Bachelor Colton Recap: Rocky Mountain Sabotage
Although there was a bit of a “same song, second verse” theme throughout last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I do feel that the producers worked hard to create significant drama leading up to hometown dates.
Let’s begin with the dreaded video testimony. Bless it. Colton is back in his hometown, thankful to have culled his roster down to seven lovely ladies. It should be pointed out that our boy is on the brink of a nervous breakdown. How do I know? Because of his Blair Witch-style videography approach. It was the exact same, except Colton prefers to be shot in color.
- There’s a light sheen of sweat on his brow.
- The camera angle is down below his chin, forcing us to look up his nose.
- The phone constantly shakes as he testifies under his bed sheets.
- A lone tear falls down his cheek when he remembers Katie, Sydney, and Demi’s warning:
“WATCH OUT, COLTON. THERE ARE PEOPLE STILL HERE WHO AREN’T READY FOR MARRIAGE.”
Colton wants to trust his gut, but it’s full of weird Asian foods that gave him the runs. He ducks out to visit his favorite barber for a fresh haircut and to find a jade roller so he can work some of the extra water weight out of his face. Then he heads over to the local malt shop and bellies up to the bar with Bachelor Nation’s favorite Peter Brady lookalike, Ben Higgins.
Colton verbal vomits all over sweet Ben. Our current bachelor is exhausted in all the ways: emotionally, physically, and mentally. He looks to his raven-haired hero to give him some sage advice. Ben slaps him on the back and demands the youngster BUCK UP. It only gets worse from here.
I like Ben Higgins Brady, I really do. But isn’t the pep talk Our Host Chris Harrison’s job? Is The Hare too busy lingering around red carpet events as the plus one of his Entertainment Tonight hottie girlfriend to mold the minds of young men who don’t have a handle on how to properly juggle seven women at a time? Say it ain’t so.
Meanwhile, the ladies are nervous because they “don’t know where Colton’s head is at.”
A. It’s above his neck.
B. Let’s not end a sentence with the word “at,” okay?
The ladies all walk in a long line, hand-in-hand, down a grassy hill where they meet Colton and his adorably old dog. Colton watches to see which ones bend down to properly introduce themselves to the canine and which avoid Fido like the plague.
To Hannah B.’s defense, she only sidestepped the dog in fear that his paws would snag her ebony gossamer top she purchased from the “cold torso” section of Forever XXI.
Before anyone can steal Colton away to snuggle on a blanket under a tree, Colton announces that the dates are beginning RIGHT NOW. He takes Tayshia’s hand and helps her scale the clover-filed knoll in her high heels.
Six girls stand in a line irritated. The only thing left to do is play Red Rover or fly a kite. And since they don’t have paper and paste, Red Rover wins.
After Colton and Tayshia eat oysters, drink wine, and dine on huge servings of ice cream, the ABC Producers pick the loudest, most acoustically challenged environment for Tayshia to conveniently throw two fellow housemates under the bus.
She didn’t want to throw them under the bus, but she can’t lie to Colton either. There’s a big difference.
Here’s the gist: Colton has been caught off guard that so many women have warned him that some ladies may not be here for the right reasons (right reasons). Who cares about Sydney or Demi. Katie, on the other hand, is a saint. She would never make something up so scandalous. He knows Tayshia isn’t one of the women with whom Katie was speaking (nice move, Colt), but he wonders if Katie and Tayshia ever spoke of the alleged player?
Ironically, at this exact same moment, Cassie and Caelynn snuggle up on the bed to have a girl chat about Tayshia’s date and if Colton would try to figure out who is not here for the right reasons. Both know Tayshia couldn’t say anything about them because SHE DOESN’T KNOW THEM.
Cue Tayshia confessing to Colton that Cassie and Caelynn aren’t genuine contenders. Not only are they already battling it out to see who will be the next bachelorette, but they both said they would reject Colton if he dropped to one knee at the end of this journey. PS: They are already projecting which parties they will hit up after the show and which companies will consider them as worthy potential social media influencers.
This is when the color drains from Colton’s face. He tells Tayshia that he’s terrified of her assessment and that this new unveiled truth scares the SH!$ out of him.
That was not an exaggeration. The next scene shows Colton in the alley behind the very loud local common area bending over, issuing forth the worst sound ever, evidently losing his SH!$.
Tayshia’s not a moron. She’s a twenty-eight-year-old phlebotomist for heaven’s sake. She has to know that she’s currently not a contender, otherwise, why would this news TERRIFY him if he considering choosing her the end? It’s time to turn up the heat.
Colton takes Tayshia to his house. I use “his house” loosely because Colton either lives in a model home, or they made him take every personal thing off the walls and flat surfaces as not to distract the viewers. I will say that the dog seemed comfortable on the couch.
Colton, who loooooooves to cook, makes dinner, teaches the woman who works with needles all day long how to chop, and asks about Tayshia’s family. Newsflash: Her daddy is probably not going to like Colton, so he better mentally prepare now for lots of hard questions. Never fear, though. It’s only because he is protective over her. Daddy wants to see his little girl in a happy healthy relationship. This is good enough for Colton. He gives her the rose and they begin making out.
Interesting. Tayshia is comparing a relationship born from The Bachelor as both “happy” and “healthy.” I think it’s time she cut dairy from her diet.
Colton takes Tayshia to “his bedroom” and points to the bed, claiming, “This is where the magic doesn’t happen.” Did anyone else envision a bumper sticker for headboards? CALL ETSY! I HAVE AN IDEA!
In keeping with the “turn up the heat” strategy, Tayshia steals a conveniently placed football jersey out of Colton’s wardrobe, pairs it with her sensible slacks, and slinks into the bedroom wearing her best sultry face. He pulls her down onto the bed. They may not make any magic, but they certainly do things the memory foam mattress won’t forget.
Tayshia’s going to hometowns, everyone! How do we fell about it?
Following a lackluster Jump and Straddle™ (I blame the altitude,) Colton attempts to teach Caelynn how to snowboard. After multiple crash landings, he puts her out of her physical misery in lieu of mental misery.
Colton: So Tayshia told me that it’s you who isn’t ready for an engagement.
Lincee: Look! It’s pageant training at its finest!
Colton: Yeah. She also said that you are vying to be the next bachelorette.
Caelynn: Whooooo meeeeeeee? [followed by animated princess batting of eyelashes]
Lincee: Pull back, Miss Carolina. You’re losing him. Turn on the waterworks.
Caelynn tries to squeeze out a few tears, but the heat from her hidden anger evaporates them before proper weeping can commence. She’s flustered on many levels, but wants Colton to know that she is hundo p ready for marriage. Additionally, Tayshia tells lies.
The camera then switches to a talking head of Caelynn. And we see a side of her we have never seen before. It’s Miss Congeniality’s rude cousin Miss Hostility.
Caelynn: None of that ever BLEEPING left my mouth. I can’t believe my BLEEPING future may on the line because of a BLEEPING insecure twenty-eight-year-old. I better get a BLEEPING rose or I will call that stupid BLEEP out.
To quote my friend Stephanie, the blurred mouth BLEEP is the new modesty black box. Let’s put it into the pantheon with pineapple and pulling a Mesnick.
Caelynn knows she has to make a grand gesture in order to secure her long-stemmed bud. She plays several cards during dinner. There’s the “I hate this is so hard for you” card followed by the “especially before hometowns” card. Then she butters him up with a hearty dose of compliments before dropping “I’m falling in love with you.”
Colton tells Caelynn he’s falling in love with her, too, and gives her the rose. Then they crash country music sensation (is that accurate?) Brett Young’s soundcheck at Red Rock Amphitheater where they “dance” under the stars.
The next day, Caelynn tells the camera that she hates confrontation. The camera immediately follows her to confront Tayshia for throwing her under the bus.
Tayshia’s Defense: He asked me and I told the truth. I never would have offered that information on my own because I’m not a tattletale.
Caelynn’s Retort: I thought we were friends! You are just BLEEPING fake and nasty. And you have no idea what I feel. Only I can know that, you BLEEP.
Hannah Beast is the lucky girl who gets to meet Colton’s parents like it’s a hometown date, but not really. She chooses to wear a crop top on this very important occasion. Hannah B. smiles from ear to ear the entire time, stoked that Colton wouldn’t take just anyone home to meet both sets of parents.
Colton’s face gives it away. Even Hannah B. knows something is wrong, but she remains eager. Just like a baby on the way to the pediatrician.
Since they didn’t ask her to perform a toast, Hannah B. charms the pants off of everyone in the room, spouting phrases like “the experience was appealing” and “good heart” and “world peace.” While Hannah B. gabs all things engagement to Colton’s mom, Colton seeks advice from his dad. Echoing one Peter Brady Ben Higgins, Dad counsel’s his son to buck up and trust his gut.
Dad: It’s a good gut. It’s always been good. Now wipe away those tears and go get her!
Colton: But who is “her?” That’s my problem, Dad. Who do I pick?
Dad: I’m contractually obligated to be vague, Colt, but I say go for a blonde. Not the one in the living room talking to your mother, though.
That night, Hannah B. arrives in my mom’s pink silk robe from 1963. Think Galinda the Good Witch. (The “gah” is silent.) She drones on and on and on about how she loves his family and how she knows they loved her and speaking of love, remember how she already said she loves him? Remember that? Remember?
Colton thanks her for admiring his family, professing her adoration, and dressing like cotton candy. Then he tells her that his feelings do not match hers at the moment. He doesn’t want to shake her father’s hand and ask him permission to be Mr. Miss Alabama.
Once again, the pageant training kicks in and Hannah B. plasters on a smile that sort of conveys she understands and is above such things. Once in the rejection SUV, she curses Colton for not recognizing that she is clearly the best choice. Then she takes the bobby-pins from her hair and punches holes in the voodoo doll of Caelynn the ABC Psychotherapist gives her as a coping mechanism.
See you in Paradise, Hannah Beast! Here’s hoping your boob mic doesn’t show all season long!
The leftovers, Hannah G., Cassie, Been Kissed Heather, and Kirpa head on the Hogwarts express to be sorted into houses. Hannah G. is Hufflepuff, Heather is Ravenclaw, Cassie is Gryffindor, and Kirpa is Slytherin all the way.
Two roses rest on a wooden tray in the middle of the wilderness, mocking all four women who sit at watch it in silence. Heather is the first to get some alone time with our bachelor and she immediately removes herself from the equation. She is not ready to take him to her family and would like to take the first train ride back home where she plans on kissing anyone with lips now that Colton has fully opened that can of worms.
Colton is not distressed at all. In fact, he embraces the reality that he has found the one who is not ready for marriage. Hooray! He sends Heather on her way, waving frantically good-bye as she pretends to brood on the back of the caboose.
Now it’s time to have his official come to Jesus meeting with Cassie. Surely she’s not just in this for the InstaFame, right? Colton gives her the skinny on what Tayshia said Katie said and Cassie is shocked. Note that she does not cry any real tears, but she does profess her love for the bachelor and begs him to accept that she is indeed here for the right reasons. And those reasons are love, marriage, and babies. Fur babies or real babies. Whatever he wants.
Colton hugs Cassie and then selects Kirpa, hoping she’ll want to hop the train back home, too, so he doesn’t have to make any more hard decisions. Instead, he gets an earful of how Cassie isn’t ready for marriage.
Oh the horror! Is this news going to scare the SH!$ out of Colton again? Let’s find out…
Kirpa: I don’t want you to be blindsided. I have concerns about Cassie and Caelynn.
Colton: My tummy! It burns.
Lincee: Hold up, Kirpa. Didn’t you say you wouldn’t sabotage Cassie unless he brought it up?
Kirpa: After you gave your speech when Katie left, they acted weird.
Colton: Where’s the nearest bathroom? My gut is retaliating against me!
Lincee: Kirpa seems awfully comfortable in the Friend Zone.
Kirpa heads back to the staging area in the wilderness and lies to Cassie, claiming that Colton asked about Vietnam. They bicker back and forth. From what I gathered through context clues, here’s why Katie, Kirpa, and Tayshia have such a problem with Cassie and Caelynn: When Colton addresses the ladies after Katie’s initial warning, he tells them he is disappointed that three women have alerted him about ladies not being ready for marriage. Upon this news, Caelynn and Cassie both cry.
The tears are translated as red flags. Some women think Caelynn and Cassie are crying because they are afraid Colton is going to find out that they are the guilty party — the women who are not ready. Caelynn and Cassie say they were crying because they thought Colton was going to abandon the show.
It’s a classic case of she said, she said, I don’t care.
Colton decides that this decision is too big to make right now, so he takes the two roses and leaves the three women wondering what’s going to happen next. He wants to head into the evening to continue certain conversations. And maybe jump a fence.
That night, the three remaining ladies go to dinner. There are three place settings on one side of the round table and one setting on the other. The women file in and take their spots at the table. Hannah G. is careful to sit in the middle of Cassie and Kirpa. No one looks at another.
Colton saunters in and asks for Hannah G. to join him outside. In an unprecedented move, ABC chooses NOT to show Colton’s conversation with Hannah. Instead, the camera stays with Kirpa and Cassie sitting in the most awkward silence of all time. A good forty-five seconds goes by before Colton returns to GRAB ONE OF THE ROSES!
I may have stood up.
Colton talks to Kirpa next. They exchange their pink notebook, which I assume is some sort of journal back and forth situation, and then they make out. He’s careful not to touch her tender chin.
While Kirpa is attacked by Colton’s tongue, and Cassie sits alone in her crimson romper in silence, Hannah is sent back to the house so she can tell Tayshia and Caelynn that Cassie and Kipra are in a big fight. All hell is breaking loose over in the mansion located just up the hill north from here about a mile on the left.
Caelynn walks up the hill north from here about a mile and enters the mansion on the left. She waltzes by Cassie and Kirpa, straight up the stairs. Neither woman knows what it doing on, but I’m sure someone wants to lose her SH!$.
Caelynn tells Colton that it’s natural for girls to talk other girls down. She would hate for him to send the wrong girl home. Clearly Cassie deserves the rose and Kirpa deserves a swift kick in the chin again.
Colton listens and gives Cassie the rose.
We are heading into hometown dates. Here’s what we know:
Tayshia’s dad will probably hate Colton.
Caelynn may be here for the wrong reasons.
Cassie may be here for the wrong reasons.
Hannah G. is wisely keeping her mouth shut.
Who is telling the truth? Have your allegiances changed? Is Hannah G. in the lead? Or is Cassie still a contender even though she may want to be InstaFamous? AND WHERE WAS THE FENCE JUMP? Sound off in the comments!