Bachelor Colton Finale: Colton has a girlfriend and we have a bachelorette!

It was touch and go there for a while during the two hour FINAL season finale of Bachelor Colton’s journey to find a wife. Sure he settled for a girlfriend, but there was all sorts of drama, according to Our Host Chris Harrison, that led to Colton’s decision to be cool with a girl who doesn’t really like him that way but is willing to travel around the continental US to convince people like Jimmy Kimmel and the entire gang over at Good Morning America that there might be a chance that could change.

Perhaps in ten years, but nobody’s is counting and nobody seems to care. Details.

In my podcast intro of this episode, I admitted that I was disappointed in the show. We were promised a roller coaster of emotion and instead, were taken on a lazy log ride with one big dip at the end.

The dip, of course, was a super special performance by Air Supply. For those of you too young to know Air Supply, they are the Dan + Shay without the arithmetic mark and lean more Lite FM than country. They are like a wayward cowboy riding a mechanical bull— enjoyed occasionally and at a distance. It’s like Bella staring in awe at a glistening Edward in the meadow.

That last one got away from me. Moving on.

By now you’ve heard all of the good stuff because we technically all knew the good stuff three weeks ago when Colton jumped a fence for Cassie. But there are a few moments I would like to point out that may have been overlooked by the untrained eye.

  • Our Host Chris Harrison teased all night long that we would soon learn what everyone has been wondering since the beginning of time: Is Colton still a virgin?
  • We have not been wondering that. Gross.
  • Of course he’s still a virgin.
  • At least I think he was still a virgin after fantasy suites.
  • We may never know because Colton is a gentleman and gentleman never kiss and tell.
  • They just go on reality shows and date thirty women at a time, tongue kissing anyone who claims to be falling in love with him, and sharing with at least two women they they are “the one.”
  • Who feels duped?
  • I’m confident Cassie wore a crotch-snap bodysuit with her mom jeans when Colton came by her bungalow to confess that the other two women were gone. GONE I SAY!

via GIPHY

  • Colton promises that there are no expectations. They don’t have to get engaged right now. She doesn’t have to date him right now. She can take her time to figure out if she loves him. And oh, by the way, she gets a free trip to Spain if she’s cool with meeting his family.
  • Cassie asks if Colton is sure and double, triple checks that Colton won’t blame her if this tryst does not work out in the end. He concedes. Let’s get a stamp in that passport!
  • Colton preps the family by first joking that he’s no longer a virgin. His brother screams “I KNEW IT” followed by a forlorn look of disappointment when Colton sheepishly grins and says, “Just kidding.”
  • Now that the family has been through that particular range of emotion, Colton tells them that traditionally at this point they would be meeting two ladies, but he went rogue, tossed the rulebook out the window, and chose one woman who is the woman that will join them this Easter for deviled eggs and frivolity.
  • Mom is skeptical at best. Dad looks for the silver lining and finds one that is a murky brown.
  • Colton runs out to get his beloved and finds Cassie crying at the thought of his parents hating her because she is unsure. Guess what? They hate her because she is unsure. Mom wants to know why she bailed on her baby boy. Dad wants to know if Colton remembers how the gymnast broke his heart a few years ago.

Dad: Are you in love with Cassie?
Colton: Yes.

Dad: Is Cassie in love with you?
Colton: No. But when she walked away, I knew I didn’t want to lose her.

Dad: Are you sure your decision wasn’t based on wanting what you don’t have?
Lincee: Ahhhh, a healthy question. Way to go dad.
Colton: I love Cassie. Someone find me a fence and I’ll prove it to you.

  • Colton’s dad cries. I get it. I want to cry too because Colton tells the camera that he is literally giving his heart to Cassie. Literally? Literally giving your heart to Cassie? You are a thousand percent wrong, my dear boy.
  • They spend the day together, asking each other questions like, “What’s your favorite type of music?’ Then they repel down the side of a mountain to prove that love knows no boundaries. There is no safety net in life. You have to trust your partner to be there, beside you, for any and all adventures.
  • This would have been a lot easier if Colton hadn’t been wearing dress shoes.
  • Additionally, the ordeal of getting down to the part where the picnic was laid out was all for naught. What a joke! It was a couple of seat cushions and a towel for goodness sake. Again, I say to the ABC producers, LET THE ABC INTERN COME WITH YOU ON INTERNATIONAL TRIPS.
  • While perching on her pillow, Cassie tells Colton that her college boyfriend started to control her and she’s been leery of entering a relationship since. They are stifling. I find it convenient that she never mentioned this guy before. Could she be building a defense when she bails in the future? Time will tell.
  • Colton starts to kiss her, leading with the tongue, and invites her to dinner where they eventually forgo their individual room keys to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite, since they never made it to that part in Portugal.
  • They make out on the bed a little bit before Colton kicks everyone out, presumably to get freaky.
  • The scene switches to Sydney, Onyeka, Demi, The Goose, Jason, and Ben Higgins gathered around Harrison to discuss Colton’s sex life. Heaven help us all.
  • The Goose. Really?
  • After ten minutes of filler, those folks leave and Colton and Cassie join Harrison on the stage. Her pant suit was the stuff nightmares are made of.
  • Never fear. They are super in love and taking it one day at a time! Of course Colton moved out to LA to be with Cassie because we all know who wears the pantsuit in that family. She’s quick to point out that they aren’t rushing anything.
  • Then we have to sit through a video journal of Cassie telling Colton that she thinks he’s really cool. He gives her the final rose and Harrison hops up to introduce the one and only Air Supply! Colton and Cassie sway while everyone watches and wonders — Air Supply? Really?
  • They leave the stage and Colton is immediately fit for his first costume on Dancing with the Stars which inevitably will be a salsa to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”
  • With thirty minutes left in the show, Harrison decides now is the time to drop the bomb that Hannah B. is the new bachelorette.
  • Caelynn was not available for comment on this news.
  • Unfortunately, Hannah is incapable of forming a sentence. And we thought her inability to think of a toast was bad. Bless her heart.
  • Poor Harrison had to come in and save her several times. Particularly because he trotted out five dudes who will be vying or Hannah’s love. Say hello to the Chach Parade!
  • Meet Luke #1: He’s a douche.
  • Meet Dustin: This guy, who sports a nose stud and hands her a champagne flute so they can toast the new season. He’s a dummy.
  • Meet Cam: Cam started off great and then things escalated downhill at a rapid pace when he started rapping. He’s a dork.
  • Meet Connor: He’s a ten-foot tall drink of water who brought Hannah a stool to step on so they could see eye-to-eye. He’s darling.
  • Meet Luke #2: He’s a d-word that rhymes with sick.
  • Harrison saunters up to Hannah, to save her from looking like a complete fool, and smiles when she randomly says, “I could hand out a rose right now!”
  • So they do. Harrison grabs a rose, has his assistant fashion it into a boutonniere, and places it on a pedestal for Hannah to hand out.
  • Ten minutes and a lot of silence later, she gives it to the rapper.
  • Her season starts on May 13. Who’s excited?!
Photo By: abc.com
0 0 vote
Article Rating
guest
61 Comments
oldest
newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Alyce
Alyce
1 year ago

I hope Cassie and Colton live happily ever after.

Luke #2 should be sent home. Overtly disgusting in the first 30 seconds is an immediate kick to the curb for me. If Hannah had had articulate responses to the other guys, I would have said that Luke #2 left her speechless because she felt unsafe but didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But everyone left her speechless. So I will just say that Luke #2 clearly made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Boo.

NewMama
NewMama
1 year ago
Reply to  Alyce

Luke #2 was unacceptable, and should have been kicked off the show permanently. IMHO.

Rosa
Rosa
1 year ago

If anyone is on Twitter, search #thebachelor. The gifs related to last night’s finale are priceless!I really like Hannah B and can appreciate her awkwardness, but last night was PAINFUL to watch! Also, I follow Caelynn on Instagram. The past week or so she has been posting A LOT with Cassie’s sister Michelle. I wonder if they were BFF before, or how the heck are they BFF now? Is Caelynn trying to ride their coat tails since she got nothing out of the deal? Colton sure did move to LA fast!? This whole debacle has boosted Cassie in to the… Read more »

Tracey
Tracey
1 year ago
Reply to  Rosa

Colton was already living in LA prior to going on the show. He just grew up in Denver and both sets of parents still live there. I read that Caelynn said she’s been flying to visit Cassie every weekend? It made me wonder if she has a connection to free airline passes? Finally, they had to have talked about her show as Colton was tweeting about it. I believe that’s why she brought up her own virginity on the show but the producers conveniently left out the rest of the conversation (my theory only).

malgorzata
malgorzata
1 year ago
Reply to  Tracey

Huntington Beach, CA. where Cassie lives is 37 miles away from Los Angeles (57 minutes driving time) ; commercial flight takes only 18 minutes , but then Colton needs to follow the check-in and -out routine at the airports, LAX (LA) and Santa Ana (John Wayne Airport) so it takes some two hours extra.

abby
abby
1 year ago

Cassie really started to irk me. It’s not that she doesn’t like Colton–that’s fine if she decided he wasn’t for her. It’s just the way she responded to everything he said and handled the whole situation. Last night didn’t help. I wanted to scream when she came up with a NEW excuse, saying “It’s just a commitment–a relationship is a lot to commit to, and I don’t really like to do that.” WHY DID YOU SIGN UP TO BE ON THE BACHELOR? Ahh! I felt bad for Colton and I think she will break his heart, poor guy. I think… Read more »

Jess
Jess
1 year ago
Reply to  abby

I agree. All I could think during the finale was that Katie and everyone else were right -Cassie is NOT ready!

I also agree Hannah B. was painfully awkward, but also endearing. I think it will be much better when it’s not live tv.

Kris
Kris
1 year ago

Good grief. How many women tried to tell him she’s just in it for the fame? (They said, “not ready,” I say, “fame whore.”) Funny how she never mentioned she is not into ‘being controlled’ or commitment when she signed up for her second reality show featuring a relationship. He is a HUGE idiot and she is going to destroy him.

Cathy
Cathy
1 year ago
Reply to  Kris

I so agree!! Cassie is in it for the fame and she is a terrible actress. Plus watching them on all the ABC shows this morning were so awkward and cringeworthy! He may love her but she’s just not that into him.

Katie L.
Katie L.
1 year ago

Lincee, I don’t think I’ve ever commented on your blog before but I love it, and I especially think your podcasts with SomeGuy are hilarious. Y’all have a good rapport and listening to the two of you have fun is fun for us, too. But I think it’s time to talk about relationship anxiety. I know that everybody assumes Cassie isn’t that into Colton because she couldn’t seem to commit in a convincing way. But listening to her talk, and watching hers and Colton’s gut-wrenching loop-de-loops as they tried to work things out gave me flashbacks to my own courtship… Read more »

Lara
Lara
1 year ago
Reply to  Katie L.

Hi Katie, I have not actually seen this show (disclaimer!) but do read Lincee’s recaps. If I could watch this with a viewing party I might consider it but by myself, just too much. So…. this is not in response to knowing much about Cassie either but just appreciated your perspective. I work in mental health and deal with anxiety myself so all you said makes very good sense. I was watching CH on some show this week and it cracked me up how many times he would say… “Colton was just so in love with Cassie he couldn’t help… Read more »

Laura Jean
1 year ago
Reply to  Katie L.

Thanks for sharing all of this, Katie, as well from you, Lara!!!

greenbeansforever
greenbeansforever
1 year ago
Reply to  Katie L.

Thank you, Katie, for sharing your thoughts. You did a superb job of articulating them. I too have relationship anxiety and had no problems with how Cassie handled herself. If she truly is a “fame whore” as people label her, it would have been easier to accept the ring and earn instant fame as the “winner.” Instead, she backed away to give Colton a shot at being with someone who was more certain of her feelings. I believe Cassie truly does care for Colton. But by being willing to walk away, she earned herself the right to simply enjoy the… Read more »

Sherrie
Sherrie
1 year ago
Reply to  Katie L.

Katie L. I could so relate to what you said, and as a person who has commitment anxiety, I felt every hesitation Cassie had, and it was painful. I too was very hesitant to marry my husband, who is a wonderful man whom I love and trust, but it does take a huge leap of faith for some of us.

Allia
Allia
1 year ago
Reply to  Katie L.

Thanks for sharing, Katie!
Another thought: I wonder if Cassie’s prior experience with reality TV might have added to her anxiety. Sometimes people change when they are on camera, and she’s never known Colton off camera. I could see how that would be confusing for a person in her position. Maybe she also needed time off camera to figure out how she was feeling without all the pressure. They really did seem a lot more happy and relaxed at the after-show.

Emcee
Emcee
1 year ago
Reply to  Katie L.

Yes yes yes yes to all of this. What you wrote is exactly me too, and my process of deciding to marry my wonderful, patient, steadfast, totally beloved husband. I love the phrase “opportunity cost.” Thanks for putting all this into words!! I was so delighted when Colton said, “screw the show, we can do this relationship on our own terms, and you don’t have to rush. I’ll be patient.” That’s such a gift to an anxious over thinker. And totally a Truman Show moment – get out of the boat, Truman! There’s the door! Run free!! Lol.

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx
1 year ago

Color me skeptical. There were quite a few times last night when I felt like what I was watching was scripted. And that Cassie is not a good actress. My “fraud radar” went off every time she covered her mouth or said, “Whaaaaaaat?” And when Colton showed up at her hotel room? She totally knew he was coming. Sorry, but this all rings of second-rate soap opera to me. And soap operas really aren’t first-rate to begin with. A piece of advice for millennials: When you’re meeting your significant other’s family, do not refer to them as “You guys.” OK?… Read more »

lorraine
lorraine
1 year ago

I AM DONE! ABC Jumped the Fence with this season, and I am not watching Hannah B. Love your Recaps!

Dee
Dee
1 year ago
Reply to  lorraine

I gotta agree with you, lorraine. This season with Colton was a huge bomb, and Hannah B. as Bachelorette was a weak pick, at best. Fence = Jumped! I will miss watching the show.

Gen
Gen
1 year ago
Reply to  Dee

Ditto. Thanks for the entertaining recaps and discussions.

AnnieLu
AnnieLu
1 year ago
Reply to  Dee

Me too. I am done with this show ( I’ve watched since the beginning except I missed a few seasons in the middle there, like the winery guy and the tire guy). I had my doubts about Mr. Cheesecake carrying the show and I watched anyway. I regret it (except for reading this blog)!! And Hannah B, I don’t understand why people cheered for her. She lost me way back on her “it’s my birthday frozen smile” date. So I am going to pull my self-respect out of the dumpster and do something else on Monday nights from now on.… Read more »

Shannon
Shannon
1 year ago
Reply to  lorraine

I agree 100% Hannah B is a no go for me! I’ll read Lincee’s recaps tho!I only watched this season because Cassie went to my son-in-laws high school. She also went to Biola University, where my daughter and son-in-law went. My daughter knew she won all along, this is a spoiler free zone tho…sh…

Vicki
Vicki
1 year ago

I generally do like OHCH, but was sooooo turned off by the way that he kept saying that we ALL wanted to know about Colton’s virginity. Uh, no, not all of us do. OHCH was actually creeping me out, the way he wouldn’t let it go!

I had the same reaction as Lincee when Colton said he was “literally” giving his heart to Cassie! No, I’m pretty sure that if you’re talking, you can’t do that.

Yank
Yank
1 year ago
Reply to  Vicki

My head LITERALLY explodes whenever I run into people that don’t know that as of 2017 both Mariam-Webster and the Cambridge dictionaries as well as Oxford and Google Slang have revised their definition of the word “Literally” to include something that is actually able to be true AND something that is not in actuality able to be truthful BUT meant as an expression with added extra emphasis. Colton did not in actuality give his actual heart to Cassie…(although that would have been cool on… let’s say…Valentine’s Day) But we ALL knew what he meant. (Even the people who didn’t know… Read more »

Holly
Holly
1 year ago
Reply to  Yank

It’s Merriam-Webster, not Mariam-Webster. Literally.
Much respect. : ) Really. I’m not being venomous.

Candace
Candace
1 year ago
Reply to  Holly

Haha! Love this, Holly.

Yank
Yank
1 year ago
Reply to  Holly

I always seem to leave one “oops” out there. Thanks for the catch.

Tara Lawrence-Stuart
Tara Lawrence-Stuart
1 year ago
Reply to  Yank

If your head LITERALLY exploded, there would be a lot of gray matter all over and we wouldn’t be reading this

Donna
Donna
1 year ago

I did not watch the season but tuned in to the last 2 shows to see the fence jump. Cassie drove me crazy saying the word ‘like’ every time she spoke. Did she do that all season? And Chris Harrison speculating on the virginity question was just gross.

Jen
Jen
1 year ago

The BEST part of last night’s episode was the new Aladdin trailer!
I loved Cassie’s new haircut, hated Colton’s.
I thought of a Lincee the whole episode…. “there are no rules on The Bachelor” lol.
Cassie and Colton looked genuinely happy on stage, but FabFitFun and Sugar Bear Hair will do that to you.
I fast forwarded through Air Supply.
Connor was cute, in a “he just graduated high school” kind of way. Yikes.

I am definitely too old for this show.

lorraine
lorraine
1 year ago
Reply to  Jen

That Aladdin trailer was EVERYTHING! Cannot wait to see that on the big screen!

Julie
Julie
1 year ago

“Unfortunately, Hannah is incapable of forming a sentence. And we thought her inability to think of a toast was bad. Bless her heart.” Look – I know there’s a lot of love for Hannah B(east) out there, and I will admit that I found her awkwardness and frequent inability to string a coherent sentence together sort of endearing at certain points of the season (especially in contrast to some of the other women, who can come across as over-rehearsed and fake). But an entire season of this?? I…just…ugh. I am tempted to say I won’t watch, but know full well… Read more »

Heidi
Heidi
1 year ago
Reply to  Julie

HAHAHAHAHAHAH I love your boyfriends question. My bf is also strong armed into watching but he slept through the entire Finale part 2 and would NOT consider himself a part of Bach Nation. He also was seriously pissed that he could not watch Oak Island last night.

Allia
Allia
1 year ago

Lincee, thanks for another entertaining season of recaps!

I think Hannah B was probably the best choice out of the bunch. My only concern is that I hope she is able to handle the online critics and not let them get to her.

Colton and Cassie seemed genuinely happy at the after the rose show. Cassie looked a lot more relaxed compared to before. Maybe she just needed time. Wishing these two best of luck!

Kim Z
Kim Z
1 year ago
Reply to  Allia

I agree Allia, Cassie seemed genuinely happy. We know she needed her family’s (dad’s) approval and maybe over the last few months, got it.

NewMama
NewMama
1 year ago

If I heard OHCH say, “And is Cole’n still a virgin” one more time last night, I was going to lose. my. mind. I thought he was a reasonably good bachelor, kind and caring. And he actually had other things on his mind during this episode than his virginity. For crying out loud, Hare, head in the game!!

Alison
Alison
1 year ago

I’m really just trying to figure out how much ABC paid Cassie to come back in the finale, and how long she’s contractually obligated to date Colton. Sure, he can move to LA where she lives, but he can’t move in with her because when the 3 months is up, she’s gone!! I think he genuinely believes in their relationship and she’s playing a role for the fame. She’ll soak up the public appearances in the meantime and try to leverage into something. And that something will not be marriage to Colton! Colton’s parents were spot on, they saw through… Read more »

gondawatchsumore
gondawatchsumore
1 year ago

Oh Lincee!!! So excellent. Your recaps are my favorite thing about Tuesdays (…and sometimes Wednesday). Best lines were anything to do with Mr. Colton Sr -looks for a silver lining and finds one that is murky brown -healthy question Dad! Choice descriptors. Hopefully Dad will be able to give more generous hugs once Colton is booted from Dancing with the Stars and heads back to Colorado. Colton was all about the chase. How many high school dating scenarios end weeks after the chase is over because we’ll…..the chase is over. Jumping an 8 foot fence is not a sign of… Read more »

61
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x