Bachelor Colton Recap: Women Tell All
I have a love/hate relationship with The Women Tell All. Primarily because there is a total of fifteen minutes of the episode that is interesting or brand new information. That’s it. The remaining portions of the two-hour long show consist of the following: thirty minutes of catty drama, thirty minutes of “Who is that again?” while pointing to women on the back row, fifteen minutes of “What is she wearing?”, and fifteen minutes of Colton showering.
I’m quite confident that the producers instructed the freshly coiffed rejects to passionately speak over one another in shrieking tones until Our Host Chris Harrison yelled at them to shut up. It was a night of drama, tears, drama, cheers, and more drama.
Naturally, this calls for a mixed tape.
Shout — Tears For Fears
When Our Host Chris Harrison initiates the roll call, so we can re-familiarize ourselves with the back row, night one discards, I always listen to see who gets the biggest cheer from the audience members. This season was a three-way tie between Hannah B., Demi, and Caelynn. This seems about right, since all three of these women have been rumored to be the next bachelorette.
Tearing Up My Heart — NSYNC
Because the producers over at ABC love me and know that I will forgive anything foolish they ever do (like making me sit through two hours of women telling all), the powers that be have put together a delightful break-up montage that showcases all of the moments when hearts have been ripped from the chests of emotional men and women and splashed all over network television for audiences to react.
Remember when Frank dumped Ali? And Crazy Kelsey pretended to pass out in the bathroom? Who could forget Jake and Vienna? OR THIS EPIC MOMENT!
That’s right. It’s Jason Mesnick. The godfather and originator of “Pulling a Mesnick” which was coined and has been dutifully tallied here at iHateGreenBeans.
Of course, there have been slight variations throughout the years. Arie gave us a “Translucent Mesnick” over a glass balcony. My boy Sean Lowe pulled a quarter Mesnick during his season. When Nick Viall had to work out his feelings during the end of his journey, he pulled a “Crouching Tiger Hidden Mesnick,” which later morphed into “Crouching Mesnick Hidden Jungle.” You can also execute a pseudo-Mesnick, a half Mesnick, and a fake-out Mesnick, where it looks like you’re about to take to the balcony, but change your mind.
It should also be pointed out that many a Mesnick has never been pulled due to lack of balcony. But when one is present, all bets are off.
Waterfalls — TLC
There were five gratuitous shots of Colton taking a shower in his trailer. Five.
I Want You To Want Me — Cheap Trick
Demi: “Is it weird that I was a little turned on that he was a virgin?”
Cryin’ — Aerosmith
Havana likes to cry. There’s a montage to prove it. And free ice cream for a year (we all this “random”) to make everything better.
Fighter — Christina Aguilera
Onyeka likes to bully Havana for crying all the time and being “emotionally unstable.” Big Boobs agrees with Onyeka. Many think that Havana acted one way in the house and another way on camera. In fact, so many agreed that I wonder if the claim is true.
Listen — Dream Girls Soundtrack
Several women warned Colton that there were contestants in the house who weren’t ready for marriage. Our Host Chris Harrison calls out Katie to explain why she, “Rolled that grenade in the room to see what happens.”
This is an example of why we love Chris Harrison.
Hard Habit To Break — Chicago
Katie tries to be nice, but after Chris pokes the bear and asks her flat out who she was talking about, Katie conveniently answers that it was Caelynn and Cassie. She claims their values didn’t line of up with Colton’s and she wanted to warn him. She didn’t like that she over heard them talking about “winning” when they were in a van.
The Power — SNAP!
OH NO YOU DIDN’T! Caelynn snatches the grenade and explains EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Everyone knows that she and Cassie are best friends. Duh. What she said to Cassie was, “If you don’t end up with Colton, I pray that you are the bachelorette so you can find your person.”
IT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO, KATIE.
Katie takes a hit off of Colton’s block and begins shaking. The adrenaline is making her seethe. She even wonders if Hannah B. has been right this entire time, you know? Caelynn is a master manipulator.
Ah. This seems like a perfect segue for Harrison to call on Caelynn’s arch nemesis. How do you feel, Hannah B? What do you have to say for yourself?
All-American Girl — Carrie Underwood
Why Hannah B. has nothing to say but wonderful things about everyone on the panel, Colton, and her dear, dear friend Caelynn. It’s all water under the bridge. Yes, that water doesn’t necessarily mix with oil, but it’s fine. Roll tide.
OHCH: Okay, but where do you stand on the Katie/Caelynn argument? I heard you were there.
Hannah B: Gosh, golly, darn, Chris. I wish you hand’t called on me, but I remember it more like Katie remembers it.
Who’s That Girl — Madonna
Back Row Jane lays into Hannah B, “OF COURSE YOU WOULD PICK KATIE’S SIDE!”
Wait. Who’s Jane again?
Right, right, right. She’s the one who photoshopped her dog in with Colton’s dog claiming they would be best canine friends. PS: She didn’t get a rose on night one. Clearly she’s an expert in this matter.
Redneck Woman — Gretchen Wilson
Demi would like for you to know that she did not come up with “Cougar Club” to describe the old ladies of the house, but she certainly used the moniker on ever ocassion possible. Tracy, the resident senior citizen, was willing to overlook it if only Demi had been ready for marriage.
Newsflash: Demi still hates Courtney and vice versa. Through all of the bickering and arguing and closed captions, I gathered that Courtney’s feelings are still hurt that Demi labeled her “cancer of the house.”
Demi apologizes. That was harsh.
“You were more like bed bugs. I would forget you were there and then you would annoy the S#@$ out of me.”
Baby — Justin Bieber
Courtney retaliates by A.) managing to stand up in her skin tight pink dress and waddling over to Demi’s side of the panel and B.) attempting to shove a pacifier in Demi’s mouth.
No one tried to stop it. Everyone laughed. Demi asked for a shot after Courtney slunk back to her seat.
Demi = 2
Courtney = 0
Here’s To Love — Down With Love Soundtrack
Hannah B. is asked to join Chris in the hot seat. She reminds people that she has always been under extreme pressure to be perfect. She acts like she thinks people want her to be, but, lo and behold, she grew this season and no longer does that. Thank you Bachelor! Roll tide.
Harrison points out her very mature rejection SUV message where she tells the camera that she wants someone to love her fiercely and choose her every day. Interesting. Sounds like she’s teeing herself up to be the bachelorette, no? Roll tide.
Un-Break My Heart — Toni Braxton
Caelynn chooses a different tactic in the hot seat. For her bachelorette try-out clip, she cries because it’s so hard for her to be vulnerable and that’s why she was such a dully dud on the show. BUT SHE WAS IN LOVE. She has no answers and she wants to know what happened.
Um, he fell in love with Cassie. Have you not been watching the show?
Lost and Found — Brooks and Dunn
Shut up, y’all. Colton is no longer lost in the Portuguese countryside. HOORAY! He’s back!
He appears thinner and tanner (the desert will do that to you) and younger, thanks to his decision to shave off that scruff. I can’t comment on his tie.
Caelynn asks him what happened. He doesn’t answer her question, other than admitting that her rose ceremony was the hardest one. (Is that because it was the last one? We shall see!)
Hannah B. assures him that they are cool.
Sydney wonders if he’s still a virgin. Colton doesn’t answer.
Jump — Van Halen
The infamous fence jump received its own time in the limelight. Colton admits that he was sure he was going to land on a table, a tent, or a person when he hopped over that barrier in one single bound. But it was wide open spaces. And the feeling of being lost in Portugal was glorious.
Make ‘Em Laugh — Singing in the Rain Soundtrack
And finally, dear reader, I give you the blooper reel.