As I mentioned, Netflix is airing Jason Mesnick’s season and I couldn’t be more pleased. It was a season before high definition, black modesty boxes, and statement necklaces, but it was still glorious.

Join me as we walk down an eleven-year-old Memory Lane into the dramatic tales of Jason Mesnick and his journey to find love!

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Originally posted January 20, 2009

We begin the crazy journey at the Barbie mansion, where all the girls are wrapped up in their cutie pajamas, scarves, and Snuggies, just waiting on pins and needles to hear what Our Host Chris Harrison has to say.

The girls yell, “GOOD MORNING” in unison and Harrison smiles because he secretly does this to tick me off. Well done my friend.

Our Host explains to the girls that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. He also reminds the gaggle that some will not go on ANY dates. He puts the card on the table and exits dramatically.

One-On-One Date One
Stephanie
Come Play With Me

It is revealed that Stephanie gets the first one-on-one date. “Finally!” she exclaims. “Finally, finally, finally.” She struts off in her favorite pair of hot pink fleece pajamas while Megan begins pouting on the couch. She did NOT sign up to hang out with a bunch of girls.

Stephanie tries to call her little girl in the limo on the way to her date. It’s Sophia’s fourth birthday and she is sad to miss it. But feels this is an opportunity for Mom to get lucky.

Jason greets her as she steps out of the limo. Steph hugs him for a smidge too long and they take a walk on the beach. He leads her over to a plate of oysters and tells her to chug them like tequila. A Magic 8 Ball Blimp shows up and says, “Hi Melissa!” Embarrassed that the ABC Psychotherapist forgot to change the name from the previous date, Stephanie is gracious and decides to break the ice by doing a cartwheel in the sand.

Jason takes her by the shoulders and talks about how much they have in common. You know, because they are both single parents. Stephanie feels the same way and lets Jason know that this is a huge opportunity for Sophia. Because Jason could be the Daddy in her daughter’s life. Jason has a deer in the headlights look as he realizes he may not be ready for his own insta-family. He does his best acting and points behind her saying, “What is that?”

Fully expecting to see a regurgitated Robin Thicke from Hot Dog Jillian’s date, Stephanie is elated to find a little girl running towards her with reckless abandon. In an adorable apple outfit.

I counted about a thousand I LOVE YOU SO MUCH’s as Sophia ramrod’s her Mom into the sand. Jason is crying. Lincee is tearing up. Stephanie is splashing around in the water and twirling her daughter. Jason and Steph jump waves with Sophia. Sophia gets wet.

Sophia changes into fairy princess outfit decked out in pink tulle from head to toe. The happy fake family take a fake family vacation to Legoland. Jason follows Steph and Soph around carrying her little pink shoes and rhinestone tiara. She is the birthday girl after all. They ride a roller coaster. Sophia plays in a water park (third outfit if you are still counting) while Jason and Stephanie talk about the cuteness quality fo their own children.

Jason: “She is just adorable.”
Steph: “I think she is precious. I wish Ty could be here too.”

Jason: “I really don’t want him getting attached to anyone I’m not going to marry, but thanks for the kind words. Now let’s go get your daughter the biggest, pinkest cake we can find so she can remember this day forever. And you can cut the pictures out of me when you have fully recovered from when I let you go two weeks from now.

Stephanie tells the camera that holding hands with Jason was magical. She thinks Jason is a lot like her deceased husband and that the pair of them would be a perfect compliment to each other. She knows that she can take care of him when he walks through the door after work.

Jason walks over to the Legoland garden and picks a Legoland rose that the intern whipped up just seconds before. (THERE’S THE INTERN WE KNOW AND LOVE!) He says that he had a wonderful time and hands it over to Stephanie. Sophia, in her fourth ensemble of the day, watches as her “daddy for the day” lights her birthday candles and Mom kisses him on the arm. She closes her eyes and blows out the candles.

Stephanie tells the camera that she also made a wish on Sophia’s birthday candles. She knows that four years ago her life changed, but today is a new beginning and she is falling fast. Jason asks if he can cut the date short because he needs to go shave his chest hair.

Group Date
Shannon, Naomi, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica, Megan
Let’s Get Busted For A Good Cause
(Only those of you who have big boobs though)

Jason is super stoked about this sexy date. He can’t believe that he’s going to have the opportunity to feel up eight different women and they won’t even care. Because it’s all for breast cancer awareness. Anything for the cause, am I right?

Seriously? Boob molds? Someone should be ashamed of themselves. And get a raise. That’s fine TV, my friend.

Jason leads the girls into a room full of busts. Quite literally, there are boobs everywhere you look. The girls seem super excited about the boobs. They are even more excited about the boobs when Jason tells them that they will be doing an art project to benefit the “Keep a Breast” campaign.

Jason: “We will be casting ourselves. You know…a sculpture of us from the neck to waist. All you have to do is take some baby oil and rub yourself down. I can’t help if you need me to. But if not, it doesn’t matter, because I get my own little peep show right here from this side of the colored panels. I can’t believe I’m standing here this long slathering baby oil on my righteous chest and no one is coming to do it for me. It’s like you’ve never kissed anyone besides your first high school boyfriend or something.”

Melissa gets nervous that her secret is out and bounds forward to help slather. She’s prematurely jock blocked by Erica who grabs the bottle and starts the lubrication process. Stalker Shannon is unable to move because Jason is within five feet of her and goes into anaphylactic shock, her mouth gaping wide open.

Jason settles down with a rum and Coke on the opposite side of the colored panels—ready for the music to begin. Shadows of boobs are everywhere. There’s even a nip or two. That’s right, I said NIP. Jason goes down the line, trying to guess which girls belong to which silhouettes when the ABC Intern approaches him with a fresh t-shirt and vest. Jason waves him off. This is no time to be modest. He will go shirtless with his women.

Just when he can’t stand it anymore, he asks permission to cross the colored panel divide into the promised boob land. The girls agree.

Jason: “Hey Melissa. What are those scars on your boobs?”
Melissa: “I’ll explain later.”

Jason: “Hey Megan. I knew you would have the biggest boob mold.”
Megan: “I’d stand in the street naked and do this.”

Jason: “Hey Kari. I know your boobs aren’t big, but are you having a good time?”
Kari: “I’m doing this for my step-sister. I’m going to paint my boobs pink.”

Stalker Shannon: “JASON! JASON! YOU PASSED ME UP! COME BACK!”
Jason: “Oh right. Hey Shannon.”

Stalker Shannon: “YOU REMEMBERED MY NAME! Please, Jason, PLEASE! Put one of those paper-mâché things on me. Right here. Across my boobs. It’s for a good cause. OH PLEASE JASON!”

After the boob molds dry, the girls have the opportunity to paint their artwork. Naomi tries to make her boobs even by using creative shadowing, but it doesn’t work. Nikki hones her OCD skills to create an exact replica of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” across her boobs. Kari wraps a pink breast cancer awareness ribbon around her left boob. Melissa puts two Dallas Cowboy navy and silver stars in strategic places on her boobs. And Megan asks no one in particular how to draw a fetus because they feed off of boobs.

A quick check on the ABC website confirms that it does say Megan has a child. This eases my anxiety for her well-being.

Jason decides that he still needs time alone with some of the ladies and their boobs. He also wants to see who can be wild and crazy like him while revealing something interesting in the process. No ABC Intern, he does NOT want to put a shirt on. Stop bugging him!

Jason: “Your boobs looked good today.”
Melissa: “Thanks! I’m very proud of my boobs. Do you know why? Because they are the product of a breast reduction and I love them!”

Jason: “Wow.”
Melissa: “Yeppers. I was a 36FF in high school. It was miserable. They went all the way down to my knees. But now you know my secret. I’m literally perky all the way around! GO COWBOYS!”

Jason to the camera: “I never saw that coming.”

Meanwhile, Stalker Shannon is upset she has not had time to be alone with Jason. All these other pesky girls constantly around bum her out. She sulks in a corner listening to the “Jason Chill” playlist on her iPod and thinks about how he felt her up earlier in the day.

Jason, on the other hand, is learning a lot about Megan. Fortunately, she keeps the big fetus question to herself as they talk about boobs.

Jason: “Your boobs were rockin’ today, but I noticed you were quiet.”
Megan (very defensive): “I was concentrating. What’s wrong with that?”

Jason: “Nothing. It’s just that you are so big busted. I figure you would have a lot to contribute. Oh, and you’re a Mom too.”
Megan: “I was thinking of other people Jason. Back off. Do you know what a huge role model I am to dozens of young girls? And I don’t get paid a lot to be in their life. It’s been a week and not one person has thanked me or praised me. It’s literally enough to drive me crazy. But today I felt I had worth. I want someone to get a lot of money from my boobs.”

Jason: “If it was allowed and it didn’t violated my contract, I’d pay.”
Megan: “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has said to be besides the cameraman who paid me $100 flash him at the rose ceremony the other night. Thank you, Jason.”

Our Bachelor decides to throw Erica a bone and attempt to have a conversation. It doesn’t go well. Probably because he was distracted by the red scrunchy holding up a very messy ponytail.

Ducking behind a pole to avoid Stalker Shannon, Jason finds Nikki practicing her “surprised face” in the art museum lobby mirror for when she is announced Miss Congeniality of season 12.

Jason: “Your boobs were exquisite today. So perfect and precise.”
Nikki: “Thank you Jason. I am a total control freak.”

Silence.

Jason: “Really? What’s that about?”
Nikki: “I’m a perfectionist!”

[Crickets chirping]

Poor Nikki. Poor little beauty queen. She choked. She pulled out a card from the hat and didn’t know the answer. And there was no way to fit in something about wanting world peace. She admits that she is trying and blames her pageant coach for pushing her too hard. And now she’s crying. Can we get some makeup over here? MAKEUP!

Cut the remaining girls at the mansion when the lame date card arrives. Lauren is pretty sure that she, Molly, or Natalie will get a rose. (You think? You’re the only ones there, Lauren. Look alive.) Natalie and her spray tan will be heading out for a night on the town.

Back at the boob museum, Shannon and Melissa are hanging out in a ping pong chair. Shannon is in a funk and doesn’t know why she hasn’t had a chance to be alone with the Bachelor. How is it that Jillian always finds a way to get him in a bed with furry blankets?

Jillian: “Let’s see who can jump the highest. Ready? 1-2-3!”
Jason: “Wow. That was fun. I like you even though you don’t have huge boobs.”

Jillian: “Thanks J. I’m comfortable in my own skin and love my life. I think you and I are aboot the same when it comes to marriage. I can find someone I love easy. It’s finding someone I can’t live withoot that’s the tough part.”
Jason: “You are so wise. And you talk funny too! Ty will totally dig your chili.”

Jason leads the girls back to the Hall of Boobs to see their hard work. They all meander around the boobs and Shannon is beside herself. She can’t stand not to touch him. She stares, musters up the courage and says, “HI” as she grabs him in a death grip. Megan says she needs to GET a grip. Which Shannon does. A grip of Jason’s hair.

It completes her collection of “Jason Memorabilia” which includes an old Kleenex, a fajita tortilla, and soggy leftover paper-mâché strip that covered his left nipple region. She doesn’t even notice that Jason gives the date rose to Hot Dog Jillian.

“Boob” word count = 41
That has to be some sort of record.

One-On-One Date Two
Natalie
Viva Las Vegas

Jason thinks that Natalie is extremely attractive. She’s hot and fun. But he needs to find out who she is on the inside. Because on the outside, she is fine. And that is important. Hotness is key. But there must be a connection other than a bangin’ body.

Natalie takes forever and a day to get ready. She has to let herself dry before sitting down. Stephanie packs her bags, while Lauren uses a hair dryer on her legs to help the spray tan sink in faster. Wearing the perfect tiny black dress, she Chi’s her extensions one last time before slinking down to meet our Bachelor.

Jason pulls his tongue back in his mouth, wipes the drool, and tells her she looks amazing. But he thinks she’s missing something. Since she is all into fashion, he decides to let her borrow a million dollar necklace and bracelet.

Oh, yo, oh, yo, catch this.

Her spray tan glows with the diamonds as Jason makes her spin around for the crowd. He walks her to the waiting limo, liquors her up with a champagne toast, and then makes her close her eyes for some reason. She holds on to his crotch for support. Vertigo.

When she opens her eyes, she sees a private jet waiting to take them to Las Vegas. I half-expected him to say they were going to San Francisco to see the ballet. (These are broken. Mine are broken. Look! There’s a band!)

She pulls her extensions, drinks more alcohol, and nearly pees her pants when they land when she spies a helicopter waiting for them. Because of the motion sickness, she grabs his inner crotchal area again for support and comments on all the beauty she sees below.

Spray Tan Natalie: “Look at all the nature. The trees. That water. The Hoover Dam. All those casinos down there. It’s amazing. SHUT UP! Look at how my diamonds sparkle in the reflection of the window! AWESOME!”
Jason: “Those aren’t YOUR diamonds. Please remember that.”

After the helicopter ride, Natalie is further excited by the strip. She’s freaking out at all the wedding chapels but has enough sense to keep one hand on Jason’s crotch and the other stroking her extensions.

Spray Tan Natalie: “Am I good company?”
Jason: “Nat, you make me feel like James Bond when I walk around Vegas with you. I love how everyone looks at me and wishes there were with this hot young thing. You are sweet and obviously beautiful. I want to get to know you better and dig beneath your surface.”

Natalie gives him a reassuring wink. Jason flashes his pearly whites. Lincee reminds them what happens to the hot young girls in James Bond movies.

They die. They become bad guy fodder in the second act.

Jason: “Is there anything I should know about you?”
Natalie: “I’m cute, sporty, and love clothes.”

Jason: “What else?”
Natalie: “I love bears.”

Wow. Two Jim Halpert faces in back-to-back episodes. Scary.

Jason: “Like, koala bears? Panda bears?”
Natalie: “Sure I like koala and panda bears. But I like other ones too. Polar, Paddington, Kodiak, brown, gummy, Fozzy, Chicago, Winnie, necessities, the one in the big blue house, Smokey. My favorite is the teddy bear. I left my bear in a store once and it was like the end of the world. I remember like it was yesterday. Is that Kim Kardashian? I love her!”

Jason: “You were saying?”
Natalie: “What? Oh I got sidetracked. I don’t know what I was saying.”

Jason: “You were talking about how your philosophy has changed.”
Natalie: “Right. I was ready but now I don’t know. All I know is that I have a deep, deep, deep love for children. Because kid’s clothes are so cute and I would love to dress Ty up in corduroy. Preferably with bears on them. I don’t want to party anymore unless it’s the weekend.”

Later, Jason admits that he’s unsure if he is going to give her the rose. He’s torn. She’s totally hot. But that’s about it. Will his friends and the ABC camera crew ever let him live this down?

Natalie, on the other hand, is pumped that she is going to get a rose. Even though there hasn’t been any kissing, she knows that the super secret celebrity singer will get them in the mood. A private performance by Kate What’s-Her-Name is sure to do the trick.

Jason knew that she wanted him to kiss her, but he just couldn’t do it. The song ends. Kate What’s-Her-Name collects her $100 check from ABC and Jason leads Natalie to the couch.

Jason: “Your beauty is amazing. I’m going to hold this rose and not give it to you. I wanted there to be something tonight, but if I kept you here it wouldn’t be fair. So I’m going to let you smell the rose, ask for my diamonds back, and send you on your merry way.”
Natalie: “Why?”

Jason: “There are no commonalities between us.”
Natalie: “What do you mean commonalities?”

Jason: “And there we have it. Right there, sweetheart. There’s your answer. I shouldn’t have to explain what that means.”
Natalie: “I’m tired of being stereotyped as beautiful. I’m more than that. I like NATURE. Bears to be exact. And the Hoover Dam. I’m just surprised that you would keep girls who are mean in that house.”

Jason perks up.

Jason: “Tell me, Hot Girl. Give me names.”
Natalie: “You totally pulled a DDAHnna and made me think I was getting a rose. I’m not telling you ANYTHING!”

The diamond police come and remove the necklace and bracelet from Natalie’s neck and wrist.

Back at the mansion, the girls discuss Natalie’s fate. They all agree that if Jason picks her to stay, he is crazy and only in it for the hotness. Cue mute dude in black walking through the door to pick up Natalie’s belongings. A cheer from giddy Bachelorettes could be heard within a file-mile radius.

“I am going to be an awesome mother. I know that right now. He’s probably intimidated by me. I’m not mad. I just thinks it’s odd. If you don’t feel an attraction to me, who do you think you are?”

In the limo, the ABC psychotherapist tries her hardest to get Natalie to cry at the beginning of her rejection confession, but decided that anger better suited her personality. She encouraged her to let it all out with gusto and hand gestures. And if she needed to curse, so be it. That’s what the bleep button and fuzzy blob are for:

Then there was a bunch of bleeping. Classy lady.

Rose Ceremony

Jason is concerned about the girls Natalie eluded to as she was flipping him off from the sun roof of the limo. He decides to do a little investigating and starts with Naomi.

Jason: “Naomi, I need to know the truth. Which girls are causing trouble? Natalie said there are some bad apples in the bunch.”
Naomi: “Did she say my name?”

Jason: “No, no. You are smart and I know I connect with you on so many levels. Can you help me?”
Naomi: “I feel the same connection too Jason! Oh thank you. But I don’t want to talk to you about the girls. I want to talk about my ex-boyfriend. He’s the only one that I’ve given my entire self to. I know you want to know who is for real here, but I’m here to tell you that I’m a sort-of virgin. And I want to kiss you.”

Not being one to pass up a good kissing opportunity with a brunette, Jason makes out with Naomi. Alas, he is unsuccessful in finding out any information from this tartlet in a red mini dress.

Still determined, Jason tries to have a conversation with Nikki. But it’s hard because her dress not only accentuates two very large boobs through a peep-hole in the front, and the pattern appears to be on fire. Nikki chose this dress to show Jason her fun side! She’s hopeful that something naturally will happen.

Jason talks about how he loves change and ambiguity. Nikki talks about how she is super organized, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, she leaves her toothbrush on the OTHER side of the sink than her mouthwash. Huh? Pretty crazy! Or OCD. Whatever.

Jason admits that organization is not one of his strengths. Nikki leans in and tells him that’s what girls are for.

And then we witness one of the most awkward kisses on national television. I’m convinced. If you’ve had the same boyfriend for 35 years, you should know how to straight up kiss a dude. Why Jason had to grab Nikki’s head and tilt it in a certain direction like they were in seventh grade, we’ll never know. I was hiding behind a pillow. It was bad. Can I get an amen?

Recovering from Kissing 101 with Nikki, Jason decides to ask motor mouth a few questions. Instead, Erica and her messy pony tail inquire of Jason what it takes to get a rose? Jason assures her not to worry and reminds us that he never got a rose on a group date. Then Erica accuses Jason of looking at her boobs. Jason says that he was just looking at the color of her dress.

On to Molly…Jason’s favorite make out buddy. Molly is starting to get butterflies. She admits that it is hard sharing him with 11 other girls, then quickly changes her answer to 10. She inquires about Natalie’s parting. Was that tough? Jason seizes the opportunity to get some dirt on the other girls but Molly somehow turns it into tonsil hockey.

If you aren’t keeping up, he’s up to three kisses this night!

And then there’s Shannon. Bless her heart Stalker Shannon. She’s so far gone that she’s made herself sick with nerves. She cries like a baby, talks about how there’s no one to confide in, and she wants to hurl herself into a wall because she’s not making a connection like the other girls. Jason has bike helmet placed nearby and continues to listen as Shannon talks about how she wanted to jump through the TV last year when DDAHnna left him brokenhearted on the Home Depot proposal pedestal. She just wants to know him in her pajamas and drink hot tea while they plan their future vacations to Disney World with Ty. Is that too much to ask?

Jason hands Stalker Shannon a paper bag and heads over to Stephanie. He needs a good friend to talk to. Someone his own age who can give him some sound advice on what to do about these crazies.

Forgetting that Stephanie was an actual contestant and not his mentor, Jason is surprised when he starts getting come hither looks. She asks him to close his eyes. He does.

And I can’t type the rest. It was a weird musical chair-ish kissing game on his face that had “thank you” messages between each peck. I fast forwarded because of the embarrassment. And then I fetch my own paper bag, just in case.

After crying to the ABC psychotherapist about the pending broken heart of Stephanie (she’ll be gone in two weeks I predict) Jason finally runs into someone who is willing to talk.

Jason: “Look, I’ll give you a rose if you just tell me who the mean girls are.”
Lauren: “Erica and Megan are the two drama queens. I’m actually afraid of Megan. I believe she could take me out fully clothed in her lacrosse gear. If you like Megan or Erica, I’m not the girl for you. And neither are any of the other ones in there. We’ve all talked about it behind their backs. Natalie was in their same boat. Now where’s my rose?”

Sadly for Lauren, Megan heard everything she revealed to Jason. I’d sleep with one eye open Lauren. Lacrosse balls can be deadly.

Back in the Wall of Shame room sponsored by Pier One, Our Host Chris Harrison talks to Jason about the drama and how he’s about to make a very tough decision.

OHCH: “Natalie said there were some mean girls. Did you find anything out?”
Jason: “Well, I got distracted by boobs and kissing, but Lauren finally told me what was going on. Apparently, Erica and Megan are troublemakers. I feel so lost. I couldn’t care less about Erica and her ratty ponytails, but Megan is hot and has big boobs. What am I supposed to do?”

OHCH: “Obviously you are confused. Get your thoughts together as you look on the Wall of Shame. I have an idea. Follow me when you are ready.”

Jason struggles with what is right and what is easy and who has boobs and who has Mommy potential. He mopes into the rose ceremony room befuddled.

OHCH: “Jason is worried that he’s going to send the wrong woman home. There is a lot of drama, which is great for the ratings. Thanks so much for signing the contracts that says you are willing to show shadow nipples on regular TV. But we are here for different reasons tonight. We want you girls to speak candidly and speak from the heart. Do any of you have anything to say?”

Silence.

OHCH: “Come now. There’s free champagne for the first girl who speaks up.”

Erica: “I for one am shocked.” She takes the flute from the ABC intern and high fives him. “I didn’t realize we were fighting.” She downs the drink in one swallow.

Nikki moves forward to OHCH: “We are all adults Chris. I know we are going to get through this tough time.” She walks stage left and executes a three point turn. “All I want is house peace.” She flashes her winning smile, waves to Jason (elbow, wrist, elbow, wrist) and returns to her spot in line.

Megan on the other hand…

“People who talk trash about me will see the b!tch come out!”

Lauren: “Blah, blah, blah.”
OHCH: “Now we’re getting somewhere! Who has a problem with Megan?”
Erica: “Do we get another drink if we answer?”
OHCH: “Tequila shots my friend.”
Erica: “I have a big problem with her!”
Laruen: “Blah, blah, blah.”
Megan: “I’m not five years old and I would never tattle! B!tch!”
Shannon: “I’m going to be sick.”

Stalker Shannon walks off to cry and hurl in the bathroom. The stress is too much to stand. Someone get the psychotherapist. And a breath mint.

Jason goes to the toilet to check on her. She opens the door, green-faced, and smiles her toothy grin. Did he bring her pajamas? No. He just wants to offer his sympathy. OH JASON! Here’s a hug from me and my vomit mouth.

Tension continues to mount as the group waits for Shannon to rinse her mouth out and return. Lord please let him call her name first so she can go lay down.

Roses go to:

Molly: She was right. Jason didn’t need a date with her to give her a rose
Lauren: Bribe rose
Melissa: Jason hopes he can see a picture of her old jugs one day
Naomi: No clue why she is still here
Stephanie: Sympathy rose
Jillian: She’s going to go far
Shannon: ABC paid him to keep her
Nikki: Fire dress + boobs = rose
Megan: no clue

And that’s it my friends. All in all, it was a pretty good episode. I’m still wondering when DDAHnna is going to show up. And can’t wait for next week’s General Hospital open audition!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee