Ashley wasn’t the only one who took a beating last night, am I right? Among the cobbled together flash mob, anticlimactic Great Reveal, excruciating Bachelorette roast, charm-a-la-douche and the magical appearance of an indiscriminate pair of flannel pajama bottoms, I think ABC should apologize to the viewing audience for subjecting us to such blatant disregard of Ashley’s raw emotional state while wasting our valuable time with b-roll packages of an arrogant Stepford Bachelor.

We demand you make it up to us by bringing back your previously cancelled hit show Alias. Or reruns of the hit show Alias. Or a show that dominantly features Michael Vaughn and Will Tippin. Or just Will Tippin.

Oh Will. I know you’re in the witness protection program, and I’m okay with that. But let’s not be sad and instead, look forward to our next meeting. Consider it my own personal dot, dot, dot, to you.

Wow. One paragraph in and I’m already on a tangent. It’s going to be a brutal recap ladies and gentlemen. Let’s go ahead and get it over with so we can return to our real job of writing newsletters for oil companies, churning out a few technical papers and Googling Bradley Cooper speaking fluent French or whatever it is that you do. Join me won’t you?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Right from the get-go something is up at casa de Bachelor. Who knew Chris Harrison had a conscientious twin brother who moonlights for Our Host when he’s not crunching numbers Ernst & Young? It’s truly uncanny how identical these brothers are, because I know The Hare would never be caught dead let alone national television wearing a zip up cardigan from the Mr. Rogers JC Penney collection. One can only assume Harrison was sleeping off the massive hangover partying at the MTV Movie Awards post-show celebration sponsored by Smirnoff Vodka.

OHCH’s brother Kevin Harrison thanks everyone on behalf of the ABC wardrobe department for wearing a t-shirt that was either blue or grey before revealing to our contestants that there will be two on-on-one dates and one group date. He fishes the date card from his Dockers back pocket, leaves it on the table and retreats home to the wife and kids.

In his “real men wear pink” t-shirt, Ryan P. reads the date card aloud, announcing that “loves strikes in a flash” as the rest of us search the sea of Grobans and ubiquitous white guys with good teeth to figure out who in the world this Ben C. character is, confident that it must be the mute from Texas.

One-On-One Date One
Ben C.
“Loves Strikes In A Flash”

Ashley arrives in a stunning outfit from 1983 featuring a hot pink off-the-shoulder number and tight white pants. She greets Ben C, who happens to NOT be the dude from Texas, and notifies him that she remembers he was super jealous that he wasn’t invited to the America’s Favorite Dance Crew date from last week and she would be taking him dancing this week.

Do not squeeze the bunny Tenley. DO NOT SQUEEZE THE BUNNY!

The ABC Intern fetches a few Los Angeles phone books so Ashley can see over the steering wheel and they’re off to a dance studio! She walks him through several eight counts of riveting bottle choreography. You know.

Ashley: “Ah, five, six, seven, eight…Pop the bottle…three, four…Pour the bottle…seven, eight. And gyrate. And gyrate. Hip, hip, THRUST.”
Ben C.: “Any chance we can work the running man into this routine?”

I find it odd that after an hour, it never occurred to Ben C. to ponder on the enigma of why Ashley would be teaching him random bottle choreography for no apparent reason. Alas, Ben C. is in love and has decided to give this relationship 100-percent. If Ashley loves it, by golly he will love it too.

We later find out from Ashley that she has more in store for Ben C.

Ashley: “OMG. I am blown away by the way Ben is opening and pouring the bottle. He is so determined to learn this dance. But guess what? This isn’t just any dance. I’ve choreographed for a few folks in the quad outside ABC headquarters who signed a release saying we could use their images in a real live flash mob! He’s going to love it! It’s going to be soooo per-fact.”

Let’s pause here for a moment. I’m no flash mob expert, but I do grasp the phenomenon enough to know that those participating to the point where they are learning the dance steps generally come to the conclusion that they will be contributors of said flash mob.

With that said, in the next scene Ashley has laid out a picnic blanket on what appears to be the forbidden “DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS” section of the quad. It is evident that Ben C. is already feeling awkward as “random” bystanders stare at him from the correct side of the barricade as if he a lazy lion at their local zoo exhibit. To make matters worse, Ashley suggests they spontaneously just start doing the dance in the middle of the prohibited grassy knoll.

Ben C. swallows the lump in his throat, wipes the beaded perspiration from his brow and musters some counterfeit enthusiasm, embracing the fact that total embarrassment is how you earn points in this game we call the Bachelor. Even Ashley hops along with minor gusto until “Like a G6” bursts forth from speakers that are strategically placed in bushes which accent the lush, never-before-touched-by-human-feet lawn.

Ashley plasters on her best shocked face as 100 “random” bystanders charge onto the field with reckless abandon.

Question: Why didn’t Ashley just say, “Hey Ben C. Not From Texas — I’m going to teach you a routine that we will perform together as a flash mob. So fun! It’s about bottles and stuff!”

And why did she have to look shocked when the music came on as if she didn’t know it was going to come on? Furthermore, why couldn’t the surprise be that the music came on and THEN they started dancing?

To pay him back for being such a good sport, a curtain falls on a nearby stage (that’s twice this season already, yet nary a hot tub scene…WHAT’S THE DEAL ABC?) and “Like a G6” is being played live!

Ben C.: “So cool! I never thought this would happen in a million years! Now THIS is worth everything I just went through. Do we get to meet Fergie? I see the Asian dude. Where’s Will.i.Am?”

After explaining that “Like a G6” is actually the hit from renowned recording artists Far East Movement, the “random” bystanders become restless and annoyed that “I Gotta Feeling” is nowhere in the upcoming setlist, so they begin chanting with their pitchforks and fire, “KISS, KISS, KISS.” Ben C. obligingly leans forward and Ashley, who has been known to stick her tongue down many a throat on this amazing three-week journey, gives him a peck.

Ashley takes Ben C. to the Hilton for some dinner where she asks him what he’s looking for in a relationship. Ben C. takes a deep breath and responds:

“I used to fantasize when I was a kid about love and realized that I have a very idealistic view on marriage and I want to live in a bubble where I only have eyes for her and she only has eyes for me and we blow the roof off of that love because why not the sky’s the limit and we are meant for each other or MFEO as they say in Sleepless in Seattle and why settle for anything else than bubble love which sort of sounds like bottle love which I know for a fact you get and right now all I can think about is our second date and how I want to text you and I wonder if I should put an emoticon?”

Ashley kisses him so he’ll stop talking and gives him a rose.

And that was just the first date. Lord help us all.

Note to Ben C.: refrain from the emoticon usage. You’re welcome.

Group Date
“Make Me Laugh”
Ames
Groban
Blake the Dentist
Oh Mickey
Phantom
Lucas
Nick
Ryan P.
William
Bentley

For two weeks, we’ve been challenged to come up with names for our masked friend. Zorro, Batman, The Hamburglar and my personal favorite…the Dread Pirate Roberts. ABC was really pushing the Phantom theme last night and insisted the Lone Ranger stand on balconies overlooking the freshly washed driveway. Chilling pipe organ music always accompanied him. It’s good to know they were able to recycle the sound bite from last season’s trip to the crematorium with Shawntel, but that’s neither here nor there. He confesses to the camera that today…the mask will come off. FINALLY! I’ve been dying to see what the bridge of his nose looks like. In a dramatic moment of anticipation, the crack pot crew decides to share footage of a falcon and a squirrel eating a cracker. Either I’m an idiot and don’t get the symbolism or someone in the editing department has been smoking a few doobies in his spare time. Regardless, the mask is flung off and the resident dork chooses this chachtastic line: “Hi. I’m Jeff. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Where’s a falling chandelier when I need one? And you know that sweaty mask smelled like dot, dot, dot.

William practically wets his pants when he discovers that the group date is at a comedy club. Then he nearly jizzes himself when famed comedian Jeffrey Ross takes the stage to set-up the rules for roasting our very own Bachelorette Ashley.

Immediately, the group is murmuring with various reactions.

Lucas: Jeffrey Ross is the best stand up comedian who walks this nation. (HE SPEAKS! Perhaps he should keep his mouth shut though.)

Tonto: “I know everyone is going to make fun of my mask. But one of them is dressed exactly like a Back Street Boy. Oh heads are going to roll. You just wait.”

Ames: “This is the most traumatic thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I wish I hadn’t added so much tangerine tint to my spray tan solution this morning.”

William: “If Jeffrey Ross thinks I do a good job at roasting tonight, it could be the break I need in my career. First Ashley, then maybe the Hoff or Pamela Anderson in a few months. One can only hope.”

Lincee: “What did Ashley do to the producers to make them hate her so much?”

The flash mob “random” bystanders have been ushered into the comedy club as Ashley and the Bachelors make their way to the stage. Ashley perches like a tiny princess on a red velvet pillow engulfed by a massive gold encrusted throne. She’s interested to see what these jokers have to say because in her opinion, there’s a grain of truth in every insult.

Lucas: “Ames–when’s your forehead going to give birth?”
Easy target. Little originality.

Tonto [reaching down to pick something invisible off the floor]: “Oh Ashley. I just picked up your boobs. Sorry.”
[Crickets chirping…why would her boob be on the floor?]

Nick: “You’re the first girl I’ve dated with smaller chest than me.”
This may have been funnier had the boob joke not just crashed and burned before. Sadly, this would not be the last of the boob talk. More than one mentioned her boobs. Or lack of boobage. In fact, the word “boobs” was spoken aloud no more than 37 times. I think that’s a prime time record. ABC must be so proud. It was nothing but boobs over and over again, which just shed more light on the non-existent boobs. There may have been one or two flat chests. But there was nary a breast. Only boobs.

Groban: “Congratulations on being third runner-up. That’s quite and accomplishment.”
Ouch.

Chris: “This season should have been called Brad Womack’s leftovers.”
Unfunny. It’s not like we haven’t had Jason Mesnic’s leftovers or Brad Womack’s other leftovers or Jake Pavelka’s leftovers or the original Bachelor who’s name I forgot leftovers. That’s weak Chris.

Blake: “Nick has muscle. But you take that away and you get Bentley. Take away his good looks and you’re left with Ames. Take away his intelligence, and you get Groban. Without Groban’s suave ways, you end up with Chris and without Chris’ height you get William. Take away all those things and you get an old guy with no personality.”
Touché! You go dentist with no personality! Be still my sarcastic loving heart!

William: “Ashley. You are so beautiful, so gorgeous and so used. But one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I thought when I came here, it would be Emily or Chantal. Please donate to the Ashley Boob Fund. We love you!”

Aside from the one person in the audience who yelled, “Too soon dude!” the look on everyone’s face was a mixture of shock and sadness. Except for Bentley who was nodding his head in agreement when Ashley was looking down trying to compose herself.

Annnnnddddd on that note, the roast was over. Ashley can barely scramble off the stage before collapsing into one of the comedy club booths and crying her false eyelashes off.

Enter Bentley.

Bentley: “I saw that she was crying. I’m not going to pass up an opportunity to mess with her head. Even though I hate it when people cry and find that it’s not attractive at all, I’ll do what it takes.”

Bentley turns on the charm and compliments her boobs, other assets and without flat out lying, reminds her that at least 24 of the 25 guys are there for the right reasons. Ashley feels that Bentley is a real guy with not alternate agenda. Just as viral nude images of Blake Lively are totally photoshopped.

Ashley reapplies her false eyelashes and gives the boys a good talking to at the after party. She reminds them that she is super sensitive that the ghost of Emily will not leave her alone already and hopes that these guys will give her and her small boobs a chance.

William pulls her aside and tries to explain that this was a ROAST and the point was to go for the JUGULAR and MAKE FUN and NOT CARE IF YOU HURT someone while doing it. Duh! When Ashley confirmed that he did indeed rip her jugular to pieces, he instructs her to leave him and talk to the other guys because he is poison to her system. And then he went running down the street. I begged and pleaded the TV for him to get a tattoo on his inner forearm, but no such luck.

Meanwhile, Ashley is going through the motions of the after party. She barely flinched when Tonto told her he has rescued a three-legged dog from the pound. Personally, that made me laugh. It wasn’t until Ryan P. swooped in with a reverse roast and affirms every party of her physical, mental and emotional being. She rewards him with a kiss.

Since her nerves are raw and exposed, Ashley chooses this moment to confront Bentley about the undercover text messages she had received from Crazy Michelle.

Ashley: “So, I received a few text messages that warned me about you. The person said you would stay for a couple of weeks, promote your business and then go home. Do you want to be here? What are your intentions?”

GO ASHLEY!

Bentley: “I don’t feel like that applies to what we have going here at all. (nice and vague) I have a feeling that this might be coming from Crazy Michelle. She knows my ex-wife and I wouldn’t say that that’s a great source of information.”

Ashley: “If you choose to leave, that would be harder on me than anything else. You know that right?”

So close.

Bentley: “We’re on the same page. Here…why don’t you lay your head down in my crotch for a minute.”

I’m going to need a bucket.

Ironically, it was Ryan P. who raised Ashley up and she bestowed the date rose on him instead of the Groban. This irritates Bentley and he vows to leave Ashley in his wake.

The next scene, Ashley takes her morning walk along the flag stones in her back yard as she pines away for her beloved Bentley, secretly wishing they could just run away to Salt Lake City together. Bentley tells his fellow bros that he misses his daughter and he’s hitting the road.

Bentley: “These tools and idiots actually believe me. I played everyone. And that’s something that’s never been done before. I’m going to make her cry. I hope my hair looks good.”

Dear Cozy:

I know your Daddy was a total douche on national television and used you as an excuse to pimp some mystical business, but I implore you to KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON and SEEK THERAPY NOW!

Sincerely,
Lincee

I found it odd that they gave this dill hole a ride to Ashley’s mansion, yet made Rated-R crutch for five miles, up hill, both ways when he wanted to go see Ali. Bentley tells the camera that he again wishes it was Emily, that Ashley was an ugly duckling and that he hadn’t rehearsed what he was about to say.

It is with great affection to you, dear reader, that I beta cap the next 20 minutes of Ashley and Bentley’s exchange. You are welcome.

Door knocking. Surprised looking. Lame hugging. Chin on head propping. Questions asking. Daughter missing. Lincee eye rolling. Ashley crying. Ashley snotting. Bentley hem and hawing. You coming backing? Under breath laughing. Daughter reminding. Ashley understanding. Bentley kissing. Ashley crying. Lincee hurling. Bentley consoling. Ashley begging. Bentley smiling. Lincee fast forwarding. Guilt inducing. Bentley hugging. Ashley leg wrapping. Bentley dot, dot, dotting. Ashley choking. Purple comforter hiding. Ashley monologuing. Heart breaking. Ashley ugly crying. Ashley wailing. Ashley fighting. ABC psychotherapist injecting. Ashley sleeping.

One-On-One Date Two
JP
“There’s No Place Like Home”

Poor JP is the sorry sucker who has to bat third after William tears down any self esteem Ashley might have possessed and Bentley takes her heart back with him to Salt Lake City. She’s a shell of a woman, brooding over her unfortunate luck in front of a crackling fire.

Ever the gentleman, JP brings Ashley flowers and immediately opens up about her rotten, no good, craptastic day. By getting all the drama out in the open, JP figures she’ll mellow out a bit and move on to more fun things.

LIKE A SLUMBER PARTY!

Ashley suggests they get comfy, cozy…which only reminds her of Bentley…and then she runs upstairs to the soothing caress of her purple comforter before returning 30 minutes later in Kevin Harrison’s sweat pants and hoodie, house shoes, glasses and her hair in a messy bun. Fortunately, that was just enough time for the ABC intern to scour the sales bin at Old Navy for some pajama bottoms for JP. Too bad they were three sizes too small. But JP owned them as well as JP could in this situation.

Ashley reiterates that she has disappointed all of the guys and is emotionally drained. JP takes this as his cue to stick his tongue down her throat. She pins the rose on his white Haynes v-neck, fresh out of the package and goes in for seconds. She declares JP as the King of Kissers…even better than Bentley.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley begins transporting messages from alien life forms from the amount of tin foil that was used to fashion her super short silver sparkly mini dress. She stares longingly at Bentley’s picture on the photo bureau sponsored by Pier One. She symbolically turns his photo down and quietly threatens to the ABC psychotherapist that she’s about to leave the show.

ABC crew: “Mayday, mayday! We have reached legitimate melt down status. I feel she is about to go full-blown Brittney postal and shave her head. Send in reinforcements. I REPEAT! SEND IN REINFORCEMENTS!”

Straight from one of our better dreams, Harrison mysteriously appears behind Ashley. He invites her to sit with him and she accepts.

OHCH: “Bad week?”
Ashley: “It’s Bentley…my one true love on this show…he’s gone forever!”

OHCH: “Just to be clear, you’re talking about Bentley, the resident d-bag we hired. Not to be confused with Tonto, the resident whack job we also enlisted, correct?”
Ashley: “Yes. My beloved. My Boo. My Bentley.”

OHCH: “The jerk off that you were warned about before you came? The one that would probably stay two weeks and leave?”
Ashley: “Whatever Chris. I’m in LOVE and he’s GONE!”

OHCH: “You and I both know you couldn’t possibly be in love. You’ve known this guy for five seconds. Could it have been the idea of him? The forbidden fruit? You were warned. You confronted him and then you put your head in his crotch. Is this information accurate?”
Ashley: “Well…the truth is…”

OHCH: “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. No regrets. No mercy. NO FEAR!”
Ashley: “But he dot, dot, dotted me and…”

OHCH: “You fell for the oldest trick in the book. He should fight to stay here…move heaven and earth. And he didn’t. He left. There are a handful of other guys out there who didn’t leave and are here for the right reasons. That tool who roasted you a new one is definitely not one of them but that’s your poor decision to indefinitely make to keep him around. I’m going to give you exactly 30 seconds to re-glue your false eyelash back on before I expect you in that rose room and demand that you give the Grobans, pervasive blonds and the mute from Texas a shot.”

Roses are handed out to:
Greek Josh Groban
West
Oh Mickey
Josh Groban in a whimsical black and white bow tie
Blake the dentist
Nick
Ames
Lucas the mute Texan
William

Chris is out and Tonto is directed to stare at the outdoor fire pit for an eight count before throwing his Lone Ranger mask into the blazing flames. He holds another few precious seconds and then rides away into the sunset in the rejection limo, graciously offering to blow his entire ABC stipend at the nearest bar with Chris.

Next week, the Grobans appear to have some chemistry (with Ashley…not each other) in Thailand and Ryan P. develops a sever case of the fatal attactions. FUN TIMES!

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee