. Am I a friend?”
Brad: “No…not at all. Love means so much to me. I refuse to give you false promises.”

DD: “That doesn’t sound right. If you care about someone, how can you watch them walk away?”
Brad: “I never meant to hurt you.”
DD: “Well I’m hurting.”

Brad: “Do you know how much I care about you?”
DD: “No I don’t. I thought I did. Until just now. (Hold it together DD.) I thought I had it all figured out. This is why I never wear my heart on my sleeve.”
Brad (teary eyed): “Don’t say that to me. Come here to me.”

Poor DD turns her head away from the camera and sobs in Brad’s shoulder. Little did she know that there was a secret bush camera and we saw the whole thing. But she held herself high with as much dignity as any of us would have in that situation I think.

DD: “So what happens when you regret your decision?”
Lincee: Saucy!
Brad: “I have to walk you out right now.”

Brutal Brad. Was the rent up on the bachelor pad or something? Did you have to pack up and head back to Austin because the bar business is doing so well with your new found fame? Or is it that you can’t handle the pressure of a broken heart? Need to go sit on the Home Depot pedestal and stare at the engagement ring for a good 30 seconds while the crane camera pulls away for a wide shot? Yeah…that’s what I would do too.

And don’t your hearts go out to Jenni and DD? Bless their hearts. DD’s poor lonely walk down the hallway to her hotel room. Just tragic.

I say Brad is an okay guy. My theory is that he was approached in his bar to be the next Bachelor. Having probably never heard of the show, he did some research and learned that it NEVER works out. He called a meeting of the minds with his partners Wonder Twin and Other Brother. They ran some numbers and thought it would be good for business to partake of this little reality show. Worse case scenario, he makes ABC write into his contract that he doesn’t have to pretend propose or pretend date the girl. Best case scenario, he finds someone that he is legitimately interested in.

Does he have commitment issues? That wouldn’t surprise me if it were true. Is he a heart breaker? I don’t think on purpose. I think he went in to the show with a view of fun and 15 minutes of fame for his business. I think he came out feeling like a door knob and probably regretting he agreed to do it in the first place.

I guess we will find out more tonight during AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee