Well, here we are, just one live show away from finally understanding why this season’s Bachelor is the thing unnecessarily hyped-up dreams are made of and I couldn’t be less interested in the outcome.

I am, however, extremely interested in Babs. 

It’s clear that Mike Fleiss detected from the moment Mrs. Peter Sr. stepped off of Australia Air flight 4532 decked out in a colorful strapless blouse, that she was a force of motherly nature. Most women her age would cower at the thought of wearing a garment one might also find hanging in Hannah Ann’s closet. They imagine a fashion penalty flag. INAPPROPRIATE ATTIRE. TEN YARDS. 

Barb, on the other hand, kicks the penalty flag aside, leading the way for her husband and younger son who have bigger fish to fry. The time has come to choose a daughter-in-law. Everyone must be on their game and if that means a garment without a neckline or sleeves, so be it.

When Peter arrives at the Alice Springs Airbnb, Barbara daintily weeps tears of joy. She hasn’t seen her sweet baby boy in literal weeks and a piece of her has been missing. HER BUD IS BACK IN HER ARMS and that is where he will stay. Now tell your Mama about these evil women who want to take you away from her. 

Peter participates in the family hug and the official Weber handshake before settling down on the couch to provide a pro/con list of both remaining women. 

Peter: “Madison is the one you met at the vow renewal. She was my first date. Hannah Ann was my first impression rose. Madison also wasn’t comfortable with me being intimate with the others girls and when I was honest with her, we said good-bye that night. The good news is that she’s back. And we’ve been on a constant climb since the beginning.”

Pete Sr., Babs, and Jack do their best not to blackball Madison in that exact moment. They use phrases like “it’s a shame” and “this concerns me a lot” and “we’ll try to look past it,” but Peter senses the animosity toward the woman who dare shun him in the bedroom department. He changes the topic by pumping up Hannah Ann, who will be arriving any moment to win the hearts of the Webers. 

Peter: “Hannah Ann is the perfect combination of sheer beauty, innocence, and confidence. She’s the biggest sweetheart you’ll ever meet.”
Babs: “She sounds like you my sweet baby boy!”

In the words of the great philosopher Britney Spears, he’s not…that…innocent. Oh baby, baby. 

HANNAH ANN

Hannah Ann arrives in her most presentable outfit that conveys purity both in its lack of cleavage and respectable hemline below the kneecap. The fact that the dress material was a replica of a pattern worn by Laura Ingalls Wilder in the 1974 pilot of Little House on the Prairie (which happens to be Bab’s favorite sitcom) was a happy coincidence. 

While Peter kisses and rubs his nose on her shoulder, Hannah Ann admits that the best part of this entire experience was getting to know Peter. She loves him to bits and she’s “proud to be a part of him,” which I find is odd phrasing. Babs does not. She’s elated and even sees Hannah Ann and Baby Boy Bud reflected in her own relationship with Pete Sr. It’s like looking in a mirror!

You see, Babs loves her son with all of her heart (I had no idea) and she never, ever, ever wants an evil woman to even think for a moment of changing him. Fortunately, Hannah Ann totally gets it and promises that they will grow each other and make each other better. She then lays it on really, really thick, gushing to Babs that she loves Bud more than anything and is happy with her decision to go all in and be completely present during this process. 

Hannah Ann wins over Peter Sr. with one phrase: “It was love at first sight.” Our mustache-loving pilot totally gets Hannah Ann’s vibe, due to the fact that he fell once really hard for a certain flight attendant named Barbara. Samesies! 

Pete Sr. is eager to slap his son on the back and give him the blessing he knows Bud is waiting for, but jukes when he notices Bud is conflicted. This shocks Pete. Hannah Ann is perfect. What’s the problem?

Madison is the problem. Bud reminds his dad that Hannah Ann and Madison both have his heart and this decision won’t be easy. Pete Sr. hugs his son and tells him that the decision will come. At the time, we all thought that meant that Peter would eventually make a choice and be happy with the outcome. 

We had no idea that “the decision will come” was code for Hurricane Barbara is going to make this a lot easier for you by omitting part of the competition. 

MADISON 

Madison exits the SUV wearing a basic black tank top and distressed jeans. She looks miserable. Sad. Exhausted. At odds with herself. Seconds away from recording a country album. 

Peter is concerned. He leads her to an Australian version of the roaming bench so they can discuss important, life-altering things before sending this woman into the lion’s den. Madison’s lackluster sparkle comes from a place of disappointment. She can’t get over the fact that Peter chose to put his feelings and needs above hers that night in Peru. 

Scooting in closer to the woman he CLEARLY loves, Peter apologizes before mentioning that Madison is the only one who has not told him how she truly feels. Using context clues, I did the math and figured out that by process of elimination, we can deduce that Hannah Ann HAS told him how she feels. #mathlete

He also shares that he didn’t appreciate the ultimatum she gave him but is glad she was honest in her truth. 

Madison holds her own. The decision Peter makes effects him, sure, but it also affects MADISON. She also reminds Peter that it’s really easy to hold back and guard yourself when you are on the receiving end of the game where another person chooses you or not. She’s not confident. She has no peace. And she doesn’t like that feeling. 

Then things go topsy turvy. For some reason, Madison shares that if Peter had dropped to one knee on the big building they climbed forever ago (read three days), and asked her to marry him, she would have said yes. Peter cracks a smile. Madison tells him that by NOT walking away from him, she’s showing him how she’s fighting for this relationship. Peter smiles really big. 

Then she drops the L-Bomb and all is well. Peter is ready to present this emotional wreck of a person to his family unit and pave the way for happily ever after. 

The National Weather Service has issued a tropical storm warning off the coast of Australia. We’ll be watching the radar, as it is expected for the system will increase to a category hurricane during the next commercial break. 

Madison arrives to three sour faces staring back in her direction. This is quite a different welcome from the last time she saw these people sloshed on a crate of celebratory champagne schlepped into the Weber’s backyard by the ABC Intern. Peter rips the Band-Aid and inaugurates the reunion with an easy breezy, “We hit a bit of a road block, thanks to different expectations.”

The Webers ask for some elaboration, so Madison is forced to tell three people about how it would be hard for her to move forward on this journey if this guy next to her (who happens to be related to the three sitting across the room) were to sleep with other women. 

Pete Sr. invites Madi to join him out back so he can dissect this cryptic message. Does she see them as a compatible couple? Madi answers honestly. There are a lot of differences. But they’ve had conversations about how her faith is important. In fact, Peter admitted that he wanted to grow in his faith and she clung to that. Perhaps she clung too soon. Bottom line: She wants Peter to be happy and if it’s meant to be between them, then it will happen. He deserves someone very special. 

Things are a little different in the other room with Bud and Brother Jack. 

Jack: “Bro, can you really not have sex until you’re fully married?”
Lincee: “Bro, what does ‘fully married’ mean?”
Peter: “Yeah. Because I’m choosing to do that.”

Jack: “But bro, she’s like in ministry and stuff. What if you get home from a trip and you’re out line dancing in the club. Is that something she would do?”
Lincee: “I hope not. Line dancing is an unfortunate genre that has swept the nation like plant-based meats or former Bachelor contestant celebrity podcasts. I blame Billy Ray Cyrus.”

Jack: “I just don’t want to see you compromise any level of yourself.”
Peter: “That’s what you do in a relationship. Of course I’m going to compromise.”

Jack: “I just see a perfect girl on one side without any issues. Then there’s Madison who raises a lot of red flags.”
Lincee: “You just want to stand by Hannah Ann in the Weber Family Christmas card this year. Calm down, Jack.”

The National Weather Service has issued a disturbance off the coast of Australia. The tropical storm has been raised to a Category I hurricane. Proceed with caution.

Madison sits on the couch as Babs drones on an on about how much she loves her son more than anything in the world. FYI: Peter is not religious. How is Madison even considering a relationship with someone who is not on her same level of faith? Moreover, his lifestyle is different. He socializes. He parties. He has sex. And she doesn’t want anyone to change her sweet, baby Bud. He is who he is and they are happy with Peter Weber. 

Mic drop. 

But wait! Madison retrieves the mic from it’s dropped position and defends herself!

“His decision to get physical with someone else was up to him. I let him know my expectations because it’s my journey too. I didn’t tell him what to do. All I said was that it would be hard for me to continue down this path. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if this is worth fighting for? What we want. What we need What we expect.”

And that’s the moment Madison decided to tap out of this race. She admitted to herself that they are on different pages. She must be wise in this decision.

Because “til death do us part” includes the mother-in-law. 

The anticipointment is killing Barb, because when her baby boy walks in from telling Madison good-bye, she breaks down and weeps into her son’s arms. Let the record show that Peter did not looked thrilled by this turn of events. Why the tears? Here’s a smattering of what we learn through Bab’s snotty tears:

• Madison is not there for Peter.
• Babs said a prayer last night for the Lord to guide Peter. 
• Peter has a gem waiting for him named Hannah Ann.
• She is head-over-heels in love.
• God put Hannah Ann in his life as a mother’s answered prayer. 
• Deep in his heart, he knows she’s right because there are too many “issues.”
• Madison is sweet and lovely, but Hannah Ann is an angel on earth.
• A mother’s intuition is never wrong.  

Pete Sr. steps in to provide some balance. He asks his son, “Where are you at?”

My Mama would say, “between the A and the T” and ask me to rephrase the question. 

Peter bursts out that he is crazy for Madison. Jack wonders why he’s willing to risk something perfect for something that he hopes will materialize? Pete Sr. likens this to Bud being in love with Hannah Brown last year. Babs jumps on this bandwagon. Remember how Hannah Brown picked the wrong guy? Don’t risk missing out on the perfect girl! Why is Hannah Ann not the immediate choice? 

Peter begins to seethe. “You don’t know the Madi I know. You have to trust me as much as I trust you.”

The National Weather Service has issued a hurricane warning off the coast of Australia. CATEGORY 5! TAKE COVER!

Babs starts crying big time. We witness the now infamous, “Don’t let her go. Bring her home to us.” speech that has produced countless memes for our enjoyment. The guilt is slathered on thick with the following:

• We will welcome her with all the love in the world.
• She is a dream come true.
• God placed her here for you.
• This is what love stories are made of.

And then Pete blows a gasket. 

“YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS. YOU DON’T KNOW HER. THIS IS DESTROYING ME. THIS IS INSANE BEHAVIOR. YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.”

Babs, who has never heard one of her boys raise his voice above the gentle hum of a whispering wind is taken aback. She pulls him into her bosom and utters how much she loves him over and over and over again. 

MADISON ONE-ON-ONE

I’m going to make this date quick, because flying around the big red rock in a helicopter was uneventful, except for the part where Madi confesses via voiceover that it’s time to surrender. 

Brutal. 

She begins her breakup speech by telling Peter that when you want something so badly, you can’t see clearly. Unfortunately, she doesn’t believe they can give each other what they need. Yes, she’s a warrior and a fighter, but being a good fighter is knowing when to surrender. Because love will always conquer all, she’s willing to walk away so Peter can get what he came to find.

Spoiler: That’s Madison. So technically, if she leaves, he’ll get what his mother wants him to find. 

Peter is confused because he thought Madison said she would marry him on top of the big tower. How has that changed? 

It’s called time and perspective, Bud. 

Peter wants to know if this is because of “that night.” The answer is “sort of.” She doesn’t want him to feel that he has to change for her and she definitely doesn’t think she should have to change for him. Even though she wants this to happen, she has to be realistic and consider what is smart and wise. She doesn’t believe they are the best for each other. 

Peter mumbles, “Alright” and then they stare at each other and silently wipe tears and wayward flies out of their faces while ominous music plays. If ABC could have landed the rights, I’m confident it would have been anything from Adele’s 25 album. 

Somewhere across town, a mother toasts the good news with her younger son and husband. The flutes were not filled with sparkling apple juice. 

HANNAH ANN ONE-ON-ONE

Peter tells us that he’s in love with Hannah Ann, but anyone watching this show feels sorry for the twenty-three-year-old model because there’s no way she won’t see this footage and think, “Yeah, he’s just not that into me.”

Perhaps she can date Jack?

Sidebar: In his state mandated mentor time with Harrison, I noticed that Pete’s linen shirt was awfully wrinkled. Our Host’s was not. Thank you ABC Intern for slapping an iron on that material so Hare can continue to look good even when he’s rocking some salt-n-pepper scruff. 

Moving on. 

Peter and Hannah Ann pet baby orphaned kangaroos all day long and then sit on the ground to talk about how much Hannah Ann loves him in case he didn’t already know. Peter thanks her for always being there and never wavering. Hannah Ann smiles, but she detects that something is off. 

Way to hone in on that intuition, Hannah Ann! 

She needs to take advantage of the time she has left. Home girl can feel that she’s in second place and runner-up just will not do. She slips into her tightest spandex dress with the cold small intestine and invites Peter to picture their future together. 

Then she tells him that she wants Peter to choose her only if he truly loves her.

Interesting. Is this filming reversed? Or is Peter keeping Madison’s exit a secret because he does not yet know if he’s going to choose Hannah Ann at the end of this ordeal?

We see Hannah Ann in what is presumably a white proposal dress. We see Peter in his proposal suite as Our Host breaks the “we just learned this” news. We also see new footage of Hare asking MADISON if she thinks she made a mistake? 

And then OHCH reminds the audience that even Peter doesn’t know how this is going to end.

Perhaps Peter decides to propose to Hannah Ann. Right before he does it, Harrison comes up to him and discloses that they just learned (five hours ago) that Madison has changed her mind. Peter calls off the proposal and tells Hannah Ann in the hallway that he is so so sorry. He then agrees to date Madison for a while to test their compatibility. 

The live show will tell if Madison is ready to be exclusive or cut all ties, because that would truly be the most dramatic ending ever. Especially if she peaces out.

We’ll learn tonight!