Bachelor Arie Recap: Season 22, Episode 1

Some of you have been with me a very long time and you appreciate that I’ve been writing a Bachelor recap since Bekah M. was just a twinkle in her daddy’s eye. Isn’t it completely satisfying when one of the contestants vying for true love uses the same vernacular as we use on this website? I might have cheered when that one Lauren declared her safe word was pineapple.

It looks like someone’s been reading the blog! I’m officially rooting for her now. Surely she’s one of us.

Can you believe it’s Janu-Arie already? Where did the time go? Why it feels like it was just yesterday that Nick was adjusting his own skinny jeans as he picked through his crop of suitors, ultimately choosing the one who was comfortable enough to puke in front of him.

That’s TRUE love, people.

Of course the next logical step is to announce your break-up the same time Taylor Swift (the new one…the old one is dead) drops her first music video in years. The timing of Hurricane Harvey was icing on the cake.

Let’s hope Bachelor Arie’s pilgrimage leads him to his one and only. He’s finally ready to settle down. Doesn’t this level of maturity deserve a wife at the end? Preferably one who isn’t twelve?

I’d say so.

The season commences with a historical kick to the gut. Right off the bat, ABC wants to you know that when Arie was five years younger and sported a darker head of hair, his heart was ripped to pieces by one Emily Maynard. The first seven minutes are literally shots of Arie kissing Emily in different settings all across the globe. Then we are treated to Emily dumping Arie on the rejection bench, followed by a tearful bachelorette calling his name as he leaves her in a huff so he can go ahead and start the process of being psychoanalyzed by the ABC Psychotherapist in the rejection SUV.

To top it off, producers take great pleasure in showing the future Mrs. One F. Jef casually sitting beside a shell of an Arie during After the Final Rose, admitting to the world (with some light probing from Harrison) that he flew to Charlotte after the show was over so he could leave his journal with Emily. He wanted her to know all the feels he felt and the emotions he emoted during their three-week stint on a major reality dating show. Did Emily’s heart change? NO! Homegirl didn’t even open the journal. Something about it “not helping anything if I read it.”

Cue the second gut punch. But this time it was in slow motion.

Never fear, dear reader. Arie is back roaming the streets of Los Angeles with salt and pepper hair, a navy sweater from the Mr. Rogers collection, and a pair of fierce sunglasses. The fact that he’s carrying his racing helmet isn’t odd at all.

Arie pulls the look off. Trust me.

What is odd is that he’s not carrying around real estate yard signs or marketing materials for an open house. Arie has settled in Arizona and his second career in real estate is going so well that he has enough money to buy a blue Mercedes that matches his eyes. He’s ready for the next step. He’s ready to settle down. There’s only one thing left to do before he starts this journey and that’s consulting Bachelor royalty: Sean, Catherine, and little Samuel.

So long, Trista and Ryan. You’ve been down graded. There’s a new and improved success story in town and they have the cutest kid ever and one on the way.

After Sean proves that he is the eternal optimist, basking in the glory that is a fulfilled life based on terrible TV, Arie heads to the promotional photoshoot. He works it, owns it, and mentally reflects on the possibility of falling deeply in love. This is the most important race in his life and he has to get to the finish line without crashing and burning.

I’m a little bummed that there wasn’t a gratuitous shower scene, but I’ll let it slide since Arie is more evolved nowadays.

We’re seventeen minutes in and Our Host Chris Harrison FINALLY pops into my screen. Oh how I’ve missed his captivating eyes. They have a hypnotic effect on my nervous system. I find myself disconnected from a lovely trance by my niece who keeps asking who I’m rooting for and do I like the one with white hair.

She’s eight. We train them up young around here.

Harrison reminds the viewing audience that Arie has been branded “the kissing bandit” because he’s the best kisser they’ve ever had on this show.

1. Harrison totally reads my recap. It’s true. HEY CHRIS!
2. Do you think Arie appreciates the kissing bandit label? Or does it introduce a certain expectation that he may not want to fulfill. Granted, HE IS THE BEST KISSER, as I’ve pointed out multiple times in my recaps for the past five years, but what if he tones it down because he wants to be known as anything other than that? The horror.
3. Moreover, how many tongues do you think will come in hot because they want to be deemed the female version of the kissing bandit? My guess is at least three.

As I mentioned in my previous post, Bachelor Arie has quite a roster from which to choose. And according to the previews for the season, there are a few ladies who have no problem speaking their minds. There’s also no shortage of tears.

With more than half of the contestants wearing off-the-shoulder dresses, Chelsea posing as the new Olivia, Tink’s mysterious age, that one chick with the foot bath (PINEAPPLE), and Arie’s go-to response of “You know what I mean?”, I think this season is going to be epic.

The champagne is flowing, the extensions are down, and the boobs are up. Let’s meet the ladies!

Ali
Lawton, OK
27
Personal Stylist
Why you remember her:
You probably don’t remember Ali because after you crawled out from behind a couch cushion, you poured hydrogen peroxide all over your brain to try and erase the memories of Ali’s horrific icebreaker. Ali is the one who asked the bachelor to “smell my pits.” I’ll give you a minute to bathe in that disturbing reality.

How many of you flashed back to that infamous date when a blindfolded Ben “Peter Brady” Higgins had to smell women after some light cardio and he told that one girl she smelled sour. I’m getting hives just thinking about it. Gak!

Kudos to Arie for playing along. He leans in, takes a whiff, and graciously deems Ali odor-free. He even takes it a step further and compliments her for smelling lovely. She smiles at him and asks if it was the “best pit stop of your life?”

I’m sorry Ali, but using the word “pit” in introductory settings automatically disqualifies you from living any part of your best life. Bless it.
Status: Surprisingly, no rose. (Please read with a sarcastic font.)

Amber
Denver, CO
29
Business Owner
Why you remember her:
Here’s another one who didn’t really think through the fact that her icebreaker would be nationally televised. Amber hovers around the realm of questionable when she opens with, “I own a spray tan company.” First of all, honey, it’s clear that you own a spray tan company. But good for you for being your own boss. Regrettably, because she’s a spray tan company owner, she chooses to share with Arie that she’s seen a lot of BLEEP.

Okay, let’s break this down. We know the word starts with the letter D. We also know it is one syllable. Common sense points to a crude term for a particular part of the male anatomy or something you might use on a summer’s day.

I hate to go here, because the thought process is burning perfectly good brain cells, but I have questions. Let’s say Jersey Shore-type fellas frequent Amber’s establishment on a regular basis. One may adopt the stereotypical characteristics of these obnoxious men and immediately characterize them as a d-bag. I’ll allow it.

On the other hand, if door number two is the d-word Amber is using, I have an entire other list of questions, starting with, “Why has Amber seen a lot of BLEEP?” Is that normal? Are dudes going commando in those booths? Doesn’t the tangerine solution seep into places one might not want a chemical to go? Did Ross select the G-Rated version of a spray tan booth? I guess I’ll never know.
Status: No rose

Annaliese
San Mateo, CA
32
Event Designer
Why you remember her:
Annaliese was definitely a question mark after reading her bio. She didn’t harness my confidence either when she showed up with a black glittery mask she snagged from the Dollar Spot at Target. Annaliese (don’t call her Anna) dressed not as a slinky version of the Hamburglar, but as a kissing bandit. Arie isn’t fully picking up what she’s laying down, even though he appreciates the effort. Sweet Annaliese thinks the other girls are jealous of her since she wore a costume. They aren’t.

She gets some alone time with Arie and finally pulls off that guise to reveal a pretty girl with mask dents under her eyes. Annaliese
uses the rest of the time assuring Arie that she’s not a weirdo.
Status: Rose

Ashley
West Palm Beah, FL
25
Real Estate Agent
Why you remember her:
Ashley wore a dress made of tin foil and carried a checkered flag with her as she exited the limo, symbolizing that she and Arie will reach the finish line together. She’s also the one you said, “Who’s that?” when Arie called her name during the rose ceremony.
Status: Rose

Becca K.
Prior Lake, MN
27
Publicist
Why you remember her:
Becca K. started off on rocky ground by asking Arie to get down on one knee to pseudo propose, but came back around when she showed Arie a stack of letters her mom had written her to read during her time in the mansion. This makes all the sense in the world since Becca is the one who likes stamps. She seems very normal with a streak of funny running through her veins. I like her. And I think Arie does too.
Status: Rose

Bekah M.
Fresno, CA
Age: Suspiciously absent
Nanny
Why you remember her:
Bekah is the ageless nanny who looks like a brunette Tinkerbell. Not only does her pixie cut help her stand out from the crowd, but Tink’s mint green short dress adds another subtle layer of, “Look at me!” If that weren’t enough, Beks comes rolling up in a ’65 red convertible mustang. I’m going to assume nannies don’t make enough money to buy vintage cars and go with the more plausible conclusion that Bekah stole this ride from her very rich employer’s collection of cars a la Ferris Bueller.

I can see why everyone is drawn to Bekah, but something tells me she’s not what she seems. I think she’s a closet mean girl. She is often the center of the gaggle, championing negative talk about the others. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that person is Chelsea, but still. She’s clearly too young to know that she needs to keep her mouth shut.

Bekah pulls Arie away to sit on the back of “her” convertible and once again reminds him that he’s a very old man in her book. She repeats her icebreaker phrase, “I may be young, but I can appreciate something that is a classic.” Tink is baffled when Arie doesn’t swoop in and bandit her right there on the freshly sprayed sidewalk.

Tink asks Arie to list three things that make him excited to be alive. Then she makes fun of him for listing “excitement” as one of his three. He quickly changes his answer to adrenaline, adds pizza, and ties the bow with “good company.” Bekah lists off something about mountain air, rock climbing, and “that feeling when you like someone, but you’re not sure if they like you back.”

Excuse me while I choke from all the manipulation.

Arie thinks Beks set the bar high. I truly hope the ABC Intern is digging around for her birth certificate so he can bust it out during the two-on-one she’ll inevitably have with one of the perky blondes.
Status: Rose

Bibiana
Miami, FL
30
Executive Assistant
Why you remember her:
Bibiana is unexpectedly absent for most of the party. I can’t tell if that was strategy or not. Other than the icebreaker, we didn’t see much of her. I did notice that she spoke with a Spanish accent and then it disappeared when she told the camera that her babies would have gorgeous blue eyes if she had the opportunity to procreate with Arie.
Status: Rose

Bri
Grants Pass, OR
25
Sports Reporter
Why you remember her:
Bri is the brunette Barbie doll who threw a softball at Arie’s face. Luckily he caught it before any permanent damage was done. That act of terror landed her a black ball.
Status: No rose

Brittane J.
San Diego, CA
27
Marketing Manager
Why you remember her:
Brittane put a bumper sticker on Arie’s butt. The end.
Status: No rose

Brittany T.
Columbia, SC
30
Tech Recruiter
Why you remember her:
Brittany T. came to play. After butchering the Dutch language during her icebreaker, Brit slipped the ABC Intern a few Benjamins to procure her a couple of mini cars built for toddlers. You know, the ones that run on D-volt batteries? She challenges him to race down the driveway and if she wins, she gets a kiss. Brittany’s little pink car is woefully slow, but Arie plays the part of gentleman and allows her to win. He gives her a peck on the lips.

Brittany is over-the-moon that she was the first one to kiss Arie. I personally don’t count the kiss if the participant in search of said kiss orchestrates an elaborate act to get there. She should have run the race, laughed at the cuteness of it all, given a green light, and let HIM lean in for the kiss. Am I right? Also, how does Brittany know that Arie lives up to his name when it comes to his snogging technique? They were lip to lip for less than a second. You can’t tell a bandit is a bandit unless there is leaning involved, a hand in the hair/neck/face area, or a flat vertical surface that won’t crumble if weight is applied to its structure.

I appreciate Brit’s confidence, but I also roll my eyes every time someone bounces into the sunken living room to announce that she just kissed the bachelor. It’s the end zone, Brit. Act like you’ve been there before.
Status: Rose

Caroline
Holliston, MA
26
Realtor
Why you remember her:
Sweet Caroline is really good at her job. Just ask her. She made five million in a year, and she’s looking forward to getting Arie off the market. Also, boobs.
Status: Rose

Chelsea
South Portland, ME
29
Real Estate Exec Assistant
Why you remember her:
Chelsea launches into her shenanigans by playing the mysterious card, hinting to Arie that “there’s a lot to get to know.” I’m guessing that lot is her kid she left back at home, but time will tell. She’s the epitome of confident and only waivers twice. First, she glares at her prey when Tink drives up in the Mustang. She gets back at the pixie by stealing Arie away first during the cocktail party. The next time smoke comes out of her ears is when the girl who drove the race car has the audacity to interrupt her. She hates the one named Maquel who is a “little too loud.”

In Maquel’s defense, she doesn’t know any better. She’s 23-years-old and the young ones live their lives in 140 characters and fifteen second video bursts. Time is of the essence.

Around hour seven of the cocktail party, someone makes the suggestion that Chelsea’s decision to go first probably wasn’t a good one. Does Arie even remember her anymore? Chelsea takes that information, does some interrupting of her own, and confiscates the bachelor. She lays it on thick with all the mystery talk and promises that she’s there for the right reasons (right reasons). Then she stares at him in a sultry way. She moves in less than half the distance to Arie and forces him to close the gap.

I won’t go into too much detail, but there was so much tongue involved that my theory that someone will by vying for the title of female kissing bandit is hereby confirmed. Chelsea’s execution almost made Arie look bad. Almost.
Status: First Impression Rose

Jacqueline
Morgantown, WV
26
Research Coordinator
Why you remember her:
Remember how I said Jacqueline can stare into your soul? I stand by that assessment. She had a solid opener: “Don’t be nervous. We are all here to impress you. Just stand there and look pretty. By the way, mission accomplished.”

She’s also the only one who asked Arie why he chose to come back. She pushes further, asking why he thinks this process will work verses the real world, which clearly hasn’t since he’s not currently dating anyone. Then she apologizes for therapizing him.
Status: Rose

Jenna
Upland, IN
28
Social Media Manager
Why you remember her:
First of all, you think Jenna is Jenny. Second, you wonder how to accurately describe her royal blue frock, noting all of the various holes in the material. It’s more than a cold shoulder dress with a glitter bomb belt. There are cold ribs, a cold back, perhaps a cold upper thigh?

Jenna is forgettable, until she isn’t. I personally would have VETOED someone who asked me to take off my socks and shoes so they could rub my feet. No m’am. Shut that down NOW. It was obvious that Arie was hella uncomfortable. Couple that with Jenna’s spastic demeanor and inability to finish a thought and you’ve blown way past aco taco. Another red flag? Jenna asked him if he was scared of her.

That answer in that scenario is always yes, but I understand his choice to not go there since the crazy woman was holding his feet in her hands.
Status: Rose

Jenny
Northbrook, IL
25
Graphic Designer
Why you remember her:
First of all, you think Jenny is Jenna until you repeat in your head that Jenny is wearing the hot pinkiest of all hot pink dresses. Jenny is a graphic designer who sketches a picture of James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause and tries to pass it as a drawing of Arie.
Status: Rose

Jessica
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
26
Television Host
Why you remember her:
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. Yes your flowing bright orange ruffly dress is ’70 chic and it’s unfortunate that you handed Arie a gratitude rock during your limo exit when Krystal had already conducted an entire gratitude guru session moments before. However the conversation about your dad is all on you. Telling a guy that he has already met your deceased father once upon a time is an interesting sentiment. Gushing to the guy that your deceased father may have met his daughter’s future husband puts a certain amount of pressure on a man that even the hottest of former race car drivers have no intention of touching with a ten-foot pole. I’m officially blessing your heart and wishing you the best in Calgary.
Status: No rose

Kendall
Santa Clarita, CA
26
Creative Director
Why you remember her:
Where do I begin? Kendall is a legitimate lover of taxidermy. Nothing is off limits. Want to hug a dead polar bear? Kendall’s your gal. Have a hankering to sing a song on your ukulele to a stuffed seal poised nowhere near water? Kendall’s got you covered. Feel like making your national television debut in a pink silk nightgown? Kendall’s right there with you. On the plus side, Kendall owns her weird.
Status: Rose

Krystal
Missoula, MT
29
Fitness Coach
Why you remember her:
WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING! Or should I say wolf in tight red satin clothing. There’s a lot behind that fake smile of Krystal’s and it’s not just the endorphins from her online health and fitness routines or the good vibes she gets from feeding the homeless. I know another person who looked like this. His name is The Joker.

Krystal is all about people feeling their best. She walks Arie through a breathing exercise in which he reflects on what he has been grateful for, including this moment and this pending adventure. Krystal was pretty status quo until her aura turned a scathing shade of filthy brown after Chelsea stole Arie away for a SECOND one-on-one sesh. Watch out, Chels. I have no doubt Krystal will cut you in your sleep smiling like Miss Congeniality the entire time.
Status: Rose

Lauren B.
Virginia Beach, VA
25
Tech Salesperson
Why you remember her:
You don’t.
Status: Rose

Lauren G.
Indianapolis, IN
26
Executive Recruiter
Why you remember her:
Most of this girl’s screen time consisted of other girls shouting that she’s the fourth Lauren in the mansion.
Status: Rose

Lauren J.
New Roads, LA
33
Recent Masters Graduate
Why you remember her:
Lauren J. crowned Arie with a string of Mardi Gras beads and was offended when he assumed she was from New Orleans. Well, she’s not. She’s from a small town in Louisiana. Arie gives the ABC Intern the beads and cuts Lauren J., relieved that he only has to keep three of them straight now.
Status: No rose

Lauren S.
Dallas, TX
31
Social Media Manager
Why you remember her:
Lauren S. is my favorite Lauren. She wore a black dress that had a weird tie around her boobs, but was delightful for the most part. Arie promised to talk to her when he got inside, yet we never witnessed the exchange. We did see him say, “she’s beautiful” as she walked inside the mansion. I think LS is a dark horse contender.
Status: Rose

Maquel
American Fork, UT
23
Photographer
Why you remember her:
Darling Maquel is a photographer who fell for Arie while watching Emily’s season. Let the record show that she could not yet legally drive, yet she was in love with a race car driver. Maquel did trump Tink’s Mustang entrance by riding in a Formula 1 car. She steps out of the seat, takes off her helmet, and whips her white hair like she’s the Little Mermaid popping out of the water. And that’s when Chelsea officially placed a bullseye on Maquel’s back.
Status: Rose

Marikh
Salt Lake City, UT
27
Restaurant Owner
Why you remember her:
Marikh is the Indian woman who is a mixture of Princess Jasmine and a Kardashian. She’s all white teeth, eyelashes, eyebrows, boobs, butt, and cold clavicles. She’s striking and intriguing. I wonder if there’s a personality in there somewhere.
Status: Rose

Nysha
Belton, SC
30
Orthopedic Nurse
Why you remember her:
We know very little about Nysha. She went sky diving when she turned thirty, and as an orthopedic nurse, she likes the bloody part of her job. While watching her intro package, I found myself wishing she would eat the bread instead of feeding it to the ducks.
Status: No Rose

Olivia
Geneseo, IL
23
Marketing Associate
Why you remember her:
I have no idea who this person is and neither does Arie.
Status: No rose

Seinne
Long Beach, CA
27
Commercial Real Estate Manager
Why you remember her:
Seinne gave Arie some elephant cufflinks. He did a good job not gawking at her cold sternum even though her plunging neckline was right there.
Status: Rose

Tia
Weiner, AR
26
Physical Therapist
Why you remember her:
Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas where the locals like to shoot things and fish. She also happens to be a good friend of Raven, who wisely suggested Tia wear an emerald green gown to the cocktail party. I have no idea who suggested to Tia that the perfect icebreaker would be to give Arie a little weiner.

Let me set the stage for you: Beautiful girl, a vision in green, exits the limo. She tells him her name and her hometown in a southern accent that is definitely memorable. Already, Tia has proven herself worthy of a rose. Alas, the ditzy girl allows us a peek into the more crass side of her sense of humor by handing the bachelor a tiny toy penis with the caveat, “Pease tell me that you don’t already have a little weiner.”

Both Arie and I are dumbfounded. Is this supposed to be a joke? Because A. it’s not funny and B. neither of us have any use for a miniature weenie whistle and C. Arie is sophisticated now and would never elude to the size of his own penis.

I think Arie took it all in stride and made the decision to scrub the erotic joke from his mind. He’ll give Tia another shot, but she has to do better than junior high antics the next time she sees him. Keep your bachelorette party favors to yourself, Tia.
Status: Rose

Valerie
Nashville, TN
25
Server
Why you remember her:
Valerie in the one who wore a bright yellow dress to accent her magenta hair. That’s about it.
Status: Rose

And there we have it. Bachelor Arie is well on his way to finding true love. Do you think he’s going to succeed? Who is the dude who shows up to ask one of the girls to marry him? And is Chelsea an out and proud villain to Krystal’s emotionally manipulative villain? Who are you rooting for?

Remember, this is a spoiler free zone!