Bachelor Matt Recap: Fifty Shades of James
Bachelor Matt James Recap | Episode 3|
For those of you who have been around this block a few hundred times, you’ll recall that the iHateGreenBeans website adopted a safe word back in 2009 that we use when things get uncomfortable on the show. We want whatever is happening to stop immediately.
That word is pineapple.
I know I shouted it at the screen no less than twenty-seven times in the span of eight minutes last night. And I adore the fact that so many of you reached out to me through various communication channels, conveying the same sentiments.
Unfortunately, no amount of pineapple could thwart the obscenity we all were lucky to experience during the first group date. Good times.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on TicTok happens to know, sort of know personally, or is friends with the local Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with Bridgerton and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show — none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Before we get to that alarming group date, Matt James has a rose ceremony to finish. When we last left our bachelor, he was running to Sarah’s aid, who had fainted (not really) and fallen off the bleachers (she stepped down) and is super embarrassed that she has pulled focus from the group (it was her idea all along).
Once Sarah has been coddled by Matt and filled with the tangy zip of orange juice, she takes her place, rose in hand, with the other ladies. Most feel sorry for her. Others suspect manipulation. Other’s name is Victoria.
Victoria is beginning to grow on me! For entertainment purposes only, of course.
We’re halfway done handing out roses, so the producers rush Matt James to cull the line. Trim the fat. Separate the wheat from the chaff. He chucks out a few more precious flowers and waves good-bye to Alana, Ileana (who is a blonde version of Alana), Kristin, Sydney, and MaryLynn.
Matt James raises a glass to toast the remaining women. Kaili beams, swishing in a raspberry pantsuit. Someone in her life suggested that outfit was cute. Someone lied. Serena C. stands tall in silver, glittered, over-the-knee boots she borrowed from the wardrobe department of her local community theater’s Pretty Woman production. And Victoria smiles, knowing that she defeated MaryLynn using only her words.
Is the puss dripping from Victoria’s pink eye karma for her treacherous behavior? Or did MaryLynn cast an optical spell on the villain as she exited the premises? We’ll never know.
FIRST GROUP DATE
“Today is a Surprise for Everyone”
Our Host Chris Harrison saunters into the gathering room and explains to the ladies that he has taken over the reins for this date. Hare believes that some experiences should take us out of our comfort zone, and what better way to make everyone feel extremely awkward than a little light erotica.
Naturally, Ashley Eyelashes is called to monitor this group date. She should have monitored the incredibly high waist of her royal blue pants, but whatever. Ash has quickly turned into a Bachelor franchise darling and has no problem reading the saucier parts of Our Host’s romance book, The Perfect Letter, which debuted in 2015 and was covered in The Associated Press by yours truly.
The date goal? Compose a steamy love scene depicting you and our boy Matt James. Recite said love scene in front of a live studio audience, which happens to be the remaining women in the house who were not privy to this date’s shenanigans.
Dear reader, this is where the pineapple comes into play. Because I’m a prude and a lady, I can’t even imagine the terms and descriptions used as the ABC Censor Department worked overtime to bleep out any explicit illustrations used to outline the torrid affairs.
In order for you to fully appreciate the magnitude of the filtered Rated-R material, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a Mad Lib so you can vicariously join in on the fun. Let’s begin.
He ________ (verb ending in s) his ________ (body part) so his ________ (body part) pushes against me. _________ (interjection)! He holds out his ______ (body part), and in his _______ (body part) are _________ (number) _________ (adjective) _________ (color) ___________ (plural noun). It’s a ________ (adjective) day! I may have to _________ (verb).
While some women fill their Mad Lib blanks with words like “packing” and “shockwave,” and “press firmly,” sweet Rachael uses the word “groin” to portray her fantasy with Matt James.
Bless her heart. Even I know she shouldn’t have used that word. Might I suggest we stay away from “moist” and “bulge” and “throbbing” as well?
A few women are embarrassed by the titillating monologs, but most claim to feel empowered by the moment. Katie pulls a When Harry Met Sally and fakes sexy times into the microphone. Not to be outdone, Victoria’s soliloquy is one long bleep that pierced my ears for a solid thirty seconds.
You know things are getting out of hand when Our Host Chris Harrison raises a surprised eyebrow in Ashley’s direction. We would expect nothing less from our Queen, would we not?
At the cocktail party, Matt James flirts with Rachael. He appreciates the fact that Rachael’s sexy scenario could actually happen if their relationship progresses. That is all she needs to seal the deal. This girl is SMITTEN.
Bri’s time is just as innocent. Matt James noticed that her fantasy was based on their hot tub date. He thinks that is so sweet and laughs when she ribs him about his PG version love scene. Matt James replies with a sly, “I don’t want to give too much away.”
The scene switches to Katie, who enthusiastically shares with the other girls that she can’t wait for alone time with Matt James. She has barely spoken to him in the 48-hours she’s known him and wants our bachelor to know she’s more than a girl with a hot pink, sparkly Pavelka.
Obviously, this is when Sarah’s handler convinces her to crash the after party of the group date so Matt James can understand her emotional distress. Sarah is not happy that Matt James is dating so many other women, so she interrupts Katie to tell him so.
Katie stands her ground, but I should note that Matt James is the one who asks Katie for five minutes so he can hear what Sarah has to say. This is PROOF that Matt James is feeling Sarah way more than Katie.
Katie leaves, Sarah cries, and Matt James hugs her tight as she sobs into his fourth turtleneck sweater of the season. Katie informs the rest of the girls that Sarah has infiltrated their date. The phrase, “She looks cute, but isn’t dressed up,” is the answer to an emphatic, “WHAT WAS SHE WEARING?”
These are the things we need to know, Katie. COME ON.
Victoria presses Katie to go back and interrupt their time! Katie stalks back to the couple and asks Sarah to leave. Sarah asks for a little more time, and Katie gives her two minutes. Then she hovers in the doorway and watches. Can someone get this girl a bag of popcorn? I LOVE THIS.
Matt James tries to speak in code, encouraging Sarah to “remember what we talked about” and “remember how you felt on our date” as a way to entice her to stay the course. She doesn’t answer since it’s super awkward now that Katie has decided to take a seat on the couch with our two lovebirds.
Again, I LOVE THIS.
Unfortunately, Matt James does something a little annoying, although completely in character for a guy who is so considerate. He leaves Katie on the couch and then walks Sarah outside to make out in the Pennsylvania chill of the Neapolitan.
As Matt James heads back to Katie, Sarah chooses to be the bigger woman and confess her stolen time with the bachelor to the other women on the group date. Victoria wants to know what was so important that Sarah had to address at that particular moment? Oddly, the answer “the nature of your dress” did not fly out of Sarah’s mouth.
Victoria passive-aggressively asks, “Is it your health? Because I don’t see you as a relationship person.”
Oh Vicky. You’re too much.
The rest of the women watch as Victoria devours her prey. Sarah leaves in tears, still looking cute, as the others complain about their lack of alone time with the bachelor. Speaking of the handsome devil, Matt James walks in, squishes on the couch between two women, and hands the date rose to Rachael.
Katie is pissed. Victoria is livid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman wearing a dress made from drapery found in my grandmother’s bedroom scorned.
Let Love Lead the Way
Dainty little twenty-two-year-old Serena P. bounces into the circle of women, ready for her super fun date. Victoria begs her to tell Matt James that Sarah sucks, and the entire party giggles.
Matt James arrives and wants to “talk a bit” about last night before he heads out with Serena P. Let’s discuss the elephant in the after-party room named Sarah.
He looks around for the blonde, only to be informed that Sarah has taken to the bed due to overwhelming feelings of despair and woe. PS: She never hands out with them.
A betting woman would assume this information would raise a red flag, yet Matt James leaps up from a seated position to go and see what’s wrong. Before he rushes off, leaving remnants of his pheromones all over Serena P. and her darling date outfit, he assures the other women that he would have handled the situation the same had it been any one of them.
He asks for five minutes to check on Sarah. He returns an hour later after LITERALLY jumping onto her slumbering body nestled below her covers in the bed. Once again, Sarah threatens to leave, and Matt James begs her to stay. Remember, he’s ten toes down and was riding on cloud nine after their date. Then he offers to come to her every day to validate his feelings.
Rude. I like Matt James, but this is rude.
Sarah is clearly his favorite. And the fact that he ditched Serena P. to visit with her, again, after last night’s charade is disrespectful, in my opinion.
He finally bounds down the stairs as Victoria wishes Serena P. luck on HER DAY and waves as the couple heads off to ride horses together. Serena does a great job ignoring the drama that precluded her date from starting on time and goes with the flow.
I like her. I’ve always liked her. She may be teeny tiny and young, but she can roll with the punches, including making fun of Matt James for having a pet turtle as a kid.
Serena: “What? Were you a weird kid?”
Lincee: “That explains the turtleneck obsession.”
They share a charcuterie board, which was really a few pieces of salami and Kraft singles on a cloth napkin, and talk about how Serena’s dad wasn’t supportive of her taking this journey. Matt James listens intently, then leans in to kiss her. This is when the donkeys decide to wander upon the Neapolitan countryside and interrupt Matt James’ game.
Never fear. The moment was captured on Polaroid for the couple to remember the rest of their lives.
That night at dinner, Serena shares that she had one long-term relationship. I assume it was her high school boyfriend who broke up with her after graduation so he could be footloose and fancy-free at college.
Matt James shares that his last relationship was a year ago. They dated four months. His philosophy is that he only wants to date women who he would like to pursue in marriage. Whether this girl was ready, or Matt James figured out that she was not the one is a mystery.
But I would bet money that she returns, and it’s the girl who had never been kissed from Matt James’ season. Thoughts? It’s a good theory, right?
Serena confesses that she’s falling in “like” with Matt James, and he gives her a rose for it. She must not read my recaps because we at IHGB termed the phrase “in loke” when one is not yet in love. Of course, that was a decade ago, so Serena’s mom probably didn’t let her watch The Bachelor franchise when she was in junior high.
I get it.
Serena and Matt James make out in the same hot tub from Bri’s date, and she chuckles when she spots his swim trunks — covered in turtles.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“The One That Didn’t Happen”
The women gather around to hear someone read off the names of the final date card. Many gasp when Sarah slinks around the corner, begging Bri to slide over on the couch so she can blend into the upholstery.
Victoria and MJ aren’t having it, but it’s Anna who hits the nail on the head when Sarah claims that this process has been super difficult.
Anna: “You literally have not had it difficult. You had a one-on-one date and extra time with him last night when some of us haven’t had any time!”
The girls tag team, claiming Sarah is manipulative and starving for validation from the bachelor. They say her motives were manipulative, and she’s calculating. As Sarah apologizes again to the group, Victoria boldly does NOT accept the apology, followed by Kit declaring that the rest of Sarah’s time at the resort will be horrible.
Sarah retreats once again to the sanctuary of her hotel room. Katie follows her and listens as Sarah states that she is going to leave.
Katie: “Are you leaving because of the girls? Or because you don’t have feelings for Matt James? Because I don’t want him to be wondering ‘what if’ after you leave.”
Excellent question, Katie.
Sarah inhales a breath and tells Katie everything about her father. Tears immediately spring to Katie’s eyes as she listens to Sarah struggle with the guilt of being away from her father, who has ALS. She thought she was ready, but she’s not, and now she doesn’t know if it’s worth staying since they don’t know how long he has to live.
Katie responds softly, “My dad passed away in 2012. I wish I could get back the minutes I had with him.”
Katie encourages Sarah to make the most of her time with her dad and I think it was genuine. As we see Sarah, dressed in a sweater tucked into her jeans, Katie heads back to the group to ask the ladies to stay classy. Although she doesn’t give details on Sarah’s story, she does say that there are big family things looming over her and we need to think twice before attacking people. We don’t know their story.
Katie for the win.
The next thing we see is Sarah knocking on Matt James’ door, telling him that she’s going to leave. Matt James is devastated.
Sarah: “I feel like I’m not welcome in the house.”
MJ: “I’m sorry.”
Lincee: “Interesting opening, but I’ll allow it.”
Sarah: “The women completely attacked me for talking to you last night. Some of them are cruel and malicious.”
Lincee: “Yes and no, Matt James. Yes and no.”
Matt James does everything he can to entice Sarah to stay, but she stays strong and crawls into the rejection SUV. Matt James whispers, “I won’t stop thinking about you,” which makes me think this may not be the end of Sarah.
I did not expect her to get in that car and drive away, yet she did. That said, I believe she may come back should her father give Sarah the green light to find love and be happy with Matt James, who definitely likes her more than all the other girls combined at this point.
Am I right? Will she return? And what about my theory on the girl from Colton’s season? Sound off in the comment section!