Bachelor in Paradise Season 5 Finale — Part 1

There’s no reason to spend time on anything other than the two major events that went down last night. Who cares that Jordan and Jenna went on a date where a purple-haired man made them pose for engagement photos? Why should we waste time discussing the fact that Jordan’s chest hair has merged with his beard hair? Or that Jenna was this close to being the first BIP casualty.

PSA: Never enter the ocean when you’re wearing twenty pounds of white tulle and ruffles. You will sink to the bottom.

Guess what? No one cares about “social media influencer” Robby. Or should I say “once a cheater, always a cheater” Robby. That’s why he’s back in Paradise on the very last day, stuck asking the Russian witch out on a date.

Now, had Robby and Jordan served up more than a “don’t mess with my woman” conversation, I might have been on board with this new addition. Jenna warns Robby that Jordan might “peel his face off, cook it, and eat it” if he keeps sniffing around her.

Yeah! Let’s see that! Or at least regale me with tales of hair coiffing and camera smizing. I have been promised a Battle of the Ken Dolls and I want to be entertained!

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

Then there’s New Zealand Jordan and Cassandra. He’s slow as molasses and can’t seem to grasp all of the green lights she is throwing his way. To his defense, Cassandra’s green light is eye contact. Not much to go on, but she feels it’s enough. When she can’t stand it anymore, she asks:

Cass: Do you wait for the girl to make the move? Or do you make the move?
Zealand: Are you asking me to make a move?

Zealand makes a move. Cassandra beams and tells the camera that she’s glad he got the courage to kiss her.

Interesting. Courage is now categorized as flirty passive aggression. Good to know.

But that’s not why we watch this show. We tune in every week to see our favorites fall in love on a beach after three weeks, get engaged, and join the ABC-affiliated morning show circuits. GIVE US A LOVE STORY!!!

Which brings me to Kendall and Grocery Store Joe who have been in it to win it since day one. Joe knows he needs to tell Kendall how he feels, so he sets it up like this:

Joe: It’s going to be weird not seeing you every day. I want to be with you at the end of this. Maybe we’ll get engaged.

Kendall receives this as a joke. She claims Joe isn’t being serious.

Joe: No really. What if I get down on one knee?

Kendall’s entire body language changes and Joe recognizes the shift immediately. He wants to talk about it, but Kendall mysteriously says that she has to “sleep on it.”

SLEEP ON WHAT? WHAT DID JOE SAY? WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD, KENDALL?

Kendall goes to bed, leaving Joe sitting there in a daze. Then she doesn’t talk to him the entire next day leading up to the rose ceremony. Then she finds him pouring out his problems to Jordan and asks to take a walk. They head to the breakup bed on the beach.

Joe jumps in immediately. “What went wrong last night?”

Here’s the gist: Kendall projects onto Joe that she thinks they want to take this to the next serious level, because they are expected to take it all the way. Joe is quick to instruct her to take the “we” out of this equation.

Kendall continues. She loves him, but doesn’t know what kind of love. She doesn’t know if she’s IN love. Joe looks at her like she’s crazy. Then he concludes that HE must be crazy. How has he not read the signs? He thought they were on the same page.

Kendall claims he never told her how he was feeling. Why is this confusing for him? Joe walks her through the context clues. He’s with her every minute of every day. He hated that she was with Leo, but let her figure it out since she wanted to be “open to other experiences.” He tried not to suffocate her like her other boyfriends. He’s mad that she kissed Venmo. He hasn’t kissed anyone else on the beach. She needs to own up to the excuses because it’s simple in his mind — she doesn’t want to be with him.

And PS: He’s been falling for her since he first met her. But the fact that she’s confused about where they are is his answer. He thought she felt for him like he feels for her. That’s not the case, so he’s leaving.

He hugs her good-bye and salutes the rest of the cast before hopping in a rejection SUV. Astrid runs over to the rejection bed to console Kendall who is officially freaking out that she didn’t know how Joe felt this entire time and how she can’t process her feelings. What if she never sees him again?

It’s Bachelor Nation, Kendall. You’ll see him at the monthly meeting. And probably on Dancing with the Stars if the rumors are true.

Kendall and Kevin death grip their good-byes, which is odd, and then she hops into her own rejection SUV. In a word, the beach dwellers are shooketh.

The rose ceremony is somber. Especially for Diggy who watches as Olivia gives her bud to Venmo. It’s a good thing his trumpet friend was there in the rejection SUV to play him a sad song the entire way back to the airport.

The next morning, Kevin is super pumped about his eight egg omelette with bacon, chicken, and a full green bell pepper. What an interesting, detailed thing to say, Kevin. Thanks for that. Astrid tells the camera that she feels like she’s living in a bubble and it’s going to pop any minute.

This is what Bachelor in Paradise does so well…foreshadowing.

Our Host Chris Harrison shows up in a Miami Vice-inspired outfit. If anyone can pull off a disheveled Sonny Crockett look, it’s this guy. I just hope he never does it again now that he’s proven his point.

Hare gives the remaining “couples” the 4-1-1. There will be no more people arriving on the island. This is it. If they don’t feel like dropping down on one knee, they need to forgo the fantasy suite and hit the road. Summer flings need not apply.

Venmo is first to break up with Olivia. Although he thinks she’s sweet, he’s not ready to jump into anything that looks like nuptials just yet. But he does want to keep hanging out outside of Paradise. Olivia agrees and they walk hand-in-hand down the beach, presumably to catch one of Venmo’s private helicopters back to the real world. Or Venmo’s version of the real world.

Zealand is next. He tells Cassandra, “We gave it a great shot!” She senses that this isn’t going well, thanks to the past tense verb.

Cass: Well, do you think if we had more time, things would be different?
Zealand: If we had more time, it would be the same result. Just stretched out.

Then there was Robby. He lets Shu know that he will definitely look up her if he ever gets to Utah. She puts a spell on him, just like she did with that champagne bottle Wells was holding earlier, and laughs as his teeth begin to de-whiten. Worst hex ever!

The producers want us to think that Kamil isn’t ready to give Annaliese a ring, but he invites her to the fantasy suite anyway. I have a feeling there were other procreational factors that went into that decision making process.

Jenna and Jordan can’t wait to go to the fantasy suite, as well as Goose and Krystal.

Astrid and Kevin walk with purpose to have a conversation…on the rejection bed?!? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Kevin has a self-proclaimed mental breakdown. He wants Astrid to know he loves her, but he’s been wearing a mask sometimes. He thinks something is missing. He’s at eighty-percent, but he wants to be at one hundred. Their personalities are perfect, but he just doesn’t know about their lifestyles.

Astrid: Are you breaking up with me?
Kevin: I’m sorry.

Kevin cries because he knows he has crushed Astrid. Astrid cries because she’s been told more than once that she’s perfect, but if she’s so perfect, why isn’t she dating?

I get it. I’ve been there.

Wait. That wasn’t me. That was Our Host Chris Harrison. My bad.

Gas up the SUV, because Kev and Astrid are OUT. Do you think there was more behind Kendall’s good-bye than just a sad death grip?

Now that the two strongest couples are officially broken up, the remaining three wonder if they could be blindsided, too. I wonder how Anna, the Goose, and Jordan are the final three standing. Speaking of strange, ABC allows us to experience the inaugural moments of the fantasy suite with each of the couples.

Goose / Krystal
The Goose thinks Krystal will be a happy wife and mother. I research if nodes are genetic. Krystal talks about how she always has her guard up, but she’s letting them down for the Goose since he’s a risk she’s willing to take. And to prove it, she whips out a sleep mask and a feather because I guess they’ve reached a point in their relationship where bedroom props are in order.

Kamil / Anna
Annaliese admits she is a couple of steps ahead of Kamil and is being really careful not to scare him away. I applaud her for the self-awareness. Then she asks him if she’s the type of girl he’s looking for and he answers that she is THE girl he’s looking for. Question: Is Kamil faking it? Or does he really like Annaliese that much? Question 2: What exactly was he going to do with that big plate of sausage?

Jordan / Jenna
Jordan tells Jenna that he is in love with her and he only wants to get engaged once. Spoiler: He likes it, so he’s going to put a ring on it. Jenna smiles because she knows God sent her Jordan to guard and protect her from other male models.

Who will be engaged by the end of this roller coaster? Are you sad that Astrid and Kevin are broken up? What about Joe and Kendall? Will Joe end up on Dancing with the Stars? Sound off in the comments!