Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Stagecoach Woes
Can someone please help me? I have no idea what’s going on with certain beach dwellers who are summering in Paradise. The timeline is awfully sketchy and I’m unsure if any of these jokers are actually looking for love. I blame Stagecoach.
I think the bulk of the episode can be summed up with one confusing chart:
As you may recall, Blake shared a date with Tayshia the night before and now he’s joy riding around Mexico with Kristina in a dune buggy. Blake is eager to learn what Kristina is “looking to get out of today.”
Too bad, so sad. Kristina tells him that what he did (or who he did) at Stagecoach was a slap in the face. Blake’s defense is twofold: A. He was/is a single man. B. He took things too far with Caelyn and he’s sorry it happened. The timing just sucked.
Blake finds it convenient that Kristina didn’t have this conversation with him until their date in Paradise. He feels ambushed. Kristina will undoubtedly forgive and take him back. Then Dean will arrive with his creepy mustache and ruin everything.
Meanwhile, all bodily fluids hit the fan when Caelyn decides to let the cat out of the bag. She’s done. She no longer wants to keep Blake’s secret. So when he asks for a private audience with her, she makes sure they convene on the outdoor bed, well within earshot of the entire beach, to properly freak out at him for calling her a mistake.
If people on the beach didn’t know something was going on, they surely know now. Blake is floored that Caelyn feels disrespected and has no recollection calling her a mistake or a dirty secret.
If that wasn’t enough trauma for Blake, we find Kristina telling Tayshia exactly what Blake did. All in the name of respect, of course. Tayshia immediately labels him a player and vows that it will never work out between them.
Blake is attacked by a guilty conscious and acid reflux. He cries it out for several days before facing the ladies. Now that he’s on Kristina, Caelyn, and Tayshia’s bad side, he zeroes in on Hannah G.
But she’s with Not Mateo Dylan, right? Yes! She is! And Dylan believes they are going to be together forever. In fact, this feeling is verified when Hannah tells him that Wills kissed her, but she gently let him down, declaring her adoration for Dylan. They make out for another forty-eight hours.
Across the beach, Bibi vibes on Clay. Wells tells her to go for it and she does. Unfortunately, Clay wants to “connect” with Havana Nicole. When he gets the date card, he asks Havana and The Bibs cries huge tears. Much like Blake, she believes life is super unfair.
Annaliese decides that this is the perfect time to tell everyone who will listen that she doesn’t think Clay is here for the right reasons. Why? Because he’s still stringing his ex-girlfriend (Anna’s friend Angela) along. They were just together two weeks ago!
She listens to the producers and approaches Clay. She tells him exactly what she thinks and he responds that she’s been misinformed. He encourages her to just focus on herself and her own relationships.
Anna: I don’t think you are here for the right reasons.
Clay: Then what reasons do you think I’m here for?
Annalise is the WORST. She bellies up to the bar and tells everyone that she’s sad she had to do that. Demi informs her that it was uncool for her to drop that bomb right before Clay’s Mexican carnival date with Havana that ended with a passionate kiss under a sky of fireworks.
Anna: I didn’t mean to do that.
Demi: Then why did you?
This makes Anna cry and blow her nose into a napkin. Demi gives THE QUOTE of the night. You can read that below.
Blake is officially in damage control mode. He tries to smooth things with both Tayshia and Caelyn. Neither are interested.
We’ve reached the point in the show where the girls start to get itchy, knowing that the guys are in control this week. Blake’s escapades have left a ripple in the tide and Caelyn is forced to scrape the bottom of the Paradise barrel by flirting with Cam.
I’m confident she had to ask someone his name before seducing him. She even let Cam kiss her and now he thinks they are MFEO and is secretly planning a double wedding with Not Mateo and Hannah G.
Onyeka seems pretty solid (in a total friendship way) with John Paul Jones. Jane lures him away with tacos. He takes one bite and pukes over and over and over again. So much so that we have our first Black Modesty Box of the season. Who knew it would be covering up streams of vomit?
Anna “flirts” with Grandpa Chris and tells the camera she is confident that she will get a rose. Of course at that exact same moment, we see Kristina making the moves on Chris. Probably because she thinks Blake is giving his rose to someone other than her.
Who is Blake giving his rose to? That’s an understandable question. Believe it or not, he wants it to go to Hannah G.
But isn’t she the one who professed her sort of love to Dylan five seconds ago? Why yes! She is! Great memory.
Blake entices her out of Dylan’s arms with an adult Lunchable, also known as a charcuterie board. Hannah admits that she wanted to come to Paradise to see “what was up” with them, but decided not to wait around.
Before you celebrate her maturity, I should tell you that Blake really turns on the charm by first complimenting her dress and then confessing that SHE is the reason he is here. He feels there is something between them. Truthfully, that something is Caelyn, Kristina, and Tayshia, but who’s counting.
She starts to melt and there is the slightest lean toward Blake. He closes the gap and they make out. She halfway feels awful about it, so she decides to tell Dylan that she’s confused. Hannah’s heart is torn and she wants to keep an open mind about exploring other options in Paradise.
Ironically, Dylan didn’t walk out of Paradise right then and there. My theory is that he gives Hannah his rose, which means Blake will give his to Kristina. Here are my other predictions:
Dylan – Hannah
Kevin – Katie
Wills – Tayshia
Derek – Demi
Cam – Caelyn
Clay – Havana
Chris – Annaliese
JPJ – Onyeka
Blake – Kristina
This leaves Jane, Sydney, and Bibs sans rose. What do you think? Did I get it right?
FAVORITE QUOTES OF THE NIGHT
Demi: Blake has had sex with everyone on this beach. Maybe even Chris Harrison!
Demi: GRANDMA IS OFF HER MEDS! (regarding Annaliese’s meltdown)