Bachelorette Becca recap: Tia, wouldn’t wanna be ya
Bachelorette Becca Recap – Hometown Dates
“I’m sorry. I’m probably going to hell.”
You know it’s a stellar episode when someone from your watching party utters that phrase within two minutes of the opening montage.
Hey Becca. America saw your butt cheeks thanks to an infamous Jump & Straddle (trademark pending) in an ill-fitting floral purple romper. I had many things to say about your wardrobe choice that I shan’t repeat here.
Okay, twist my arm.
- I had no idea the American Girl store had an indecent line of clothing for their more capricious dolls.
- Build-A-Bear: Not just for bears anymore. Thanks Bachelor Nation!
- Becca’s favorite colors: short and tight.
Seriously. Becca was either nearly spliced in two after that J&S, thanks to her thong, or she was going full-on commando.
No one needs to see your naughty bits, Becca. Put some pants on.
FIRST HOMETOWN DATE
Garrett’s family is in the agriculture business. That means they call themselves “farmers” but employ people like Carlos to drive them around on big tractors with benches on the back so Garrett and Becca can plant seeds in style.
This convenient contraption comes in handy since Becca read “pastoral tilling” on the producer’s call sheet and dutifully chose the aforementioned baby romper paired with platform wedges for a day of harvest in the fields. Basically, Garrett and Becca make out while holding tomato plants instead of actually planting tomato plants.
The tomato crop will be sketch next year, but Garrett may have found his one true love. It’s all worth it in the long run.
Garrett hops up onto a tractor and Becca sits in his lap. It’s a fantasy for most women who didn’t grow up around farming/ranch equipment. She thinks his tractor’s sexy. It really turns her own. She always starin’ at him, as he’s chugging along.
They also plant a rose bush by a random tree near the tomato fields so Garrett can pick her roses for the rest of their lives. Kudos to the ABC Intern for procuring a rose bush, finding a shovel, and digging a hole so fast. They will be able to pull that bush right up next week when Garrett is sent home after fantasy suites.
Becca and Garrett sit on the ground and talk about his ex-wife. Becca asking Garrett about his first marriage is the same as everyone in the world asking Becca about Arie. Let’s put both of those topics to bed, shall we?
Garrett’s family is concerned. They are really nervous that this random woman who once loved a race car driver / real estate developer named Arie will break their boy’s heart in a million pieces, just like the evil ex. His sister even breaks down mentioning Garrett’s inability to find love and her voice reaches an octave only dogs can hear. She moans on and on about how the life was sucked out of Garrett and she no longer could summon her patronus to save the day.
Garrett’s parents harp on the fact that his life was utterly destroyed. All vow they will guard and protect him until the bitter end. No one offers to get a tattoo. Garrett implores them all to take a chill pill. He’s got this. Becca is in his future and he is falling in love.
That typically signifies a nail in the coffin. We shall see.
SECOND HOMETOWN DATE
Buffalo, New York
In just a matter of a few days, Jason’s hair manages to grow a few inches and look a little more greasy. As a true “Buffalonian,” he scoots her over to the world-famous Anchor Bar for a chicken wing eating contest.
- Is Buffalonian a real word?
- How cute was Becca when she borrowed a hair tie from the ABC Intern to pile her hair on top of her head for optimal chicken wing consumption?
- Dear Lincee’s Future Husband: NEVER TAKE ME TO A CHICKEN WING EATING CONTEST!!!
- It’s a good thing that Jason is such a great kisser, because a bowl full of tiny bones is the opposite of romantic.
Jason claims he was “born with skates on his feet,” which must have been torture for his mother. He takes Becca to a rink and proves that he has enough skating talent to be very very attractive to those of us who like that sort of thing. When he dips her on the ice, I melt.
Jason takes Garrett’s boring John Deere and raises him a Zamboni. She giggles as they ride around on the machine. Becca seems to prefer ice verses soil.
Later that night, Garrett introduces Becca to his family. His mom, Dale, is a babe. I need to know her nighttime skin routine. She thinks Becca is the best because Becca is looking for “her person” and Garrett is looking for his person. He’s her lobster. She’s his lobster.
Dale wants Becca to know that Jason has never been this excited about a lady. Additionally, when he makes a commitment, it’s a commitment FOR LIFE. She also wants her son to know that she has no idea if Becca is into him. Dale warns Jason that Becca’s heart might be leaning in another direction.
Does Becca’s true north live in Colorado and wear his emotions on his sleeve? Or does he have a lot of product in his hair? Stay tuned.
Jason says that he definitely came from behind, but he feels like he’s in the running now. His brothers wants to know if he’s told Becca.
Jason’s brother reminds his bro that there isn’t a lot of runway left and he has to ramp things up during the home court advantage.
Look! It’s a well-adjusted family member who gives solid advice!
Jason takes the advice and pours accolades all over his lady love. He recites EXACTY what he told his brother just moments before, layering on a few extra tidbits like, “I’m so insanely and wildly in love with you.”
Then it starts snowing. So he takes her face and gently kisses the crap out of her.
Jason for the win.
THIRD HOMETOWN DATE
Blake stands in a gazebo and makes Becca run across a powdery field of snow for the obligatory Jump & Straddle (trademark pending.) Bless Becca’s oddball heart. She wears tiny little suede booties during a snow storm. Let the record show that I’m glad she wore pants, but was disappointed to see the shredded denim jeans. Someone get the girl a pair of Uggs and be done with it.
Blake takes Becca to his old high school. I fight my knee jerk reaction to roll my eyes back into my head because I figure Blake is probably two years out of high school and this makes sense that he’s still living out his old football glory days.
Then I remember he’s twenty-eight and give ocular permission to have at it.
Once again, I feel like the biggest door knob when Blake tells Becca that his high school helped shape him into the man he is today because during his senior year, a complete stranger came in and started shooting. A girl lost her life and since then, the community has been #BaileyStrong.
Becca knows now why Blake is so emotional and slightly immature and eager to feel all the feels. He understands that we are not promised tomorrow. It’s evident that he ticked up several notches in her fantasy suite counter.
Blake has one more surprise for Becca. I figure he’s about to take her under the bleachers, but instead he shoves her through some double doors into a packed auditorium where none other than P!nk is on stage to perform for these jokers!
Wait a minute. It’s not P!nk.
He shoves her through some double doors into a packed auditorium where none other than Betty Who is on stage to perform for these jokers!
Exactly. Betty Who.
Like Betty Who from Whoville? Distant cousin of Cindy Lou Who?
Have I heard of the singer Betty Who? No I have not. Did I think it was odd for her to bop around on a One Act Play stage with two backup dancers? Sure. Did Becca know every single lyric to both songs? Absolutely.
Betty Who cares if you don’t know Betty Who. The important thing to remember is that BECCA knows who Betty Who is and Blake may have just surpassed Jason in the coolest hometown date contest.
Blake’s parental meet-and-greet makes me nervous. As you recall, his mom cheated on the dad with his coach/English teacher. Using context clues from the participating adults on this date, my guess is that both parents AND their significant others were in the room. I’m sure it was awkward, but yay for trying to put broken pieces back together for the sake of the kid, his potential future wife, and my entertainment.
Blake’s mom isn’t feeling the timeline of this crazy journey. She wonders if her son will be ready to propose in a week. Also, his heart was smashed into a million pieces. It was ripped from his chest and she saw the result of the worst breakup in human history. The panic attacks. The divorce. The shooting. THE BREAKUP!!!
Am I the only one who doesn’t remember a thing about this awful breakup? Where have I been? On a scale of tragedies, was it like a Garrett-level ex-wife tragedy? Or just a normal girlfriend Jason tragedy?
Sorry, Colton. You don’t get to play this game.
His parents ask very good questions, which again, is weird for hometown dates. When Becca asks if Blake is over this phantom heartbreak enough to be ready to get down on one knee, they turn it right back around on her.
Who was the one who was engaged six months ago? Right! THE GIRL IN THE ROMPER.
With that said, Mom can see that Blake is head-over-heels in love and ready to settle down. I agree. Apart from the sinister look he gave the cheater coach, he was ooey gooey in love.
FOURTH HOMETOWN DATE
Colton doesn’t waste any time going straight for the juggernaut of all hometown dates. He takes Becca to purchase gifts so they can deliver them to the children’s hospital for the kids in the cystic fibrosis wing.
Let me just say that the little girl patient was D-A-R-L-I-N-G. Colton’s shirt made of cheesecloth was not. All props to Becca for wearing pants in front of the kiddos.
Colton tells Becca that not just anyone gets to come home with him. Like his virginity, he’s protective of that part of his life. Becca understands and assures him that she’s 110-percent ready for the day.
Math is hard.
Colton’s entire extended family greets the prodigal son and Becca at the door. Each woman wore a cold shoulder blouse in honor of the show two seasons ago. There’s little Harper who whispers to Colton, “Is she your girlfriend?” and a sensible bundt cake on the table.
Mom and Dad have great questions. Dad wants to know how Becca is going to bounce back after Arie. He also asks if Becca knows about Tia.
Way to almost throw your kid under the bus, Dad.
Becca understands that Colton and Tia just hung out that one time (foreshadowing at its finest) and that she’s ready for marriage. Dad reads her like a book and says, “If it’s not my kid, let him go now so it won’t be as hard down the road.”
Meanwhile, Colton tells his mom that he’s a virgin and he wants to swipe his card with Becca in the fantasy suite. I’ve never yelled PINEAPPLE louder in my entire life. I spent the rest of the conversation behind a couch cushion. I’m getting hives now just typing that sentence. BLESS.
Multiply that by two thousand and you’ll understand my angst when Colton’s mom has the exact same conversation with Becca! She all but asked about certain positions and protection. I AM GOING TO DIE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.
Caroline borrows Becca’s teeny tiny romper and passes out mimosas to the girls. Becca prattles on about why she loves each boy. Garrett has a tractor. Jason can kiss. Blake is sweet. And Colton is…
Tia raises her hand like she’s a student in school. Becca calls on her and Tia asks for a private audience with her bestie. Baby Becca and Kendall the taxidermist exhibit the appropriate “WHHAAAATTTT????” faces to really make the moment extra dramatic.
Get this: Tia wants Becca to know that “It makes me sick to my stomach that you got to meet his family.” PS: Tia still has feelings for Colton.
Methinks someone is still a little pissy that they didn’t get the coveted position of ABC’s next bachelorette.
Between trying to control her fly aways and digesting what Tia just said, Becca adopts a zen demeanor. She takes to the balcony to process through her feelings. She manages to forget to ask Tia how she can have feelings for someone who she’s known for a grand total of ten hours? Then she realizes Tia could ask the same of her. She doesn’t want a guy to come between her friendship with Tia, but darn it, she likes Colton so much. What’s a girl to do?
CALL OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON!
Technically, someone did call Harrison, but it was sweet Colton who chatted up our host. Fantasy suites are looming and he wants to know what is expected of him since he’s a virgin.
Look, if anyone call walk Colton through the mechanics of the fantasy suite, it’s Harrison.
Our Host does a great job of explaining that “no means no” and he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do. This seems to please Colton, so he skips to the rose ceremony room to stand with the three other guys who have very short pants.
Across town, Becca takes her rather large split in her dress for a walk at dusk. She sidles up next to the balcony, but it’s too tall for her to pull a Mesnick. Instead, she heads downstairs to tell the guys that she’s had amazing weeks with all of them.
At this point in the game, I took a quick poll of my viewing audience and we all thought someone different was going home. So when Blake’s name was called first, a roar erupted from the group. Jason’s name was next (we all knew he was safe) and Garrett’s was called last.
Poor Colton was sent packing. How many people on the production team do you think encouraged him to give Tia a call after he halfway cried in the rejection limo?
My guess is at least five.
And who’s ready for things to get hot in Thailand next week?
That’s a euphemism. The temperature is hot there. It has nothing to do with fantasy suites.
Or maybe that wording was a happy accident!