Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Stagecoach Woes

Can someone please help me? I have no idea what’s going on with certain beach dwellers who are summering in Paradise. The timeline is awfully sketchy and I’m unsure if any of these jokers are actually looking for love. I blame Stagecoach. 

I think the bulk of the episode can be summed up with one confusing chart:

As you may recall, Blake shared a date with Tayshia the night before and now he’s joy riding around Mexico with Kristina in a dune buggy. Blake is eager to learn what Kristina is “looking to get out of today.” 

Too bad, so sad. Kristina tells him that what he did (or who he did) at Stagecoach was a slap in the face. Blake’s defense is twofold: A. He was/is a single man. B. He took things too far with Caelyn and he’s sorry it happened. The timing just sucked. 

Blake finds it convenient that Kristina didn’t have this conversation with him until their date in Paradise. He feels ambushed. Kristina will undoubtedly forgive and take him back. Then Dean will arrive with his creepy mustache and ruin everything.

Meanwhile, all bodily fluids hit the fan when Caelyn decides to let the cat out of the bag. She’s done. She no longer wants to keep Blake’s secret. So when he asks for a private audience with her, she makes sure they convene on the outdoor bed, well within earshot of the entire beach, to properly freak out at him for calling her a mistake. 

If people on the beach didn’t know something was going on, they surely know now. Blake is floored that Caelyn feels disrespected and has no recollection calling her a mistake or a dirty secret. 

If that wasn’t enough trauma for Blake, we find Kristina telling Tayshia exactly what Blake did. All in the name of respect, of course. Tayshia immediately labels him a player and vows that it will never work out between them. 

Blake is attacked by a guilty conscious and acid reflux. He cries it out for several days before facing the ladies. Now that he’s on Kristina, Caelyn, and Tayshia’s bad side, he zeroes in on Hannah G.

But she’s with Not Mateo Dylan, right? Yes! She is! And Dylan believes they are going to be together forever. In fact, this feeling is verified when Hannah tells him that Wills kissed her, but she gently let him down, declaring her adoration for Dylan. They make out for another forty-eight hours. 

Across the beach, Bibi vibes on Clay. Wells tells her to go for it and she does. Unfortunately, Clay wants to “connect” with Havana Nicole. When he gets the date card, he asks Havana and The Bibs cries huge tears. Much like Blake, she believes life is super unfair. 

Annaliese decides that this is the perfect time to tell everyone who will listen that she doesn’t think Clay is here for the right reasons. Why? Because he’s still stringing his ex-girlfriend (Anna’s friend Angela) along. They were just together two weeks ago! 

She listens to the producers and approaches Clay. She tells him exactly what she thinks and he responds that she’s been misinformed. He encourages her to just focus on herself and her own relationships. 

Anna: I don’t think you are here for the right reasons.
Clay: Then what reasons do you think I’m here for?
Lincee: BURN.

Annalise is the WORST. She bellies up to the bar and tells everyone that she’s sad she had to do that. Demi informs her that it was uncool for her to drop that bomb right before Clay’s Mexican carnival date with Havana that ended with a passionate kiss under a sky of fireworks. 

Anna: I didn’t mean to do that.
Demi: Then why did you?

This makes Anna cry and blow her nose into a napkin. Demi gives THE QUOTE of the night. You can read that below.

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY

Blake is officially in damage control mode. He tries to smooth things with both Tayshia and Caelyn. Neither are interested. 

We’ve reached the point in the show where the girls start to get itchy, knowing that the guys are in control this week. Blake’s escapades have left a ripple in the tide and Caelyn is forced to scrape the bottom of the Paradise barrel by flirting with Cam.

CAM. 

I’m confident she had to ask someone his name before seducing him. She even let Cam kiss her and now he thinks they are MFEO and is secretly planning a double wedding with Not Mateo and Hannah G. 

Onyeka seems pretty solid (in a total friendship way) with John Paul Jones. Jane lures him away with tacos. He takes one bite and pukes over and over and over again. So much so that we have our first Black Modesty Box of the season. Who knew it would be covering up streams of vomit?

Anna “flirts” with Grandpa Chris and tells the camera she is confident that she will get a rose. Of course at that exact same moment, we see Kristina making the moves on Chris. Probably because she thinks Blake is giving his rose to someone other than her. 

Who is Blake giving his rose to? That’s an understandable question. Believe it or not, he wants it to go to Hannah G.

But isn’t she the one who professed her sort of love to Dylan five seconds ago? Why yes! She is! Great memory.

Blake entices her out of Dylan’s arms with an adult Lunchable, also known as a charcuterie board. Hannah admits that she wanted to come to Paradise to see “what was up” with them, but decided not to wait around. 

Before you celebrate her maturity, I should tell you that Blake really turns on the charm by first complimenting her dress and then confessing that SHE is the reason he is here. He feels there is something between them. Truthfully, that something is Caelyn, Kristina, and Tayshia, but who’s counting. 

She starts to melt and there is the slightest lean toward Blake. He closes the gap and they make out. She halfway feels awful about it, so she decides to tell Dylan that she’s confused. Hannah’s heart is torn and she wants to keep an open mind about exploring other options in Paradise. 

Ironically, Dylan didn’t walk out of Paradise right then and there. My theory is that he gives Hannah his rose, which means Blake will give his to Kristina. Here are my other predictions:

Dylan – Hannah
Kevin – Katie
Wills – Tayshia
Derek – Demi
Cam – Caelyn
Clay – Havana
Chris – Annaliese 
JPJ – Onyeka
Blake – Kristina

This leaves Jane, Sydney, and Bibs sans rose. What do you think? Did I get it right?

FAVORITE QUOTES OF THE NIGHT

Demi: Blake has had sex with everyone on this beach. Maybe even Chris Harrison!

Demi: GRANDMA IS OFF HER MEDS! (regarding Annaliese’s meltdown)

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April
April

Lincee, I lbelieve “guilty conscience”, not concious, is the phrase you are looking for re: Blake.

Ronni Jones
Ronni Jones

Has anyone seen the texts that Blake released? I was team Hannah B. back in the day when it was Hannah vs Caelynn on the Bachelor, but now I’m even MORE convinced that Caelynn is a manipulative liar. I mean, Blake isn’t completely innocent, but Caelynn twisted the whole thing on national TV. Ouch!

DeeBee
DeeBee

Just saw them and totally agree.

asdf
asdf

Completely agree – in fact, the way she demanded coming over when he repeatedly said no or ‘let’s just cuddle’ etc was ridiculous!!!

Allia
Allia

I’m NOT a fan of Caelynn’s by any means… but, to be fair, it was beyond douchy of Blake to make those messages public. Plus, it was just one snippet of a conversation, and we don’t really know what was going on with them before or after. I’m sure there is twisting going on from both sides… Why is Blake such a hot commodity anyway?? I don’t see it.
Poor JPJ with the tacos. I hope he finds love 🙂

NewMama
NewMama

Yes, read them all (or at least what he released)! She is the WORST! This, along with the Hannah B. conflict from Colton’s season, has me convinced that it’s all about twisting and putting up a false front for Caelynn.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Super Short Recap… You missed the Wells moments, and there were many! What about Clay’s smoking hot body and work out moments??? Also missed was Wills and Hannah G 3 second conversation before making out. And Cam’s Windmill Tattoo.. WTF?? Why does he even have a Windmill Tattoo??? He was so far away from that windmill that he would need a map and goggles to find the Windmill from Hannah’s season for it to even be relevant to him…
And I have to disagree with the term Grandpa Chris…he’s 32.. hardly a Grandpa, and he is a business owner and those women would be good to get him, he has matured and is ready to settle down!

Loved the lines about Caelynn being forced to scrape the bottom of the Paradise Barrel and Flirt with Cam…
And Adult Lunchables… all I saw were grapes! LOL

Karen
Karen

Clay’s workout was great! Definitely worth a mention.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

My favorite Wells’ moment was to Demi when he told her to “let him [Dylan] speak.” She can be funny but gheesh, does she put words in everyone’s mouth!

Rosa
Rosa

Adult lunchable – LOLOL Blake was downright unstable last night! Did anyone hear him say he and his family were going to have to go in to HIDING? Excusemewhat? He is bizarre and I don’t see what anyone sees in him, drama or no drama. I hate that polly pocket is hooking up with anyone who will sit down and pay her a compliment. Dylan deserves better than that! Loving Demi – she is the best commentator and I liked how she put Annaliese in her place regarding Clay. I think Jane is definitely going home. Bless her heart and those tacos! If anyone is on Twitter, you have to peruse the Bachelor in Paradise posts. The Gifs are hysterical!!

Lara
Lara

Dylan and Hannah were kind of a bright spot in all this Blake drama. I tend to think he (Blake) freaked out because a. that was just not a wise move, it reminds me of super smart guys who date best friends or sisters and hope nothing bad comes from it and b. seeing how people reacted to Jed (weasel) from a few weeks ago. Not the same situation at all but Jed did get tossed under a few buses and according to one article even his family was threatened. Totally agree about the gifs, so funny! Same with the recap, “I’m Demi from Demi’s season of the Bachelor…”, liked that one. (earlier recap).

Kate
Kate

I, too am getting a bit suspicious of Caelynn. Maybe I am old-fashioned, but it seems like you have to decide what you are doing when you are intimate – is it a fun, passionate one night stand, or something serious? If it is the same to both parties then great – if not, then you have a problem. Caelynn appears to have agreed that it was casual, but is now angry that Blake slept with Kristina right before her, and maybe led her on with texts and face timing?

I don’t know what she wants him to say, he has apologized several times, and genuinely seems contrite. I think he got in way over his head with all these bachelor ladies, and didn’t handle it well at all. She should treat him the way you treat a guy like that – if he apologizes you are friendly but cool, and if he doesn’t apologize you act like he doesn’t exist (a weird freezing technique that Miss Manners has recommended – I haven’t ever done it but it sounds awesome if it works!).

She is giving him way too much power over her. Just move on and don’t spend another minute worrying about Blake!

Kristina is back in her doormat ways – she gives him a hard time and talks about not letting him continue to treat her that way – so move on already!!! I don’t care if you were friends, you need to find a guy who doesn’t just want to hook up.

The mixed messages that guys like Blake are giving to these women are a big part of the problem, but the women need to not fall for them. Better to not jump into bed if you are wanting more than a hook up until you know the guy well enough to determine he cares about you as well.

Sorry for the rant!

Kady
Kady

Yes!! All.of.this

Kay
Kay

Thank you!!!
I was thinking to my “old-fashioned” self, just what ARE the rules of recreational hook-up sex?

I haven’t read the Blake/Caelynn texts, but from what was aired of their convo, he was clearly dumbfounded, apologizing over and over….and she cried, ranted, and cried some more, but then said, “I’m done” and stormed off. Was there even any mature “discussion” ? Clearly a drama queen!

Dobie
Dobie

Exactly!!!

Yesi
Yesi

Thank you So tired of women blaming guys for how they feel after making decisions they made, only to later regret! All the women made way too many assumptions in getting involved with him.

Jenny
Jenny

Is anyone else annoyed that we have watched two nights of this and have yet to see a rose ceremony? This is going to be a long summer 🙁

Craig britton
Craig britton

I’m with you, what a bore!

Old Christine
Old Christine

Just wait until Dean shows up, looking like a 70’s lounge lizard. I can hardly wait!

connie
connie

JPJ in the banana hammock. Ew. IMO.

Shelley
Shelley

Aurgh, still no rose ceremony?! This season is only 6 weeks I think, so they need to get craka-lakin. I also love Katie, and am surprisingly happy to see Chris. Always happy to see darling Wells. Blake was my pick for who I wanted to see as Bachelor, I didn’t watch the Colton season at all. And while I think Caelynn is manipulative as all get out, I do think Blake needs to take a break between women. I predict he’ll get a redemption spot next year and do better. BIP suffers from long term (and short come to think of it) memory loss, so people with villain edits ultimately do quite well. Look at Crystal and the Goose!