Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 3

The main thing you should know about this Bachelor in Paradise episode is that everyone is playing musical partners. Just when you think a couple has reached the pinnacle of Jade and Tanner status, someone comes waltzing down the cobblestone steps to mix things up a bit.

This allows our peninsula dwellers to “explore” and “keep an open mind” so others may inquire where there head is at.

It’s also the episode of the Black Modesty Box. Wow. The production department really had to work overtime with Jenna rolling around on beach beds in compromising positions for the majority of the episode. I’ve never been so happy to see an opaque rectangle in all my life.

Let’s get down to business. When we last left Colton, he was in a pile of man tears, wishing Becca had never set foot on the BIP beach. Yet there she is, creeping into his hut like someone who has been paid an extra five grand and a week-long stay in an adjacent five-star Mexican resort.

It was a lot more dramatic than what I anticipated. All you need to know is that Colton felt the feels for Becca, but she gave him the freedom and closure he needed to move on. So he’s going to try once again to find love, or at least a romantic distraction, in Paradise.

Let the record show that he did sniff her hair when she hugged him good-bye.

Goose is of course baffled by this turn of events. Didn’t Colton just announce to the world that he was going home because he can’t handle the pressure? Now he’s strutting his beefcake self around the cabanas like he owns the joint? How is he supposed to explore and establish a legitimate connection with Tia with Mr. All-American hanging around cramping his style?

Meanwhile, Annaleise tells everyone who will listen that Jordan is fabulous and will make an amazing husband. He ticks all of her boxes and she is elated that she has finally found happiness.

This is what we call the “kiss of death.” As if on cue, Jenna enters Anna’s world and turns it completely upside down with her pink hair, effervescent personality, spiky fingernails, lack of bikini bottom, and ability to have deep conversations about the purpose of life.

Newsflash: She’s also an alien. But a nice, happy one, so don’t be afraid.

She makes a beeline for, you guessed it, Jordan and they have an immediate connection. Some call it love at first sight. She compliments his eyes. He tells her she is the girl version of him, which is code for: You are gorgeous.

Jenna speaks to a few more people, but ultimately chooses to invite Jordan on a super fun date right in front of everyone, including teary Annaleise. Bless it. The worst part is that everyone cheers when the newly coupled pair head out for their date and then they all discuss how perfect Jordan and Jenna are together.

Seriously. Bless it. Annaleise is RIGHT THERE. None of these jokers care and I find that heartbreaking. The closest anyone came to consoling her was Astrid telling the camera that Anna probably thinks this entire scenario sucks.

Never fear. Anna is going to hold on for one more day. She will not write Jordan off. He was just being polite with the promiscuous woman in the nude bikini who whisked him away to ride horses.

I’m surprised how much ABC got away with during this date. There was some serious necking, kissing, tongue action, and groaning going on. Not to mention all the black boxes. The somewhat positive moment that came out the date was when Jordan and Jenna returned and Jordan let Anna off the hook since his chemistry with Jenna was undeniable.

Well, he sort of let her off the hook. He did say that if Jenna doesn’t pick him, he will surely bestow his rose to Anna for being so cool to wait in the wings.

Yeah, she’ll probably get scalded hanging out on Jordan’s back burner, but at least she knows it’s halfway over. Jordan didn’t jerk her around like some jack wagons who wear Karate Kid headbands.

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While Jordan gushes about his make out sesh with his new flame, David swoops in and serves Jenna some birthday flan. Way to go ABC Intern! Flan is a tough dish to prepare!

Jordan makes his way over to the beach bed where David has made himself oh so comfortable by Jenna’s Black Modesty Box. He pees all over her so that David knows it’s time to hit the road. Although Jenna giggles at the pomp and circumstance of Jordan symbolically tossing David’s flan into the sand, Jenna makes it know that David is cute and funny.

Jordan: “He’s just mad that I matched with his mom on Tinder.”

Best burn ever. I’ll even ignore his Mr. Rogers rant that made zero sense because that line was golden.

Next to arrive is Caroline. Bless her insecure heart. I just want to gift her with a book about insecurity (digital version on sale for $2.99 for the month of August!) and brush her hair. She dorks out with Grocery Store Joe and forgets him when she has to go to the bathroom. She flat out ignores Colton, Jordan flat out ignores her because she has “step-mom vibes,” and she ends up asking Venmo to join her on a date.

This sends Anna into a tailspin because she had her eye on Venmo now that Jordan is permanently up Jenna’s butt. She also wanted to chat up Joe, but he’s with Kendall, and also Kenny, but he’s with Krystal and WHHHYYYYYYYYYY IS LIFE SOOOOO UNFAAIIIIRRRRRRRR?

Venmo does a great job moving the conversation along at dinner, yet he becomes visibly annoyed with Caroline when she can’t seem to stop naming all of the stray cats and dogs in Mexico. When Ven finally lands her attention, a mariachi band marches strolls down the road. They sway to the abrasive tunes of the trumpet and Venmo goes in for the kiss, because why not?

Caroline is officially blown away. There’s a definite spark. MAGIC if you will. An instant connection. She would be surprised if she didn’t get his rose.

What’s the opposite of foreshadowing?

Jubilee.

She comes in with a date card in hand and after being politely declined by the hunky Canadian firefighter, she asks Venmo to join her while Caroline is straight up snuggling in his arms. Caroline finds Jubilee’s timing incredibly awkward. Instead of getting mad, she takes to her bed and wallows in her insecurity.

Jubilee and Venmo zip line through the foliage and then eat dinner in a treehouse. She asks him several times what he does for a living (software development) and they bond over how she’s a nerd, too. He finally admits that he basically invented Venmo and she’s impressed. Not by his money, but by his brain.

Venmo digs Jubs.

Do you know who’s not digging her significant other? Krystal. After Kenny draws a heart in the sand, lines it with candles, and snags two strawberries from Wells’ margarita supplies, Krystal encourages him to explore other options and build opportunities with other people. Also, she will always have her back.

Welcome to the Friend Zone.

Sweet Kenny and Eric discuss some Pavlovian metaphor with rats and cheese and a maze for twenty minutes. I was confused. Eric thought it was deep, bro. To each his own.

Meanwhile, Tia is on cloud nine now that she has defined the relationship with the Goose. Even though she’s still unsure about who may come walking down the cobblestone steps at any minute, Goose tells her that he is in this to win this. He sees potential and he is going after what he wants.

Tia runs and tells all the girls that she is one date away from Janner status. By the week’s end, she will be Gia. Or Toose. Whatever. The point is that she is finally happy and in LOVE!

At the exact same time, Krystal eyes Goose and meanders over to his beach bed so they can continue the “refreshing” conversation they had earlier. Goose divulges that he is not in a relationship and has never kissed a blond. He wants Krystal to hold that title for him.

Oh, I get it. So when he told Tia he was in this to win this and saw potential in her and was going after what he wanted, the “her” was Krystal. He’s going after to the glitter bomb. This all makes perfect sense.

The next morning, Goose brags about the line he fed Krystal and laughs about how they made out all night long. The Canadian tells Colton who immediately tells Tia. Colton doesn’t want to see his former flame hurt. He also doesn’t want to see her with a chach like the Goose.

Jordan concocts an interesting game plan for the Goose. He suggests Goose have “appetizers” with Anna, Krystal as his “main dish,” and dessert with Bibiana. Then Tia is his late-night sobering moment.

“The Goose is ready to fly tonight.”

Yeah. I have a feeling he and something else are going to fly into the fan. Here comes Tia with an ominous, “We need to talk.”

Four women are going home after the rose ceremony. Who do you think stays? Will Goose give his rose to Krystal or Tia? Will Venmo give his rose to Caroline or Jubilee? Will David mess things up and give his rose to Jenna before Jordan has a chance?

Sound off in the comments section!