Bachelor Colton Recap: Dropping Like Flies
Hello friends! When we last left Colton, he was wandering up and down the seashore trying to remember all the reasons he agreed to be the bachelor. There’s the InstaFame, dating up to twenty-five women at one time, perhaps finding a wife, the swiping of his v-card, cool clothes, stamps in his passport, and being best friends with Ellen and Jimmy Kimmel. What he didn’t expect was the catty drama, as well as women removing themselves from the journey altogether.
My boy is on the brink of flinging himself into the Gulf of Thailand when Our Host Chris Harrison walks up. If you look closely, you can tell that Harrison is annoyed by the summoning of the producers. Or there’s trouble back home and he’s rethinking his decision to date the Entertainment Tonight woman. Either way, the fact that he has to stand in wet sand in his new designer shoes (from the Chris Harrison line, no doubt) prompts OHCH to give Colton an abbreviated pep talk.
Colton: I’m not sure what to do, Chris. My biggest fear is that the woman standing at the end of this journey will not want me and I’ll be all alone again or forced to hang around Tia at Bachelor reunion parties. I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me. You told me during Becca’s season that love is a battlefield. Help me, Chris Harrison. You’re my only hope.
OHCH: Stop being a pansy and suck it up.
While Chris heads back to his cabana to prepare for the rose ceremony with a few fingers of whiskey, Onyeka takes a poll among the remaining women, asking all who have felt bullied by her to raise her hand. No one does, except Havana. Just as we begin round three of Bicker-pa-looza, Our Host crashes the party. Colton is ready to hand out roses with bugs crawling all over them.
I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of Colton’s choice to ditch Onyeka and Havana both. He made the right decision for all involved and I’m glad he ripped that Band-Aid. What I will mention is everyone’s hair. For the love of humidity, some ladies need to invest in the Thai version of Frizz Ease. And could we get some of those blotting papers while we’re at it? Thanks.
Onyeka peaces out first, wishing Colton the best. She’s happy she and Havana were both escorted to the rejection SUV at the same time, instead of riding solo back to the States. That should be fun flight home. Onyeka will do well in Paradise.
Havana, on the other hand, could not control her game face and straight up ugly cried as Colton called each name that was not Nicole. It’s sad that she didn’t get to celebrate in her red dress emoji lady dress. But she does leave Colton with a warning: some girls have amazing qualities and some do not. He needs to figure out who came looking for love and who is looking for a marketing deal with FabFitFun and their delightful seasonal boxes of goodies.
The next day, Colton emerges from an ocean in Vietnam, just like this guy. Clearly he likes to process his feelings in or near water. Whether that’s swimming, running the beach at dawn, or tantalizing viewers with another installment of “Deep Thoughts With Colton” via his video testimony, we learn that our dear boy is overwhelmed and anxious. He needs clarity.
What he gets is an afternoon of bumping and grinding with Hannah G. at the local spa. It starts off as canoodling under a banana leaf and ends up with some heavy petting in a mud bath. And a slow, sultry Jump and Straddle® in an outdoor shower, along with a pearl clutching moment that made other people in my watching party scream, but I don’t know what happened because I was safe behind a couch cushion trying to keep away the hives.
Let the record show that their swimsuits covered all their no-no squares. Still, it was very, very steamy for network television. It made Cassie’s interlude last week look like an after school special.
At dinner that night, Hannah G. leads us to believe that she has a deep, dark secret and that opening up about it is “not my jam.”
First of all, I’m just tickled that any sort of jam is acceptable vernacular. I was recently told I couldn’t use the word “hip” by a younger, cooler friend (shout out Andrea) but I resurrected my street cred by tossing out “hundo p” (hundred percent) and “spill the tea,” which is the same as spilling the beans (shout out Connie). Look at me being relevant!
Second of all, the reason Hannah B. has trouble taking down her walls is because her mom drove the car through her dad’s freshly mowed lawn and that’s when she realized they would never be a family again. Colton immediately understands her plight and offers his insight on what it’s like to have divorced parents. We call this bonding.
Colton: Hannah did lots of opening up today.
Lincee: Hey now.
Colton: We are getting closer.
Lincee: No joke. Any closer and your claim to virginity fame will be obliterated.
Colton: She makes me excited.
Lincee: No one needs to see that.
Our bachelor gives Hannah G. the date rose and they make their way onto the street where a band of Vietnamese women play easy listening music on instruments I don’t recognize. Delilah would be so proud. As the twosome sway back and forth to something that sounds a little like “My Heart Will Go On,” Colton tells the camera that he is falling in love with Hannah G.
If Cassie and Hannah G. are in a race to the finish line, HG just pulled ahead.
Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Cailyn, Katie, Hannah Beast, Sydney, Demi
This means that Kirpa gets the other one-on-one and Demi is livid. She transitions that rage into fake tears and I’m surprised by how many people offer their condolences. Notice Demi’s hair conveniently covers her face during this tumultuous time, hindering our ability to confirm a clear and present tear.
When she learns they get to punch each other on the group date, her attitude changes. Sadly, her attitude failed to tell her brain that her body needed to show up in a fit of rage. Instead of landing her jabs, she whined to Katie to “stop hitting my face!” As one was pitted against another, most of the girls giggled through the entire ordeal. It was like pillow fight at a slumber party. Just substitute the frilly nighties with karate gear.
At this time, I would like to formerly welcome Asian Chris Harrison into the fold.
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 12, 2019
Colton quickly shuts the fight fest down in lieu of a cocktail party. Tayshia is the first one to score alone time and she uses it well. She gently reminds him that she’s putting herself on the line and has slight trepidation about being burned. Then she turns the tables and asks him how HE is doing. Colton loves it. Tayshia calms him like no other. She’s an oscillating fan in hell. He admits that he doesn’t have anything figured out and she consoles him by sticking her tongue on his tongue, because let’s face it, he was leading with his tongue to begin with.
Katie is up next. How ironic that she is actually wearing a satin nightie on the group date! Unfortunately, she dumps all of her feels on Colton, complaining to him that she doesn’t know how to show emotions. Then she starts crying for fear that it will all be taken away. Colton tries to cheer her up by letting her know he appreciates that she has thrown all the cards on the table. Then he side hugs her.
Ugh. The side hug. We call this foreshadowing. How did I not see it coming?
Next up is Sydney. She is officially unraveling. All she can do is grumble about how other girls in the group are getting more opportunities than she is and it’s not fair.
RED FLAG, SYDNEY! Control the crazy.
Sydney refuses to listen to me and sits Colton down as the fourth person to totally bum him out in the last twenty-four hours. She leads the stellar conversation with this gem:
Syd: Is there some reason you’re not picking me?
Colton pulls out his go-to defense by answering, “I don’t have it all figured out yet. But I want to try. I think I owe that to us.”
This answer allows Sydney to let a bit of steam escape, which helps the vein in her forehead not pop. Victory.
Demi bops up to Coco and promises to be someone who will support him not matter what. And since she’s so sensitive and the perfect catch, will he call Mommy with her? Tina has been out of federal prison for days and Demi has just been given the green light to make contact with the outside world. Coco agrees with as much enthusiasm as my niece at bedtime on a school night.
Tina answers the phone and Demi introduces the random boy she’s currently dating in the country of Vietnam to her Mommy. There were some pleasantries exchanged, but the majority of the conversation revolved around Demi and her mom agreeing that each is the best and neither loves the other more than the one loving.
That sentence got away from me, but I’m sticking with it.
Demi instructs her mother to “be a good girl,” and then cries in Coco’s lap. When she audibly hopes he can meet Mommy in the future, Coco sticks his tongue down her throat.
Demi returns to the muster couch and makes a big production about how she treats her time with Coco as a one-on-one. She drones on and on and on. Sydney teeters on the edge again and makes the unwise decision to approach Colton one last time to see if she can get a commitment out of him.
RED FLAG, SYDNEY! Conceal, don’t feel.
She halfway gives him an ultimatum, disguising her insecurity in the form of “if you like her, there’s no way you’ll like me.” Sydney is at a crossroads. Although she doesn’t regret her journey, she wants something real and magical. Or at least horizontal like Cassie and Hannah G. The revelation sinks in that if it was right, it would be easy and she wouldn’t feel threatened.
So she sends herself home.
Then through a fit of tears, she tells the camera that she’s leaving because Colton didn’t let her in. Technically not true, so I’m placing her squarely back in the red zone. You can’t fix crazy, but you can document it. Hence the heavily guarded ABC contract you signed in blood that says the cameras film EVERYTHING.
Then she tells Colton not to be distracted by shiny things. I may have stood up. I’m guessing that “shiny things” are the pageant girls’ tiaras, Demi’s handmade prison bag her mom traded for cigarettes, Kirpa’s chin bandage, and Hannah G’s platinum vagine.
Colton doesn’t seem too distraught by the unexpected turn of events, but you can tell he’s not mentally in the moment. He tosses the date rose to Tayshia and invites the ladies to get some rest. Then he leaves. Presumably to find the nearest ocean or waterfall.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Anyone and everyone was totally surprised that Kirpa landed the second one-on-one. Especially Kirpa. She questions everything, including the infamous Jump and Straddle®. What in the world was she doing? If you’re going to fling into the guy’s arms, you have to commit, woman. Can I even label that nonsense as a Jump and Straddle®? I don’t think so.
Real talk: I thought Kirpa was going home. When she tells him that she respects what Sydney did, I anticipated Colton retreating into his own thoughts. He didn’t. In fact, he compliments her by saying that he naturally and easily connects with her.
I’m sorry, will the real Kirpa please stand up? Where is this woman he speaks of and where is her chin bandage?
Then I thought she was going home when she forced him to eat a sea urchin. Home slice did not like that, but he kisses her slimy mouth with his slimy tongue anyway. Good times.
When she arrives to dinner in a cold shoulder / cold upper boob dress and never smiles at her hot date once, I thought FOR SURE she was a goner. Then when she she provides more details on her broken engagement and how she’s all about moving slow? Good-bye! Or should I say tạm biệt, which, according to Google translator, is good-bye in Vietnamese.
Finally, when I noticed the glitter spray she borrowed from Demi oozing off of her chest, I knew he would call for the rejection SUV. Nope. Instead he kisses her and gives her a rose.
Leave it to Hurricane Demi to make landfall later that night. She puts on her Daisy Dukes, lip glosses up, and sneaks over to Coco’s abode so she can take his virginity.
I’m just the recapper. That’s what she said.
Demi goes “balls to the wall,” but fumbles that ball almost as soon as she crosses the threshold. Her opening line? “I’m ready to take the next step. I’m falling in love with you. And I want to let myself fall.”
Coco smiles and says, “I appreciate…” Uh-oh. Demi is toast.
You see, Colton likes her but he doesn’t see them together and he can’t fathom putting her through a rose ceremony. He hugs her like a favorite sister. We celebrate the one tear she was able to produce at just the right moment, and laugh when he shoves her out the door so she can do the opposite of a walk of shame back to the cabanas.
Demi wakes up the Hannahs and tells them that she’s leaving. She cried more here than she did when she got dumped five seconds ago, spoke to her recently released from prison Mommy, or getting punched in the face by Katie.
See you in Paradise Demi!
Everyone is in a tither. We haven’t even seen Cailyn or Cassie interact with the bachelor. Tayshia wonders if she can continue this “you make me calm” streak and Heather is hoping that her one time to be kissed can turn into two times. Or three. She’ll lead with the tongue if she has to!
All agree that the cocktail party is super important this very night. And all groan with Harrison tells them that Colton has his mind made up.
Along with Tayshia, Kirpa, and Hannah G., roses go to Hannah Beast, Cailyn, Cassie, AND HEATHER.
I was surprised and shocked that Katie was sent home. I had her flying under the radar, but instead of making her move, she fell right off.
The mood matches the weather. When Colton tries to protect Katie from the rain, she shrugs him away. She is upset and halfway blames herself. But she does have a warning for Colton: There are some who aren’t ready for marriage. Be careful.
Colton is aghast. He just got rid of the teeny bopper Demi who was not ready to get married. Who could Katie be talking about? And why is everyone warning him that people aren’t here for the right reasons (right reasons)? WHAT IS HE MISSING?
According to scenes from next week, it looks like Colton reaches his breaking point. I believe we will see the awesome single bound fence jump, as well as a frantic search party looking for our bachelor. Do you think they are in Africa? And he could be eaten by a lion? Sound off in the comments section!