It’s been a whirlwind 10 weeks as members of Bachelor Nation tried their hardest to keep it under wraps that Groban chose Courtney to be his vineyard bride. Too bad most of you (thankfully not me!) missed the “After the Final Rose” because our DVRs didn’t recognize that the episode was part of the same Bachelor franchise (as if any of us watch this hot mess live). Along with the actual finale, a few controversial moments reared their ugly heads during the extra bonus hour of Our Host Chris Harrison asking the same variation of one question at least 12 different ways. He’s truly a master.

I spent most of last night with my fingers poised over the home keys of my computer, just waiting for someone to say something that was worth the energy it would take to type out notes for today’s recap.  Unfortunately, the episode translated into roughly 120 minutes of Groban pretending to struggle to make a decision between the horse girl and the model and was about as riveting as watching Courtney read an epic love letter or Groban sip wine suspended in a gondola adjacent to the Matterhorn. The season has been as boring as his monochromatic wardrobe.

There were a few borderline interesting moments here and there tucked away in unlikely places.  Fortunately for you, I have visual aids to help me tell my story.

In this scene, Groban explains how he’s head over heels in love with two very different women and a mountain. Lindzi is “wonderful” and “lights up a room” while Courtney is “incredible” but he is still “concerned” that she doesn’t get along with other women. He retires to the balcony of his Swiss Alps château and becomes engulfed by the majesty of the Matterhorn.

Groban: “I have one week left. I have big decisions to make. Who will I choose? What grey will I wear? How am I going to cope with the backlash when I pick the model? Will America accept my new scruffy look? But somehow…some way…that big, old, beautiful Matterhorn gives me hope.”

Barb and Julia finally arrive and our Bachelor is moved to tears at the sight of the other important women in his life.  We discover that Groban is not the only one in his family who prefers hues in the charcoal genre.  Clearly, variations of grey or black are the foundation of the Flajnik Family Color Wheel.  I feel bad for making fun of him this entire season.  Who knew it was hereditary?

Big Sister Julia immediately asks about the other women and Groban wastes no time playing up Lindzi’s adorable qualities.

Groban: “She rode in on a horse. Can you believe that?”
Julia: “Yeah, yeah…so, were there any girls that the other women didn’t like?”

Groban: “As a matter of fact, there was one. There is one.”
Julia: “That’s a major red flag little brother.”

Wisely paying homage to the Flajnik Family Color Wheel, Lindzi arrives in a darling smoky coat.  Her confession that she’s nervous to meet the unit Grobai is confirmed when she continues to randomly drop her fork at dinner.  She wins Barb over by gushing about how wonderful her son has been.  Julia is harder to win over when she notices Lindzi holding her wine glass like this:

That will never do in the vineyard.  But who cares?  Julia has an agenda and is speaking to this runner-up for one reason, and one reason only.

Julia: “Who’s this Courtney girl? Is she jerking my brother’s chain? What’s her deal? Was she ugly to you? I need details. My brother can be easily distracted. Case in point: the Matterhorn infatuation. He’s not a straight shooter like me. Is this chick bad news?”
Lindzi: “We are two very different people.”

Julia: “Would it kill you people to tell it like it is? I don’t get it. Allow me to demonstrate. He’s not that in to you or your dimples. If you want a shot at beating the Beast, you have to be more vulnerable. He’s on the fence with you. I don’t do well with weak women. I want to be surrounded by strong confidence. And I have no problem telling my brother. And who holds the stem like that? This isn’t a beer for crying out loud. You may leave.”

I like to think Julia is the Tim Gunn persona that this teetering reality show needs. Somebody call Fleiss. And make that work.

For real. She has to be the coolest character this show has ever seen, apart from Our Host Chris Harrison, Ames and Chantal’s Dad from Brad’s season who had a statue of a naked man hidden in the west wing of his mansion. This was Julia’s shining moment for sure:

A.  Julia can rock a beret.
B.  Flajnik Family Color Wheel REPRESENT!
C. When Groban shared Courtney’s occupation with Julia, her quick response was a glaring, “Really? A model? Come on, Brother. Please.”

Courtney arrives and our retinas are shocked by the sight of the bright yellow color of the baby doll dress.  The frock is reminiscent of  something Laurie Partridge may have worn during rehearsals in the garage but that small detail is mitigated by Groban’s bulky, grey sweater.  I’m certain Mr. Rogers would have rocked this exact same piece of clothing had his neighborhood resided in the near vicinity of Switzerland.

Julia drags Courtney to the Matterhorn balcony and opens with this gem:

“So why did all the other girls hate you? That’s a red flag to me.”

Courtney weaves an intricate web of lies that includes phrases such as, “making an effort” or “I put my guard up” with “it was hard because I was falling in love with him.” Then she masterfully turns the conversation back to Julia and giggles on and on about how much Groban loves his sister’s strong, confident demeanor.

Eager that Julia would see straight through that “C’mon Get Happy” nonsense, I was eager for the Ice Queen in Grey to rip Courtney a new one during alone time with Groban.

Julia: “I’m shocked.”
Lincee: “HERE IT COMES!”

Julia: “First impressions are important.”
Lincee: “HERE IT COMES!”

Julia: “I was blown away. I’ve learned you can’t judge a book by its cover. You have my approval.”
Lincee: “Annnndddd there it goes.”

Groban then compares Lindzi to a slow burn and Courtney to a firecracker.  Nice.  And he’s just the ointment for both.

He decides to wear this when he picks Lindzi up to go spoon-dry-hump skiing near his beloved Matterhorn.  She wears this:

ABC would like to welcome everyone to Technicolor.

Too bad I was distracted by possible camel toe.  Just saying.  Confirmation anyone?

In a last effort to win the heart of the Bachelor, Lindzi shimmies into a grey silk number and pours her heart out to Groban for 20 minutes.  She seizes the day as instructed by Julia and tells him no less than 12 times that she loves him, wants the rest of their life to begin ASAP and oh yeah, loves him.  He brushes the hair of of her eyes, and then his own, before licking his lips and sticking his tongue down her throat.  Slow burn, baby burn.

The next day, Courtney also appeals to Groban’s grey side.  Fortunately, she’s the lucky recipient of a helicopter ride around Mt. Matterhorn where I’m pretty sure Groban jizzed his pants.  They rode sleds all day and spoke in baby talk.  I fast forwarded after the snow angels.

Groban mixes it up a little bit by wearing olive green to Courtney’s hotel room.  She presents him with a scrapbook collection of screenshots from their journey together and then reads him a seven page letter (front and back) that details her feelings leading up to this exact point in time.

Courtney: “This is a love letter from my heart to yours. You are worth all of the drama. I am the luckiest girl in the world. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You feel like home to me. Dot, dot, dot, you lift me up.”
Groban: “I prefer the term ‘raise’ to lift, but it’s still sweet. Let’s make out.”

Courtney becomes irritated when Groban refuses to respond to her epic-long affirmation with equal praise. She switches into manipulation mode.

Courtney: “It was nice to hear your family liked me and to get a little positive feedback. It’s been hard for me to be here, defending myself with girls and you. Obviously it makes me defensive.
Groban: “Are those bells ringing in the background? It must be midnight.”

Courtney: “It was hard for me to talk about the house with your Mom and sister. I didn’t know they would bring that up.”
Groban: “For real. The bells are still going. Is the quaint town on fire or something? I hope Matty isn’t in danger.”

Courtney: “This is a difficult thing for me to be a part of, but I’m doing it because you are worth it. The rest is up to you.”
Groban: “I have no idea why we are still talking about this. Do you smell smoke?”

Groban wears grey and white gingham when he contemplates life’s mysteries in the comfort of Matty’s presence.  He knows what he must do.  He’s made a decision and it’s time for Harrison to collect the girls and bring them to him on the side of his mountain.

Poor Lindzi brushes on more bronzer and hot sticks her hair.

She lets Groban borrow it for the big moment.

If you ever find yourself landing in a helicopter on the side of the Swiss Alps before traipsing up a decorative path to meet your possible future fiance, capes are all the rage to wear over your cocktail dress. Lindzi chose an emerald green Oz number draped over her blue feathery frock inspired by Fraggle Rock characters everywhere.

Harrison’s new role:  Cape Holder

Sweet, adorable Lindzi makes a rookie mistake by trying to flood Groban with compliments.  We collectively shouted at our television screens for her to close her mouth and take it in the Matterhorn.

Groban:  “You are what I’ve looked for my entire life.  I want you to know that I have fallen in love with you…BUT…I need those moments to last a lifetime.  I found that with someone else.  I’m in love with someone else.”

What a tool.

Linzi collects herself, adjusts her feathers and allows him to escort her back down the mountain.

Good girl Lindzi. Kill him with kindness. Do NOT break on national television. Keep walking. No talking.

Lindzi stops. Uh oh. KEEP WALKING WOMAN! NO TALKING!

Lindzi: “I’m mad at myself for not giving you what you needed.  I thought I did.  Oh well.”

Okay. It’s not bad. She’s not crying. He’s still a dork. This is salvageable. One foot in front of the other girl. You can do it.

Then she pauses.

Lindzi: “Call me if things don’t work out.”

So close. So very close.

Lindzi saunters back to the helicopter, grabs her cape from Harrison and bids Groban and his Matterhorn adieu. There was one fake tear that was contractually negotiated before the proposal. With that said, Lindzi might as well have shouted PEACE OUT as she drifted away into a comfortable position to be approached for possible inclusion in the next installment of Bachelor Pad. It’s called getting back up on the horse people.

That leaves us with Courtney.  Who didn’t predict this scenario?  Courtney decided to class up her dominatrix gown with a white version of the exact same cape Lindzi wore.  It wasn’t awkward at all.

Seriously Harrison.  We have interns for this.

Groban gave a pretty lame speech about ups and downs and amazing journey while Courtney kept letting go of his hands to touch her hair. He finally proposed, she said yes, whipped off her glove extending her ring finger before prancing around the strategically placed fake snow and mountain laurel chanting, “WINNING” at the top of her lungs. He began crying because the two things he loves more than his Mom and sister were right there smiling down on him…the hot model and his cherished Matterhorn. It was a perfect, sort-of, blah fairy tale ending.

During “After the Final Rose,” Harrison tells us that Groban and Courtney have split up after the show aired because he was horrified by her behavior. With no Matterhorn available to help him process through these emotions, he simply ditched her and let the tabloids have their way. Groban claims that the Courtney we saw on television is not the Courtney he knows.

OHCH: “Ah yes. I see. You didn’t know the one who took such delight in turning the screws. That totally embarrasses you, right? I mean, how could it not?”
Groban: “No one ever gave me examples. I wish it would have been different. That’s why we broke up.”

OHCH: “So you’re broken up? Is that why you cheated on her with another woman.”
Groban: “I never cheated. Those pictures are old. And I’m not kissing another girl.”

OHCH: “Just like your hand isn’t grabbing her Matterhorn. Got it.”

Courtney arrives and the audience boo’s her. It was glorious. She’s dressed in all white and does her best to double talk her way through the interview with Our Host.

OHCH: “So are you guys together or what?”
Courtney: “Yes. Well, sort of. I mean, we’re engaged. But not really. I mean I love him. He’s great. I think so. I’m not really sure. It’d be great to talk to him.”

OHCH: “I”m going to ask one more time…where do you stand?”
Grobe: “We’re engaged.”
OHCH: “Really? Because Courtney has no clue. That seems weird.”

Harrison reveals that Courtney has major trust issues with Groban and the same goes for him. Neither seem to care. Groban is trying to get through the session and Courtney is looking forward to hocking her engagement ring that is burning a hole in Harrison’s pocket. But first, they must watch a montage of the engagement. You know, the one we just saw 49 minutes ago.

Groban begins to tear up. So does Courtney.

Those were the prettiest invisible tears I ever did see.

Harrison hands the ring to Grobe who lazily shoves it on Courtney’s finger.  He dismisses the lukewarm couple and decides to end the last 30 minutes of the show by checking in with America’s favorite couple.  No … Trista and Ryan are Spring Breaking in Vail this week. It’s JP and Ashley!

Who you ask? You know…the CONTROVERSIAL JP and Ashley!

I’ve already forgotten JP’s New York accent and it only takes moments for me to remember that Ashley’s entire wardrobe is fashioned from the Build-A-Bear store in downtown LA. These two kids are crazy in love, have zero plans to get married and still talk to each other in baby talk.

It’s time to land the plane Harrison.

What did you guys think? Is Courtney totally playing Groban now? Or is the whole thing a big fake relationship to make ABC executives not look like complete tools? Where was Lindzi during “After the Final Rose?” Are you excited about Emily being the next Bachelorette?

Sound off in the comment section and check back this week for my season finale slide show.  Make sure to send watching party pics if you haven’t!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee