Eight women are left at the beginning of this episode. They will journey to New Zealand this week, where waterfalls, sheep poop and giant inflatable rubber balls will decide their fate.

Grab your infinity scarves (you too Juan Pablo) because this is the perfect place to fall in love.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ABC pulls out all the stops and, according to Chelsie, scores the most exclusive resort in the entire world. Everyone oooooooo’s and aaaaahhhhhh’s at the infinity pool and general splendor of their surroundings. Kat laments that she’s just now reaching a slow boil in regard to Juan Pablo. Cassandra ditches the “Pablo” and wishes that she and Juan could spend some alone time together. Clare pouts at the figurative dark cloud following her around, especially after announcing with zero enthusiasm that DAndi had landed the first one-on-one date.

Cassandra is jealous and signs the clipboard outside Renee’s bedroom for some RA coffee time. They talk about being single mothers, share stories about dates gone wrong and cry tears of empathy over a love for their children and the longing for a man of their own.

Cass: “I think I’m scared. I want someone equally invested in me and my son.”
Renee: “I think Juan Pablo can offer you that. He knows.”

They cry some more and embrace in a loving hug. Cassandra’s spirits have lifted now that she’s processed the moment with a trusted adult. Her conclusion? She is going to embrace her connection with Juan. My two cents? Embrace the connection with Renee. That chick is AWESOME!

DATE CARD
Let’s Heat Things UP

DAndi refuses to fly the freak flag the ABC Intern insists on sneaking into her bag. She behaves, thinks and even dresses normally, in an adorable plaid shirt with sensible white pants and a pair of Kate Middleton-worthy riding boots. Naturally, Juan Pablo puts her in a boat with the advertisement “river jet” sprawled across the starboard side. They speed down the winding rivers of New Zealand, DAndi’s hair whipping in her face and landing in Juan Pablo’s open “WOO HOO” mouth. Does our level headed bachelorette not have a hair tie around her wrist? Regardless, they both seem to have a great time until the driver stops by sketchy tower of trees and caves. Then it begins to rain.

Juan Pablo: “Hop out. We’re going in there.”

DAndi, soaking from both the speed boat mist and rain, simply undresses to reveal a tasteful one-piece bathing suit. I’d be willing to guess she had the water socks in her pocket.

Team DAndi for the win!

Juan Pablo lowers her into the water, takes her hand and begins winding through tree trunks that lead to rock formations so close, he had to turn sideways to squeeze through the opening. DAndi isn’t complaining, but since she’s shorter than he is, he insists she hops on his back.

Points for Juan Pablo.

He helps her up ridges, over rocks, down ravines, encouraging her every step of the way. I’m extremely impressed with every curve of his back muscles and arms.

More points for Juan Pablo.

The rocks become narrower and narrower as they make their way through the freezing water, which leads to a secluded jungle cave. I think, “This is great place to be murdered,” but WE TRUST JUAN PABLO, so surely nothing’s going to happen.

DAndi: “Then the water started getting warmer…”
Lincee: “Good Lord, did he pee on her?”

Juan Pablo leads DAndi to a gorgeous, hot springs pool with equally beautiful waterfall. There are no words, just making out. Even though we saw the top of DAndi’s water socks and the top of Juan Pablo’s bare butt, it was an extremely romantic moment and probably one of the cooler dates this show has ever delivered.

Later, they plan on having dinner by a mystical geyser. My hope was that Juan Pablo and DAndi would have an actual conversation about something other than those “confirmation” grunts and groans Juan Pablo gives while kissing girls he likes. Instead, the geyser decides to blow hot, sticky water all over their dinner spot and the pair are forced to relocate.

Juan Pablo: “It’s nature. There’s nothing we can do. Let’s go over here and talk.”

I felt relieved, knowing that a healthy dialog was about to commence.

DAndi: “I don’t need a lot in my life. I just want great love.”
Juan Pablo: “I’m glad you’re here.

DAdndi: “What do you want?”
Juan Pablo: “Love. Kids. That’s why I’m here.”

DAndi: “I can’t wait to have a family.”
Juan Pablo: “You will.”

He zips down his coat to reveal the date rose. I may have pointed and clapped. She whispers for him to give her a kiss in Spanish and HE LOVES IT.

DAndi: “Our chemistry is pulsing. Just like the geyser.”
Lincee: “After that line, my dinner is pulsing up my esophagus. MAINTAIN CONTROL DANDI!”

GROUP DATE
Let Love Roll
Opera
Chelsie
Renee
Nurse Nikki
Kat
Cassandra

It was all Clare could do not to jump up, point to the remaining women and scream, “IN YOUR FACE HATERS!” She’s super excited that the final one-on-one date is hers and she can beat the bachelor down with question after question after question to see if their tryst in the ocean was a deal breaker.

Cassandra is a little bummed because she wanted to spend some time with Juan (Pablo be gone!) because it’s her 22nd birthday. Renee runs to the kitchen to make some cookies for the bus ride to the date location. Half our gluen-free because, you never know.

The girls find Juan Pablo on a beautiful New Zealand hillside where a picnic awaits them. The booze is protected with sturdy coffee mugs. Chelsie pulls Juan Pablo aside and uses her alone time to make grass blade whistles. Bless her heart. He draws the line at friendship bracelets and takes the group over the ridge where two huge inflatable balls have just been shoved down the hill. They bounce around, slamming into barriers, eluding sheep and generally annoying a nearby herd of cattle.

Because this is The Bachelor, the inside of these balls are filled with water and the girls must strip down to string bikinis in order to participate in the festivities. And the only graceful way to experience the ball (gross) is to slip through a hole head first (vomit) and try not to land in the crotch of the waiting bachelor (awkward) or lose your bikini top (it happens.) LET’S ROLL!

Most of the girls love it. Juan Pablo takes a turn with each lady. Chelsie screams and laughs the entire time. Renee holds on for dear life, wondering again why she got that tramp stamp tattoo in 2004 after the Usher concert. Nurse Nikki makes out with Juan Pablo inside the ball…twice. And Opera has no idea what she’s doing and would rather be hanging with the shepherd learning about the history of the location instead.

Everyone dries off and generously applies ointment to cuts and brushes light fountain to the bruises collected from the ball escapade. Juan Pablo leads the crows to a tiny little cottage nestled in the side of a hill.

“That looks like Frodo’s house,” I casually commented as I fought the urge to scream, “THAT’S SO COOOOOOOOOOL!”

Opera: “When I saw the house from Lord of the Rings, my inner geek freaked out.”

Oh dear. Could it be that Opera and I share an undeniable nerd love for manly protagonists, an elf with better hair than me and an appreciation of how a precious little gold ring can make any outfit pop?

I began daydreaming about the movie and thinking to myself that if the producers had a season featuring Aragorn, I’d sign up in a heartbeat after having my ears surgically pointed.

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo escorts Renee to a tiny hobbit-sized bench outside Frodo’s cottage. He carries a hobbit-sized lantern and bundles her up in a hobbit-sized blanket. Juan Pablo brushes her hair behind her ear and they make out.

That’s how we roll in the shire.

They talk about their kids, and how their spontaneous kiss last week took them to the next level. Renee thinks they have amazing chemistry and can’t wait to see where this goes.

Did you know that it is Cassandra’s 22nd birthday?

Next up is Nurse Nikki. It’s too cold for the tank top/dress option, so she decides that a sequin skirt and black leather jacket are the perfect combo for Mordor. Juan Pablo escorts her to a tiny hobbit-sized bench outside Frodo’s cottage. He carries a hobbit-sized lantern and bundles her up in a hobbit-sized blanket. Juan Pablo brushes her hair behind her ear and they make out.

Opera assumes the position on the hobbit-sized bench under the hobbit-sized blanket and opens her mouth to tell Juan Pablo that even though she has high hopes that Gandalf will be coming around the mountain any moment, she’s just not feeling him. This open mouth business confused our bachelor because instead of listening for words to come out, he took it as an invitation for his tongue to come party with her tonsils.

Opera: “Wow. You cut right to the chase don’t you?”
Juan Pablo: “You want me to chase you? How would we kiss? Let me fix your hair.”

Sharleen asks HIM what HE thinks SHE is feeling and I again felt that this exchange was incredibly odd. She complained about how this process was inorganic. Juan Pablo chose not to interrupt her again to question what “inorganic” meant, and instead fixed her hair and kissed her again. Because of her anxiety and constant need to question the system, Juan Pablo gives her the date rose.

This just in: Cassandra is 22 today. She’s also sent home because Juan Pablo doesn’t have a connection with her and he doesn’t want her to have to wait for the rose ceremony to go back to her son. He talks to her as if she’s Camila. Considering there’s only a few years difference between the two, it makes sense. He promises that everything will be okay before he fixes her hair one last time. Cassandra holds it together, and doesn’t even comment on his Members Only jacket. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Clare

At first, I assume that Juan Pablo and Clare are posing for a Ralph Lauren ad. They are wearing complementary outfits that scream Spring 2014 collection. That wasn’t the case. They hash out the details of their scandalous ocean adventure as Clare insists that he tell her exactly what she did wrong.

JP: “Everyone with a kid would know not to do this. If I said no to you, you would have been devastated. It was my mistake not to tell you.”

Clare: “What are our boundaries?”
JP: “Never kiss in front of Camila. Always let me fix your hair. And always look me in the eyes because I don’t like it when you don’t.”

Clare: “I’m so glad that Juan Pablo apologized.”

At dinner, Juan Pablo asks Clare if her heart is melting. She explains that if they hadn’t had their talk earlier at the photo shoot, she would have probably bolted.

JP: “Huh? What does that means? Bolted?”
Clare: “Never mind. PS: I like cozy dinners like this instead of fancy ones with china, wine glasses and iTunes Artist of Day serenading us.”

Juan Pablo insists Clare gets comfortable so he gives her a pair of MC Hammer pants he found in the closet. He thinks Clare is too legit to quit so he gives her the rose for being so hot. He tells her that he’s glad she didn’t bolt and I applaud him for embracing the slang so quickly! Can’t touch this!

ROSE CEREMONY

Our Host Chris Harrison clocks in about two minutes worth of mentoring before giving Juan Pablo a few moments to look over the remaining pictures of the seven ladies’ pictures on the Pier One bureau.

He grabs Nurse Nikki at the cocktail party. She’s wearing a ridiculously short, red dress with black panty hose. I literally shutter when I see them, wondering if the control top is digging into her mid section when she sits down. They have another one of their insightful conversations:

NN: “You look nice. I give you a 10.”
JP: “I have on pink underwear.”

NN: “I like pink.”
JP: “I like you.”

NN: “Why?”
JP: “I just do.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

Nurse Nikki tells Juan Pablo exactly what she wants, which, in a nutshell, is a hot Latin man with a daughter. Juan Pablo loves that she is so honest with him.

Renee is honest too. She is concerned that the only other single mom went home, but Juan Pablo assures her that she has nothing to worry about. This week at least. I heart Renee, but I imagine she will leave this experience with a broken heart.

Chelsie pleads her case, and begs for more one-on-one time, while Kat talks about how she wrote all her feelings down in her journal which led to an honest moment about her dad. She is convinced that she will get a rose before Chelsie, which slams the proverbial nail in her coffin at that moment.

Along with DAndi, Sharleen and Clare, roses go to Nikki, Renee and Chelsie.

Kat leaves as gracefully as she can and Sharleen melts down, promising to give Juan Pablo one more week to win her over before she decides to go home.

The real drama was Renee’s outfit.

Yes. It’s a silk romper with panty hose. Lord help her. PS: Love the jacket.

Thanks for hanging in there with me today. This weekend I was honored to celebrate the marriage of a dear friend (HI MRS. ENGLE) near Austin, Texas. As an added bonus, I was able to spend some quality time with another friend and fellow blogger Some Guy in Austin.

To quote him, “Here’s a great picture of our Dr Peppers with us in the background.”

Gotta love the death grip on those 23 glorious flavors. CAN I GET AN AMEN BROTHER?!?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee