I’ve been following The Bachelor since the beginning. I was the dork who was all about watching two strangers fall in love in six weeks on national television. The show debuted seventeen years ago this March. And in those seventeen years, there was only one ocassion when I didn’t get to watch the show because a thunderstorm caused the electricity to go out. 

Until last night. 

It was jarring to hear through social media and text messages that our local ABC affiliate had switched to live coverage of a shooting about an hour before the show started. Police officers were gunned down after serving a drug warrant.

It was all very concerning. 

Once officials addressed the media, and we felt the situation was under control, Stephanie saved the day by bringing over her TV antenna. Old school for the win!

It took a while to set it up and find the illusive “channel 13.1” which sounded like an urban legend, but Stephanie and Lara prevailed. We had to do some pretty significant yoga poses and all wear aluminum foil hats, but the picture would pop up every once in a while. 

WHY IS DEMI CRYING?
WHAT DID COURTNEY DO?
DID A MUPPET DIE TO MAKE CAELYN’S FANCY PINK FEATHER DRESS?

Once Todd figured out that he could hold up the antenna by the window for a clearer picture, all was right with the world. Until we realized Todd couldn’t move an inch lest we lose precious minutes of the feed. 

I positioned myself so he could rest his elbow on my head. And we all held our breath and stood very still for about twenty minutes, willing the picture to remain unscrambled and the volume to persevere. 

There’s only one woman who could be responsible for our sketchy reception…

A big thanks to @tckaiser16, who had been following the hoopla on InstaStories, for letting us know that KHOU was back to regularly scheduled programming. Otherwise, we would all be sore and walking around like decrepit turtles this morning! 

Riddle: What can make someone The Bachelor scream with endless glee
Answer: Our Host Chris Harrison calling Hannah B. by the name Caelyn.

Riddle: What can make a bunch of women on The Bachelor scream with endless glee?
Answer: The announcement that they are going to Singapore!

No one knows where this country is located, which proves that not everyone in America read or saw Crazy Rich Asians.

Luckily, the handy animated map is back and ready to teach those who are geographically challenged how to locate Singapore among all of the countries on the other side of the world.

The scene switches to Colton, who is super pumped about “the lights and the buildings and stuff” while the women enthusiastically OMG their posh suite at the Fairmont while sipping fruity umbrella drinks. The first date card arrives and the air is sucked out of the room. Elyse announces that Tayshia has been invited to fall in love with Colton the next day. 

Hannah Bama: I’m so frustrated. I know what happens on those one-on-one dates. They will have a good time and probably hold hands while riding horses. And since I am a decent human being, I will warn Tayshia to be prepared to toast their time together. Because nothing says Miss Congeniality like helping your fellow contestants along in this toxic environment of competition. Of course, if your name is Caelyn, all bets are off. You deserve nothing but evil stares and wicked witch laughs in your honor. Here’s to world peace, everybody! 

Nice.

The morning video testimony is back and Colton is excited to have a one-on-one with Tayshia because their relationship isn’t as far along as he had hoped. Speaking of hope, he’s really crossing his fingers that they don’t die on their date. Good talk.

Tayshia is so cute. In several ways. Her darling white shorts, flimsy silk maroon top, and white shoes (that are probably something more fashionable than KEDS, but still look like KEDS) scream fun and whimsy. She also thinks that “falling” in a date set in Singapore can only mean waterfalls.

Adorable. 

Anytime the word “fall” appears on a date card, you know you are about to scale down something, or dive into something, or plunge over something. How else are you supposed to conquer your fear with a relative stranger and bond over how that exercise is the same as taking a leap of faith to find love? 

Waterfalls. Sweet, sweet Tayshia. 

Colton takes her bungee jumping, or bungy jumping if you’re in Singapore. He’s never done it before, claiming that in his previous career, he didn’t do anything dangerous. Judging by the wicked shade of green tinting his entire face, I’d say the boy is deathly afraid of heights. But he signed his life away to ABC and the show must go on or he’ll be held in breech of his contract. Again, how else will he ever bond with Tayshia if he doesn’t.

I was fully prepared for them to lock our two possible lovebirds together so they could jump, experience near death, and celebrate their aliveness by kissing upside down as the cord sways them to and fro. This did not happen. 

Colton was pushed off first by himself, hurtling downward at a concerning speed to the waiting swimming pool below. Clever. The water can cushion the blow if this thing goes south. Unfortunately, the concrete holding the water is not as buoyant.

Don’t worry about it. Carpe diem and stuff. Yolo or whatever. 

Colton doesn’t calculate the kinetic energy in his weight that would force the elastic strands in the bungee cord to pull him back up, therefore taking him on a second, albeit shorter drop. 

I’m not sure if I used any of those terms correctly. All the science I know comes from watching The Big Bang Theory.

Highlights From Colton’s Jump

• He tells Tayshia he thinks he’s going to die.
• He kisses her for luck and realizes that’s weird to have the stranger be the last one he kisses.
• He asks her to tell his mother that he loves her and to tell the gymnast that she is his one true love.
• He almost pukes.
• He says a quick prayer and screams like a banshee all the way down. 

Colton doesn’t die and starts shouting encouragement to Tayshia from down below.

Colton: GO TAYSHIA! I’m right here with you!
Lincee: Actually, she was right there with you. You are on solid ground not dead. Not the same.

Highlights From Tayshia’s Jump

• Bungee Guy: Are you scared? 
• Tayshia: Uh, yeah. Did you hear him scream like a girl all the way down?
• I’m pretty sure I saw a black modesty box cover her boobs. 

I’ve never bungee jumped. But I have seen it on TV a couple of times and I as I mentioned before. Is it just me, or is it incorrect to jump feet first? Wouldn’t that give you whiplash in your spine? Why did she jump in like a swimming pool? I’m sure she still has a headache this very moment. And she’s probably two inches taller. 

Tayshia and Colton strip it on down by the beach and frolic in the ocean, basking in the euphoria of overcoming their fear together five minutes apart. Things get pretty steamy in the water. Plus, Colton leads with his tongue when making out, which is his tell that he really likes the girl. Tayshia likes him, too.

But she has a secret. She needs to share something about her past that could change everything. She wears her tiniest little black dress to help Colton remember why he likes her before dropping the bomb that she’s divorced. Colton’s face looks weird, which I assume is a result of jet lag and questionable editing choices. Or he ate the pig feet. It’s a three-sided coin toss. 

Colton: Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard. I would never judge you. I’m glad you’re here. Don’t stop being you.

Then they make out and he compliments her sexy smile. After that, he takes her to the Ferris Wheel where Colton nearly kills them again by popping champagne in an enclosed glass container. 

While Tayshia is basking in the last moments of her one-on-one, the date card arrives to take thirteen girls tchotchke shopping. THIRTEEN GIRLS. Writing their names would be a futile exercise. All you need to know is that Caelyn’s name is not on that list, which is the first time Hannah Bama is cursing the day that her arch nemesis’ name is NOT written down on a very important card. 

You see it’s suuuuppppeeeerrrr unfair that Caelyn gets everything. And Hannah Bama knows that it’s only because there’s a rift between her and Miss One of the Carolinas that Colton even wants to have alone time with Caelyn. But no one would ever, ever admit that out loud in a million years.

But Demi isn’t no one. She’s SOMEONE, by golly, and she will voice her irritated opinion that the pageant girls need to get their BLEEP together. In the meantime, the tiny blond will dominate this group date by pretending everyone else is in her entourage. 

Just as Colton tells the camera that he’s uncomfortable with PDA in front of the other women, Demi runs toward him and jumps in his arms. It was a lightweight Jump and Straddle® that he barely felt, but quickly regretted as the other twelve ladies stood in line waiting patiently for their courtesy hug.

Demi immediately hops on his back. I’m not sure if she knew she was there, but the others definitely noticed. Everyone fought for his attention and none were more successful than the girl from Red Oak. This I feel was the beginning of Courtney’s doom spiral.

The first random thing they do in Singapore is leach therapy. It’s exactly what you think it is and just as gross looking. An old lady puts a leach on your body and you watch it suck the toxins out. Colton was the brave first soul to be leached, followed by Sydney and Hannah Bama. Courtney did not participate because she’s convinced the leaches are not FDA approved. 

The next random activity is a fortune teller. Colton invites Cassie to sit with him while all the other women listen. An elderly man tells them that they were brother and sister in a past life. 

Alex, I’ll take “Things you never want to hear on a  date” for a thousand, please.

The last thing the group does together is eat questionable foods. The only three that played the game well were Hannah Bama, who ate a fish eyeball. Havana Nicole who ate everything with this look of, “what?” on her face the entire time. And Onyeka who bragged that she L-O-V-E-S traveling and is an adventurous person before puking up a sour chicken foot in the dumpster out back. 

There was a lot of skin, bare legs, and very few panties at the after party. Hannah Bama is the first to grab him and everyone is mad. THIS IS WEEK FOUR, PEOPLE. GET OVER IT!

Hannah explains that she had a lot of fun when the fish eyeball squirted in her mouth, but she is still concerned that he questions her character. The fact that he might not trust her is very scary and she wants to make sure they are okay.

Colton smiles and assures her that things are fine. He was hard on her because he was frustrated. And he was frustrated because he really, really likes her. He’s really excited that the “old Hannah” is back and it proves it by leading with his tongue.

Incredible. The leaches worked! They sucked the toxins right out of Hannah! 

Cassie is up next and she nips this whole “you could be sisters” thing in the bud by making sure his hand is right around where her skirt’s slit ends (read: her hip) and reminding him of their undeniable chemistry. We clearly don’t see Cassie all the time because we would all know how much he likes her. 

While Cassie makes out with her past life brother, Courtney bemoans about the fact that she still hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Colton. She’s playing the “waiting patiently and being respectful” game and is losing miserably.

Out of the blue, Demi encourages Courtney to just go for it because this weakling in front of her is not who Courtney is and she should bask in her confidence because she’s a great gal! Stop being so lazy and get in the game! 

Solid advice from the pocket person. 

Demi shows her how it’s done by stealing Colton away to share her super secret story. Guess what? Mama’s out of federal prison and she’s so glad Mama is no longer “stuck in a place she doesn’t wanna be.” FYI: She loves Mama unconditionally and Mama loves her right back. 

She wipes away an invisible tear and this is how Colton responds:

Colton: Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard. I would never judge you. I’m glad you’re here. Don’t stop being you.

Then they make out and he compliments her family loyalty.

Later Courtney continues to complain to anyone who will listen. Demi suggests again that she needs to do something about it. Just act. Don’t make excuses. Don’t just sit there. 

When Courtney remains seated, Demi shows her how it’s done a second time. She thanks Colton for being so cool about her jailbird Mama. While she’s giggling upstairs, Sydney warns Courtney she better get going because some people are already double dipping. And some people’s name is Demi.

Oh no she didn’t!

Wait. What am I writing? This is ALL on Courtney. But for some reason, she lays into Demi for a second round with Colton when she didn’t have one. Demi defends herself by staring back at Courtney with a “so what” look on her face.

AS SHE SHOULD.

Courtney: I don’t understand what you just did.
Demi: What don’t you understand?

Courtney: You acted like you were genuinely concerned.
Demi: I was. I told you what to do and you didn’t do it.

Courtney: How old are you again? Your actions and your behavior solidify your maturity level.
Demi: WE ARE THE SAME AGE YOU BLEEP! 
Courtney: Well, at least I respect myself and carry myself with a little bit of class.

Demi responds in two ways: 1.) She flips Courtney off. 2.) She plans Courtney’s demise. 

When Colton gives Demi the rose, Courtney runs to the bathroom to hyperventilate. Demi sways her rose around, declaring that haters gonna hate and then describes in great detail what cloud nine feels like because she is sitting directly on it. Also, suck it Courtney. 

Just when you think these women couldn’t get any more catty, an Asian version of Chris Harrison arrives the next morning to give Caelyn a date cate that insinuates she will be the coveted winner of the infamous Pretty Woman date. Four different girls cry at this news. 

Caelyn smiles and waves to them all, shouting, “I love you guys!” before meeting up with Colton. He is excited to take her shopping because she deserves it. And he knows he wants to splurge his money one someone special. They clink champagne glasses and I laugh at the fact that Colton thinks this is his money when we all know ABC is playing for that man to sell Colton a knock-off of J-Lo’s Grammy dress from nineteen years ago.

The shopping lasts forever and Colton loves seeing Caelyn in all the different ball gowns, because every girl needs at least ten ball gowns in her closet. Miss Middle Carolina admits that she doesn’t need anything materialistic, as long as she has Colton, but looks pretty happy rocking an outfit that simultaneously showcases her side boob and matching abs. We even have our first hoist and straddle which is a distant cousin of the Jump and Straddle®. 

Naturally ABC loads Caelyn down with all her shopping bags and packages and makes her walk into the hotel where all the girls are gathered. She shows them the shoes Colton picked out for her and three of them take to their bed. 

She wears one of the dresses that night to have dinner with Colton. Then the episode takes a traumatic turn. We learn that Caelyn was sexually assaulted when she was in college and has struggled with the aftermath for many years. Colton handled the news well and she appreciated his understanding. He looked her straight in the eyes and told her that she would always be safe with him. Then he admired her strength. 

Well done. 

Then he hands her the date rose before making out on a bridge. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Hannah G. comes out of the gate in a bold way and invites herself to his hotel room where they end up rolling around in the bed in a horizontal fashion. Then, because she’s sweet and innocent, she helps him smooth the bed afterward. 

The pageant girls make up with each other in the hallway. Sort of. Caelyn instigates the talk and asks Hannah Bama to let bygones be bygones. No they won’t be besties, but can’t they just be civil? Hannah Bama agrees to bury the hatchet since she and Colton have such a strong relationship. Remember, she’s saying this to the woman who is holding a rose. 

Courtney continues to be shocked by the fact that everyone is playing this like a game. Pay no attention to the roses that are handed out to the winners at the end of the night. 

Demi begins to unveil her plan by telling Colton that Courtney attacked her and that she is “the cancer of the group.” BTW – don’t waste time on her. 

Coincidentally, Courtney walks in a few minutes later, only to find out that she’s cancerous and that she attacked Demi. She immediately launches into a defense and talks about how Demi is the villain in this scenario. She tries to tell Colton that Demi is only here because it’s a TV show, but the damage has been done. Colton gives her a side hug (the horror) and leaves. 

Courtney then marches out to the group and asks the women, “Who here thinks I am the cancer of the group?”

Demi raises her hand. This is the best show EVER.

Roses go to everyone, excluding poor Tracy and of course Courtney. Demi appears pleased with herself that she killed two birds with one stone. She got rid of the old lady and removed the cancer in one fail swoop. 

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again: She’s a master.