We are one episode away from ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ airing the final stages of two people’s journey to the altar and 10 other’s two week vacation. But it’s not all fringe bikini tops and mysterious caves from here on out. Our Host Chris Harrison breezes into the rose ceremony like a breath of fresh air on Black Friday and warns the couple and “couples” that he is going to shake things up in Paradise. Everyone but Graham seems concerned.

Robert delivers the first date card to Marcus and it’s all anyone can do to not roll his or her eyes when he asks Lacy out. Sarah assumes they will get married and have very tan babies. I would agree with that statement.

Lacy and Marcus walk hand-and-hand down a trail. He looks jungle chic. She’s wearing a tablecloth around her shoulders. They come across an hold wooden ladder that disappears into a deep hole and decide it would be super rad to explore the eerie, mysterious cave.

Lacy is interviewed by the ABC camera man. He tells her three times that the pointy things stretching from the ceiling and floor of the cave are called stalactites and stalagmites. Lacy nods her head in determination and calls them stalaglites. ABC aired the entire exchange because they choose to poke fun at their contestants 80/40 percent of the time.

They spy a ominous pool, throw on a couple of life jackets and ease into about two inches of water. Safety first y’all.

The ABC Intern was on fire this episode. He managed to fashion a tiny raft made of driftwood which floated beside Marcus as the pool got deeper and the cave got darker. Suddenly there are bats EVERYWHERE. This is what Bruce Wayne’s worst nightmares are made of, yet our lovers seemed unfazed.

Lacy: I’m a little nervous about the bats.
Marcus: I’ll protect you.
Lincee: From rabies?

They make it through to the other side and are rewarded with a lovely oasis. The Intern exchanges their life jackets for red beach towels and margaritas, lights a citronella candle to keep the rabid bats away and leads them to the profession of love staging area.

Since they conquered a very scary situation together, Lacy is now ready to tell Marcus that she loves him. The animal kingdom rejoices at this news!

Back on the beach, Cody is doing his morning yoga, stick twists and boulder squats, while Michelle $ complains to Jesse that Cody is moving too fast.

M$: He told me that he loved me last night. I’m like, “What’s your last name again?”
Jesse: Cut the cord.
Lincee: Ah yes. Take advice from the guru of healthy relationships. Good call Money.

In other groundbreaking news, a long b-roll package of different kissing scenes proves that Sarah and Robert are totally getting along and nothing can stop her from falling in love. That is until Brooks walks up. She whines for several minutes, and even cries to Graham and Jackie, because he is the reason she came to Paradise in the first place. Life isn’t fair!

Zack and Robert take Brooks to the swinging bed and give him the rundown. Zack tries to ease him into reality, hinting that most of the girls are taken. Robert prefers the direct approach and warns him that if he asks Sarah on a date, he’ll kill him.

Brooks is technically left with Jackie and Christy as date options. He chooses Jackie and Zack immediately becomes a wounded soul. Who cares that he loved Clare yesterday? He was this close to becoming Zackie!

Jackie confuses “Mexican restaurant” with “toga party” but it was too late to change out of her goddess outfit. Michelle $ worked hard on that headdress, and there’s no time for a bang braid. They hit the town.

Let me just say that Brooks’ hair looks a lot better in my opinion, and he gained several points with me and Jackie when he spoke perfect Spanish to the waiter. He’s enamored with Jackie and often loses his train of thought due to this siren’s beauty. He challenges her to a game of fooseball. The locals begin taking bets and it is anticipated that the goddess will win. She does and Brooks graciously kisses her on the cheek.

Meanwhile, Robert is primping in front of the mirror spraying enough AquaNet to make me have 80s flashbacks. Sarah finds a note on her bed from him. He asks her to meet on the beach. Sarah fishes for a “where is this going” conversation. Robert responds by telling her he wants to go out on date and explore the real world. Sarah’s infatuation for Brooks magically disappears.

On the opposite side of the beach, Michelle $ is gathering up the courage to break it off with Cody Code, but he speaks his mind first.

Cody: My heart is going 100 miles per hour.
Lincee: It’s probably the steroids.

He tells her that he knows he’s being too aggressive too soon, but he doesn’t care. He is going to be honest with her, and all he knows is that he likes everything about her that a person can know after 48 hours. She should go at her own pace and he will give her space if she needs it. It’s her decision.

Michelle $ is smitten and believes this conversation has created a strong foundation for their relationship.

Do you know who else thinks she has a strong foundation? Christy. With Jesse. I’ll give you a moment to process that sentence and then shake your head in haughty derision.

Christy thinks that Jesse is charming and has all the qualities that any girl would be lucky to have. Michelle $ scoots her mentee into the bathroom and informs her that Jesse has been announcing his various unions with all the guys. This includes Jackie and unmentionable acts with The Naked Free Spirit.

Now Christy thinks Jesse is a d-bag. She puts on a royal blue denim vest over her bikini to ponder what went wrong. Michelle $ follows her outside to impart more of her wisdom, when suddenly an attractive figure begins making his way down the beach.

HELLO TASOS!

Truly? What happened to this guy since Andi’s season? I’m guessing CrossFit. He put on 20 pounds of lean muscle and is tossing all sorts of vibes. He introduces himself, grabs Michelle $ and heads over to the swinging bed.

Robert: If Tasos asks Michelle out, Cody might go Incredible Hulk.
Marcus: I think Cody is Incredible Hulk. We just don’t know for sure. Yet.
Graham: Cody will eat Tasos. His right leg will be like a chicken bone.

It turns out, Michelle $ is paving the way for Tasos to ask Christy out on a date. She thinks his sweet, gentlemanly spirit is exactly what Christy needs. Christy accepts the invitation and chooses not to wear a shirt on her date. They float on pool noodles that look like anacondas while comparing their pending relationship to the lazy current. They want to be slow and gentle, but always moving forward. Tasos wonders if he should kiss Christy? I wonder if Mexico has run out of sunscreen?

Next up? An athletic sequence! Graham is playing football. The girls are laying out. Sarah is playing cornhole with Robert. Brooks and Jackie are playing basketball. Zack broods in the corner.

Things look up for Zack when he gets the date card! All the bros seem genuinely excited for him except Graham. Graham is totally cool that his name wasn’t on the card, but he’s quite positive that AshLee is going to cut someone as a result.

Zack bounces into the shared living room and asks Jackie if she will go with him. She is delighted and rushes out to change clothes. AshLee is livid. She adjusts her twine and flower headband, passive aggressively muttering insults like, “he’s the most deserving” and “let’s be honest, Graham is the best catch here.”

This grates on Michelle $’s nerves and she vows to watch her like a hawk because she doesn’t trust AshLee as far as she can throw her.

Zack and Jackie pretty much go on the exact same date as Marcus and Lacy, except the ABC Intern left the life jackets on the oasis side, so Zackie is forced to swim through the bat-infested cave. They turn a corner and there is a lovely dinner nestled among the stalaglites. I half expected an indie artist to come floating in to sing them a song, but that didn’t happen.

Zack really lays it on thick at dinner. He wants her to know that like the cave, they should explore this relationship. Then he lifts her into the murky knee-deep water. She puts her head on his freshly waxed chest and they slow dance to the rhythm of nocturnal creatures preparing for flight.

Rose Ceremony
Zack gives Jackie a bracelet. Instead of telling her it’s cheap, he says that she must make a wish and when it randomly falls off, her wish will come true. Brooks sweeps in and paints her nails for some reason. And Christy still thinks Jesse is a d-bag.

Although I’m sure he’s been told this thousands of times, Jesse didn’t get the d-bag memo from Christy. He steals her from Tasos, even though he “doesn’t want to start a relationship with a dumb blond.”

Jesse: It comes down to Taco and myself. I’m not ready to leave Paradise.

Jesse feeds Christy a huge helping of double talk. He tells her he’s been casual, yet he wants to make an effort. He wants to open up but take things slow. Christy tells him that she doesn’t want “this” to go any further and then she brings up The Free Spirit.

Jesse flips the switch and announces that he is going home. He bids adieu to the girl wearing a romper in front of him and then makes his rounds to collect email addresses from the rest of the crew.

Michelle $ finds Christy wandering around with her mouth open in shock.

Christy: I’m anxious that I didn’t stand up for myself.
M$: This is not your fault.
Christy: I hate being the victim.
M$: So don’t play the victim. You owe it to yourself. This is not okay.

Do you see why Michelle $ needs to be a permanent fixture on this show?! These 20-somethings need her tutelage!

The Rejection SUV Driver has been radioed to NOT leave with Jesse. Michelle, Christy and Lacy all walk up, ready to drop some knowledge on Don “Jesse” Johnson. Christy calls him a coward for leaving before the rose ceremony. He tells her the relationship wasn’t progressing, so he chose to leave. He stares while Lacy and Michelle $ jump in and give their two cents. Michelle tells Christy she has the last word. Christy shrugs her shoulders and says, “Safe flight.”

Jesse: The party will continue. No one is heartbroken. When I get home I’ll have 16 emails, names and numbers and invitations to parties and festivals. Here’s to leaving Paradise.

I wonder how many festivals Jesse attends each year?

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus. I was distracted by her dress, blue eye shadow and big hair. Why does it look so familiar?

AshLee gave her rose to Graham. I’m anticipating a major meltdown next week. Sarah roses Robert, Money roses Cody Code, Christy roses Tasos and Jackie makes Zackie official. Brooks hugs everyone goodbye and Harrison drops the bomb about how life is about to change in Paradise.

What do you think it is? Will the couples have to switch? What is the dramatic ending that we won’t see coming? I bet someone has rabies. I KNEW IT.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee