Bachelorette Becca recap: Men Tell All through tears
Bachelorette Becca, Men Tell All
Our favorite men are back to tell it all. And by “tell it all” I mean cry about it all while wearing brightly patterned jackets and pedal pushers.
When Our Host Chris Harrison takes the stage, it’s clear that his good taste has gone unnoticed before this crop of bachelors vying to find love or fifteen minutes of Instagram fame. Harrison is poised, sovereign, and has clearly taken on a patriarchal role among this rag-tag band of yahoos.
The purple tie says it all. He regally commands the stage as he sits on his throne next to the hot seat. Gone are the days when he invited the normal ousted bachelors to join his exclusive entourage. That club is closed. There’s no room for shiny underwear and bare ankles.
Let the record show that I fully support this decision. It’s a new dawn. A new day. A new life. And I’m feeling good.
But before Our Host Chris Harrison expertly wrangles a gathering of hormonal men, we are treated to a special sneak peek of this season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Here’s what we learn:
- “It’s about to get coconuts!” is the new “aco taco.” Good to know.
- Krystal no longer suffers from the nodes. Miracles do happen!
- “Yes, yes, pinch the nipple, please,” is a phrase uttered more than once. Bless.
- It looks like taxidermy Kendall is in a love triangle with Leo and Grocery Store Joe.
- The Chicken still hates Jordan.
- Apparently one of the Russian islanders might be a witch. My guess is that she’s a Hufflepuff alumna because someone from Gryffindor would never choose to find love in Paradise.
- Colton, Tia, and Crazy Eddie seem to be in a love triangle, too.
- Ben Higgins wears a mariachi outfit and shouts out into the ocean that he is unlovable. Sure, sure.
- Lauren and Arie are there as well. It makes zero sense, but I’ll allow it.
- Robby and Jordan have a Zoolander stare-off. I can’t wait.
- Evan and Carley and Jade and Tanner all visit with their offspring. Let’s lather those babies up with antibacterial hand sanitizer, okay?
- Raven: “I’m back in Paradise where I had my first orgasm.” 1.) We don’t need nor do we want to know that. Also, has she broken up with Adam? Or is she on the adjacent island with people like Ben Higgins and the married couples?
- Ashley I-Lashes and Jared get engaged.
- Tear Count: Kendall, the Russian witch, Colton, Tia, one of the babies, the girl who was traumatized on bumper cars, Bibiana, Eric, the hot Canadian bachelor, and Chelsea/Olivia (aka Cholivia)
Bachelor in Paradise season 5: Glitter bombs and waterworks. Sounds fabulous!
Okay, back to the panel. Like any producer who graduated from the Academy of Mike Fleiss, we begin our show with a Jordan highlight reel, where we once again learn that professionality is attached to Jordan’s face. We revisit the JB cologne “I love you just kidding” debacle, and Wills politely asking Crazy Eddie to leave his woman alone.
Instead of asking Crazy Eddie why he’s sporting a thin teenage mustache, Our Host gives Chris the opportunity to explain what was up with his emotional breakdowns and rage. Chris admits that watching the wheels fall off his bus was tough and he apologizes to everyone for being a jack wagon. Smart.
Harrison then moves on to JB, providing him the chance to justify his actions the day he was kicked to the curb. Surprisingly, Colton jumps in with his shiny black suit and starts dropping f-bombs left and right, perturbed that JB wasn’t there for the right reasons (right reasons). You NEVER tell a woman you love her if you don’t really love her. That word is S-A-C-R-E-D.
After a solid five-minute squabble, Harrison switches gears to Jordan and sits back to watch the entertainment unfold before him. Let me boil this down for you: Everyone thinks Jordan is an obnoxious chach, excluding Grocery Store Joe. He likes everyone.
They give Jordan an estimated thirty minutes of screen time. We watch as he argues, interrupts, flips people off, picks a fight with the soccer guy who wore a tuxedo on the top and gaucho pants on the bottom.
It was a lot of Jordan. Although he is annoying as all get out, he did have some memorable one-liners:
- I’m the mouse and they are the elephant.
- I’m taking up real estate in their minds.
- David, would you like to fall in or jump in?
- If I walked around as a hologram of a man or a skeleton of a man, is someone going to brand me?
- What’s your name Tuxedo?
- High waters? Really?
- I’ll take the last word: F you, f you, you’re a b!t@h, f you, not you Grocery Store Joe. You’re cool.
- I’m not 007 all the time.
- My groin is worth gold.
- I’d have the best time in a cardboard box.
- I’ll do what I want. I’ll eat Capt’n Crunch and mix it with orange juice.
Grocery Store Joe is up next in the hot seat and he is adorable. His smile is fabulous and I kind of liked his “aw shucks” attitude. Although he didn’t talk a lot, we learn that Joe will be bringing his produce to Paradise and he might/maybe/may have found love. Mazel tov!
Wills is up next. He inaugurates the phrase of the night, which was: “Tell my truth.” He loved Becca. She didn’t love him back. She had to live her truth. He is now living his truth in a Christmas plaid jacket with red shoes. Tis the season.
Colton makes his way to the hot seat and Chris Harrison immediately brings up Tia. Colton wants everyone to know that he was telling his truth and he loved Becca. He doesn’t blame her for thinking Tia was a red flag because that’s her speaking her truth. No one is at fault.
Also, he wants you to quit virgin-shaming him. He is just speaking a different truth. Jordan wants Colton to know that he sees him. And his truths. #respect
Finally, Jason hops onto the stage. His hair is a little shorter and less greasy. I’m so, so proud. That’s my truth. When Harrison tells him his chemistry with Becca was undeniable, Jason starts crying. He doesn’t care that he’s now known as one of the best kissers in Bachelor history. Jason just needs this time to tell his truth. He loved Becca and wishes her happiness.
When Becca takes the stage in her Black Widow outfit, she admits that saying good-bye to Jason was the hardest good-bye. That sucks for whoever ends up as number two, but that’s neither here nor there. She is rooting for Jason to live his truth, she adores Jordan for speaking his truth, and doesn’t care when JB gives her another bottle of perfume made of tears, bits of red rose petals, and regret.
As far as Colton goes, she does not blame Tia for the breakup, nor does she blame Colton’s virginity. You guys, she’s totally dated virgins before. His name was Ross and they were junior high sweethearts.
Crazy Eddie gives a heartfelt apology (his truth) and summons a gospel quartet to come out and sing and original “I’m Sorry” song to Becca. She loves it and accepts his apology, thus solidifying our assumption that Richard Marx is the best songwriting teacher in the world.