Worst kept secret ever, am I right? I know some of you are nervous that Farmer Chris won’t be entertaining enough to hold our attention for eight weeks. To those of you who think that, I give you this:

We’re all in this together. On with the recap!

I’ve decided that two episodes of Bachelor In Paradise is uncalled for. Although I thought the Tuesday night debacle was definitely more dramatic than Monday, I often found myself watching my TV like this:

To repeat a comment I posted on Facebook, all these people need warm hugs.

Then I look down and am shocked to see I took 12 PAGES OF NOTES. How did that happen? Sure a good three pages include some variation of the phrase “bless her heart,” but I’ve been doing this a long time and I’ve never written so much.

Sadly, time does not permit me to write an epic recap that covers every tiny, sad, laughable, dirty detail. Therefore, I will zip through the events, only hitting the memorable moments. Enjoy!

Tuesday night begins where Monday night left off: Graham doubled over in (according to Michelle Money) anxiety over accepting AshLee’s rose which is making him physically ill. He’s sweaty, clammy and a concerning shade of green.

Medic: Put your head between your legs.
Lincee: Take your shirt off.

AshLee stands at the rose pedestal, poised with her boutonniere, ready to reclaim her stolen moment, while Michelle Money runs to play Florence Nightingale. She shuffles around in her dress, fetching Graham water, insisting that he sit down and consoling her friend.

Graham: If you care about someone, you should have been right there with me.
Lincee: Indeed. Take your shirt off, man.

In all honesty, I agree. AshLee never once thought about checking on her man and she didn’t even ask if he was okay when he accepted her rose. Michelle Money and I were not happy.

Suddenly Lacy begins to sway back and forth. She hops off the rose receiving stair step and begins running through the tree house to the nearest bathroom, announcing to everyone in her way that she has to throw up. For some reason, the camera follows her. It was like The Blair Witch Project, but with puke. We find her clutching a toilet. Someone has unzipped her dress and we see the price tag flopping around. It looks like Lucy’s going to be wearing that sequin gown everywhere but the grocery store.

Her knight in shining cargo pants appears, insisting she go to the hospital. According to Marcus, seeing Lacy that ill terrified him. He told her not to open her mouth in the shower!

Marcus: I was scared the worst would happen.
Lincee: Diarrhea?

Finally we learn the real reason behind the footage of the ambulance we’ve seen on all the promos. No, Clare did not scratch AshLee’s eyes out. Lacy is admitted with severe abdominal inflammation and the only thing that makes her feel better is Marcus literally crawling into the hospital bed with her. It was actually very sweet.

Back at the ceremony, Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah to Robert and Jackie disappoints me by handing hers to Jesse the Jack Wagon. Kalon shouts a quick, “Peace out!” and heads to the resort for some room service. Marquel sighs in the rejection limo, wondering if he will ever find love.

The next day, Blond Christy from Juan Pablo’s season shows up and Zack can barely contain his excitement. Of course he’s been with Clare now for seven days, so he knows how to channel that into words of affirmation for his other half.

Christy picks Zack for her date. Zack tells her he is “figuring things out” with Clare. He later tells Clare that he turned the date down. Clare translated this as, “I want to propose in a day, get married in two and have babies in three.”

Sarah introduces Christy to Jesse. She invites him on the date. They follow the cartoon map to a tiny town. Instead of exploring, they find a cantina and belly up.

Christy: We roamed around, ate chocolate and then finally found all of the tequila. And the other booze that’s known here.

Christy knows that Jesse just went out on a date with Jackie. She tests the waters, asking if he feels…

Jesse: Guilt? No. I’m not weirded out by it. So what’s your status?
Christy: Typical d-bags that cheat.

Jesse: How did you find out?
Christy: Bra in his bed.

Jesse: Ha! [pretending to be the d-bag] “That’s not mine!”
Christy: Sounds like you have experience. Have you done that before?
Jesse: No. I just thought about what a d-bag would say. Let’s make out.

Sarah gets the next date card and invites Robert. He hugs her like a favorite cousin. She all but yanks down a literal green light from a four-way-stop, giving him all the signs that she is ready for his tongue to be in her mouth. He hems and haws. She straddles him in the pool and sticks her face directly in his. What would Gale do? It must have been the glow of the repurposed lanterns strewn about. Robert saw Sarah in a different light. Or he’s a typical horn dog. Could be both. They make out.

Back at the tree house, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, giving her a pedicure and generally acting a fool. He’s all in and wants Michelle to know. He’s talking about falling in love and she’s talking about how his quads are the size of tree trunks. I’m not sure who is putting eggs in baskets, but I definitely know they are not on the same page.

Zack and Clare are out by the bonfire on the beach. The conversation started with a simple, “I hope Christy doesn’t feel weird knowing you and I are coupled up.” Zack tells her that Christy is fine.

Zack: I’m physically attracted to you. It’s like UH you know what I mean?
I’m trying to be honest with you. Trying to figure out if a relationship for us is the right thing to do. I definitely want a relationship, but are we a fit for each other? I think you have qualities I look for in a girl, but it got very intense quickly and I wasn’t prepared.

Clare: Either you’re in or you’re out. Decide.
Lincee: Yeah. It’s been SEVEN DAYS dude.

Zack stares back. Clare leaves to cry in the bathroom. Michelle Money to the rescue! Oh wait. Just kidding. Clare is traipsing through the jungle! There’s her raccoon friend!

Clare melts down saying that she can’t handle the stress. She’s having a panic attack because she’s on national television looking like an idiot. AGAIN.

Clare: I’m leaving. This isn’t paradise. It’s torture.

Clare wakes Zack up from a dead sleep, forcing him to have a serious talk in the middle of the night. She thinks it’s best that she goes home. Zack pats her on the back and says nothing. I’m quite confident she expected a heartfelt, “Don’t go!” but he just carried her bags to the confession room.

Clare cries a few invisible tears, blows her knows and sits down to give her last thoughts on all things BIP.

Nice.

Graham hugs it out. Michelle tries to fix Clare’s disheveled hair. Zack carries Clare’s bags to the rejection coche and that is that. So long Clare Bear. We will miss your signature brand of crazy.

The producers were on this though. What do you do when one crazy chooses to leave the island? You send in the Free Spirit. The Free Spirit who is totally naked within 10 minutes of arriving. She and her boobs invite Jesse out on a date.

This sends Christy into a tailspin. Free Spirit is like her best friend on the island. Why would she pick the one guy she wants to make out with to go on a date with her?

Oh look! More ruins!

Jesse: I’ve been on three dates with three awesome chicks. I can’t wait for this one to take her top off again.

Winning.

Free Spirit lays it on thick with shots of booze from around here, conversations of nakedness and hand holding with interlocking fingers. There was a glimmer of hope when she spoke Spanish to the bartender. Take that skill and run with it girl! Live up to your potential!

Michelle gets the next date card and asks Cody to join her. Naturally, since Michelle thinks this is going to fast, her date consists of a photo shoot — both engagement and wedding pictures. It was the oddest thing I’ve ever witnessed, and that includes Michelle walking on the beach in fringe boots. Michelle legitimately felt weird the entire time Cody kissed her neck and talked about these pictures one day hanging in their family living room. We can only assume that Michelle ended up in the ocean wearing her fake wedding gown because she was trying to escape the moment and the rather large tangerine-colored fake fiancée.

The date cards were flowing last night. AshLee gets one and Graham is excited to learn that they are going to race cars around a track. He endeared himself to me when he called AshLee Ricky Bobby. She had no clue what he was talking about. Another mark in the negative column I’m afraid.

Christy is feeling awkward that she has to sit around the tree house with all the couples.

Christy: It’s unbelievably awkward. Everyone is paired up. There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it. That makes me so mad.

Meanwhile, Marcus finally tells Lucy he loves her. It’s about time!

Free Spirit and Jesse return from their date. They gather up a bunch of booze from around here and take it down to the beach. Christy is miserable and the couple wish the drunks would shut up already.

Jesse: I like Christy and What’s Her Nuts. But it is awkward. The girl I just went out on the date yesterday and the day before are right there.
Lincee: I will give you a million bucks if you tell me the name of the redhead.

Christy is humiliated and retreats to her bed to cry. CAN SOMEONE GET MICHELLE PLEASE? She summons the courage to face Jesse directly and somehow ends up making out with him on a couch while Free Spirit spies from above. They end up in bed together. We know this thanks to a night camera hidden in the bedroom.

Stay classy Bachelor in Paradise!

Our Host Chris Harrison shows up looking a wee bit bombed. He reminds everyone that one girl already left heartbroken this week. Suck it Zack. He tells them that their hearts are on the line and they should proceed with caution. And booze from this place. Cheers!

Zack and Jackie form an alliance.

Free Spirit decides that if she and Christy like the same dude, she and Christy shouldn’t be friends anymore. Girl power! She tries to sabotage Christy and Jesse’s relationship. Christy fights her way back and tells Jesse that she is here for him and only him. He is soooo into her. And What’s Her Nuts. Darn! Decisions, decisions. What’s a D-Bag to do?

It’s rose ceremony time. The true couples are totally phoning it in when it comes to wardrobe. Lacy only put on one layer of makeup. She looked fabulous. Graham tried to fancy his outfit up with a bow tie. Marcus and Robert could have come straight from working out. But the rest were nipped, tucked, plucked and ready to go.

Robert gives Sarah his rose. She gives him a peck.
AshLee gives Graham her rose. He hugs her.
Cody gives Michelle his rose. She forces a smile.
Zack gives Jackie his rose. She high fives him.

Marcus gives Lacy his rose. He gives a speech about true love and they kiss for way too long. Harrison gives a nod of approval. The girls and Cody start crying. The boys and What’s Her Nuts roll their eyes.

And Jesse gives his rose to Christy. What’s Her Nuts is going to have to go topless on some other beach. Adios amiga!

During the closing credits, Michelle Money and Cody play that game where you throw tiny bean bags in a hole. The first to 21 has to kiss Marcus’ nipple. I wonder if Michelle got a hair in her mouth?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I’d watch Michelle Money commentate all day long. Harrison needs a sidekick and it needs to be her. Am I right?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee