“If you’re going to play someone, you probably shouldn’t pick the widowed mother.”

Well said Tanner. Joe and Juelia were never going to make it. Can you imagine her baby toddling around with little brass knuckles? That’s just uncouth.

I’m jumping ahead of myself. Welcome to week 3 of Bachelor in Paradise! Thank you to everyone who participated in last week’s fun social media recap. I had a ball looking through all of the comments and posts. You people are funny!

But do you know who isn’t funny at all?

Joe.

WE GET IT! YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN JUELIA! My goodness, if I heard it once I heard it a thousand times last night. Do I feel sorry for Juelia? Absolutely. Do I think she handled herself with grace? You betcha. Is Clare annoyed that she is no longer the most tragic thing to barrel into Paradise? Of course. But there’s always time for spotlight shenanigans during the rose ceremony. You know—captive audiences and stuff.

She having a reeeeeaaaaallllllllly hard time keeping it together. So is Ashley I-Lashes, but for the exact opposite reasons. As Clare rushes out of the rose ceremony hut, Ash can’t help but laugh at the complete meltdown she’s witnessing. She even makes fun of the fact that Our Host Chris Harrison has to go take care of the drama queen because that’s what ABC pays him to do.

Easy Ashley. As someone older and wiser with 13 years invested into this franchise, I’m going to give you a little advice: ABC pays Chris Harrison because he’s a host of legendary status. Anyone who has the privilege of The Hare counseling him or her through a traumatic experience, even if that experience includes the word “cougar” being tossed around with a turned up nose, that person should feel lucky to have the opportunity to bask in his presence. The pheromones. Can you imagine the pheromones? You wouldn’t even have to wonder if he smells like coconut rum, Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil and a noble quest.

You would know.

While Harrison handles Clare outside of the hut, Tanner gathers the contestants around in a semi-circle to talk them through what is going on, even though he has no clue what is going on. Juelia tries not to sweat off her makeup. Ashley S. wonders out loud if Clare feels pathetic? Ashley I-Lashes cackles like a mean girl while maniacally twirling her belly button ring. And everyone else looks for Jonathan’s sleeves. Harrison gives a stern clear of the throat and they all pop back in line.

We finish up the rose ceremony with Ashley I-Lashes giving her rose to Jared and Clare giving hers to JJ, who sighs with relief since his intended rose from Tenley went to Joshua the Molly Lover. Jonathan, Mikey and the Federal Prosecutor are sent home. This makes Tenley cry. Flowers grow where her tears drop. Carly picks them up and makes a crown for her hair.

Naturally, the next six or seven minutes is dedicated to Juelia gushing over how she loves how honest and genuine Joe is and how she is falling in love with him. She has butterflies and finally feels alive for the first time in a long time. Plus, according to I-Lashes, her boobs have never looked better!

This show is harsh. H-A-R-S-H.

Suddenly, a pair of lacy pants connected to a gorgeous girl walks down the path to meet Chris Harrison. Because he’s a professional host, he reminds the viewing audience that Samantha was on The Farmer’s season and she may have uttered three sentences her entire time on the show. They talked about some other stuff, but I was too distracted by what appeared to be gold bracelets painted on her forearms. Is this a thing I should know about?

Wait. I just decided I don’t care. Moving on!

Samantha hi’s and hugs everybody, giggling the entire time. She has a date card and asks the entire group what she’s supposed to do? Just as Tenley encourages her to search her heart and take her time culling through the impressive roster of suitable men in Paradise, she chooses Joe. Without any hesitation, he says yes. The twosome leave to go giggle and flash their white teeth at each other on the outdoor bed while Juelia takes a moment to recover from the shock of what just happened.

The boys are immediately on guard, which I appreciate. Tanner and Jared pull Joe aside, with a very logical and obvious question: Did he know Samantha before arriving in Paradise? Joe lies directly to Jared’s face. The reason why we know he lied is because Joe told Tanner that he had been talking to Samantha for a month. The boys go into overprotective mode for Juelia’s sake, suggesting that Joe talk to Juelia before he leaves on his date with Samantha. His answer is, “I’m not going to do that.”

Juelia asks Tenley to please stay by her side until her boyfriend of 12 hours ago leaves with her best friend. Tenley agrees. Joe and Samantha walk up hand-in-hand like two love birds in the honeymoon phase of dating. Something smells fishy and it isn’t coming from Jorge’s kitchen. Tenely does a horrible job buffering this moment, probably because in her line of work she’s used to spontaneous fairy-tale romances. Nevertheless, the blonds unite and all hug Juelia from different angles. It’s going to be a long night.

And guess what? Joe and Samantha are doing a low-budget porno shoot for their date card! Samantha keeps her denim panties on, because this is for People Magazine and they are a family-friendly publication. Kate, the executive producer, says that the piece celebrates hot bodies! Joe immediately owns his “dad bod” and secretly gets the nerve sweats when Kate tells him that 40 million people will see this photo.

But nothing can stop him from picking Samantha up and making out with her by a pool, on a lounge chair and up against an outdoor shower. There was one too many crotch shots for my taste. And by “one too many” I mean there was one crotch shot that was unnecessary in my opinion. The shoot slowly morphs into a “brown chicken brown cow” moment and I have to look away, turn the channel, hide behind my couch and shout, “PINEAPPLE, PINEAPPLE, PINEAPPLE” in both English and Spanish.

For those of you who may not know, “pineapple” is the IHGB safe word.

So over here we have Samantha and Joe dry humping in a hot tub while over there we have Juelia questioning how Joe could have made such a quick turnaround?

Juelia: If Samantha knew what happened, it would be harder for her to connect with him.
Lincee: Oh they aren’t having a harder time connecting at all.

Joe walks in with Sam as Jade gives color commentary about how they are smiling and she’s holding flowers, so Juelia doesn’t have to turn around from the bar. Joe dives into a detailed story about their soft core photo shoot while ignoring Juelia. Once she feels she has given the moment enough time to face the awkward head-on with as much of an “I’m cool” vibe that she can muster, blond ambition thinks of an excuse to take her away. Carly, Tenley and Clare listen as she puzzles through the last day. Even Joshua offers a nice neck massage to help ease her tension.

Meanwhile, Jared takes the bull by the horns and tells Joe that Juelia deserves a conversation. Joe stands firm on “Not doing it.” He can’t be bothered by a Debbie Downer. Joshua comes up and tells Joe to grow a pair and talk to Juelia. Joe claims the role of villain and Jared straight up rolls his eyes at his friend’s complete disregard for the nice girl confused on the beach. Joshua piles on the guilt, saying that Juelia is in some form of depression.

This is where Joshua is wrong. In my opinion, Juelia is handling herself with great dignity. She’s crying a little here and there, but she’s no Ashley I-Lashes for sure. She’s not flying off the handle. She’s not talking badly about Joe. She just wants answers. If anything, she understands why Joe would pick her friend Samantha over her. But things just aren’t adding up and she wants to know why?

Joe finally bows to peer pressure and Jared’s strong jaw of disappointment. He finds Juelia on the beach and basically asks her what’s wrong. Jack wagon move. Her first order of business? Why are you ignoring me? He responds with silence. Nice. Her next question: Out of respect, you needed to come talk to me before going out with my friend Samantha. He responds with an exhausted sigh. What a chach. Juelia brings it home with a blatant statement: I feel disrespected.

Joe: I appreciate you taking the time to talk.

What a moron. Consider yourself rescued, Juelia. AND WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO SAMANTHA?!

Let’s take a break from the Juelia, Joe, Samantha triangle for a minute. With this being a 120-minute show, we have plenty of time to explore the relationships of other couples. This half-hour, it’s Carly and Kirk. Producers timed this one nicely. She gets a date card the same night her brother Zak is getting married in Ireland. Carly chose to sacrifice family time to find true love in Paradise. Low and behold she did! If there had been a traffic light around, Carly would have waited for it to turn green and then hand it to Kirk. Innuendos were flying around like Sam’s tongue in Joe’s mouth. Carly is smitten and is ready to forego tonight.

Unfortunately, Kirk isn’t as revved up as Carly. At dinner, she babbles on about love and marriage and babies as he babbles on about slowing down and slowing down and slowing down. Someone behind the camera suggests that Carly call her brother at his wedding in Ireland and he just so happens to answer. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? (Note the sarcastic font in that last sentence…) Carly gushes about Kirk to her brother who is over-the-moon that Carly has finally found love.

As if Kirk could pull the plug now. Geez. An entire wedding party in Ireland is toasting his pending engagement at that very moment.

Kirk pulls a 180. He decides that Carly is endearing. There’s absolutely zero reason why he should be pushing her away. In fact, he should be pushing her up against walls, elevators and hotel doors! That makes way more sense. Un suite de fantasia, por favor.

Not to be outdone, Ashley S. and Dan are right there too. She is so excited that she actually likes someone who is more than a Spring Break boyfriend. Even Jorge the Bartender gives his endorsement. Dan is a lasting connection.

Except no one asked Dan who happens to be at the exact same moment, confessing to the camera that he has a “low tolerance for out-of-character moments.” Which is a fancy way of saying he thinks Ashley is a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal. Whoopsie. He admits that he saw a “sneak peek into reality” and doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time. He’s willing to explore the island if needed.

Dan takes Ashely aside (probably at the encouragement of Jared) to tell her that he’s been thinking about what he wants, and oh by the way, he’s not sure if it’s her. She questions how his feelings changed over night? He tells her that it’s been a while that he’s been batting away the red flags as they fly right in his face. Ashley doesn’t want to stay if he’s not interested in her. She confides that he was her future. Even Jorge thinks so. He just sits there like a bump on a log—a character trait many of the Bachelor in Paradise men have perfected. Ashley leaves him on the outdoor bed that puts anyone with a Y chromosome into a stupor. Bye Felicia!

It’s like Bachelor in Paradise boggle. Mike Fleiss lets everyone settle and then he shakes the box to mix things up. Which brings me to the arrival of Megan.

You remember Megan, right? She’s the one that thought New Mexico was actually in Mexico? She’s one you like to watch and giggle at all the funny things she says. Then you secretly feel sad for the youth of America.

Anyway, Megan arrives wearing a blue sombero (not a typo). She’s immediately distracted by a crab and squeals about it. She’s random, a touch crazy and in desperate need of an alcoholic beverage. Of course Dan would be attracted to this! It makes all the sense in the world.

With Dan on one side, JJ is of course on the other. He will not go down without a fight. But he will be honest every step of the way. He tells Megan that he’s a dad, unemployed and lives in his mother’s basement. The good news is that she makes a really great meatloaf. YES PLEASE! Megan is quick to hand JJ the date card.

CINEMAX AFTER DARK
And now it’s that special time of the recap where I have the pleasure of writing Joe and Samantha’s hot tub times. Heaven help me. As we cut from Joe and Sam majorly making out, the others rally around Juelia still suspicious of the fact that these two seem a little too hot and heavy a little too soon. We are treated to a “keep doing that” from Joe (thank you ABC subtitles and also PINEAPPLE) as Juelia wonders if they are hitting it off. She wants to beat Joe.

Take those last sentences as far as you want to take them. I’m going to be over here watching grass grow.

Ashley S. is now on the “did they know each other before?” train. She’s the only one who asks Joe point blank. After lots of pushing, he finally admits that they did talk a little bit for about a month. Ashley declares this revelation, coupled with is blatant disregard for her friend, emotional abuse. Joe thinks everyone needs to mind their own business.

Dan talks Juelia into having another conversation with Joe because she does NOT deserve to be treated like that. I’m not sure if Dan is sincere, or if he’s trying to get Juelia’s vote later. Is she his reserve too? Until someone better comes along since Megan gave her date card to JJ?

Dan offers to grab Joe. Juelia obliges. Let me remind everyone that she is NOT crying and this was NOT her idea. She’s just trying to decide if she should throw in the towel and get back to her daughter? These are VERY GOOD QUESTIONS.

Jared and Tanner are telling Joe, again, that he’s a total dilweed. I love these two! Dan asks Joe to come down to have a little chat. Joe call him a d-bag behind his back and then puts on a very passive aggressive face. He’s irritated that “the old guys” have a problem with him and decides that they are all jealous that he has the hottest chick on the show. He marches into the room with Jade and Juelia and sits down in a huff.

Juelia: Why are you treating me like I don’t exist? Everyone has witnessed it.
Joe: Sure.

I’ll give you a second to absorb that response.

Juelia: You were not honest with me.
Joe: How so?
Juelia: Were you talking to Samantha before this started? Is that true?
Joe: It is.
Juelia: You were clearly waiting for her. I feel played.
Joe: How so?

Classic deflection.

Juelia: You said you didn’t know how to show emotions. You said you had strong feelings for me. Now you ignore me.
Joe: You and I had a great connection. Sam and I have a better one. True or false?

HEY BUTT HEAD. THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT. WHAT JACK WAGON ASKS TRUE OR FALSE IN A MOMENT LIKE THAT?

Joe: I think this has been blown out of proportion by other people. [death stare to Dan]
Juelia: It’s not just me. It’s Jonathan and Mikey. They said you were waiting for Samantha too.
Joe: No they didn’t.
Juelia: Yes. They did.
Joe: No they didn’t. They didn’t say Samantha.
Juelia: So you’re telling me that my reality is false?
Joe: I didn’t play you.

At this point, I have to make a decision: Is Joe this much of a tool that he’s truly playing the villain? Or is this real? Because he’s rivaling He Who Must Not Be Named as in the Hall of Shame.

Joe continues to dig a deeper hole as Jade looks on in disgust, Dan seethes and Juelia reflects. She finally hears me shouting through the TV, turns to Joe and drops this bomb:

Jue: Samantha is my friend. I care about her. I don’t want her to be with a guy who is a player. I have an obligation to my friend to tell her.

BOOM.

Joe: I’m sorry you feel that you were played. It’s 100-percent my fault.

Classic back pedaling. Feel the burn, Joe. Feel the burn.

The producers shove Samantha into the room. If they could turn the heat up, they would have.

Jue: This girl means the world to me. I have never felt more disrespected in my entire life than I did last night. I don’t want her to get hurt.
Joe: As a man, I will not hurt her.
Jue: Well, I felt like you said the same thing to me.

That sound you heard was me screaming, “HA HA HA HA HA!” to the top of my lungs and then apologizing to my upstairs neighbor. Samantha is thoroughly confused because she has conveniently been left out of the loop for 24-hours. She looks at Juelia and invites her to go talk.

The vein in Joe’s forehead looks exactly the same as Shawn’s when Kaitlyn told him she did the nasty with Nick. Joe is highly irritated that old Whatshername is going to ruin the best vacation he’s ever had. Heads are going to roll!