Bachelor Nick — Episode 10 and WTA

In case you were wondering how things went with Raven and Bachelor Nick during their fantasy suite date, wonder no more. Our favorite Arkansas boutique owner actually agrees to make a “Satisfaction” video featuring herself skipping through Finland giving strangers on the street high fives, petting pooches, making snow angels, and peeping out from behind a rainbow-colored fence. The entire spectacle was set to the tune of a campy lounge singer from the 70s that reminded me a lot of this:

Where’s my bucket?

RACHEL FANTASY SUITE
Even though they both are wearing bulky parkas that don’t scream “JUMP INTO MY ARMS,” Rachel greets Nick with the signature Jump and Straddle (trademark pending). He manages to catch her and give her a big old kiss before they go cross country skiing.

Well, Nick skis. Rachel falls down. Multiple times. They finally make it to the reindeer farm and Rachel goes for the obvious holiday joke, asking Donner if he has seen Santa.

1. I respect the fact that she didn’t call him Rudolph. #nothinbutlovefortheoriginal8
2. We called the reindeer Sven. #frozen4ever

Nick takes Rachel to a wooden igloo where they enjoy a few mugs of hot liquid. I’m guessing butterbeer. With a touch of whiskey.

Rachel is still having a hard time telling Nick how she really feels. The pressure to drop an “I love you” is tremendous. Nick rubs her thigh to make her feel more comfortable. This technique doesn’t work.

The next thing we know, they are outside in the frigid weather laying down in a wooden slay lined with five thousand blankets being pulled by Sven who has a GoPro attached to his hind quarters. Now we can see everything St. Nick does. Spoiler: They make out.

Later that night, Rachel gives the cold air of Finland the bird by wearing a crop top to dinner. Or she forgot to update her weather app with her current location. Either way, it was a poor choice. No amount of butterbeer can keep her warm.

Fortunately, things get hot under the collar when Nick leads Rachel into another round of “will she or won’t she?” in the “I love you” department. Nick says it’s very important for him to know “where we stand.” Rachel thinks it’s obvious. Our bachelor isn’t so sure.

Nick: If you had to check your ego at the door, what would your heart say?
Lincee: Love is an open dooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Rachel: I’m falling in love with you.

Nick kisses her for a job well done, hands the forgo card over, and smiles as she barely thinks about her decision to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Of course she will! In fact, she mounts him upon arrival and the “do not disturb” sign is immediately placed on the door. Then Rachel tells the camera that she’s “excited to go deeper with Nick.”

Pine. Apple.

Because we are in Finland and lacy negliges that are traditionally saved for rose ceremonies aren’t suitable nightwear for such frosty environments, Rachel busts out the penguin-themed onesie. Her pajama game is on point. Nick makes her eggs for breakfast and tells the camera that this journey is tough.

Nick: I’m just looking to seal the deal.
Lincee: Didn’t you just seal the deal?

We didn’t have a Pleasure Town montage with Rachel, so that bit of information we really don’t need (or care) to know is still up in the air.

VANESSA FANTASY SUITE
Vanessa Jumps and Straddles (trademark pending) when she sees Nick standing in ankle-deep snow. I’m sure she would have rethought her enthusiasm when she heard what he had planned for her.

It’s a one-off of the Polar Bear Challenge. Except in Finland, you go from ice cold bath that is OUTSIDE, to an indoor sauna. You must go back and forth ten times in order to be considered either very cool or very foolish. The goal? To not catch pneumonia.

Vanessa is competitive. She’s game. Even when Nick comes out in a skin-tight, barely there royal blue pair of swim trunks that were a close relative to a Speedo. Back and forth. Up and down ladders. Making out between bouts. Vanessa’s Canadian body starts to adjust, but even Nick’s Wisconsin roots begin to withdraw from the fun of this ludicrous activity. They do it ten times, thanks to Vanessa’s need to “win,” and find sanctuary in a hot tub.

I’m sure someone lost a digit from frostbite.
I’m not sure why we had so many underwater shots of Nick’s junk in the cold bath.

Nick pulls Vanessa close to siphon some of her body heat. She snuggles in. Her facial expression changes when he mentions that her family is traditional, but he isn’t.

Vanessa pulls back and demands to know what he means by that statement.

Nick: Um…they are traditional and I’m not.
Lincee: That’s code for, “I wear a lot of skinny jeans and ubiquitous scarves and no nothing about hockey.”

Nick complains about an old girlfriend whose family was “very present” in their relationship. It affected everything. The fact that Vanessa has lunch with her family every Sunday is concerning to him. He wants to make sure their relationship is first and then family.

Vanessa drones on about core values (read: Lunch) during several different conversations. Nick notes that they are both stubborn and have a hard time compromising. Could they be too much alike for this to work? What about the fact that he’s really proud to be an American and she’s really proud to be a Canadian, eh? Where will they live?

Nick: I don’t fall easily…
Lincee: I beg to differ, but go on.
Nick: I don’t fall easily, but when I do, I fall hard.

Vanessa tells Nick that he makes her feel like she’s the only woman in the world, which is a great thing to feel since he’s technically dating two other women that she knows about. She drops the L-bomb all night long and easily forgoes her individual suite too. We don’t even get inside their accommodations. The camera is forced to creepily film from outside the window.

Or was that Sven again?

The next scene can’t be described as anything other than post coital bliss.

THIS IS TOO MUCH!

After a quick recap of what the remaining three women are feeling, the producers put them inside a bigger teepee for the rose ceremony. The poor ABC Intern had to go to the local market to fetch some blankets because there wasn’t an official rose ceremony rug for the women to stand upon.

Our Host Chris Harrison escorts each woman in one-by-one. Raven dresses like Morticia Addams, Rachel wears a bejeweled collar that would make King Tut jealous, and Vanessa channels Jessica Rabbit, but in a black color palette instead of red.

Nick cries his way through his opening remarks, gives a rose to Raven, waits ten minutes, and then gives another rose to Vanessa.

Poor Rachel is devastated, but she understands. She’s proud that she told him how she felt, and she’s kicking herself for not wearing waterproof mascara. Nick pulls a Crouching Tiger Hidden Mesnick by a burning log to work out his feelings. Or he lost the feeling in his legs. I can’t be sure.

WHAT WE LEARNED DURING WOMEN TELL ALL

• Our Host Chris Harrison looked phenomenal. He smelled of evergreen, a Texas Toddy, and seeing a man about a horse. It may be the best he’s ever looked, except for this magazine cover:

• Everyone’s weave was fresh.
• I will never understand the thought and scrapbooking ability that goes into some of these watching parties. They have posters, balloons, and t-shirts. We have queso. We’re all winners.
• I love that the UCLA girls watch the show in their pajamas. I also screamed to the TV, “THEY ARE ILLEGAL. DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE.” Kudos to the one girl who held a Harrison poster. She’s my people.
• Harrison came clean in regard to the freshly sprayed asphalt. They are actually the tears of prior bachelorettes.
• It was a shark. Not a dolphin. PS: Sholphin is totally fine that she was in the Friend Zone. She will do well on Bachelor in Paradise.
• The word “nap” was used way too much in two hours. I don’t care if Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln do it. Let’s move on.
• The Whitneys spoke more in these two hours than in the entire season put together.
• Who are Lacey and Hailey and that one who looks like a pageant girl?
• Josephine looked like Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus.

• Liz wore a romper that had slits in the pants up to her thighs. Her hair is blond now. She cried for most of her interview because everyone was mean to her on the panel. Then she lectured the girls on staying true to themselves and everyone gave her a standing ovation. #sisterhood
• Taylor and Corinne still hate each other. All Taylor wants is an apology for Corinne ruining her mental health career. Corinne did not give it to her. She did give everyone cheese pasta and stands by her statement that she was never mean to anyone on the show.
• Corinne walked off the panel to get a glass of champagne. The audience cheered, which I found confusing. When she was in the hot seat, she admitted to Harrison that she wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. I did not find that confusing.
• One lady in the audience wore a shirt that read: Emotional Intelligence is my JAM
• This is some legit double sided tape:

• Mother Russia endeared herself to everyone again and had the entire room in tears. Since the show aired, she’s been reunited with a few friends from the orphanage. I hope Kristina will do great things with her fifteen minutes of fame.
• This is Nick’s first Tell All because he’s always been in the final two.
• There is a mole on Lacey’s boob that she should have looked at. Also, WHO IS LACEY?
• Best quote by Harrison: We lost the greatest dolphin on TV since Flipper.
• DD Danielle interrupted Mother Russia’s closure moment with Nick to find her own closure. Neither found closure.
• Harrison reminded the audience that Rachel is the new bachelorette. She’s also African American. Rachel is proud and honored to hold that historic role, but she doesn’t want her season to be all about that fact. I think she’s going to be great!