Bachelor in Paradise recap: All eggs, no basket
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Season 5, Episode 4
There were four moments from last night’s show that made me so happy:
- Yuki called Daniel San Chris “Silly Goose,” instead of just plain ole goose. I couldn’t have been more pleased.
- Tia is concerned that she’s putting all of her eggs in Colton’s basket, yet he doesn’t even have a basket. Nothing could be more fabulous.
- Jordan dragging that giant stuffed dog through the sand tickled my funny bone. You can hear me cackle on my InstaStories. Thanks to my friend Stephanie for capturing the cackle.
- Bibiana lamenting that the new people who arrive on the island are fresh and clean, not reeking of sweat or “that smell you get from paradise.”
I think we can all guess what paradise smells like. Well, unless Chris Harrison is around. Who wouldn’t want to bathe in his lime and coconut-scented pheromones?
I’m off topic. On with the recap.
Tia’s requests a “come to Jesus” meeting with The Goose when Colton
tattles reports that the dirty fowl was seen hooching it up with Krystal. This is when we, the audience, are gifted with seeing a manipulative master at work.
Tia: You looked me in the eye. You said you wanted to fight for me.
Goose: Why are you mad? Because I had a moment with Krystal?
Tia: YOU KISSED HER.
Goose: But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.
Tia: You’re just telling me things I want to hear.
Goose: I didn’t do anything wrong. I know what I want.
As if on cue, Krystal walks up, nodes in full force, with an annoying, “Hiiiiiiii guuyyyyssssss!” The Goose doesn’t flinch. He simply invites Krystal to sit at his feet so he can explain the mechanics of a love triangle and how he’s a stud for having two women essentially fight over him and his dumb bandana.
Cut the crap, Chris. We all know you’re hiding a big fat stress-induced zit under there.
Tia: He kissed you (Krystal) but said he has feelings for me earlier that day. I don’t want you (Krystal) to be hurt because he’s such a BLEEP.
The Goose dials it up a notch by throwing Colton in Tia’s face, claiming he didn’t know what she was doing with him the other night. The Goose also blames Tia for practically thrusting him into Krystal’s well-toned arms.
Tia: We didn’t do anything!
Goose: That’s not my business.
Suddenly, Krystal puts two and two together and realizes that she’s in a love square with these two jokers and the virgin. Moreover, she’s the bottom left corner, which everyone knows is the lamest of all corners. Color her a little bit confused and a lotta bit mad.
Tia stands up and both symbolically and physically removes herself from all geographical shapes. There will be no triangles. No squares. She’s done. She a linear stick figure with a top knot and boobs.
The Goose: That’s fine. I already made the decision.
Tia: Daaaaammmmnnnn dude.
Krystal: So you’re no longer exploring (vomit) with the Goose anymore?
The Goose: I was always pulling myself out of this. So long, Tia.
Krystal ignores all of the red flags and chooses to explore the spark she feels with this jack wagon of a man. But when he opts to drink one of Wells’ famous tequila shots instead of hanging out with her, she positions herself by the pool and cries invisible tears.
It’s Bibiana to the rescue! Our resident therapist reminds Krystal that she is no longer a villain. Remember when she cut things off with Kenny before sticking her tongue down the Goose’s throat? That’s respectful! She mustn’t get wrapped up in Tia’s confusion. Learn to separate yourself from the drama.
Bibs: Take some time to figure things out. Sage yourself. You are not a b!tch, Krystal. I am.
Takes one to not know one, right?
For the next twenty minutes, Tia talks to anyone with a pulse about her feelings for Colton. She likes how he’s honest with his indecisiveness and this makes her kinda wanna date him again even though they’ve never been on the same page throughout their relationship, which has been in existence for a grand total of ten days. Caroline encourages her to go after what she wants.
Do you know who else goes after what she wants? Jacqueline. The latest character to storm the beaches of paradise. You remember her, right? She’s the really smart one with shiny hair who just couldn’t make it work with Arie.
Naturally Jacqueline makes a beeline for Colton, which sends Tia into another emotional spiral of despair. She even threatens to throw herself into a boulder.
I might pay money to see her attempt that. And I’ll give her some money to take off that burgundy bikini she’s been wearing for two days in a row.
Crotch rot is real, y’all. Did she not read the safety tip sheet in her Paradise welcome packet?
Jacqueline puts it all out on the line and asks Colton to be her date. He turns her down, explaining that he can’t make the most of the date because he doesn’t want to see Tia get hurt, even though they are not a thing.
He heads to the women’s cabana with Wells’ salt shaker so he can rub it into Tia’s wounds. She’s flipping out that he would have the audacity to check on her before his spectacular date with Jacqueline.
Colt: I’m not going on the date. I said no to her. I wouldn’t hurt you like that.
Back and forth. Babble, babble, babble. He’s unsure. He doesn’t want to hurt her. She’s given up on the Goose, but she’s not secure in their relationship, which again, is ten days old. He hugs her. She pushes him away. He’s still wearing the flamenco shirt. She’s still wearing the burgundy bikini. We are all confused by what’s going on. Especially when Tia says she’s wearing her heart on her sleeve.
I guess by “sleeve” she means the triangle swatch over both boobs.
Well, Bibiana isn’t confused. She’s convinced Colton hearts Tia, otherwise, he would be out on a date with Jacqueline instead of Kenny. Tia agrees, but she also thinks someone else needs to remind him of that. Wink, wink.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Kenny charm each other by speaking Slovakian and casually tossing out Edgar Allan Poe references. He calls her “pretentious” and she laughs.
Not the reaction I would have expected from Jacqueline. I guess she’s intrigued that someone on the island knows enough to quote Poe’s work, let alone know who he is in the first place. That’s probably why she made out with him during the fireworks.
When Kenny returns, sweet little chocolate-covered Annaliese feeds him melted ice cream. Ten minutes later, he makes out with Bibiana because someone needs to secure a rose before the next ceremony. Bonus: He likes her big booty.
The Goose hits up Krystal, who is fixing her make up, and tells her he has a surprise. We don’t know if it was the roofie in her drink or his horrific holey pants. Regardless, he tells Krystal that she is an “unexpected crazy.”
It’s official. The guys on this show don’t know how to hand out a compliment.
Krystal is glad the Goose is super into her because there are so many reasons to pursue her. She likes cooking, investing in people, her IRA, and she can roll with the punches when forced into a love triangle. All the things!
That night at the cocktail party, Colton marches up to Tia to tell her that he is in this to win this. Thanks to Bibiana and her teary monologue recapping how he is a complete chach for not seeing that Tia is ENOUGH and how he’s a moron for waiting around for his person when she is right there. This is not complicated.
Colton basically says he can’t date anyone else while he’s in Paradise. And since he doesn’t want to leave Paradise, he will date her.
Tia: You’re picking me?
Lincee: Technically, he’s picking the beach and Wells’ famous margaritas, but since the music is swelling in a romantic way right now, I’ll let you think what you want Tia!
Jordan arrives in a red ensemble that features a floral vest and matching pants. It also has a suit and tie with it, but he’s unwilling to sweat through those at the moment. Everyone thinks he looks silly, but Jenna thinks the plunging vest really brings out his chest hair. When Our Host Chris Harrison arrives looking all sorts of FINE in a grey suit with purple accents, he doesn’t even make contact with Jordan.
I appreciate how Our Host insists on remaining devastatingly handsome with all the chaos around him. You’re my hero, Harrison.
Jordan is unfazed by the snickers. He’s just interested in executing his best modeling poses for Jenna — the “most stacked girl in Paradise.” He drones on and on about how she’s the best kisser (with her “mmmm hmmmm” sounds) and her enthusiastic clap/laugh combo.
In other news:
Caroline, who is woefully uninteresting, tells Venmo that she thought of him the entire time he was with Jubilee on their date. Then she kisses him in the sand and surf. She’s pretty proud of herself for having the guts to approach him, but her wedding daydreams are dashed when she hears that Jubilee is currently lathering Venmo up with some tantalizing oil for an exotic massage.
Astrid checks out Beefcake Kevin’s sausage and then drinks beer out of a stein and speaks German.
Annaliese arranges for the ABC Intern to set up a wrestling mat and some Nacho Libre masks/capes so she and Kenny can fake fight and real make out.
Jacqueline worries about being “too old” at age twenty-seven for Kenny.
David gives Jenna a big dog (similar to the one Jordan gave Annaliese forever ago) for her birthday. Jordan stomps up to the beach bed, grabs the dog, drags it through the sand, and then chucks it into the ocean. Jenna tries to talk to him, but she can’t seem to get through thanks to the steam pouring from his ears.
When David shows up to defend his honor, Jordan flips out. For some reason, he attacks Cholivia and “I don’t know your name” (read: Jubilee). Krystal appreciates his passion until he tells the girl to shut the BLEEP up.
When Krystal tells the camera someone has crossed a line, you better believe that the line has been crossed.
Eric (yeah, he’s still on the island) and Anna try and talk some sense into Jordan. It’s hard to concentrate with all that flora and fauna vying for their attention, but they finally focus and get through to him. He’s a better person than this and needs to apologize.
So Jordan does apologize and all is sort of right with the world. He even gets to hand his rose to Jenna, who accepts with a giggle. David in turn gives his to Cholivia. Then all the couples hand roses to each other: Kevin/Astrid, Goose/Krystal, Grocery Store Joe/Kendall, Colton/Tia, and Eric/Disney Princess.
Venmo spends ten seconds staring at two women before deciding to give his rose to Jubilee instead of Caroline. And then Kenny spends ten seconds staring at three women before deciding to give his rose to Annaliese.
Jacqueline, Nysha, Caroline, and RA Bibana are out.
Next up? Leo enters Paradise and inserts himself directly between GS Joe and Kendall.
I don’t like where this is going…