Bachelorette Becca Recap: Week 5

Hello dear reader! Did you see that I have a summer reading list? I’m collecting everyone’s favorite books, compiling it into an organized document, and sending the list for free. Details HERE.

Okay, I wanted to start this Bachelorette Becca recap off with a “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke, but since Bachelorette Becca and her suitors were barely in the part of Vegas that conjures up a traditional image of Vegas, I opted out.

Instead I’ll go for, “Watch out for camels. They spit.”

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We all know that Las Vegas is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s also the perfect place to wear matching Member’s Only jackets, knowing people won’t look at you funny. Kudos to the ABC wardrobe department for giving Becca’s jacket a little something extra with those shiny black sequins.

What’s not cool? Having Becca stay in the Hotel Aria. Can we not go one week without mentioning this guy’s name? I’m convinced that there is a behind-the-scenes bet going on with all the handlers to see how many times someone brings up Becca’s ex. Even if it is hidden in the name of swanky hotel.

In a dramatic twist of events, Becca meets her beaus inside their man suite as they wig out over their view of the strip. She looks like Olivia Newton-John when she asks Danny Zuko to “tell me about it, stud.” Plus the aforementioned sparkly feminine version of the boys’ jacket.

Luck be a lady tonight! Let’s roll the dice and see who has the odds stacked against them!

I’m betting on you, Crazy Eddie Chris.

One-On-One
Colton
“Let’s Ride Off into the Sunset”

Colton is super pumped to get a one-on-one in Vegas. The slots. The roulette wheel. The smell of victory. The romantic fountains in front of the Bellagio. CELINE DION!

Sorry Colt. Not only are you going to cross the Virgin River (an actual river with that name), but you’re going to ride camels on your date. In the desert. During the day. Put that wad of cash away and gird your loins. Up and over my friend.

Adolescent thoughts of alternate meanings of “hump day” and “hey, the camel called and wants his toe back” flood my brain and I knock each one down. It helps that I’m majorly distracted by Becca’s unique outfit.

After her Jump and Straddle (trademark pending), I notice Becca is wearing a bathing suit with a tank top under a pair of denim shortalls. A plain white bandana ties the outfit together nicely. Colton, however, is not dressed for this particular Arabian pastime and is a little miffed that Becca’s camel won’t walk beside his camel. In fact, they can’t even have a conversation because she’s so far up ahead. At least three dunes.

Never fear, my darling Colton. The camels are leading you to the Promised Land. What would you like more than anything in the world after riding hours on uncomfortable livestock, sweating and baking in the desert sun?

HOT TUB! Woo hoo!

Becca slides into the stagnant water in her ‘80s-style bathing suit. Colton attempts a normal conversation as he swirls pink wine, but Becca is drawn to his abs like Jordan to a mirror. She is by far the most aggressive kiss instigator we’ve ever had the pleasure of spying on in this franchise.

That night, she admits that there’s something about Colton she likes. She wants to get to know him on a deeper level, so she asks about his last relationship. He offers that he was in love and admitted it very quickly in the relationship, but never got it back.

Becca: What happened?
Lincee: She won a gold medal.
Colton: We eventually broke up.
Lincee: And it was covered in US Weekly. “Stars! They’re just like us!”

The camera zooms in on a tight shot of Colton being pulled by the back of his neck for a romantic lip lock. I can report there was some tongue. Church tongue, but tongue nonetheless.

When they come up for air, Colton leans back into his former relationship and talks about how his guard is up because there is a lot of weight in “that word.” He takes it seriously. I wonder if this is the moment Colton will let Becs know about his V-Card. Instead, she gives him the rose.

Wise strategy. Get the boutonnière before you drop the v-bomb.

She takes him outside so they can ride a bus around Vegas. The neon signs are the closest we get to gambling.

Group Date
“Looking for my Mr. Las Vegas”
Wills
Garrett
Blake
Venmo
Connor
Leo
Lincoln
Jason
Crazy Eddie Chris

Becca slithers into her prettiest lingerie, which is perfect for her arrow necklace that points to her cleavage. The boys are super happy to be kicking it at a tricked out mansion. Who lives here? What will they be doing? Is Lil Jon coming back? Will everyone get to meet the incredible Richard Marx this time?

Suddenly, a lifelike wax figure rides in on a black stallion. Everyone is truly impressed by this animatronic masterpiece. Whistles issue forth when the cyborg hops off his trusty steed. Becca introduces the boys to the real live man standing in front of them as Mr. Wayne Newton!

Crickets. Wills’ floral romper (romp-him?) got a bigger reaction than this Vegas legend.

The tangerine-tinted man begins singing a warbled version of “Danke Schoen” and a lightbulb goes off over half the group. It’s the song Ferris sang in the parade!

The assignment is simple: Write lyrics to the tune of “Danke Schoen” that tell a story about your relationship with Becca. Each boy is given a black notebook and a ballpoint pen and instructed to find a nice quiet spot to write about their feelings. Just like a church women’s retreat.

No one is down for this assignment, but all power through. Leo practices his lyrics on a horse who probably lives better than all of us. Connor’s pages fly into the water by accident. Lincoln dismisses the prompt entirely. And Garrett makes Becca laugh with all of his rhyming sentiments.

But it’s Crazy Eddie Chris who takes this seriously. His been here before. He knows the importance of writing everything down in lyrical form and is quite confident that his piece will be placed next to other great poets like Maya Angelou, Shel Silverstein, or Eminem.

Naturally, Wayne announces that they will be singing their songs in front of a live, “free buffet” audience. Everyone freaks out, except Venmo — the YOLO of the group. And everyone bombs, including Crazy Eddie Chris who goes last, but at least gets the audience involved in a small, paltry way.

The cocktail party takes place in an arena. Crazy Eddie Chris insists on bragging about how he killed it in front of the Las Vegas Wayne Newton Fan Club. Plus, he was chosen to go last, which means he’s the best.

Interesting. I’ve been picked last many a time and have never felt this way. YOLO.

Meanwhile, Becca sidles up next to Garrett so they can talk about nothing and make out. Then he licks her. Watch the DVR, people. It happened. She laughed it off, but any man should know not to lick the face of someone they are wooing. Hard stop. No YOLO.

Becca moves on from her fun time with Garrett to her sweet time with Blake, who admits that he is falling in love with her. She gushes because everything is so natural with him. Mark my words, this will probably be his downfall. The love is too easy and that will scare her.

As each guy fights for his alone time, Crazy Eddie Chris insists on reminding everyone how he’s the front runner and there’s no need for him to go get her. She will come get him.

I laugh my butt off when she wanders up moments later and hands the date rose to Blake. Crazy Eds is shocked and threatens to leave the show since Becca clearly isn’t “going after what she wants.” Then he tells the camera that he’s thinking about packing his bags and that she is going to miss out on an amazing best friend and future partner.”

via GIPHY

Two-On-One
“Meet Me in the Valley of Fire”
Jordan
The Chicken

The Chicken was super annoying this episode. He wouldn’t stop instigating the Wilhelmina model in the hours leading up to their scary date. The other guys have gone from laughing to rolling their eyes.

I bet Becs wants to roll her eyes too. She even sets up the date in a chill way, claiming that she just wants to have fun wearing camouflage in her cherry red Jeep riding through the dusty hills of the desert. Jordan calls “shotty” and they take off right after he compares Becca to “a snack.”

Hey, if he’s talking about about Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, I get it.

They head to the exact same spot where The Farmer dumped Kelsey for Ashley I-Lashes. Remember that? I think they used the same bed with gossamer curtains, which makes me concerned for the ABC Intern. You know he must have been sick with a terrible flu that day. Otherwise, he would have never let this happen.

The rose sits on a wooden plate next to a purple amethyst rock. Things start off bad when Becca suggests they “listen to the silence.” All agree even though The Chicken talks the entire time. Finally Becca gives up and they take a walk to sit on a hot rock and talk about each other.

Only The Chicken talks about Jordan the entire time. Tattle, tattle, tattle. Becca becomes annoyed by the fact that The Chicken doesn’t know how annoying he is and quietly listens as The Chicken throws Jordan under the bus.

All you need to know is that Chick claims Jordan said he would be settling if he ended up with Becca. The Chicken’s devil eye has powers that aren’t for good.

Becca switches one with the other and doesn’t bother to make fun of Jordan’s rolled up khakis. She goes straight for the popped collar and asks if he thinks he would be settling if they got together. Jordan claims over and over and over again that The Chicken is flat out lying.

He launches into a monolog that includes a story about his mentally ill mother, the fact that he’s fought for everything he has, and a reminder that he wants to fight for her. He ends with, “If he wants to lie, let’s go talk to him.”

So they do. Becca is the school counselor and sits between the he said/he said volley back and forth. Becca uses her favorite group date words “frustrating, annoying, and petty” and heads back to her thinking rock. Then she comes back, catches the tail end of a fight between the two and sends The Chicken packing with the consulary prize of a purple gemstone rock and a nose that is slightly askew.

At dinner, Becca slowly and surely lets Jordan know that she wants to get to know him better and vice versa.

Jordan: What does a weekend look like for you?
Becca: Church, brunch, lay in bed and not have a plan on Saturday. You?

I’d link to share Jordan’s answer through a beta cap. You’ll thank me later:

Gym going. Iron pumping. Sweat pouring. Pensive looking. Job assigning. Tan bedding. Teeth whitening. Pants ironing. Collar popping. Look smoldering. Mirror winking. Zoolander watching. Eyebrow dancing. Portfolio perusing.

Once Jordan stops talking about Jordan, he asks Becca if she knows what time it is? We all shudder and grab the nearest couch pillow, terrified that the golden panties are about to make their comeback. Instead, he kisses her and Becca laughs. YOLO?

She doesn’t give him the rose and has no problem asking if she can walk him out. Then she holds the rose and watches as fireworks boom over her head. The boys in the Arie Suite (not a typo) shake their heads in confusion, wondering why she would ever pick Jordan over The Chicken.

An emo chick who is undoubtedly a relative of Mike Fleiss waltzes into the room and takes her time dramatically rolling Jordan’s suitcase away. The men rejoice with the enthusiasm of a thousand Wayne Newton fans from his early years.

Rose Ceremony
Becca bites the bullet and asks immediately for a private audience with Crazy Eddie Chris. The minute he sits down he tells Becca that she “owes him, like, fifty-thousand kisses.”

Excuse me?

Becca’s face turns slowly and bores into his soul. Head’s up, Chris. She may not want to do the damn thing with you anymore if you don’t shut up.

But he doesn’t. Ed drones on and on and on about how she didn’t come talk to him and then had the audacity to give the date rose to someone else, when he clearly deserved it. Becca calmly deep dives into this conversation and asks why he didn’t take the initiative? Because she’s taking this seriously and his lack of interest concerns her.

Crazy Chris fumbles the ball AGAIN and tells her, “If I didn’t want to be here, I would have left.”

He wants it to sound nicer than it comes across, because right now, it sounds like a threat. Therefore Becca immediately takes a defense stance. Maybe he should go home. If you’re not interested. Well maybe he will since you’re not interested.

Blah, blah, blah, back and forth. It’s a horrible case of lost in translation and Chris being a chach. He finally gets a clue that she is not on the same page. He insists that there is nothing to think about. Becca is quick to tell him that she has A TON to think about and wraps up the conversation with a quick, “I’m going to leave now.”

Twenty minutes later after Crazy Eddie Chris (appropriate name, don’t’ you think?) wrings his hands in front of Colton and Garrett, he challenges himself to go get his woman and fight for what you want. He marches up to Wills, ignores his plaid suit, and asks if he can have a minute with Becca because it’s very important.

Well if it’s very important…

Becca jumps in. She and Wills just sat down. Chris begs for time and adds the tacky, “You don’t mind, do you?”

Wills does mind. But he’s a gentleman and gives Crazy two minutes to plead his case which, by the way, Becca has no interest in hearing. Chris’ intro lasts 120 seconds because Wills is back to continue his alone time with Becca. Chris asks him AGAIN for more time because this is “legitimately serious.”

CHACH! PARTY OF ONE! CRAZY CHACH, PARTY OF ONE!

Wills asks Chris to not disrespect his time and asks him politely to get up. Chris whines and lingers long enough for Becca to throw him a bone, promising that she will come find him later.

When Chris finally leaves, Wills delivers the best line of the night that didn’t come from Jordan’s mouth: “Now that he’s gone, let’s be nerds and drama free!”

Wills saunters over to the general area where the guys drink their whiskey and eyes Chris. Then he smiles. Chris takes this as an attack and all I can think is, “Button your shirt, Connor. Seriously. Do I have to ask you to do that every week?”

Good Lord make it stop — Crazy Eddie talks to Becca AGAIN and I doze off when he starts yammering about “the old me” from ten minutes ago and “the new me.”

Everyone gathers around sporting their jauntiest pocket squares to watch as Becca hands out roses to everyone except Venmo. I said last night that he will totally be fine. Today, it was announced that he’s going to Paradise! With Grocery Store Joe! All the praise hands!