‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: I always feel like somebody’s watching me

funny bachelor recap

I know what you’re thinking. You settled in last night to fry some brain cells because it had been a long day. And instead of Bachelor in Paradise, you were served a rather large helping of Michelle Money in Paradise with a generous side order of Chris’s knee hurts.

Remember my golden rule for watching this show dear reader. Look for the silver linings!

funny bachelor recap

Lincee’s Episode 3 Bachelor in Paradise Playlist — Only the Strong Survive

And I Love Her — Harry Connick, Jr.
In a nutshell, Marcus and Lacy have a real relationship that is based on a firm foundation of attraction for each other, embarrassment for their fellow tree dwellers and a love of waterproof/chlorineproof/oceanproof necklaces. That’s the main reason he gave Lacy his rose.

Lacy – The Time of My Life — Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
Lacy feels like she’s known Marcus her entire life. Everyone knows when you are that close to someone, the natural next step is to try and recreate the Dirty Dancing lift.

Not quite. Marcus needs to work on the move. Here’s a link to a training video.

I love finding an excuse to put that clip in recaps.

Okay, okay. Here’s the real thing. Watch and learn people. Watch and learn.

You Can’t Hurry Love — The Supremes
In one of the more entertaining montages of the evening, one camera follows Graham walking along the beach with Michelle Money, admitting AshLee’s tentacles are beginning to choke him. Then another camera features AshLee announcing her colors will be blush and bashful.

Graham: One day she just set the precedent that she’s with me. That’s very humbling and awesome, but also not really.
AshLee: I don’t want to waste anyone else’s time since I only like Graham.

Graham: I’m stressed.
AshLee: I’m sure that we will make it.

Graham: She even talked about me meeting her dad!
AshLee: My dad would be so proud of me that I picked Graham.

Graham: Yeah. She’s way ahead of me.
AshLee: Do you like my doily shorts?

AshLee finds a date card on her pillow. She runs to tell Graham the good news.

AshLee: This is why I came here. I have a connection with him. This is perfect. I can totally imagine myself living with him.
Graham: I know AshLee has feelings for me. There are issues we need to go over.
Lincee: Make sure to add “keep a close eye on my bunny” to that ever-growing list.

Wiggle It — 2 in a Room
At dinner, AshLee reminds Graham (in case he forgot) that she only came to Paradise because of him and her heart was set on the fact that she wanted a connection with him and only him. Graham wisely says, “But we’d never met before,” to which she replies, “I follow you on Instagram.”

Yep. That’s the same thing.

Graham decides that it’s safer for AshLee to just let her freak flag fly.

Graham: Outside of your breakdown [Clare asking him out] it’s been smooth sailing!

Graham tells her that he just wants to have a great time without any pressure and no “forever” talk. AshLee admits that they’ve been taking it slow long enough and now it’s time for the next step.

Enter forego night date card. This should be fun.

Graham says that it’s inappropriate to stay the night together, but he’s happy to stay up late and dance in the street. That’s when this happened:

No matter how hard I yelled and screamed in protest at the television, the scene kept unfolding before my eyes. AshLee wiggled her way into Graham’s arms and squished her lips against his as she writhed. She and Elise are a strange breed of woman that should be studied.

Graham admits that AshLee is not playing around and that all she has to do is move six inches to the left and six inches to the right to garner any and everyone’s attention. It looks like he kisses her back. They still go their separate ways at the end of the night. And I’d be willing to bet that this all ends with a panic attack and breathing into a paper bag in the back of an ambulance next week. And Graham is going to feel awful that he led her on since he gave her his rose at the ceremony.

Zack – Macho Man
The more Zack hangs around in the background, waiting for gentlemanly moments, the more I like him. He’s the one who always helped Chris up stairs and on the beach when he couldn’t walk. And he did a great job consoling Clare who was mourning the 10-year-anniversary of her father’s death. He seems to genuinely like Clare, so he gives her his rose.

The Sign — Ace of Base
What is the deal with this cast’s fascination with turtles? While Clare is praising Zack for being gentle, compassionate, strong, loving and genuine, she spies a huge turtle at the edge of the water laying eggs. She sees this as a sign from her father. A sign of new life! They aren’t in Paradise to hand out friendship roses. They are here to make babies. Obviously.

Later she arranges for a double date with Michelle Money and Robert. No, no. That’s not a typo. I meant to write Robert. You see, two minutes into the show, Michelle Money announces she is sexually attracted to Marquel. Then Danielle shows up and her emotions switch to “super I don’t know.”

Hmmm. I think Elise and AshLee have a pill for that. Clearly they are confident in what they know. Perhaps you can trade a date night hair style for one?

Clare thinks the best way for Michelle to get over Marquel (he’s so yesterday) is to go after Robert. He totally has a swing rose and who cares if Sarah is interested in him? If Michelle is super honest with Sarah, she can’t get mad about the double date. Read the signs! Robert is Michelle Money’s type.

Heads Carolina, Tails California — Jo Dee Messina
Too bad Michelle Money is not Robert’s type. The person you give your rose to is the person who remembers you told them a story about how you brought five blue shirts and had to borrow a sweet corral one from Graham. And that person is Sarah.

The Sweetest Thing — Juice Newton
Each season, there’s always a nice girl who just doesn’t belong in the cesspool. They never can understand why the boys don’t like them. They are constantly questioning their confidence and are often found alone and crying. I’m glad Robert gave her his rose and I have no doubt that he just wants to be friends.

Almost Paradise — Mike Reno
Danielle is the psychiatric nurse from Juan Pablo’s season. When she arrives in Paradise with a date card, she asks who is already partnered up? Michelle Money creates a new rule out of thin air: you must go with your gut without knowing any information about anyone. Pick the one you’re attracted to!

Immediately Clare flings her head onto Zack’s shoulder. Lacy was already sitting in Marcus‘ lap, plus they were holding hands speaking their secret language, so she knew that was out. AshLee’s eyelashes were replaced by daggers and a mental dare, scary enough to make Danielle think twice. And Graham was across the room!

She chooses Marquel. They explore nearby Campeche, pick flowers, moonwalk off the beaten path, strip down in a courtyard, swim, ask questions and almost get struck by lightning. All in all, it was a solid date and Danielle feels confident she will get Marcus’ rose.

Red Headed Stranger — Willie Nelson
Marquel and Danielle arrive back at the treehouse and everyone is contractually obligated to have a party out on the beach so the new contestant’s dramatic entrance can actually be considered dramatic. I thought walking through the sand in wedges was dramatic enough, but what do I know? Will she fall? Is she going down?

It’s Jackie from Sean’s season. Everyone thinks she’s beautiful and then immediately hate her for the date card she holds in her hand. The same rules apply. She must pick based on first impressions alone. And she picks Marquel.

This Kiss — Faith Hill
Marquel and Jackie explore the ruins that Robert and Clare explored on episode one. It was the exact same date, minus the ants. Marquel feels a spark with Jackie that he can’t explain, so he breaks his rule of never kissing on the first date. He tells her about the rule, explaining that he doesn’t typically do this and if she wants she can participate or she can back away, it’s totally up to her and now he’s going to go in for the kill and is she ready? It was the longest prologue to a kiss.

Marquel gives his rose to Jackie and Danielle is sent home packing a mere 24-hours after arriving. To quote the medical professional, “It wasn’t Paradise. It was Marq-hell.”

This is what it has come to people.

One Way or Another — Blondie
Elise lives in a strange world full of dream boards that encourage her to visualize her future. The problem is that her dream board is very fluid and she can go from visualizing her life with Dylan one day, and visualizing her life with Chris the very next. This concerns exactly everyone living in the treehouse. She politely thanks them for their concern and then rushes off to get ready for her overnight date with Chris who is “ready to get down and dirty” because “Elise has a bangin’ body.”

When the forego card arrives, Elise tucks it in her bosom to keep safe. She wants to put it on her dream board because their names look soooooo good together. Chris wants to skip through the boring stuff because “he’s so horny.” Elise attempts to dip a toe in the non-bubbling hot tub as I wondered if her emerald green sequin bikini would discolor in the water. Also, isn’t it itchy?

Elise: I came here to find a boyfriend. And a husband.
Lincee: And now you have herpes! Victory!

Walk This Way — Aerosmith
Chris somehow torn some meniscus in his knee while in the ocean. He tells us every chance he gets that he’s in a lot of pain. As someone who tore their ACL in Cuba (salsa dancing of course), in a country where there isn’t any ice, plus a five hour plane ride back to Houston, I sort of get why he’s complaining.

funny bachelor recap-Knee

To which I reply, “Suck it up.”

He sucks it up long enough to forego card with the bangin’ body and then he heads to the hospital. Elise proudly wheels him out in a wheelchair, teetering in her four-inch heels and Zack carries him to his bunk bed. Elise is a caretaker and can’t wait to fetch ice for him all day long. Then she’s going to fetch a 2×4 and a sledge hammer!

Elise: This such good training. We might be in the hospital together some day.

Chris is the last to hand out rose at the ceremony and no one is surprised when he calls Elise’s name. He tells her that he can’t give her the rose, because he’s leaving (due to an injury–you may not have been aware that he hurt his knee?) and he wants her to go with him.

She responds with the enthusiasm of a girl who just received an engagement ring instead of a girl who has been in a three-day relationship with a notorious franchise villain. Everyone pities her behind her back. Then Chris whips up some tears and gives his rose to the one person who deserves true love. Michelle Money.

Roar — Katy Perry
Michelle Money has the eye of the tiger. She’s a fighter. She’s dancing through the fire. She is a champion, and you’re going to hear her roar.

I think her rose deserves a slow motion celebration.

I hope you enjoy this week’s playlist!

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August 19, 2014 11:08 am

Then another camera features AshLee announcing her colors will be blush and bashful.

I die!!!

Awesome recap of an awesomely BORING show!!!

August 19, 2014 11:10 am

LOL!! YOU are the only reason i am hanging in. You crack me up.

Blush and Bashful! ha
You did hear the “cute babies” comment right?
It was a bless her heart moment.

Anyone sense a trend with these women? Cray Cray. Totes.

Minus Sarah. She just needs to go. I feel so bad for her.

August 19, 2014 11:20 am

This is why I watch the show… lines like this: Ashlee and Elise “are a strange breed of woman that should be studied” – amazing.

You didn’t mention Money’s eye twitch when Danielle picked Marquel, realizing her advice to “pick any guy” just backfired.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Ashlee said “hot babies” several times, not just “cute babies”. That is so much creepier.

August 19, 2014 11:24 am

Thanks for the great recap! I was busy pulling weeds in the flower beds last night and my DVR picked Dallas and RHOC over Bachelor in Paradise. But, I knew you would catch me up on all the craziness. I am sure I enjoyed your recap way more than actually watching it.

August 19, 2014 11:27 am

Whenever Chris gave Michelle Money his rose, I thought her reaction was a bit extreme. She acted like he gave her a kidney!

Also, thanks for the Undateable Slow Motion Celebration. It never gets old!

August 19, 2014 12:22 pm

Doily shorts!!!!!! Freakin’ hilarious!!!!

August 19, 2014 12:28 pm

Confession #1: I am not watching this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
Confession #2: I am still reading your recaps.

I don’t really feel like you have to be watching one to enjoy the other 🙂 Hilarious, as usual.

August 19, 2014 12:46 pm

You’re a hoot!

August 19, 2014 12:57 pm

“Hot Babies”?

August 19, 2014 1:44 pm

I giggled all the way thru your re-cap and I admit, I am watching.. if nothing else – for the hilarious exploits of very insecure people..

Elise’s comments all night – ‘silver linings and rainbows’ .. .. and I live in the south ‘Bless Her Heart’

August 19, 2014 2:25 pm

Did you know that around 75% of the population has herpes (HSV) 1 or 2, but that the majority do not know it? Oral herpes (cold sores) can be spread through oral sex and is now the leading cause of new cases of genital herpes.
The comment about Elise getting herpes from Chris was a little distasteful in my opinion. Please keep in mind that for many, and I do mean many people, the stigma attached to herpes is emotionally painful.

August 19, 2014 3:08 pm

I think Graham asked Danielle if she was going to give Marquel her rose and she said yes. I wonder if Graham was considering switching over to Danielle from Ashlee if Danielle had indicated she was open at all to any one else.

August 19, 2014 3:08 pm

Music Suggestion for next week. Jimmy Buffetts ‘Lovely Cruise’ .. will be perfect when I suspect that Graham will let the Stalker go..

August 19, 2014 3:44 pm

I don’t know why, but I keep subjecting myself to this awful, awful show on Monday nights. Thank goodness for your recap to make me laugh so hard. I love how you pick up all the nuances and small details. Why is Sarah there, I keep asking myself. She is way too nice and too sane to be in that cesspool. Elise and AshLee, bless their combined hearts. How delusional can they be? I kept screaming at Graham last night to run as far as he could and get away. Hopefully he will let AshLee go next week, he better… Read more »

August 19, 2014 3:51 pm

Sarah summarized the Bachelor franchise when she said something to the effect of ”

don’t move too fast…you still have 12 more days here.”

Then she said Graham and AshLee (I think) were “definitely, probably going to get married.”

Those two lines alone cracked me up!

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