Bachelor Colton Recap: Camp Colton
When The Bachelor kicks off 120 minutes of Colton “waking up in bed,” documenting himself video selfie style, you know producers were asked to turn it up a notch and this is the best they could do. Of course, Colton’s pretend sleepy-eyed confession that he and his ladies were going to a theater to “tell stories about our firsts” was followed by a gratuitous shower scene.
It’s been seventeen years. These people know exactly what they are doing.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or that person you stalk on InstaStories happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host Chris Harrison pops by the mansion the first morning, date card in hand. He’s dressed to kill in various hues of blue, perfectly fitting jeans, and eyes the color of the sea after a stormy day. The cougars lean in, appreciating the magnificence. The babies feel fluttery, too. They have no idea its his powerful pheromones that are drawing them in like a bachelorette to a date rose.
Harrison warns the adolescents that spending time with Colton is imperative, drops the date card, snaps his fingers to release the women from his trance, and heads out to the theater to enjoy pre-game dirty martinis with Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.
Katie hops up to snatch the card. Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G. ,Nicole, Onyeka, and DJ Catherine giggle when Katie reads, “You never forget your first date.”
All run upstairs to wiggle into their favorite pair of Lululemons, which pose as pants, and coordinating midriff top. Tracy adds a hat so she will stick out from the fray, even though she’s one of the older ones and sticks out like a sore thumb anyway.
Colton greets the girls at the theater door, escorts them in, and points at the two married people on stage with a big huge grin on his face. It’s clear that by everyone’s reaction, including Colton, that none of these youngsters know Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.
The groups smiles politely as the couple explain that they’ve been married for fifteen years, so they are experts in love. They even wrote a book about it.
And praised the writer, who gave them such a generous review, on Twitter.
Megan announces that the contestants will be performing on stage, in front of a live audience, to tell a story about a memorable first. Nick gives an example and shares the time he first “plucked the blossom of a woman.” No one was comfortable except his wife who thought he was hilarious.
I’m glad they found each other.
Journal time! The ladies scatter throughout the building to write out their stories, while Megan flirts with Colton. Colton finds this awkward since Nick is standing right there, but Nick gives him the green light confessing, “I would love to have you around the house giving me some tips in the dumbbell area.”
Meanwhile, the producers move from girl to girl, giving them the 4-1-1 on Megan and Nick.
Producer: She was in this show called Will & Grace. He was in Parks and Recreation. Memorize those names!
Contestant: Got it. My mom used to watch that one.
Producer: What did I just say?
Contestant: Grace Anatomy.
Producer: No. And it’s Grey’s Anatomy.
Contestant: What did I say?
Colton leads us off and tells a story about the first time he told the truth about his virginity. The subject matter no longer fazes me.
Elyse confesses she’s in her early thirties before admitting this is the first time she’s dated a younger man. BTW: She’s willing to teach Colton a thing or two.
That’s when the camera cuts to Demi, who thinks it’s “brave” for Elyse to announce her age.
It’s tough to balance beauty and humbleness, but she does it.
This is Nicole’s first time to “get a taste of the whitest bread.” Havana has only dated Cubans or Colombians in the past. Good note.
I can’t recall Hannah G’s “first.” But after her soliloquy, I do know we were supposed to bless her heart for being so pretty. It’s her cross to bear and we all need to be sensitive to Hannah G’s waif-like ways.
Onyeka takes it way back and reminisces about the time (last night) when she blew a whistle in Colton’s face, protecting him from “drowning in some b!tches,” while making aggressive eye contact with Catherine. I wish she would use her obnoxious personality to fight crime or cure cancer.
But never fear. DJ Cathy tucks her “first time I had my lips done” speech into her bosom and retaliates with, “I’m a good swimmer.” Although she didn’t follow the “first time” rules, her decision to go one step beyond a mic drop by kicking over the entire microphone stand was a golden ray of sarcastic sunshine.
Tracy decides to talk about the first time she dated a virgin. Using context clues, I gathered that the story lasted the length of a This is Us episode, but wasn’t as captivating or emotional.
And then there was Demi. Her mama always told her to go after what she wants, even if it’s illegal, because baby girl deserves it. Demi paints a picture of “this crazy party” she went to and how she saw something that caught her eye. So she went after it.
Then Demi marches down the stairs, straight up to Colton, and kisses him right in front of the girls, the crowd, Karen Walker, and Ron Swanson. She returns to the mic, flashes her best smile and says, “And that’s the story of how I got the first group date rose.”
That is what we call a figurative mic drop.
Later that night, Demi is the first to grab Colton away and all the girls openly hate her for it. Tracy uses her powers as the oldest in the room and vows to never ever kiss Colton in front of the other girls. Because she’s a lady. And Colton shouldn’t be forced to kiss anyone. It should be on his terms.
At the same moment, Colton halfway praises Demi for her “bold move.” Demi flips her hair and tells him that she loved it. She reminds him that she’s super fun and a huge woman supporter.
Does Colton like Demi? My guess is that he’s straddling the fence. She’s just spunky enough to keep around, but he never said he liked that she kissed him. Bold does not equal attractive. And we know he understands that feeling, because he told Elyse she was sexy twice in their conversation. Exhibit C: He neither passionately kissed her nor sat inches away from her body.
Newsflash: Colton likes Elyse. A lot.
But Demi doesn’t care. She reports to the group that Colton loooovvvvveeeedddd her kiss and that they are practically engaged. She picks up the rose and uses it as a conductor’s baton for a solid thirty seconds before dropping it back down on its signature piece of marble and scuttling off to find a celebratory shot of whiskey. She plays with the tassels on her dress in a slumped position, bored out of her mind.
This is when I decided that Demi is Corinne’s long lost sister, born out of a union from Corinne’s rich daddy and Demi’s mom. Who thinks Corinne’s dad had something to do with the authorities finding out that Demi’s mom was embezzling money? Who thinks Demi would be a thousand times worse if she had a nanny? More importantly, does Corinne have a platinum vagine like her half sister?
For some reason, Tracy loses her ever living mind that Demi had the AUDACITY to pick up the date rose. THE NERVE. The act makes Tracy so sick to her stomach that she is forced to have her own one-on-one with Demi. She has an entire decade of experience on Demi. Tracy is certain her discipleship will be well-received.
Tracy eases into the conversation, as not to scare the young one, with a whispery baby voice. She carefully revisits the “rose incident” from moments before and cautions Demi on its ramifications. Tracy firmly says, “No, no” to Demi and the wee one apologizes for what she did and vows to turn Tracy’s frowny face upside down.
Tracy gets up to leave, fixing the little darling’s hair first, not noticing Demi rolling her eyes.
Colton snuggles with Hannah G and makes out with her against a window while Demi spies on them.
Nicole tells him about her autistic brother. We appreciate the modesty mesh around her cleavage. Things go a little south when she starts talking about wanting kids, having kids, loving kids, and motherhood. When he gives Elyse the date rose, Tracy and Nicole cry, Onyeka seethes, and Demi moves on to Phase 2 of her diabolical plan. Bri, Hannah G., and DJ Catherine are too boring to film, which does not bode well for them.
It’s Hannah B’s birthday and she gets to spend it with Colton. Hooray! It can’t get much better than that. How do we know? Because she smiles with her whole face. The entire time. Never not smiling.
Colton rolls up in a Bronco because he is a rugged mountain man from Colorado. With a trendy, perpetual facial scruff. All the girls squeal as he whisks Hannah B away for a day filled with total…awkward…pauses.
It started off great. She and Colton hold hands while riding horses. It looks a little like a tampon commercial, but that’s what these things are supposed to look like, right? While Hannah tosses her head back in gregarious laughter, I think all is well. Both Hannahs are contenders and I like the little Hannah Club they’ve created.
Then this thing called FORESHADOWING happens. In layers.
Layer #1: Caelyn tells us that she and Hannah B. used to be big buds on the pageant circuit. To prove it, ABC splays not one, not two, but half a dozen photos of the BFFs together. When Hannah B. didn’t place at the Miss America pageant, and Caelyn did, things started to crumble and according to Caelyn, “Hannah flipped a switch.”
Ah, I see. So this is normal Hannah B, but according to her arch nemesis, there’s a sub-basement of crazy. Moving on.
Layer #2: Hannah B. tells the camera that if something is not perfect in her life, she thinks it’s horrible. She’s very aware of not feeling good about herself and when she starts to doubt, she has a tendency to spiral into an abyss.
First, I think there’s an essential oil you can use for that. Second, might I recommend this book?
Colton and Hannah B. wander up to a bed in the middle of the dessert. It’s the same one where the Farmer left Ashley I-Lashes and that one who may or may have not killed her husband, and proposes a toast. It’s elaborate and sophisticated.
“Here’s to us! Now you go!”
The command paralyzes Hannah B. She literally can’t think of anything to say.
“World peace! WORLD PEACE!” I shout, starring at the television, unable to look away from the beginnings of a significant spiral. “USE YOUR PAGEANT TRAINING!”
Colton tries to help her out by starting the toast off for her, but she remains mute for sixty seconds. Then she squeaks, “You took mine.”
Hannah B. babbles on about her birthday, the huge smile plastered to her face, and takes a sip of what was either beer or a mystery liquid that is too yellow to be considered champagne. Colton tries to rectify the situation by reminding her that he too has been in her shoes.
Hannah B: Jimmy Choo heels?
Colton: No. I’ve been on that side of the rose before. And it’s hard. And what you need to know is that I am aware of what you’re going through. Sometimes I don’t feel good enough either, but all you have to know is that I chose you to be here for a reason. There was something that first night, a spark, that I couldn’t forget. I think you are swell.
Hannah B: Yeah.
Cue Colton confessing to the camera:
“Yeah, this date has not gone as I suspected. Something’s up with Hannah and I can’t figure it out. I thought this would be an easy natural flow, but she’s having a hard time opening up and…LOOK! Hannah in a bikini! Never mind.”
The pair dip into a non-bubbling hot tub and sit in silence. An unexpected action sequence left Hannah B. taking way too long to pick an eyelash off his face. Colton gently blows the eyelash, undoubtedly wishing Hannah would use her words and grow a personality.
Colton and Hannah B. head over to the Queen Mary that night. He looks dapper. Her outfit is unfortunate, just like their dinner conversation. But the crimson outfit is a feat of engineering that needs to be applauded. The V-neck plunging down to her V.
Modesty mesh was not to be found on that sternum.
Colton takes care of the toast and launching into a deep discussion about how he knows that something was off that afternoon. He tells her to stop trying to be perfect, because no one is perfect. Hannah B. promises to try harder and politely tells him that it’s something she’s been working on but more importantly, “Why are you a virgin?”
Here we go again.
Colton says he “ended up like this.” You know, because he forgot to have sex when he was a football player and one day, he looked up, and was “like this.” Hannah B. says that it’s very cool he saved himself for someone he loves. She wishes she would have done the same thing.
The smile cracks and we see what it’s like for Hannah B’s teeth to be covered. But she snaps back into reality and thanks him for allowing her to be honest about her imperfections. Then she cries in the bathroom about being imperfect. He gives her a pity rose and then they kiss under a puny display of fireworks.
I get it. It’s bad form if the Queen Mary blows up on Mike Fleiss’ watch.
SECOND GROUP DATE
Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather are off to Camp Colton for a super fun day/possible night of camping under the stars! In a cabin. With running water. And electricity.
Speaking of details, a great big thank you to the person who gave Colton an axe and told him to chop wood so his ladies could stay warm by the campfire. And a great big WHAAAAAA???? to the person who decided that dressing these girls in toddler activewear is in any way adorable.
Question: Why are some wearing tutus?
Answer: Anyone who weighs over 102 pounds or is over the age of 25 must wear a skirt like the olden days.
Question: Can a wedgie go so far up a butt that it hinders one from playing Red Rover or Duck-Duck-Goose?
Answer: Yes. It does not stop one from picking said wedgie on national television.
From out of nowhere, Harrison comes barreling into the campsite on a tricked out golf cart with comedian Billy Eichner hanging on for dear life. Once again, the producers pull girls aside to explain that Billy is a comedian and has a long list of accolades.
Producer: He was in Parks & Rec too.
Producer: The same show as Nick Offerman.
Producer: He’s the voice of Timon the live action version of The Lion King, roaring into theaters on July 19, 2019. #ABCnumberone
Contestant: Ohhhhh! Does he know Zac Efron?
Several bad camp jokes are shared before Bill and Harrison take Colton away for some straight talk. Er, not so straight talk. Billy tells Colton, “Maybe your the first gay bachelor. Put that in your promo, ABC.”
I find it interesting that this has been a theory of many fans of Bachelor Nation. Was this ABC’s way of putting the kibosh on all that speculation? Or are they planing seeds? Regardless, the moment was not edited out.
What should have been edited out was the egg race, the human wheelbarrow race, the three-legged race, the canoe race, and the tug-of-war.
The ketchup red team beats the mustard yellow team and Nina, Courtney, Kirpa, Sydney, and Caitlyn are sent home without a s’more. They arrive back at the mansion and everyone is nervous that Colton will vibe with someone and be tempted to share tent space.
THE JOKE IS ON YOU! THERE ARE NO TENTS!! ONLY SEGREGATED CABINS.
Katie and Colton snuggle under a blanket. In an unprecedented move this early in the season, Katie admits that she is afraid that he’s just not that into her and she begs him to let her go if she’s not what he wants. Colton proves that’s not the case at all by making out with her, leading with the tongue, of course. Also, gross.
It’s Heather’s turn next and she’s ready to tell him that she’s more virgin than he is because she’s never been kissed. HOWEVER, she also wants him to know that she’s ready for her first kiss, marriage, and babies. Colton admires her self worth and then sticks his tongue down her throat.
Kidding. I actually prayed to the good Lord that would not happen, even though I’m certain it will in the near future. And she will be P-R-O-U-D that he was her first smooch.
Caelyn takes a different approach than anyone else and decides to talk about something near and dear to hear heart. Her crown and the fact that her crown helped her infiltrate children’s hospitals.
What’s that you say? Colton is into children’s hospitals, too, thanks to his cystic fibrosis foundation? This is brand new information. Let’s make out!
To everyone’s dismay, Never Been Kissed Heather gets a rose for being as pure as the driven snow. She’s excited to get some more alone time with Colton, but he escorts them all back to the cabin for, presumably, a spa treatment.
Just like the Ray Family camping trips in days of yore.
Suddenly, the scene changes and we are back at the mansion at the rose ceremony. When Courtney grabs Colton (TAKE THAT, DEMI) I notice that the sleeves on her silver gown are weird and suuuupppper long.
Correction: The one sleeve was weird and super long. The other sleeve was missing.
She babbles on about love and marriage and a darling mixed-race baby in a baby carriage. Then she cries about it once Colton leaves.
Someone is already over tired.
Alex finds an eyelash on Colton’s face and I worry that the stress is causing him to suffer from alopecia. Can we get the ABC Dermatologist over here to investigate?
Sydney manipulates some time with Colton. Just when she admits to sabotaging the other team at Camp Colton, which our bachelor finds hilarious, Onyeka scares the dickens out of both of them with a blow horn. Sydney and is visually ticked, but graciously bows out as Onyeka tells Colton that she’s horny.
Sydney returns moments later with a wooden spoon and saucepan. Onyeka doesn’t budge, so Sydney is forced to procure a big pot like the one my mother uses for gumbo or chili. She bangs away again and I zone out because I’m leaning in the direction of bored.
Tracy steals Colton away from someone and start to really open up, when Demi saunters by wearing a bathrobe. She takes Colton’s hand and says, “We’re going upstairs. To my fantasy closet.” All the other girls seethe as Demi wisely pretends they do not exist, but it’s Caitlyn who exclaims, “Does she not have any parents?”
Hey, Caitlyn. Mommy’s in jail. BACK OFF.
Demi gives Colton the worst massage ever, but reports that they had an ah-mazing time when she returns downstairs. Someone informs Demi that Tracy is very upset with her behavior and has taken to her bed to cry about it.
Demi finds the cougar attack hilarious. It’s more like decrepit turtle, but I’ll allow it because Tracy is being so dumb.
She flops down on the floor beside Tracy and pretends she’s talking to one of her sorority sisters: “You are the most amazing person. Tell Colton your story. He will definitely enjoy that.”
What story? And why is Tracy allowing Demi to win by wasting time crying in her room?
Tracy picks herself up off the ground, locates her heels, hoists up her strapless dress, wipes away the mascara under her eyes, and hobbles downstairs to hear her fate. Along with Never Been Kissed Heather, Elyse, and Hannah G, roses go to:
Taysha (wisely flying under the radar)
Bri (not Australian)
Nina (No one knows who this is)
Anyone whose name begins with A is a goner. (Alex, Annie, Angelique) And my girl The Nut is booted, as well.
I have a theory. Colton ditched Annie and The Nut because he couldn’t tell them apart from Cassie. So he cleansed his roster of all short-haired blonds.
Am I right? And at what week do you think Colton will give Heather the kiss she’s been waiting for? Sound off in the comments!