This Bachelor recap is brought to you by United Airlines. Two time zones and three states later, I am forced to post this using an ethernet cable in a Comfort Inn near Nowhere, Wyoming. It’s a miracle we’ve reached “published” status. Hooray for sleep deprivation!

I do apologize for my tardiness. It’s been an interesting 24 hours. And although I can’t make it up to all of you, I would like to invite my Houston readers to a free movie this Thursday, February 12. Warner Bros. was nice enough to give me screening passes to Will Smith’s movie FOCUS. Plus, there’s a cocktail party before the event! I may not be handing out roses, but I would love to meet you if you’re interested. Make sure to email me and let me know if you are able to secure a ticket! Warning: It’s Rated-R, so take that into consideration.

Here’s the link: http://www.gofobo.com/yLleV60461

And now, ON WITH THE RECAP!

I think we need to approach The Bachelor in a different way. Some of us use this time as an excuse to gather a group of girls together so we can take a nice long sip of our beverage of choice each and every time a contestant uses the words “amazing,” “connection,” or the phrase “right reasons.” Others watch because they are hopeless romantics, and a tiny part of them wishes that the guy actually does get the girl in the end. A handful tune in to soak up amazing words of wisdom from Our Host Chris Harrison. These people fast forward a lot and keep their televisions on mute.

What I love about this season, is that The Farmer, the producers and Jimmy Kimmel have made a choice to own the unrealistic premise of the show. In fact, everyone seems to enjoy stirring the pot of crazy and asking others to lick the spoon. This paradigm shift forces us to suspend all ladylike tendencies. If we’re going to keep riding this particular struggle bus, we have to make a few adjustments.

It’s time to look at this anthropologically. Grab an oxygen mask, and make sure to put yours on before you help the annoying person sprawled on the ground near the bathroom. Let’s analyze our current contestants to see how the go about landing a man or finding a wife.

Learn to create drama out of thin air.
A Lesson From Kelsey
Having trouble landing your man? Is the widow story just a bit too concerning to guarantee the final rose? Never fear! All you need to do is whip up a quick panic attack and you’ll be top of mind in no time!

First, find a location that is equally communal, yet far enough away from the other suitors that they won’t be able to witness the prep work. Witnesses ruin everything. Choosing a place just outside of the bathroom is ideal, due to the foot traffic, plus it’s more hygienic than the actual toilet area. This is important, because you will need to gracefully lay down on the ground and immediately moan loud enough for the concierge to hear you. When no one is looking, lick your palms. Clammy hands worked for Ferris and they can work for you too.

Someone with a medical background will inevitably come to your aid. Keep up the moaning and crying, but NEVER admit that anything hurts. If you do, ambulances will be summoned and no one has time for that. Each second counts in this scenario. The Informer of the group will be sent to spy and report back to the others, so you have to sell this performance big time. Try laughing through your oxygen mask and admitting out loud that this ruse will certainly secure a rose. Everything you do and say may be Academy Award worthy, but The Informer will only report lies. It’s annoying, but what do you expect when you’re working with amateurs?

After 10 minutes, begin calming down. This is the perfect opportunity to talk about brownies before asking the ABC Intern to go fetch The Farmer. He will be soooooooo worried about you. Milk that until the cows come home before returning to the fold.

BEWARE: the other girls will shoot you mean, hateful looks, but they are just jealous of your ability to recover from panic attacks with such aplomb. Also, they have no idea what aplomb means, so you should educate them when the time is right. #MASTERED.

B!tches be crazy.
A Lesson From Kaitlyn
See title.

Hyperthermia is hot.
A Lesson From Jade
Though animal skin throws are readily available to snuggle under in the lobby of the Santa Fe hotel, it is bad form to wrap it around your body at the rose ceremony, even if you do have a condition. You need to put on your big girl panties and suck it up when forced to stand outside in a dress that was made for Barbie. If you start shaking uncontrollably, pass it off as the release of sexual adrenaline. Once he notices you physically shivering at the mere sight of him, he’ll be yours.

BEWARE: Don’t shiver in front of Our Host Chris Harrison, because this will confuse The Bachelor. Harrison is Alpha Male and will have The Farmer submitting in the amount of time it takes him to clink a champagne glass.

Know where to fall in love.
A Lesson From The Farmer
Who needs fancy beaches, international travel and animated maps with a plane connecting dots from LA to a fabulous European destination when you have South Dakota? The life of a farmer is a full-time business, so chances are, if you can’t fall in love after taking a weekend road trip the next state over, this isn’t going to work out. That corn can’t pick itself, you know. With that said, this rectangular state offers old timey sepia photos of me dressed up like a cowboy, Mount Rushmore and old timey sepia photos of me naked in a bath tub. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. South Dakota is the perfect place to fall in love, or get shot in the back. Giddy up!

Normal is the new black.
A Lesson From Becca
Don’t kiss on the first date. Make him laugh. Discuss the future. Shoot straight. Its okay to feel weird that your Dad is going to see you kiss this dude on national television. And when that first kiss is HORRIBLE, make sure to immediately go in for a do-over. Remember—it’s better to be the Other Virgin, than The Virgin. Finally, don’t be scared to get on a horse and ride through really romantic settings with beautiful views.

Make it a point to call someone out on their BS.
A Lesson From Carly
Even when a person isn’t emotionally ready to be called out on their BS, it’s important to find a few other girls to poke the beehive anyway. Especially when she plays the victim like a piano.

Being blessed with eloquence is also a curse.
Another Lesson From Kelsey
Not everyone in this world has overcome significant emotional hurdles. When these individuals approach you, and they will, arguing that you said inappropriate things about garnering roses while high on oxygen, there are countless ways to contradict their accusations. Feel free to use any of the following:

1. I understand why you feel that way, but I didn’t have enough space to process what was going on.
2. Laughter is the best medicine. So is squeezing off a few rounds at the gun range.
3. I was confused. Did you know my husband died?
4. I have never had a panic attack in my entire life. (No one has to know that you technically still haven’t had one.)
5. It’s lonely at the top. But your diction is sharper and your vocabulary is extensive.
6. If I made a fool of myself, it’s only because I’m so bored with being this smart.

It’s best to go ahead and flaunt the PDA.
A Lesson From Britt
When you permanently hang out at the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity, guys are drawn to you. You can try to rough up your beautiful edges by not showering and wearing only Converse tennis shoes, but somehow, this makes you hotter to everyone. At this point, you just have to own it. Get up in his face so you can breathe the air he is breathing. Fling your hair, bat your eyelashes and press your boobs up against his chest. There’s absolutely nothing you can do if he starts making out with you in front of the other girls.

BEWARE: Make sure to tell him often that you feel bad that you just let him get to second base in front of the others, but say it in a flirtatious voice, one octave above your normal voice, so the others can’t help but be jealous. It’s important for them to work that bitterness out of their system.

Simplify your life.
A Lesson From Pappy the Banjo Picker
Who needs a mouthful of teeth and a clean pair of overalls when you can play the banjo alongside a group of hotties and their tone deaf accountant?

Ask yourself: “Is she hot?”
Another Lesson From The Farmer
People say that experiencing tone-deafness is tolerable with large amounts of alcohol. Make sure the beer is flowing freely when you ask girls to write an original love song about you, and then make them perform said song in front of Big and/or Rich. Here are some notes I took, should this opportunity ever arise in your dating life:

KAITLYN: Working “beaver” into the lyrics will earn always earn you extra points, but if you’re going to steal Miley Cyrus’ face, you might as well stick your tongue out and twerk the entire time to make me believe you’re committing to the moment.

MEGAN: A fetching head dress can be memorable, but only if you are in an old timey Egyptian town. The wild, wild west folk are still making fun of you, except for Big or Rich. The scruffier one wants to borrow it for tonight’s show.

WHITNEY: If you’re easy to forget, don’t let your baby voice be the indicator that makes me remember who you are.

CARLY: Well done for playing to your strengths, Carly, but it was uber uncomfortable for me to stare into your eyes as your poured your heart out to me. You’re like my baby sister and that was just awkward. I know Love Guru Tziporah would have wanted me to breathe through all three stanzas in order to reach my pinnacle, but watching Jade get nervous on the sidelines was much more entertaining.

JADE: You’re hot. But Britt is hotter.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, “Who would I rather run down the street with to a Big and Rich concert while the other girls sit around for an hour and wait for us to come back?” Does it matter that Britt has no clue about country music? Absolutely not! Because she goes with the flow and pretends to like it anyway! Is she willing to make me look hella cool by kissing me with major tongue beside the Big or Rich one the hat and an audience full of jealous Dakotans? You bet!

BEWARE: When you walk hand-and-hand with the girl with whom you’ve just bestowed a rose, and the other girls have had roughly 90 minutes to range from wonder, to angry, to livid, to silent with scary fake smiles, tell them that you did this because it’s more appropriate to take the hot one to a concert alone, verses an awkward group. Whatever you do, do NOT make eye contact with the ones who are crying. Simply get up, bid them adieu and let Britt figure out how to handle this unfortunate situation on her own. She’s hot. She’s done this a million times.

Talking about another girl behind their back is okay, as long as it’s true.
A Lesson From Ashley I-Lashes
Just because you know everything about the Badlands and the Presidents on a mountain, doesn’t mean you are smarter than everyone else in the helicopter. Clearly you are hell bent on driving others crazy and I can’t even. Please read that last part as a complete sentence, and make sure to jerk your neck from side-to-side when you say it.

Here’s the deal—when you look like I do, wear workout gear the way I do and present your magical belly button charm like I do, you’re going to make out on a random hill in the Badlands. It’s important to let your suitor know that if he’s forced to choose one over the other, everyone knows that Virgin trumps Black Widow. It’s just icing on the cake if he asks you the 4-1-1 on the other girls. Let him know who everyone dislikes. Use phrases like “doesn’t gel well with others” and “we hate her.” In order to avoid confusion, make sure to call her by her name. Don’t use codes or generic language. Spell it out for him. K-E-L-S-E-Y. He will reward you with a passionate kiss and a rose for the road. I can’t even.

If you throw me under the bus, I will cut you.
Another Lesson From Kelsey
Pairing logic with love is what I do for a living. Therefore, it’s important to explain to a potential suitor that anyone who has been a wife before is the obvious choice for a future soul mate. When that ah-ha moment is thwarted by a Kardashian-wannabe with a scalp braid and feather duster eyelashes, all bets are off. She may have wanted to be a princess when she was little, but I dreamt of joining an all-girl gang. Two words: ninja stars. She will rue the day if our paths ever cross. I will wear her down with my vicious rhetoric before punching her in the gut.

Always have an exit strategy.
Another Lesson From The Farmer
Let’s just say that Hot Jasmine sticks her tongue down your throat and then tattles on the one girl at the beginning of this journey you would have put in the “keepers” column, but turned out to be one of the “hard pass” variety. It’s totally fine to tell the crazy one that the dramatic one thinks she’s coo-coo. Harrison said THERE ARE NO RULES. Plus, it doesn’t technically matter who said what because both are going home.

As you sit with the dramatic one, try not to make a bet with yourself, wondering if her eyelashes are going to fall off. That’s rude. Pretend to listen, hug her when she begins choking on her own sobs and then let her stalk away. Make sure to blame the lack of compatibility on her immaturity.

BEWARE: You’ll have to get up when she chastises you for not following her. This is the ideal time to cash out your final wish: a solo trip out of the Badlands, please. She will fall apart right there on the dusty hill, but don’t look back. That’s what Psychotherapists are for. You have more awkward fish to fry.

As you sit with the unstable one, try not to laugh when she turns on the waterworks as the words “I sent Ashley I-Lashes home, but she’s still on the other side of that dune, so try to be chill, okay?” Nut Job will assume that this means she gets the date rose due to process of elimination. Untrue. Hold her face, make eye contact with your body guard, refrain from eating or drinking ANYTHING in the tent and tell her she’s not the one. Slow trot to your hovering helicopter and get the heck out of there. Leave everything behind, including the two women to fight to the death in the Thunderdome.

We are immeasurably blessed.
Another Lesson From Kaitlyn
KELSEY IS GONE! LET’S GET DRUNK!

What did you think about Kelsey and Ash’s double elimination? Are you stoked that we get an extra episode on Sunday? Have you ridden the struggle bus like me all day long? Do you feel immeasurably blessed? Sound off in the comments section, and make sure to vote for your favorite line from the recap!

And remember to let me know if you’re going to come to the screening on Thursday!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee