Bachelor in Paradise recap: Almost Paradise Lost
Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 2
Welcome to the second installment of Keeping Up with the Islanders: Tia and Colton Edition.
In case you were comatose during the second episode of Bachelor in Paradise, Tia is mentally picking out her china pattern and the colors of her bridesmaid dresses (blush and bashful), while Colton doesn’t really know if he’s ready to date, let alone drop down on one knee at the end of this journey.
But that’s what Paradise is for, right? To explore! To keep an open mind! To cry huge man tears when your ex walks back into your life without a howdoyoudo!
I’m getting ahead of myself.
When we last left Colton and Tia, they had just returned from a super fun date of jet skiing followed by an innocent make out sesh. Colton had fun. Tia had an epiphany. He thinks she’s great. She wants to share his last name.
The Goose Squad (did you feel my eyes roll when you read that lame moniker?) whisks Colton away so they can get to the bottom of this love triangle. Crazy Eddie Goose Chris wants Colton to know that he can’t have his cake and eat it too. It’s not FAIR.
Because everyone knows that playing fair is the number one priority in Paradise.
Jordan, Nick, and Chris use the words “intentions” and “bro” nine thousand times. Colton somehow remains calm and firmly tells the Squad that he can’t turn on a switch and magically be “back with Tia.” He just broke up with Becca after telling her he loved her, for crying out loud.
Goose: “Yeah, bro, it’s like that’s what I’m like talking about because like you still have feelings and like it’s something that like you need to like put in the past, bro. And like since you like kissed and stuff, that like totally changes everything and like she can’t like explore other people like The Goose if you’re like in the back of her head, bro.”
Colton informs the boys that he isn’t playing these rose games and gives them full permission to “go for it” with Tia. Chris asks if Tia knows this interesting bit of information. Colton claims he made it very clear that he and Tia are not an item.
Cut to Astrid asking Tia if she kissed Colton on their date and if said kiss made her “vagina dance.” Tia melts into a daydream and a sappy smile sprawls across her face. I pick my jaw up off the floor, recovering from the “vagina dance” comment.
Is Astrid the new Bibiana?
And is The Goose the new Daniel LaRrusso? What was that about? I think whoever shouted “SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY!” while Chris was karate kidding on the beach deserves a Neil Lane ring without any strings attached. Or a chance to try out for Our Host Chris Harrison’s entourage.
Later that morning, Venmo finds a date card and reads Kenny’s name as the lucky recipient. Kenny sniffs around every woman and chooses Krystal to Canadian Kevin’s dismay. While enjoying a lucha libre match, one of the rudos, or bad guys, knocks Kenny’s drink out of his hand before flirting with his glitter-infused woman.
Naturally Kenny must defend Krystal’s honor and naturally, Krystal must pretend to care.
After Kenny body slams a few guys, he takes Krystal to a nearby bench so they can talk about her “controversial” season on The Bachelor. She explains that she said things that were out of character. Kenny understands. Instead of giving her his Mexican wrestling mask, he gifts her with a kiss to make her feel safe and secure. A sweaty, gross kiss.
Back at the beach, Jordan promises to give the ABC Intern twenty minutes worth of modeling advice in exchange for a sunset dinner by the shoreline. He’s excited to spend more time with Annaliese since they are both passionate capricorns. Even though David attempts to plant “he’s not here for the right reasons (right reasons)” language in Anna’s head, she doesn’t care.
She wants to be engaged just like Jade and Carly by the end of this adventure, and the only way to do it is to say yes to anyone who shows interest. So she puts on her favorite hot pink strapless dress with a high slit, tosses her hair into a bun, and talks nonstop about being an artist, while Jordan practices his pensive and bemused facial expressions. They top the date off with a kiss.
This has heartbreak written all over it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, there isn’t enough Wells to go around for all the drama that has conjured up in the last twenty-four hours. So producers bring in some overseas bartender help in the form of Yuki who, according to People Magazine, “is the 21-year-old Japan Bachelor alum who captured audiences during Bachelor Winter Games.”
“Captured audiences” is a relative term. When my friend Amy saw Yuki mixing drinks, her sigh was so audible that I didn’t know if I should brace myself for the upcoming season or feel sad for Amy that she is one of the few who actually watched Winter Games.
I decided to do both.
While Krystal is busy trying not to make Nacho Libre jokes with Kenny, her former salsa/chip-loving firefighter is hell bent on finding a new love interest so he can score a rose and stay put in Paradise for another few days. He zeros in on Astrid.
Other than the lizard hopping on her boob, the exchange between the two was B-O-R-I-N-G. What’s not boring is Colton’s terrible football tossing game with Angela.
This action alone brings every woman to Tia’s side, irritated by Colton’s indecisiveness. Bibs is the ringtail leader, demanding that Tia deserves someone who is solid. But it’s logical Kendall who asks the smart question: “Did Colton say that you two were an item?”
Tia is convinced that the kiss meant more and she is mad, mad, mad that her beloved has stuffed her delicately in his back pocket so he can go toss a pigskin with a Disney princess in training.
Astrid wants to know what Tia’s gut tells her. Because your gut is different from your head and your heart. It’s also different from your spleen and your lungs and a hundred different body parts, but that’s neither here nor there. Who does she want? The Goose or The Gander?
Tia feels the pressure to pick Chris and all the girls cheer. No one will give Colton a rose. He will be out of the picture so Tia can concentrate on her relationship with Chris that will never live up to the weekend she had with Colton. Easy peasy.
Next up: my two favorite moments of the show.
First, Jordan promises the ABC Intern his own pair of golden underwear in exchange for a big stuffed animal in the shape of a dog that one might procure from a ring toss booth at a nearby Mexican festival. He gives the dog to Jordan and then reminds her that they have to approach things differently now that they share a pet.
Call me crazy, but I laughed.
Then, Nick tells the camera that he and Chelsea had a phenomenal connection and he hopes he gets her rose.
That’s when I spit out my drink all over my keyboard. Luckily, ABC chose this exact moment to replay the phenomenal conversation when Chelsea faked an illness to get out of spending time with Nick.
When speaking with my radio friends Jessica and Murphy (Star 101) in Pennsylvania this morning, Murphy said that Nick reminded him of Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait.
I give you Nick’s personality doppelgänger.
Joe and Kendall bask in their nerd love. Then Venmo and Kendall bask in their nerd love. Hello triangle.
Tia decides that she and Colton should have a little come to Jesus meeting. Her theory? If she gives him her rose, he will know it’s his green light to a second chance. He can then decide if he wants to be with her and they can go from there.
Worst idea ever.
Tia tells Colton that all the girls have warned her not to put herself into a situation like Mother Russia did with Deanie Babies last year. Remember how devastated she was? Colton is doing his best to stay transparent. He came to Paradise to be selfish and take risks. And he doesn’t want Tia to see all that.
Tia: “See what?”
Colt: “I don’t want you seeing me be open and talking to other people. I owe it to myself to explore and figure out what I want.”
Angry Tia comes out to play. She thinks Colton is ignoring the woman sitting right in front of him. And she wants to know if it bothers him that she kissed The Goose.
Guess what? It doesn’t.
Very Angry Tia comes out to play now. Through hot tears she explains that she has waiting on men to decide what they wanted all her life and she’s not doing that anymore.
Colton, again remaining as calm as he can, tells Tia that he just spent two months investing himself in Becca, thinking they were on the same page. But that didn’t work out.
Tia: “THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”
Colton: “I’m dating.”
Tia: “If I’m not your first choice, I don’t want to be your second choice. Nobody else wants to give you a rose.”
Okay, let me get this straight. Tia is essentially upset that Colton didn’t leave Becca’s season and come running back into her arms. So she thinks that they will rekindle a romance in Paradise. When he asks her out on a date, this seals the deal. In her brain, a kiss means “you’re my lobster in Paradise.” In his brain, a kiss means “this is fun.”
The combination of Colton not sticking by her side, throwing a football with Angela, and every female islander telling her that Colton is back burnering her makes Tia give Colton an ultimatum. Choose me or go home.
Then she claims she’s not forcing him to choose her if he doesn’t want to, even though they had the best weekend ever. She compares those (I’ll be generous) five days to the two months he spent falling in love with Becca.
Tia incorrectly assumes that Colton’s presence in Paradise is all about her. Colton incorrectly assumes that he won’t look like a jack wagon if he shows up to Paradise to “figure things out.”
The Goose wiggles his way into the equation with sweet tea gestures and horrific white pants, promising that he is ready for Tia to be his lobster.
Are we all on the same page now?
Knowing that his time in Paradise may be at its end, Colton heads straight to Angela to lay a foundation that may result in a rose bud. She’s a little more chilly this go around and calls him out for being a “hot topic of conversation.” She also wonders if he’s ready to be here because some of the guys think he’s not.
Cue Colton approaching the Goose Squad, beseeching them to please keep their mouths shut regarding his very complicated relationship with Tia. How he didn’t punch Nick in his ‘90s teen angst movie mouth is beyond me.
Krystal – Kenny
Astrid – Kevin
Tia – Goose
Kendall – Joe
Anna – Jordan
Nysha – Eric
Chelsea – David
Angela – Venmo
The Bibs – Colton
We knew that Colton was too pretty to go home just like that. However, I did think that Angela would cave and give him her rose. Instead, she gives it to Venmo. Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but did we ever see her talk to Venmo once? And do you think Tia will cut Bibiana for saving Colton in the last seconds?
Bye Nick. I won’t miss you. Better luck next time, Wills.
Our Host Chris Harrison shows up the next morning and announces that something big is about to happen. He makes the guys leave and invites Becca to chit-chat with the ladies.
Tia practically jumps and straddles her friend and dominates the conversation so much that Becca asks for a private audience with her. They head down to the beach, where the boys are sitting around on the beach bed, and Colton has an emotional reaction to his former flame.
For real. He has to get up and go sit by the rocks. He may throw up. He takes to his bed to cry it out, while Tia babbles on about how cute the resort is and how Colton can’t seem to make up his mind about her.
Why? BECAUSE HE’S STILL IN LOVE WITH BECCA!
Colton can’t form a sentence. He can’t mentally handle the emotions coursing through his veins. When David comes to check on him and suggest he gets closure from Becca since SHE’S RIGHT THERE, he falls into another fit of hysteria.
Then he admits that he he didn’t know if he was ready to get back out there in the dating world. Now he knows he isn’t. And he’s just realizing it. Seeing Becca took him back to those wounds. He pretended to be good for so long, because he was supposed to be the perfect All-American guy.
But he’s not good. He’s broken. And he wants to go home.
That’s when Mike Fleiss sends Tia in to have a little chat with her ex-boyfriend.
Is Tia the worst for going up there? Or do you think she has a clue what’s going on? We’ll find out TONIGHT!