Bachelorette Becca Recap: Captain Underpants
Bachelorette Becca Recap: Week 4
In the fourteen seasons I’ve been watching the disastatastrophe ABC calls The Bachelorette, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed more storyline stuffed into a two hour block than on last night’s episode.
There were two rose ceremonies, a location change, two one-on-one dates, a massive group date, a dude sent home early, the return of an injured contestant, a country music artist mini concert, ex-Olympians, a lumberjack, a lumberjill, bobsledding, log splitting, a bottle of perfume, crazy antics on a snowmobile, flannel, beanies, crushed velvet, and one golden pair of hot pants.
That will not be the last time you see this picture. Break out the Germ Squirt.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin where we left off last week. As you remember, Clay found out that he needs surgery on his wrist, which led to his decision to pursue a relationship with the NFL instead of Becca. He leaves the show and Jordan swoops in, not wearing a tie, to make Becca feel better. Clay is but a memory now. She’s moved on to bigger and brighter things. Or tighter and golden-er things.
Becca hands Jordan a tiny pair of shiny underwear, giggling that she “saw them and immediately thought of Jordan.”
Let’s break this down. While shooting promo spots, Becca spies an adult novelty store selling tiny gold shorts from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She thinks to herself, “OMG! I must get those for my favorite male model! Can I borrow someone’s credit card?”
While rummaging through the dresser drawers in her bachelorette suite, Becca discovers a pair of discarded golden underwear underneath a folded pile of skinny jeans. The label reads “Nick Vaill.” She thinks to herself, “OMG! I must get these to my favorite male model! Someone have InstaStory ready to film this biz and make sure to tag Nick.”
The ABC Intern drives to a naughty store to hunt down a pair of golden underwear because the producers think Jordan’s junk and corn hole will look ultra fabulous in HD television.
Jordan agrees. When he accepts the gift from Becca, he thanks her and then tells the camera that the only logical explanation for the gift is that Becca thinks his groin is worth gold. Then he sniffs the undergarment and shares that “it smells like victory.”
Blake takes the bull by the horns and leads Becca to the lower bunk in his room. Ignoring the faint blood stain on the floor and the bitter smell of bleach lingering in the air, Blake wants to chat about important things like, “How many kids do you want?”
Becca answers three. Lo and behold Blake wants three, too. What are the odds? She also wants to name the little girl Stevie, which is suuuuuper weird because Blake loves boy names for girls. He’s always dreamed about a little darling named Charlie, but Stevie is good, too.
Right before he pulls out a spreadsheet from his back pocket that details the extensive research he’s conducted on the top public elementary schools zoned to his neighborhood, Becca hops up to greet The Chicken who has pecked his way back into our lives. Charlie and Stevie’s education will have to wait. There’s a pity rose to give out!
The guys crash into The Chicken, hugging him in their bro way. This makes me nervous since half of The Chicken’s face has fallen off his skull. HUG HIM GENTLY, YOU BRUTES! Home Cluck is swoll. And bruised. And his eye may be popping out.
But he is still ready to find love and continue his journey. Just not on the top bunk.
The Chicken leaves to get some much needed rest. Jordan bad mouths him to the camera. He speaks his mind because it hurts to bite his tongue.
Crazy Eddie has a rose for impressing Richard Marx. Colton has a rose for claiming he does NOT have the hots for Tia. Clay’s rose is potpourri on top of the toilet tank in the power room. And The Chicken’s rose is hanging from his hospital bracelet. Other roses go to:
Nick (in a track suit which was LAME)
My boy Banjo goes home without playing his instrument or saying a word. The Beast is sent packing for tackling Clay and breaking his wrist. Becca gets a few hair product tips before kicking him out and toasting to the remaining winners that they are going to PARK CITY, UTAH!
Everyone pretends to be excited and the producers rush through the next logical steps of the episode. There is no animated map to show us how to get to Utah from California. Nor is there a date card fortuitously tucked into Our Host Chris Harrison’s pocket. It’s just Becca in a winter version of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video wardrobe and Garrett looking great in his cowboy boots.
G-Man receives the first jump and straddle of the season. Becca nearly takes out a poor impressionable child when she hurtles herself into Garrett’s big, strong arms. All is well as the ABC Intern pays off the child’s parents with a gift certificate to a certain store in LA that sells lamé underwear and an autographed copy of Harrison’s romance novel.
Garrett and Becca take pictures of themselves on an old school camera they found in an alpaca shop. Then they go bobsledding with silver medalists from the 2006 Olympics. Becca admits that she’s so excited, she peed a little bit in her pants.
Hey Becca. Somethings are better left unsaid. This is national television, girl.
Becca and Garrett talk about how much they are in sync at dinner and how he reminds her of her dad. Becca can’t seem to wipe the smile off her face. Garrett is meeting every expectation, until he brings up the minor detail that he was once married for two months.
Garrett talks and talks and talks about all the red flags in his first marriage and how he waved at them as they passed him by. Becca tries to be cool about it, but the shock sticks to her face like Jordan’s golden shorts on his butt cheeks. She’s nervous that her man Garrett won’t be able to commit or will feel like he’s under pressure by his ABC contract that he signed in blood to make a decision to get down on one knee at the end of this.
Garrett says that he’s in this 50/50. If we look at that number logically, Garrett is admitting he’s in this fifty percent and wants Becca to meet him the other fifty. Should he want to be in a relationship 100/100?
Becca takes the fifty and raises him a red boutonnière. Then she takes him to white man dance in front of country music rising star Granger Smith and a few dozen strangers. I’d like to point out that he did bite his bottom lip and did something weird with his hands. But he made up for his lack of dance skills with hundreds of kisses.
Thirteen guys come together as one collective unit to compete in the Lumberjack Bash. That basically means that Becca is going to watch them all strip off their coats and blouses in order to channel their inner Brawney Man, complete with buffalo check flannel shirts.
Bachelorette Becca is so excited for this competition, because she used to watch lumberjacking at the Minnesota State Fair.
Interesting. We eat random fried things at the Texas State Fair. Oreos, Twinkies, Oatmeal Creme Pies. If it’s made by Little Debbie, Texans will stick it in hot oil for thirsty seconds, dust some powdered sugar on it, and worry about sugar shock later.
For practice, the men have to split a piece of wood. I myself did not know how AH-TRACTIVE this skill can be until I watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Behold…
Roughly half the guys can do it. Crazy Chris, Lincoln, and JB struggle with their axes. Becca has no problem splitting her wood or hurling her axe straight into the bullseye of a waiting target. The biggest celebration came when Venmo killed the task!
The obstacle course is next. Lots of splitting, tossing, sawing, and then shimmying up a very high pole. Blake almost caught Venmo at the end, but our billionaire squeaked out a win. This landed him the golden axe trophy, which is nice and all, but not the equivalent of a rose.
That night at the after party, Becca wiggles into a red crushed velvet dress with a cold sternum and cold left leg. She turns on the charm with Jason and proclaims that he is the best kisser on the roster. He’s a Three Bears Kisser…not to fast, not too slow, just right.
Notice she did not do her signature Becca move of caressing his hair. Grease is not the word in this scenario.
Next up is Jordan, who drops trou to show Becca that he is wearing the golden shorty shorts. Then he leans over to kiss her maybe? We will never know because his entire butt region blocked our view.
I don’t care if we all hate Jordan. That’s just mean.
Jordan’s expedition makes Crazy Eddie and Colton mad. Clearly he is not there for the right reasons (right reasons.) So they request a private audience with the pantsless man to tell him that it’s time for the antics to be over with and done. Jordan thrives on the attention and clenches for good measure before leaving them to stand around in their silly jeans.
Meanwhile, JB decides it’s time to make his move since things are progressing at the speed of a tired sloth. JB collaborated with the biggest fragrance house in the world (doubtful) to create a unique scent called “Miss Becca Blanc.” Becca is kind when accepting his generous offer, but also skeeved out a bit.
Leo the Lion interrupts before JB can profess his feelings. So JB goes back to her, looks her dead in the eyes, and shares that he is excited about their instantaneous connection. He also hasn’t felt like this in a long, long time and wants Becca to know that he is falling for her. Nay. He is falling IN LOVE with her.
Becca manages to cobble together a response that is an amalgamation of “this is intense” and “this is quick” and “I’m not on the same page” and “I don’t think I can get there with you.”
To sum up her very honest reaction, Becca lets JB know that she’s not feeling it, she doesn’t think it’s fair to keep him around, and she wants to walk him out to the rejection SUV now.
Halfway out the door, JB turns to her and says, “What about the gift?”
At first, I think, “He wants it back? Is he going to peel off the label and make a new one for the next girl he falls in love with?”
Nope. He’s upset that the gift didn’t magically make her feel the feels for the colognesseur. Becca uses the words “awkward” and “confused” before JB takes back his falling in love comment. He thought that’s what she wanted to hear.
Becca is so hot, the frigid Utah snowflakes dissolve when they hit her skin. She points JB in the direction of the curb and then walks about inside to shout at the other guys. If they are not honest, they can leave. If they think they have to say something they aren’t feeling because they want their fifteen minutes of fame, they can leave. PS: NO ROSE FOR ANY OF YOU.
Becca goes home to take a hot bath. Then she falls asleep and we see her waking up in a pink room with a cable knit sweater she apparently slept in. She even conducts a floating head interview without her eyelashes. Someone is very emotional.
Poor Wills has to pick up the pieces of her simmering heart during his one-on-one date. She picks him up. He’s wearing his swag bag hoodie (complete with monogrammed name for each contestant). She fights back the tears, but nothing helps. So the producers take a cue from Twilight and have Becca risk her life to feel better, just like Bella did when Edward broke her heart.
They ride snowmobiles really, really fast. The brisk mountain air whipping in her face helps Becca forget jack wagon JB, and sweet Clay, and The Chicken’s mangled face, and Jordan’s golden junk. Then they sit in the snow and talk about nothing.
It’s just what she needed.
At dinner, Wills takes off his Gryffindor scarf and listens as Becca tells him what a wonderful day she had snowmobiling her troubles away. She loves that he is strong, resilient, and is such a great listener.
Now is the time in the recap where we discuss Wills lack of energy. Is he sleeping? Does he have droopy eyes? Did he go sniffing around and stumble upon Baby Becca’s secret weed stash? OPEN YOUR EYES, WILLS.
He doesn’t even get riled up when he shares that he had an ex-girlfriend who he thought was “his person” who one day asked for a hall pass. Bless his heart. He’s now worried that he will never be enough. The good news is, he’s definitely imprinted on Becca.
She gives him a rose and then she pulls him onto herself against a wall. A cobbled wall.
A. That’s cheating.
B. That can’t be comfortable.
SECOND ROSE CEREMONY
Guess what? There’s not going to be a cocktail party. Bachelorette Becca knows who she wants to keep and who she wants to kick out. Harrison delivers the bad news and then turns to fetch Becca.
Our bachelorette is decked out in a black number that is a direct knock-off of Katniss’s mockingjay dress. I swear if she lifted her arms and twirled, she would sprout wings and Lenny Kravitz would come up beside Our Host initiating a slow clap.
Along with Garrett and Wills, roses go to:
Nick and Christon are sent home. They don’t get to got to Vegas next week. They won’t get to sing with Wayne Newton. They won’t get to see Jordan and The Chicken on an intense two-on-one.