Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Season 5, Episode 8

Well, after this morning’s announcement, my feelings about the bachelor franchise are all over the map. Bachelor in Paradise seems like an odd wonderland right now, where unlike Alice, the girls traipse around in bikinis with weird blobs attached to their butts. The guys are the Mad Hatter, unable to make decisions that make sense. There are lots of dodo birds, numerous fake smiles like the Cheshire cat, and Chris Harrison is the Queen of Hearts.

You know he wants to scream, “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

But he refrains. Because he is a good and wise host.

I wanted heads to roll last night, too. Three hours of this show can be described to some as torture. As Astrid so wisely put it, when the guys have the power during the rose ceremony, emotions are raw and the tension is palpable. What makes matters worse is that Eric straight up ditched his Disney princess Angela for a newbie.

Y’all. They were legit. They were tight. They were ALL IN, in case you didn’t know. Because of Eric’s terrible decision, a ripple of uncertainty bursts through the cabana huts and all the women walk on egg shells, wondering if their solid relationships are going to crumble when the next available woman in a whimsical romper comes sauntering into their paradise.

But before we get to that, we have to address the Cia situation. Or Tolton. Tilton? Coa?

Whatever. We don’t have to give them a cute mash-up name because Coltia isn’t a thing anymore.

The first dark cloud starts to hang around when Tia shares Colton’s nachos down by the swimming pool. As she babbles on about how honesty is the best policy and Eric is a chach for doing what he did to Angela, Colton’s face hardens. I’m not sure if it’s because Tia’s grubby paws were all over his food, or if this was the first twinge of guilt he feels.

Next, we find Colton consulting with Old Man Kevin, who has graduated from hunky fireman to beach bed counselor. Colton confesses that he’s heart is not in it with Tia. And she deserves someone who is all in. He wants her to be happy. He wants to make her happy. But in the process, he’s just not happy. And he’s tired of making other people happy before himself.

Meanwhile, Tia tells Astrid that she and Colton couldn’t be in a better place. In fact, she has the perfect wedding theme for their nuptials back in Weiner. Think nautical. Seashells, boats, and sailor collars with sailor hats. Adorbs!

Colton wanders over to Tia and Astrid immediately knows something is up. Astrid wants to know why he’s been crying. He takes Tia away in silence.

Uh oh.

He wastes no time ripping the Band-Aid. “I wanted this to work. It’s just not there.”

Oh, the tears. They are everywhere! He’s crying. She’s sobbing. Both decide to leave Paradise and inevitably share a plane back to the States. Awkward.

Astrid reports that no one saw this coming. Now that both Eric and Colton have pulled out-of-the-blue stunts, everyone gets horizontal with alcohol to process what just happened. Poor Jenna is the worst of all because she feels ALL the feels.

My favorite part? Venmo John missing the entire ordeal because he was napping. Out of everyone on that beach, Venmo certainly has the most game. And that can make a man hella tired.

That night, everyone is on edge again. Eric and Cassandra have been out on their date, riding horses in a parade/rodeo. Angela has been crying all day, but she manages to pull it together in a daring bandana outfit to appear totally chill when Eric gets back.

Everyone is shooketh when Eric doesn’t even acknowledge Angela’s existence. Finally he asks for a private audience and she tells him first that he hurt her feelings. Also, what’s up with saying one thing but doing another? How can he call her his lady at midnight and then eight hours of sleep later, say he’s changed his mind?

There’s a bunch of talk about being “all in.” Angela thinks that everyone knows what that means, but apparently Eric did not get that memo. Also, I think he wants to be “all in” in a physical way, if you know what I mean.

So Angela does what anyone in her situation would do. She tells Cassandra. And Cassandra considers this a big red flag, so she tells Eric that the relationship has now been tarnished. Eric tries to double talk his way out of the conversation, but it only makes him look like a bigger jack wagon to Cassandra and everyone watching at home.

Cassandra: “Now it’s all icky. It’s a big turnoff.”

You know what else is icky? The Goose’s baby sprouts on his forehead. Thank you Jordan for taking care of that situation. MOVING ON!

Shushanna from Ben’s season shows up in a cold shoulder top, that just reveals only one cold shoulder. Props to Shu for taking this trend to another level. She has a date card, but before she can read it, old Scallop Fingers Christen arrives with a date card, too.

DOUBLE DATE!!!

Annaliese speaks very fast to the camera, assuring the people behind it, and herself, that Kamil would never, ever, ever go on a date because their relationship is rock solid. In fact, it’s the strongest on the beach.

Cue Shu asking Kamil on a date. You see, she’s been stalking our boy on Instagram and has conjured up a fake relationship in her head already. How convenient! Kamil is charmed and responds in the affirmative, confessing that he and Anna are in the friend zone.

Anna says this action does not bother her in the slightest because she trusts this dude with her head and her heart and her lady parts. She considers this a test. A challenge. Kamil lets her know he will be leaving her for a few hours to hang out with another woman in a scantily clad bikini and Anna is all, “Go, you silly rascal. Have fun and think of me!”

Uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhh. This makes me hate things.

Christen chooses Venmo and they all have fun on Jorges Torges riding a banana. Not a euphemism. Shu gets a little smooch from Kamil, while Anna tells everyone not to worry.

Of course we shouldn’t worry. Do you know why? Because Paradise is magical and actually works. Just ask Ashley I-Lashes and Jared who are currently getting engaged on the beach right in front of everyone, including her ex-fiance. How fun!

Low blow, ABC. Kevin has managed to become one of my favorite cast members and you pull this d-bag move? Uncool.

Kevin, being a nice man, actually congratulates Ashley before understandably brooding in the shadows. Astrid tries to talk him through it, but she really doesn’t want to hear how he thinks he was a pawn in Ashley’s love game with Jared. Then he vents to Jordan, revealing that he was a “big part of her life,” which is another way to say he was responsible for Ashley’s deflowering.

Later, Kevin tells Astrid that he loves her. ABC tries to make amends by giving him a date card. He and Astrid make out in a margarita-shaped inflatable floatie as Mexican dancers twirl to the soothing, unromantic tones of a mariachi band.

Over on the beach, Kamil and company come back from the double date and Anna can’t wait five seconds before stealing her beau away. In the only surprising moment of the night, Kamil tells her that he doesn’t have any feelings for the Russian and he’s excited to be back.

Anna: I KNEW IT!!!
Kamil: I’m all in.
Lincee: Like Eric “all in” or norma “all in?” I feel we need to make a distinction given the history here in Paradise.

Anna rewards Kamil by suggesting they spend the night together.

Uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhh. This makes me hate things. And her now.

Olivia does something special for Venmo, which is basically presenting him with a plate of apple slices. Cassandra suddenly is Team Eric again. Christen is desperate to find someone who will give her a rose, since Venmo seems into Olivia. And Shu is annoyed that “the blonde girl” is back up in Kamil’s grill.

Wells encourages her to go talk to Kamil while Yuki stands there confused. Shu steals Kamil away from Anna and asks why he is no longer into her? In a roundabout way, he tells her she did a poor job of breaking down her walls. This makes Shu cry and when Kamil tries to console her, she wiggles out of his grip.

Hooray!

Saddened by her dashed fake Instagram relationship, a fresh wave of “oh snap” sweeps over her when she realizes there’s no way she’s going to get a rose now.

Suddenly, Harrison arrives like a breath of fresh air in hell. And he has a New Zealander with him named Jordan.

You know this annoyed American Jordan to no end.

Zealand, as I’ll call him, doesn’t have a date card, but he does have a rose he can give out to anyone at that night’s rose ceremony, which will commence in t-minus sixty minutes. Out of the blue, Shu, Cholivia, and Christen scramble to make themselves presentable, scurrying to find more alcohol and boob tape.

Cholivia is smitten with the gorgeous bald man. And she would have sealed the deal had Mother Russia not interrupted. So Cholivia goes dark and tries to sabotage Anna’s relationship with Kamil because that makes all the sense in the world.

Hey, Cholivia is here to find a baby daddy. And she will not leave Paradise without one.

This newfound friendship of hand holding does not sit well with Anna, but she remains strong. Even when Cholivia tells Anna that Kamil said he wanted to explore things with her. Later, Anna gets angry and in front of everyone, she requests that Cholivia stop poking the bear.

Anna: HE’S GOING TO GIVE ME HIS ROSE. THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO DISCUSS.

Two things:

1. I love how Astrid looked at Kamil and said, “This is all you.”
2. I’m a little irritated that we knew Kamil would give his rose to Anna because we already saw her approach Shu about how she’s a witch in an upcoming episode. SPOILER MUCH?

Roses go to exactly who you think they would go to:

Kevin/Astrid
American Jordan / Jenna Goose / Krystal
Joe / Kendall
Eric / Cassandra
Zealand Jordan / Shu
Venmo / Olivia
Kamil / Anna

That means the Disney Princess, Cholivia, and Christen are out.

Well, Christen is currently passed out on the floor with Beefcake Kevin checking her pulse, but you get my point.