Bachelor Finale Recap: Sorry Arie
It was absolutely controversial. It was completely scandalous. It was the first uncut, unedited clip that will go down in reality show television HISTORY!
Well, sort of.
Our Host Chris Harrison did a phenomenal job preparing us for what he called the most dramatic final rose ceremony. We knew he was serious because his facial expressions exhibited sorrow and agony at the emotional turmoil we would all face in the final minutes of the three hour show.
The other 177 minutes are another story entirely. You see, Arie is torn. He’s conflicted. On one hand, he has a blonde bombshell of a girl who drinks champagne and journals in the morning wearing her best black leather jacket. On the other hand, he has a tall brunette who is goofy and watches rainbows. How is he supposed to choose?
Great question. He technically doesn’t choose for the majority of the show. When he does choose, it lasts all of 48 hours. Then the worst break-up ever filmed on live television unfolds before our eyes. I’ve never been so beaten down by yelling, “JUST LEAVE ALREADY” so many times in a row.
But before we get to the infamous Peruvian dumping, let’s beta cap Lauren and Becca meeting the parents.
Lauren gifting. Flower sniffing. Sweater slouching. Nervous hair stroking. Anxious admitting. Insecurity feeling. Nervous lip licking. Question asking. Answer avoiding. In her head getting. Arie fawning. Mama nodding. Dutch speaking. Dad interrogating. Lauren fidgeting. Honest answering. Broken engagement confessing. Fear disclosing. “Will Arie pick me?” questioning. Bachelor reassuring. Always reassuring. Will that be annoying? Sibling confessing. Affirmative answering. Lauren crying. Mama consoling. Fear of losing. Mama hugging. Lauren relaxing. Family hugging. Arie kissing. Chemistry percolating. Family cheering. Monogram preparing. Seal approving. Family convincing. Lauren winning.
Family meeting. Becca gifting. First date reminiscing. Mama not buying. Brown hair discriminating. Storytelling. “I love you” professing. Brother smiling. Sister not buying. Dad busting. Lauren PRAISING. Becca’s mouth dropping. Becca adapting. Becca championing. Arie communicating. Clarity missing. Mama busting. Lauren PRAISING. Becca’s mouth dropping. Becca adapting. Becca championing. Sister busing. Lauren PRAISING. Becca sniffing. Nose dripping. Family frustrating. Becca breathing. Silver lining. Arie loving. Becca accepting. Becca interviewing. Apple and starfish comparing. Family choosing. Lauren ousting. Becca winning.
Arie tells the camera that even though his family constantly reminded Becca that she wasn’t Lauren, they were kind enough to make this life-altering decision for him. Becca will be the winner. He loves her. It’s fine. Who cares that he loves Lauren, too? He will go against his heart and choose the woman with non-yellow hair, by golly!
Back in the studio audience, Harrison invites Caroline on the stage to sit in the hot seat so he can cross-examine her on the ominous remark she made at the Women Tell All taping. As you may recall, Caroline told Arie that what he did was UNFORGIVABLE.
What did he do? What did she mean? Are we going to get answers to this cryptic message?
Of course we will. In exactly 120 minutes. Buckle up, people. We have the final Peruvian dates and couch talks left to go.
LAUREN’S LAST DATE
Arie is so very sad that he has to go to Machu Picchu with Lauren the Loser. Unfortunately, the blonde is super pumped to make out, even in the challenging altitude, because her relationship with Arie is in a good place. The fam totally loves her. She celebrates by wearing a belly shirt, jean jacket, and Lululemon leggings.
Arie is the worst at keeping his emotions in check. The guilt is written all over his face. He tries to make small talk about how their time went by so fast, to which I enthusiastically say, duh. It’s been three weeks, dude. That is fast.
Lauren is more relaxed thanks to the Xanax the ABC Psychologist slipped into her morning mimosa. When the train drives through a tunnel, his pheromones take over and the pair mug down as if this is the tunnel of love. Arie’s face is a bit more joyful once they make it to The Picchu. Lauren has calmed down a bit. I imagine it’s because her curls are no longer intact due to the humidity.
Arie tells Lauren that he likes when she acts comfortable around him. In fact, he pulls a reverse Arie and pushes his own body against one of The Picchu walls, pulling her toward him as he leans on the vertical surface.
That night, Lauren professes her love in a monolog. She uses the word “amazing” as many times as Arie utters, “I love you.” That number is forty-seven. In two different languages. They picture their future together (lots of dog walking and coffee drinking) and she promises to pop out a few kids by the time she’s thirty. Then she starts crying because she can’t even with all the feels. Her walls are down and it’s all his doing. Lauren ties the moment up in a nice, neat little bow with this gem: “I don’t think Arie wold have let me tell him all that if he was picking Becca.”
We’re back in the studio and Our Host pulls Baby Beks and Seinne up to the hot seat. Seinne suffers from the nodes and can’t really speak. Beks can barely sit up straight on the couch. (#token) She also believes that you can fall in love with two people, but if Arie was struggling this much, she hopes he doesn’t propose to someone at the end of this amazing journey.
Hey everyone! Wave at the foreshadowing!
BECCA’S LAST DATE
Poor Becs doesn’t even get to see Machu Picchu while in Peru. Talk about picking the short stick. She has to go shopping in the market, willing her boyfriend to purchase a garment of clothing that isn’t blue. Petting the baby alpaca for twenty minutes seemed fun and feeding llamas is great, but Arie’s oblivious response to Becca’s “Thunder Rolls” comment as lighting strikes ominously in the background would have been deal breaker for me.
All hail Garth Brooks.
Don’t get me started on how they ignore their grande size Peruvian smoothies.
That night, Arie admits to Becca’s face that he is conflicted. But he thinks she’s great. He’s also confident that he loves her and doesn’t doubt her.
Apples and starfish, people. Apples and starfish.
Becca gives Arie a scrapbook with a lovely poem and an empty page for “our fist baby” pictures. He rewards her with a make out sesh against a wall — normal style.
Back at the studio, Our Host Chris Harrison interviews (five seconds each) Ben Higgins who told every girl during his season that he loved her and Jason Mesnick who chose Melissa Rycroft before declaring “just kidding” and picking his current wife Molly instead. There are several things going on here:
- Ben is still so cute in my opinion.
- Jason’s beard is the opposite of on point.
- I’m pretty sure Jason was dipping.
- Isn’t this a little on the those ABC? Doesn’t inviting The Mez to weigh in give it away?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY DAY
Uncle Neil shows up with some lovely diamonds. Arie chooses one for “the lucky lady.” He’s not being mysterious, dear reader. Arie has no idea who he is choosing at this point in the game. It’s T-minus three hours before the big showdown. The ABC Intern is sweating bullets trying to arrange the dumping order logistics with the rejection SUV driver. Oh the humanity!
Becca slithers into a long, black, tight lace number with hair swept to the side. Lauren shimmies into a long, crystal fringe whitish/silverish evening gown, fighting back tears the entire time. Both girls wax on about the wonder that is Arie.
Our Bachelor is quick to clock exactly thirty seconds of Breitling watch TV time as he preps for the biggest day of his life. Ten bucks says the Breitling PR person is re-thinking that decision to sponsor this particular rose ceremony. CRISIS MANAGEMENT DEPARTMENT, LINE ONE!!!
Arie heads outside in his blueberry suit to stand in front of the chocolate river. The ABC Intern lines a thousand throw rugs from the local market to make a mile-long path from the black SUV to the official proposal area. All eyes are glued to the bottom hem of the dress as two feet exit the future rejection transportation.
The feet belong to Lauren.
Harrison can take her as far as the edge of the carpet path. She begins the journey to the love of her life. Although he looks like he’s going to hurl, I can’t help but thinking the suit is definitely something Violet Beauregarde would be proud to wear.
The chocolate river rushes. Arie sweats. Lauren summons the courage to speak and launches into a soliloquy that lasts a lifetime. As she ticks off a detailed chronology of their love story, I went back and added up all the times she spoke in the previous seven episodes. This moment surpasses all the others added up together.
The communication floodgates have officially been broken! And just in time, too, because Arie needs to inform Lauren somewhat gently that he can’t explain why he’s not choosing her, because he totally didn’t know what he was going to do that morning. He doesn’t know what to say, other than he did fall in love with her. That was totally true. And he loves her yellow hair but is picking the brown hair girl because his mama told him to. Can we be friends?
Lauren asks a very good question: “How can you get down on one knee when you weren’t sure three hours ago who you were going to pick?” He mumbles something about not knowing and then places her in the back seat of the rejection SUV. Lauren cries, commenting that Arie made a mistake. He’s choosing the easy route.
Look kids! It’s foreshadowing again!
Arie collects his thoughts and runs through the lines the producers suggested he say when he pops the question, while Harrison makes sure Becca doesn’t fall down the side of the proposal hill. When she finally arrives, a wisp of her hair distracts me from hearing Arie’s stellar “will you be mine?” spiel.
Becca says yes and we all watch in horror as the bud falls from her final rose. IT’S A SIGN.
Harrison primes Bachelor Nation for what is about to happen. For the next forty minutes, we will be witness to the first unedited, uncut scenes in reality TV show history, complete with split frames boasting two different camera angles.
But first, Arie gives us some back story.
Things were great after Arie dropped to one knee and promised to love and cherish Becca. They talked about Becs moving to Arizona and how they couldn’t wait to go public. Sadly, Arie’s version of “going public” does not involve Becca. He admits that when he went to bed each night, he thought of Lauren. And when he woke up, he thought of Lauren.
Arie is quick to tell us that Becca knew his mind was with the runner-up. Both chalk it up to regular old heartbreak and how those feelings take time to go away. When they didn’t subside, Arie admits that he was overwhelmed with guilt. He simply didn’t feel that it was fair for Becca to be in a relationship with someone who was only half in.
This is when all the “follow my heart” language starts bubbling up. Arie admits that he made a mistake and his desire is to call off the engagement with Becca, even though he never uses this phrasing with her. Harrison warns Arie that this will not be a popular decision and Bachelor Nation will revolt.
Arie’s cool with that. He’s doing it all for love.
The next scene depicts Becca happy as a lark in Los Angeles waiting for her man. She’s super excited until she spies her fiancé looking a little worse for the wear. That fact coupled with the entourage of cameras and tech people gives Becca pause. Her Spidey senses are tingling big time.
Arie comments on Becca’s new bumble bee/wasp tattoo before wasting no time ripping the Band-Aid — one teeny tiny bit at a time. Arie takes the next thirty-four minutes and two commercial breaks to emotionally rip Becca to shreds.
He starts by reminding Becca that she knows he still “thinks” about Lauren. As Becca tries to figure out what’s going on, Arie tells her that he doesn’t want to “lose the possibility of reconciling with Lauren.” Thinking she’s having a small stroke, Becca asks point blank, “So what? Do you want to be back with her?”
Unable to man up, Arie answers, “I want to see if that’s a possibility.”
While Becca stares at him in disbelief, he sucker punches her with: “I know this is a shock to you, but you always said to follow my heart. I was honest with you with how conflicted I was. I tried to deal with these emotions, but when I spoke to her, all the feelings were still there.”
Prediction: If Arie spoke to Lauren and she didn’t tell him exactly where he could shove it, she’s completely interested in pursuing a relationship with him. There’s no way he would go through all this trouble if Lauren didn’t give him some sort of confirmation that it would be worth it.
Arie concludes by saying that he doesn’t want to be in halfway with Becca. Becca manages a wise comeback by asking, “Won’t you be in halfway with her?”
No answer. The writing is on the wall. Becca gets it. He’s not trying to see if it can work out with Lauren. He wants it to work out with Lauren. Becca is officially out of the equation without Arie ever having to use the phrase “break up” or “end our engagement.”
Becca sits in silence for a while, undoubtedly formulating an exit strategy. She slips off the engagement ring, hands it to Arie, and berates him for dropping to one knee in Peru — especially if he was so conflicted.
Her mind is racing. The shock and disappointment of her new reality slowly sets in and the last thing she needs right now is Arie telling her that he put a lot of thought into this decision. She calls it, walks into the other room, and starts packing her bags. Arie invites her to stay, assuring her that HE is going to leave, and then he follows her around the apartment as she desperately looks for a place to hide from the cameras.
Arie has a lot to say. Becca isn’t having it. She asks him to leave, so he does, before coming right back in the door. FOOL! JUST LEAVE, DUDE!
Arie tries to have another conversation with Becca as she fights valiantly not to cry in front of him. There’s nothing to say. Literally. All we hear is the demure sniffles from Becca’s direction and the annoying water feature that the ABC Intern forgot to unplug. You may also have heard me shouting, “GET OUT! LEAVE! SELFISH CHACH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!”
Becca ends up on the couch practicing some deep breathing exercises as Arie looks on. She asks him to leave once. Then twice. Then three times. He doesn’t budge.
This is the moment when Arie lost all respect. Even if the producers told him to stay until he received a signal, he should have bowed out for the sake of humanity and respect for the woman sitting beside him.
Arie is clearly looking for validation. He needs to know from the one person in the world who has the right to hate him, that following his heart is the honest thing to do. He wants Becca to give him permission to be happy and wish him well. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever witnessed and I’m sad that this terrible ordeal has lasted the length of two Friends episodes.
The jack wagon finally leaves, Becca melts down, I stand up and applaud, and the scene fades into the studio audience where a dark-haired Becca sits in a white dress with Our Host Chris Harrison. She has one word for what she just watched: BRUTAL.
With a quick air kiss to her home girl Caroline, who sits with Tia, Seinne, Baby Beks, and Kendall, Harrison promises that we will get all the answers during After the Final Rose.
I know you have thoughts…I can’t wait to read them. The only thing I have left to say is that I hope Becca doesn’t agree to be the next bachelorette. ABC did her wrong. Yes, she signed up for this reality show, but she most definitely did not sign up for what she went through. She needs to take the money they tossed her way to come on the show and go far, far away for a few weeks.
She also needs to bring a buddy to keep her from backsliding right back into Ross’ arms.