Bachelor in Paradise: Season 5, Episode 7

Although we did have a fight, in which zero punches were thrown, as well as another phallic moment with a food item, Bachelor in Paradise season 5 is all about the couples who do nothing but sleep and drink. Kudos to this season’s cast for going out of their way to find such perfect love!

To make this recap as painless as possible, I’m going to concentrate on the highlight reel, because I doubt you care that Beefcake Kevin made Astrid a television set out of driftwood and The Goose asked Krystal to teach him how to do yoga.

Here’s what you need to know:

Kendall / Grocery Store Joe / Leo
First of all, the nickname Tarzan has been adopted by the entire beach, thanks to Leo’s propensity to always wear animal print. Everyone is upset that Leo has been so mean to Kendall and all vow that he should be the next one voted off the island.

Grocery Store Joe saves Kendall from talking in circles with the big lug and she talks a mile a minute about how Leo has been contradicting himself this entire time. It was a fool’s errand to fall for him.

Grocery Store Joe refrains from saying, “Yeah I don’t care about your almost relationship with Leo,” and instead encourages Kendall to relax. Leo’s a jerk. Don’t freak out because he’s a douche canoe.

The next day, Venmo asks Kendall to “take a walk” which we all know is code for “let’s get cozy on a beach bed.” I’m not sure how I feel about this guy anymore. Why would he try to throw yet another wrench in Kendall’s wheel by placing his hand on her thigh?

To make matters worse, Leo stirs the pot by asking Joe how he feels about Kendall making out with Venmo. GS Joe remains cool even in this scenario.

It’s actually Kendall who cracks. She leaves Venmo, heads to Joe, and confesses that Venmo kissed her. But the good news is that SHE FELT NOTHING. In fact, GS Joe was the first person who popped into her mind once their sun-drenched lips parted.

Her curiosities have been quenched. It’s all Joe, all day. And they defined the relationship right then and there.

Which means, Grocery Story Joe will be the recipient of Kendall’s rose and everybody knows it, including Leo. This gives him full authority to go ahead and act like a jack wagon during the rose ceremony. He belittles Kendall in front of everyone, claims the cast is full of sh!t, and tells his former flame, “Good luck with Grocery Store B!tch.”

That’s when we hear a distinct Chicago accent say, “Why don’t you say it to my face?”

Joe follows Leo and asks him again. So Leo does. He calls him a b!tch to Joe’s face. And then tosses his drink all over Joe’s fresh ice blue Henley.

Before punches can be thrown, all of the production team leap couches, toss drunk women aside, and separate Kendall’s lovebirds. Joe quickly calms down. Kendall handles the situation beautifully, of course. Jenna starts crying because “fighting makes me sad,” and Krystal offers to smudge the place of all jungle douchebaggery.

Chelsea / The Leftovers
Once everyone recovers from the fight, a quick head count deduces that Chelsea is the sole woman who has no idea where her rose should go. Therefore, she inadvertently indulges in her own mini version of The Bachelorette. All the single boys bring their milkshakes to her yard, claiming she is a fascinating person. All have felt connections and all want to see where this goes.

And all stick their tongues down her throat, excluding the Chicken. He decides to play the honest game, mentioning to Chelsea that he would like to stay and see if he can find a love connection with someone who may show up the next day if she’s not interested in any of the yahoos left from which to choose.

In the end, she chooses Venmo (dolla, dolla bills, y’all) and Connor, Chicken, and Benoit are sent home with Leo who’s currently stuck in a Mexican airport. Benoit is devastated. He is unlovable and pulls a Crouching Mesnick Hidden Jungle right there at the rejection SUV. I felt bad for him.

Chelsea is excited to get to know Venmo better. He is excited to get to know the new girl from Arie’s season, Olivia. She invites him on her date and they awkwardly wander up on a quinceañera, crash the party, and dance like dorks. Then they make out.

I’m afraid Chelsea might be going home next week.

Tia / Colton
She has a pelvis for birthing and he doesn’t believe in underwear.

Jenna / Jordan / Benoit
Jenna tells Benoit that she broke up with him because it’s what was best for the BOTH of them. Hold the phone maple syrup, blondie. You can’t tell Benoit what to feel. How does she know?

This sends Jenna into a tailspin of emotion. She takes to a hammock and covers her face with a pillow, certain Jordan will find her nerves in a kerfuffle. Jordan recognizes immediately that something has crushed his woman’s soul. Jenna tells us, but I don’t speak whiny baby, so I was unable to translate. All I know is that Jordan is mad at Benoit for “yelling at his girl.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. In an unprecedented moment, Wells of all people steps in and lets Jordan know that Benoit did no such thing. Lucky for Benoit, his little ête-à-tête with Jenna happened right in front of everyone at the bar. So Wells was an eye-witness. Crisis averted.

Also, I think Jenna is drunk ninety-percent of the time.

Disney Princess / Eric / Cassandra
Eric gets a date card and asks Angela to join him in a tricked out hotel suite, full of all the luxuries one could ever want or need. Golden toilet? Check. Bathtub full of chilled champagne? Check. Hot fudge sundae bigger than your face? Of course.

Angie and Eric eat their weight in seafood and ice cream before moving the cheese. She discards her magic carpet pants in lieu of a fluffy robe. Eric promises her that this is the real deal. Both are ALL IN and very excited to see where this is going. They are totally the next Janner.

Cue Cassandra walking down the cobblestone path the next morning. And cue all guys slow-mo utter “Daaaammmmmnnnnnn.” Grocery Store Joe helps the viewer fully understand the attraction.

Joe: She’s pretty. With big boobs.

Got it.

But who is this Cassandra woman? Why do I not know her?

Well, I’ll tell you why. ABC had to deep dive back into the franchise archives to drum up a contestant from Juan Pablo’s season. And because I love each and every one of you reading these words, I’ve researched some of Cassandra’s greatest hits from 2014.

Recap: “Juan fine day”
Cassandra
Age: 21
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI
Why you remember her: Cassandra wore a flesh colored dress and a lovely bun. She looked like Ashley Greene at Halloween dressed as Krystle Carrington. She introduced herself to Juan Pablo, told him she was a dancer and then sat in uncomfortable silence for a generous ten seconds. Props to the sound department for adding cricket noises to the package.
Status: Somehow she got a rose. I imagine it’s because she’s very bendy.

Recap: “Juan singular sensation”
Cassandra’s occupation is former NBA dancer. Interesting. I’m a former Jungle Cruise Skipper, yet Disney has never sent me a check since I hung up my monochromatic khaki uniform fifteen years ago. She publicly confesses to being “slightly afraid of heights.” Fifty bucks says Cassandra’s name is on some sky diving list right now. She also admits she LOVES when her date holds her hand. When asked about what turns her off on a date? “When he doesn’t hold my hand.”  Bless her heart.

Recap: “You’re the Juan that I want”
Cassandra is nine-feet tall and probably models in her spare time. Set these facts aside and there’s still no excuse for her wearing a romper, even if it is her first date in three years. Why the industry chooses to make rompers for anyone over the age of twenty-four months is beyond me. I need to just accept that this is happening and toss it into the same quizzical category of LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS and A SHIRT DOES NOT A DRESS MAKE.

Naturally, ABC spends ten minutes up in Angie’s face as she drones on and on and on about how she and Eric are the perfect match, rock solid, and an official item. Not only did Eric tell her that he would not go on another date, but he’s a genuine guy who wouldn’t do that to her.

Oh, but he would.

It seems that Eric felt one thing yesterday and another thing this morning. Now that it’s the middle of the afternoon, he thought it was the perfect time to share his revelation with Angie. Right after Cassandra asked him out on a date. Convenient.

His defense? “We’re in a great place. That’s why this is okay. I need to test the water to see where we are really at. These are my truths. Hopefully you understand.”

Not only does Angela not understand, but this turn of events sends a panic ripple through all of the women in a “stable” relationship, who wonder if their coupledom is as strong as they perceive.

Angela spends the remainder of the time in the bathroom, crying with Jenna. To quote Krystal, “Everyone here is shook.”

I hope she has more sage. This is going to be a major smudge.