Bachelor Colton Finale: HE LIVES
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Except switch the word “best” with “boring” and you’ve got the first two hours of a two-part finale for Bachelor Colton’s season.
At one point during the night, I looked away from the television and saw that only three of the eleven people in my watching party were actually paying attention to the show. Everyone else was on their phone, eating delicious queso, petting a dog, or staring off into space. I believe it was during the time that the camera was set up outside of Tayshia’s door for twenty minutes.
Needless to say, we didn’t get a lot out of the Bachelor Colton Finale part 1, but there were a few things you need to know:
- Colton is lost in the “middle of nowhere Portuguese countryside” according to Our Host Chris Harrison. I believe that the Portuguese Visitor’s Bureau took offense to this negative connotation, pointed ABC to the part in the contract where it states, “You can stay here for free as long as you give us proper props,” and made all cast members go overboard with their use of ALGARVE — the town with which the “middle of nowhere” actually sits.
- All Bachelor employees, including camera men, interns, stylists, handlers, and Harrison in some tight fitting jeans search high and low for the missing man who has taken to the streets to mend his broken heart.
- They shout, “COLE’N! COME BACK COLE’N!” with gusto. I have no idea why three vans full of people insist on checking the brush on either side of the road. Colton is not playing hide-and-seek, you weirdos. Someone go left down the street. Someone else go right. You’ll find him.
- No, Chris Harrison, you do not have to call the ALGARVE police. Stand down.
- Speaking of Hare, how uncool was it of our host to saunter up to that one van where two crazy Algarvian kids were clearly making out in one of these fields? Then to knock on their window to ask if they had seen a guy walk by? That’s cold.
- Once the team finally finds Colton, the camera work is definitely Cops adjacent. Colton is not happy and does not want to be touched by his female handler, who just wants to know if he is okay. Is that wrong?
- Harrison is called in to talk Colton off the ledge. Or at least talk him into taking the van back to the hotel in ALGARVE.
- PSYCHE! You have to talk to Chris outside of the van before they will drive you to the sanctuary of your hotel.
- Colton ugly cries to Harrison. He’s not enough, but he’s okay. What doesn’t kill him makes him stronger, right? However, he will be hanging up his bachelor reigns since Cassie dumped him. He. Is. Done.
OHCH: The question everyone is asking: Is Colton still a virgin?
Lincee: No one is asking that.
- The next day, Harrison checks on his young squire. Colton moans about how his life is so sucky right now. Two women love him, but the one he wants to marry is upset that two other women are in the picture.
- Hey Colton — that’s not the problem. Cassie never said that. She said she couldn’t get there. It has nothing to do with time. SOMEONE STEER THIS BOY IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
OHCH: Bottom line: What if she’s just not that into you?
Lincee: Harsh! But I’ll allow it.
Colton: I feel like I have a good gut instinct. I think she loves me.
Colton’s spiritual gift is not discernment.
- Colton tells the camera that he is a fighter. He is not going to give up on the love of his life! Cassie is his lobster and he’s been so lonely since she’s been gone. You know, for those twelve hours. He’s willing to risk EVERYTHING because of love. He knows what he needs to do!
- We don’t know what that is necessarily, but before he can grand gesture his beloved, there’s the teeny tiny problem of Tayshia and Hannah. Strings must be cut. This is going to hurt.
- Tayshia answers the door and looks legitimately surprised to see Colton on the other side. Instead of speaking, he pulls her into a bear hug, sniffs her hair, and tries to slow the rhythm of his heart, which we can hear through his microphone.
- Colton drones on about being honest and ends the conversation with, “I love Cassie.” Tayshia asks for a private audience inside without the cameras.
- THERE ARE NO RULES!
- Colton follows her inside and neither turn their microphones off. Amateurs.
- Colton begins to dry heave and Tayshia is the one who consoles him. Then she begins to cry and he cries harder. Again, this is all we hear as we stare at Tayshia’s door decorations. She was in bungalow four if you care to know.
- The producers make them crack the door so they can shoot their final hug good-bye.
- Back in the studio, Tayshia looks divine in a sparkly dress. She admits that Colton hurt her, but that’s okay.
- When Colton arrives to sit on the hot seat with her, she thanked him for pushing her outside of her comfort zone. She’s a better person because of it.
- Essentially, it’s the same speech they gave Hannah B for Women Tell All.
- Poor Hannah G’s breakup is next. She has no idea what is coming as she journals her thoughts and feelings.
- She super surprised by Colton’s presence, hence the fact that her hair has not been brushed. Colton begins the tough conversation with a few compliments. Hannah has been his rock. Hannah is like home. Hannah helps him through all of the things. But he can’t be in love with two people.
- Hannah thinks she is the one he CAN be in love with. AWKARD!
- Colton spells it out for her: I love Cassie.
- Instead of sadness, little Hannah has hot tears of rage welling in her eyes. She feels sick. This is wrong. And when she asks Colton what happened, he does not have an answer.
- Then Hannah gives him the what-for which makes Colton cry ugly, snotty tears. She’s angry and embarrassed. She thought they had a chance! She was excited for him to meet her family. And ready to move wherever! Excited to explore his… SHE WAXED FOR THIS!
- Colton spews a fresh round of ugly tears and pulls her in for a bear hug, sniffs her hair, and cries again when Hannah pulls away from him.
- He doesn’t want her to feel like she is second place, yet he’s terrified that he made the wrong decision. He’s giving up on a woman who loves him. How can he walk away from someone who loves him?
- BECAUSE YOU LOVE CASSIE, DUDE. THAT’S HOW.
- Then he pulls a Pseudo Mesnick, only because there was no balcony or railing with which to lean.
- Later, he pulls a Leaning Tower of Mesnick against a wall while he cries. It’s the first of its kind and one of the more exciting things we saw last night!
- Back in the studio, Hannah shows off her Botox, upper lip collagen, and bronzer. She’s wearing her mom’s old prom dress from the 90s. VINTAGE!!!
- Hannah tells Harrison that watching the package was not fun. We take her word for it since her face is unwilling to gives us any clues.
- She’s also annoyed that she got the first impression rose, but didn’t get Uncle Neil’s ring at the end.
- The word “home” is dead to her.
- Sadly, she’s more confused now, after watching the show. She’s still raw and emotional and is ready to face the svelte young man with the new hairdo who broke her heart.
- Of course she doesn’t have feelings for Colton anymore. Duh.
- When Colton comes out, Hannah peppers him with questions. Did he ever love her? Why did he ask her dad for permission if he wasn’t going to propose? Why did he give everyone else a chance and not her? She could have rocked his world had he gone on his date with her in the sweet countryside of ALGARVE.
- Colton thinks her questions are fair. He double talks his way around and finally lands with his favorite answer: I love Cassie.
- PS: He didn’t want to lose Cassie because she is the best thing in the world and deserves to be fought for!
- Poor Hannah. That was hard to hear. What’s worse is the question she asked next: What went wrong?
- HE FELL IN LOVE WITH CASSIE. DID YOU NOT WATCH THE SHOW?
- Hannah leaves Colton with two deep realities: 1. He did to her what Cassie did to him. 2. The hardest thing to hear was that he was thinking about Cassie when he was with other women. Ouch.
- Hannah’s final point is that she deserves someone who will jump a fence for her. Not pull a Mesnick.
- Since there are no women left on the show, Harrison pulls up yahoos from Becca’s season and good old Ben Higgins. Garrett, Jason, and Blake give their two cents. No one cares, excluding the ones who are currently Goggling trying to figure out how they know these faces.
- Harrison rolls the footage of tonight’s episode, which features Cassie packing her bags. SO SHE HASN’T LEFT PORTUGAL?
- All of my theories have officially been thrown out the window.
- What will Colton do? Will he knock on her door? Will he follow her to California?
- And finally, the biggest question according to Harrison: IS COLTON STILL A VIRGIN?
- Again, no one cares.
I apologize for my lack of community in my comments section. A sweet reader informed me that there are all sorts of spoilers and since this person knows I don’t do spoilers, I’ve stayed away. But I will come back after tonight and engage!
So sound off! Let’s see how Cassie handles the grand gesture!