At one point during the season 6 premiere episode of Bachelor in Paradise, I wondered if we should all be tested for STDs just for watching this ridiculous filthy train wreck of a show. I understand that six-and-a-half couples have found true love on the beaches of Sayulita, Mexico, but my hope is that the producers have large vats of Germ Squirt or Purell on hand for certain situations. 

I know what you’re thinking. Six-and-a-half is a weird number and you’re trying to do the mental math of the who, what, and when. (No one knows why…) That sentence made sense in my head. Just go with it and let me explain:

Way back in the olden days during season 2, Jade and Tanner met on day one of BIP and never looked back. They are married with two kids. The next year, Carly toyed with Evan’s emotions for an entire season before shockingly admitting to Bachelor Nation that she was head over heels in love with the strange man. They have one kid and one on the way. 

Raven and Adam (the dude who once carried around a doll) met in season 4. Although he didn’t get down on one knee on the beach, he did propose earlier this year. ABC is quick to consider them a success story nonetheless. 

Krystal and The Goose fell in love in Mexico. Of course The Goose pledged his love for Tia before Colton came in and screwed that all up. Krystal wiggled her way into his life and got a ring during last season’s finale. A quick Internet search tells me they were actually married during the filming of this current season. Five bucks says one of the dates is witnessing these nuptials on the back row of their beach wedding. 

There’s also Kendall and Joe who live a blah life together on Instagram, as well as Astrid and Kevin. I have to admit I’m surprised both of these have held on for an entire year, but I’m happy that they’ve made it work for the sake of statistics. 

Finally, we have Ashlee I-Lashes and Jared. They represent the “half” portion of my fraction since Jasmine secured her Aladdin AFTER the show. He did propose on that special beach the next season while other cast members watched from the treehouse, so we have to count it even in a partial capacity. 

Love is definitely in the air on Playa Escondida. Of course manipulation, back stabbing, and an infestation of crabs is also part of the deal, but that’s the price you have to pay to find your vibe. Hop into your favorite Hazmat suit and join me as I break down the most memorable contestants, wont you?

BEFORE HE CHEATS
It seems that Stagecoach is a phenomenon that needs further investigating and because I’m a dutiful recapper, I did the work for you. Actually, I guessed correctly and later confirmed on The Google that this seasonal buzz word is an outdoor country music festival.

It sounds like it’s a redneck version of Coachella. I’m going to presume that there was a row of vintage airstream travel trailers dedicated to anyone who could prove that they are a card-carrying member of The Bachelor franchise.

Why do we care about Stagecoach? Allow me to explain. It’s a place where cheaters go to cheat apparently. Do you need me to walk you through this theory? I’m happy to oblige.

The first boy to hit the beach is Blake. You remember him, right? He’s the pretty boy from Becca’s season who almost made it to the altar, but was denied at the Home Depot proposal pedestal for Garrett. Note that he is quite the hot commodity on this season’s BIP. 

Blake has his eye on Hannah G and her denim panties. But his gaze shifts when Tayshia (gorgeous girl from Colton’s season) arrives displaying her cleavage for all to admire. He casually mentions that he sort of remembers meeting her at Stagecoach, but things are fuzzy because he was so drunk. 

NO WAY! Tayshia was drunk too! What a fun coincidence. They chat it up and then scatter when other beach dwellers arrive. Sydney, the NBA dancer, has her sights set on Derek (the one who proposed to Taylor last year) and is concerned when Derek zeros in on Tayshia. 

Blake has no choice but to get his flirt on with Hannah G. They giggle and drink and drink and giggle. So much so that when Blake is given the first date card, all jaws drop when he asks Tayshia to be his companion for some serious hot tub action. 

No one is more annoyed than Hannah Bama’s arch nemesis Caelyn. She’s not mad because she was picked over by not one, but two women. Oh no. Caelyn is mad because Blake is alive. Period. 

You see, Blake hooked up with Caelyn once upon a time. Where might you ask? Why Stagecoach, of course. They were so happy and in love that they both discussed skipping Paradise so they could come out as a real couple. Unfortunately Blake ghosted Caelyn. That made her entrance into Paradise all the more special when Blake physically looked ill and had to remove himself from the party to receive oxygen from the ABC Intern. 

MOTHER RUSSIA
Caelyn heads over to the bar after Tayshia and her boobs leave with the chach. She confides in adorable Wells (not to be confused with Wills with his frosted tips) and we get a little bit more of the story.

The scene? Stagecoach. The situation? The morning after. The problem? Caelyn catches Blake DM-ing Hannah G. on Instagram. While they are in the bed. After the all-night coitus. 

That’s not all. Something comes over Blake and he admits to Caelyn that he hooked up with Kristina (Mother Russia who fell head-over-heels for Deanie Babies last season) the night before. After ghosting her, Blake calls Caelyn two weeks ago and begs her to lie about their tryst. LIE AND DENY! No one can know. Interestingly, other than spilling all her problems to Wells, she keeps her mouth shut.

That lasts less than 24-hours because the next morning, guess who bounds down the cobblestone steps looking all cute and grown up in a bright yellow dress? KRISTINA! With a date card! Caelyn tells Onyeka and Sydney her woes as we watch Blake looking toward the heavens, asking the Lord to intervene. He has zero poker faces.

Blake lies to the other dues by telling them that he and Kristina have “hung out” in the past. He’s happy to see her (uh-huh) and wants everyone to know that they are friends. 

He nearly chokes on his tongue when she comes up and asks to speak with him. This is when I stood up, ready for Mother Russia to lay down the sickle. 

But she doesn’t lay down the sickle. She invites him on her date and the only hope we have for a throw down is if she leaves him in the jungle to fend for himself. She does say that she’s going to make Blake her b!tch, but something tells me he will charm his way out of that situation for sure. 

DEMI
Demi is the same old Demi we all remember from last season, but this time, she is quick to tell us that she’s been dating a woman. Here’s the deal: DO NOT PUT A LABEL ON IT. She is going to Paradise to “figure things out.”

Everyone likes Demi. She even takes Derek by surprise. When Blake pees all over Tayshia, Derek saunters up to Demi and somehow gets her in the hot tub for a steamy make out sesh. As a veteran Paradiser, Derek knows that you must stake your claim early, or you will be kicked out sooner rather than later, bound for home where you will inevitably have to get a real job. 

R-E-B-O-U-N-D
Polly Pocket Hannah experiences emotions she’s never felt before. In this instance, the boy she likes (Blake) chooses someone else and she must share her time with anything that breathes whose name isn’t Cam. It’s a strange sensation and her handler takes a quick five minutes to explain what a “rebound” means.

Luckily, Not Mateo Dylan is there to swoop in and make Hannah feel special. After spending the entire day whining about how Hannah is out of his league, it’s Wells who actually gives Not Mateo the hutzpah he needs to make his move. 

Hannah is cool with following Not Mateo to the treehouse. She senses that he is nervous and to Dylan’s defense, he admits that she makes him anxious. Hannah tries to play the “I’m a dork, too!” card, but no one’s buying it. 

As Dylan’s face turns a wicked shade of crimson, Hannah leans down and passionately kisses him. This lasts for a very long time and will undoubtedly end in heartache when Blake comes calling later in the season. Not Mateo will be a shell of a man, never to be the same again. 

DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH
Katie is my jam. I liked her during Colton’s season and I like her now. I want her to find love, but I’m not sure if I trust any of these jack wagons with her heart. She needs someone funny, smart, and willing to treat her like a queen. Something tells me that dude is not in Paradise right now. 

Even though Annaliese has warned all the women not to give Clay a second glance, I don’t t think any of them will listen. He is definitely the most mentally mature one on the island and will probably have his pick of the ladies. The jury is still out if he did his ex-girlfriend wrong. 

STRANGER THINGS
ABC is still rapping. And wearing leopard print. You have been warned.

No one knows Jane, but what we do know is that she is obnoxious and has a weird obsession with hot sauce. Proceed with caution.

Havana Nicole is still in this category, only because I haven’t yet witnessed her behavior to promote her into another category. Stay tuned. 

Kevin/Kelvin/Devin/Daron may be on steroids. Time will tell. 

John Paul Jones wears a Speedo and still can’t form a sentence. Shaka brah. 

GRANDPA – TELL ME BOUT THE GOOD OLE DAYS
When Chris Bukowski walked onto the beach, everyone hushed because they thought he was a producer. Sixth time will not be the charm for this guy. Trust me.  

Annaliese is 34-years-old. I hope someone gives her vitamins between tequila shots.

Bibiana is the resident assistant for sure. She will be consoling all the young ones when they are battling heat exhaustion, dehydration, and crotch rot in a few days. Mark my words. 

FAVORITE QUOTES OF THE NIGHT

Demi: I’m Demi. From Demi’s season of The Bachelor.

Derek: My douchebag radar feels like someone is around. [Enter Cam]

Jane: Hi. I’m Jane!
Clay: Hi. I’m Tarzan.