Bachelor Arie Recap: Krystal and the Women Tell All
If you ask me to sum up last night’s Women Tell All in just one sentence, I’d probably say:
“I believe Arie would have melted into the floor if the transitive property of congruence had allowed him to last night. That must be why they keep the temperature in the studio so icy cold. It’s a mixture of both a thermostat thing and an ex-girlfriend thing. Homie looked pale and scared to death. I bet he carefully considered breaking his contractual obligation to face a panel of women he kissed at least once in a three-week period. But the penalty – deleting one’s social media accounts forever and not agreeing to any FitFabFunBoxes or Diffeyewear endorsement deals – just wasn’t an option. He must face the women and their wrath with his pale head held high and his silver fox hair perfectly coiffed.”
Okay, so that’s more than one sentence and I have no idea if I properly used “transitive property of congruence” correctly. (Spoiler: I didn’t.) My point is that I anticipate that Arie does something really, really, really bad that will make all of America hate him. And he does something dramatically awful to Becca. Why else would her bestie Caroline physically become so emotional and give such a cryptic message that she KNEW Arie would understand by reading between the lines. He also looked like he wanted to hurl when he had to look her in the face.
Thank goodness Our Host Chris Harrison is there to turn up the burners. His ability to remain silent in moments of extreme uncomfortableness is a gift. Poke the bear. Stand back. Watch as chaos ensues. Poke the bear. Remain silent. Watch as tears flow like rain, threatening the integrity of each and every false eyelash. Poke the bear. Tell a joke. Bask in the glory that the viewing audience knows you are money.
The Women Tell All episodes are traditionally fifty percent “let’s take a look back” footage, twenty-five percent “what is she wearing?” and twenty-five percent “OH NO SHE DIDN’T.” Therefore it makes no sense to craft an entire recap showcasing roughly twenty-seven minutes of good TV.
I find that a nice “memorable moment” list will provide more than enough information for you to harness the ridiculousness and pitifulness of the episode. And because I love each and every one of you, I’ve made a playlist to accompany last night’s debacle. Enjoy!
Do You Hear the People Sing — Les Miserables
Every Women Tell All, I like to listen to see which contestants garner the loudest applause as they are introduced. This is the first year that so many individuals receive a boisterous welcome from the audience of women and men wearing Hamburglar masks and “FOUND” t-shirts showcasing Baby Bekah’s face. I would say that Lauren S, Jenna, Bibs, Baby Beks, and Seinne were up there, but they definitely screamed the loudest for Tia.
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Favorite quote from Harrison: “It’s a buffet of glitter bombs and mic drops.”
Beautiful — Christina Aguilera
Is glam-shaming a thing? The panel is 50/50 on this debate. At first, Chelsea seems genuinely concerned that Marikh thinks she judged her based on what she looks like and how she acts around mirrors. I thought things were mind-numbingly fine until Chelsea wobbles up to the second level in her skin-tight dress to hand Marikh a peace offering — a compact for her purse. I would have rolled my eyes if they were fixed on the top of Chelsea’s dress. I’m convinced my prayers are what kept that garment from falling down, exposing Chelsea’s boobs.
People Are Crazy — Billy Currington
Krystal’s time on the hot seat was easily my favorite part of the night. Deemed as “the most polarizing contestant in Bachelor history” (calm down, Chris), things start off calm, cool, and collected. Krystal admits that she “stumbled and fell” but that she also felt ostracized. The women tell her she is inauthentic and Krystal responds passionately “that’s the name of the game.”
Game? This is a GAME to you? Cease and desist, Krystal. There are girls here for the right reasons, right reasons. Including Tia who reminds Krystal that she was in love with this man and Baby Bekah who encourages Krystal to be honest with herself.
Caroline takes a different approach. She calls Krystal a sociopath for having the gall to label the others a BLEEP, which is a “disgusting word.” Then she launches into how horrible Krystal behaved talking bad about them behind their backs.
Cue Harrison dumping kerosene on that particular fire.
Krystal retaliates with a fervent reminder, dropping F-bombs left and right. Does Caroline not remember mocking Krystal and her voice?
By the way, where is that voice?
Krystal claims she lost her voice the week before filming. And that her vocal cords become weak with stress. Stress that collected into a swirling vortex of nuclear capacity at the now infamous bowling date.
Private Eyes — Hall & Oats
Krystal is prepared. She knows she will have to defend her actions. She claims that she was upset and hurt and “in the moment, I said BLEEPY things.”
What darling Krystal didn’t expect was the top secret footage of an angry Krystal calling the women the disgusting term Caroline reminded her of and deeming Arie a BLEEP BLEEP. Rhymes with shmeedle trick. The women gasp in horror and try not to laugh. Harrison winces at the moniker that will follow Arie around, even if it isn’t true. And Bib asks the question we’ve all been wondering: “Did you see his BLEEP?”
Not that I care, but I did wonder.
We Belong Together — Mariah Carey
Krystal knows that she wanted to take control of the moment (duh) and blames her lack of manners on not having a safe home environment growing up. So basically, she apologizes for having a rough childhood. The good news is that her homeless brother saw her on the show and has made a move to rejoin the family. Celebrate good times.
Dignified Woman — Amos Lee
Seinne looks GORGEOUS in her white weirdo dress and straight locks. Even though she gets emotional watching her walk down Memory Lane, she understands that she didn’t have the deep relationship that Arie had with the other women. She has a peace about it. She’s also proud of all her accomplishments in life and wants the men of the world to not find her intimidating. Seinne wants all the little girls who look like her to be proud of her time on The Bachelor and she hopes they see her as a role model. PS: She’s open to dating. Prediction: Bachelor in Paradise.
Young Love — The Judds
Baby Beks is tired of America questioning her age and marriage readiness. She’s a grown woman. You can tell because it’s totally legal for her to go on national television showing a generous amount of under boob. And please don’t worry about her earlobes adopting a permanent droop from the huge earrings. It’s fine.
Bekah is mad at Tia for being ageist and feels that Arie was more insecure about him being too old for her than her being too young for him. Also, the people who make fun of her being 22-years-old are annoying.
I guess she could have called me worse.
She’s So High — Tal Bachman
Because Our Host is good at his job, he asks Baby Bekah to explain how she was considered a missing person back in the fall. Bekah thinks this is hilarious and quickly tells the story of coming home after filming and wanting to chill with friends on a farm. Yes, yes, a marijuana farm, what’s the big deal? There was no phone service, so for seven days, her mom didn’t know her location. So her mom reported her missing. When she left the marijuana farm, she called her mom and celebrated her lack of abduction. The end.
Harrison hands Beks his phone and asks her to call her mother to see if she knows where Bekah is now. We all get a laugh and then he informs her mom that Bekah will be gone for two weeks in the summer because our favorite fairy is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise!
Anyone over the age of thirty need not apply.
Total Eclipse of the Heart — Bonnie Tyler
Tia’s dress is not a dress. It is a fancy top she chooses to wear as a dress. Insert Olympic ice dancer joke here.
Tia’s beef with Arie is that she was ready to commit to a relationship that will end in a proposal, yet Arie chooses someone who clearly is waffling over her own, to use Bekah’s term, marriage readiness. Tis is fine with having her heart broken, again, but she needs some closure. She wants Arie to tell her SOMETHING.
Harrison decides this is the best time to tell her that Arie told him, after he dumped Tia, that he wasn’t sure if he made the right decision. Way to kick an ice dancer while she’s down, Hare. Easy.
The Power of Love — Celine Dion
Chris practically soft ball tosses Tia an opportunity for her to set herself up as a contender to be the next bachelorette. Is she willing to find love again? Yes. Are you open to new possibilities? Of course. Can you get beyond the heart that was torn into little bitty pieces? Indubitably.
Hello Mr. Heartache — Dixie Chicks
Arie waltzes out onto the stage looking cool as a cucumber.
Hah! That sentence was so fun to write! Let me try again…
Arie sulks out onto the stage looking green as a bean. He does not want to be here and it shows. He barely looks at Tia when he gives her the closure she needs to hear: “I like Kendall more than you.”
If I Only Had a Brain — Harry Connick, Jr.
Jacqueline wants everyone to know that Arie didn’t dump her because she wanted to pursue her Ph.D. instead of him. It was a difference in life. Arie looks grateful and smiles in her direction.
Listen To Your Heart — Roxette
Arie makes a big production in telling the women, the audience, and Harrison that it’s hard to strike a balance between being logical and following your heart. He admits that there are things he would do differently. When the women call out, “LIKE WHAT?” he answers, “A lot.” Then he recommends that we all lead with our hearts. It’s the best decision we can make in the moment.
Jar of Hearts — Christina Perri
This is when Caroline commandeers the moment. She waits for the audience to reach an eerily calm tone. Then she looks at Arie with pools of tears welling in her eyes and says:
“I know what you did. And I don’t know how you could do that. I just needed to say that. I don’t understand, but I hope you found what you are looking for.”
See? Isn’t this proof that something most dramatic will be going down next week? Why else would Caroline be so emotional and passionate and dramatic? This can’t be that Arie merely picks Lauren or Kendall over Becca. There’s some sort of wrong-doing that Arie is going to regret, but he will fall back on the “I followed my heart” spiel. Am I right?
NO SPOILERS, PLEASE!
I Knew You Were Trouble — Taylor Swift
Krystal asks Harrison if she can come sit with Arie on the couch. Bad move, K-Dawg.
Her nodes miraculously return in this moment as she baby talks to her former beau that she felt their good-bye was very cold.
Arie: Looking back, I think that the feeling was pretty appropriate.
Awwww yeah! I LOVE THIS SHOW!
Arie explains that he was disappointed that she was one way with him and another way with the girls. The comments she made were both hurtful to him and to the women in the house. Oh, and their relationship dragged on longer than it should have, which is sad because he felt like they had a good thing.
Krystal defends herself. She was fighting for time! And she felt like he dangled a carrot with the whole bowling date train wreck. SHE AND HER TEAMMATES WERE MOCKED. It’s hard and she didn’t like that she had to compete with other girls.
Arie: But you’re on The Bachelor.
Awwww yeah! I LOVE THIS SHOW!
Arie complains that Krystal’s mouth got her in trouble. Harrison steps up, pokes the bear by saying, “And he doesn’t know about the BLEEP BLEEP comment.”
Awwww yeah! I LOVE THIS SHOW!
The girls start chanting, “PLAY THAT CLIP! PLAY THAT CLIP!”
It appears Arie is seconds away from tearing up his contract with ABC, grabbing his woman, and spending the rest of his life on a marijuana farm without cell phone service. It’s not a bad idea.
***REMEMBER, NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION!***