Bachelorette Becca Recap: Week 6

Thank goodness the ABC production department brought back the handy digital map, because I’m not sure everyone knows where Richmond is located, let alone Virginia.

ABC: The network that teaches geography, as well as debauchery.

Here we go, people. Becca is, according to all the license plates and commemorative commonwealth paraphernalia, in Virginia and Virginia is for lovers. It makes sense that this is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s also the perfect place to spell out L-O-V-E with your body while wearing an adorable hot pink coat that I have since Googled.

Let the record show that it is 101 degrees outside in Texas right now. I have no business Googling an adorable hot pink coat. However, if there is an opportunity for me to go somewhere frigid, I will wear that adorable hot pink coat and pray to my lucky stars that Our Host Chris Harrison is there wearing the exact same blue sweater he wore while hobnobbing with Becca.

Can you imagine? Chris Harrison in a winter setting? I can. He smelled like a crackling fire, mountain air, and a hot toddy. Sign me up.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

First One-On-One Date
Jason
“Life is All About Surprises”

When Jason’s name is read out loud as the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one, he barely has time to spout off the generic, “I’m really looking forward to, blah, blah, blah, yay for alone time, blah, blah, blah, going to get dressed now” speech before Crazy Eddie Chris eclipses the moment with, “I hope I get a two-on-one.”

Huh?

That annoying comment somehow morphs into Chris and Lincoln hopping into a verbal argument. They talked smack about body shaming, a factual tout followed by a request to see “historical data to back that statement up,” along with “stop crying” and a promise for Crazy Eddie to beat up Lincoln, which I would totally pay money to see. Or to see him try.

Colton put it best when he said, “The wheels of the bus have officially come off. We are all on ‘Chris Watch’ right now, just waiting to see when he blows up next.”

Watching two grown men fight is brutal. Poor Blake looks like he’s suffering from major acid reflux. He’s not adjusting well to the tension. Wills remains stoned, Leo is checked out, and the rest count down the seconds until the producers let them go about their day. Couch time is equal to torture time this season.

Jason is grateful to be away from the drama for sure. I must say that he has officially broken through the radar and is no longer flying under it. Yes he still looks like an extra in the cast of Jersey Boys, but he’s owning the black outfits, the crucifix around his neck, and the ample amounts of hair product like a boss.

And Becca L-O-V-E-S it. Thankfully, she doesn’t spell it out. Instead, she takes him to the grave of Edgar Allan Poe’s mom and makes him kiss her in a coffin. Ew. But at the same time, I’m sure Becca is testing her theory that Jason has mad make out skills in any situation, including the final resting place of the maternal influence of an American literary critic.

Becca likes the way Jason kisses. She’s mentioned it three times. If he doesn’t find himself on one knee at the end of this gig, he’s set for life in that department. Who cares that the man can’t do the splits in his tight skinny pants? If the lip lock game is strong, you need to lip lock that business down.

PS: The Unhappy Hour is what nightmares are made of. Gothic attire, a weird contortionist, the creepy guys playing a tiny accordion and mandolin, and blood cocktails do not scream romantic to me. I guess Virginia is also for lovers of the undead.

Becca and Jason ride around on a trolley sipping champagne for a few hours. She reminds us again that he is a great kisser and that he has really taken the time to step up and show her who he is as a person. There is a connection and a chemistry that is undeniable. Not only is it with Becca, but it’s with his hometown friends, too.

Jason practically cried in their arms when Becca surprised him with a bro reunion at a brewery. Best day ever for Jason! Especially when the guys endorse him to the moon and back. He’s the real deal and Becca would be an idiot to let him go.

Becca takes this as a big green light to Lift and Straddle, which is a branch off the more aggressive Jump and Straddle (trademark pending). She is super pumped that her people would be totally BFFs with his people. She starts imagining colors of thread for matching friendship bracelets that would present this moment in time. Red for love, black for gothic, yellow for beer in a wine glass. Perfect.

At dinner, Jason shares a tender story about his grandmother’s battle with Alzheimers and how it changed his perspective on life. You must not take a minute for granted. Because someone could be gone literally or mentally before you know it. Having lived through this exact lesson before with the death of her father, Becca settles into her lovey dovey feelings and gives Jason the rose for being so good at life, great at kissing, and having “one of the best characters I’ve ever met in a man.”

Would that be the Jersey Boy character? Or the Italian guy who gets bumped off in the opening sequence of The Godfather? Be more specific, Becca.

At midnight-thirty, Becca climbs up a ladder to the clock tower in her skin-tight skirt. We have no idea if Jason took a peek at the goods, but I’m guessing that since he has one of the best characters Becca has ever seen, he probably kept his gaze at eye level. They make out by the little hand of a very large clock and toast to a perfect night.

Group Date
“Let’s Make History”
Colton
Garrett
Wills
Conner
Blake
Lincoln
Crazy Eddie Chris

All the boys meet Becca in front of the capitol building wearing their finest rose ceremony duds. For some reason, Crazy Eddie Chris chooses an orange pocket square the size of a placemat to flop from his breast pocket. Already things are amuck.

Becca is in a red power suit and has so much fun introducing the boys to Abraham Lincoln and a brunette George Washington. Honest Abe announces that the boys will be participating in a “Beccaelection” debate in front of the Governor and two hundred eager commonwealth residents. Each mans a podium and wait for the questioning to begin.

Q: What is your idea of the perfect date?
Colton: “Well, Virginia is for lovers…of dogs. So we would go to a dog park.”
Lincee: “April 25. It’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!”

There are softball questions all around before Harrison asks something about honesty and being truthful with Becca. Lincoln answers and Crazy Eddie Chris interrupts with “I can’t say the same for my opponents.”

Harrison masterfully pokes the bear and asks Crazy Eddie Chris what he means? And Chris answers. And answers. And answers some more. He drops a few f-bombs in front of the all-American children holding star-spangled balloons, tiny flags, and hot dogs. He continues to use military phrases like “battle” and “fight.” He majorly throws Lincoln under the bus and completely ruins the date for everyone.

Becca physically recoils into her seat. Her face is a mixture of angry and annoyed. All of the guys know that Chris has gone too far this time and are ticked off that once again, he has commandeered the day with his own insecurities.

A few of the guys call Crazy out for airing dirty laundry in front of a bunch of strangers. They implore him to calm down and just forget about it. Move on, dude.

Sorry. The crazy can’t be switched off at this point. In fact, Eds whips into overdrive and challenges everyone once again with a promise to get the date rose. Also, he can defend himself all day long so COME AT ME!

Becca arrives in her black jumpsuit, ready to wash the day away with her third gin and tonic. Lincoln is the first to get some alone time and uses it to basically tell Becca that the entire house is scared of what Crazy Eddie will do because he will cut someone in their sleep for sure and then accuse them of killing his goldfish.

Of course Crazy Eddie interrupts. Becca wonders out loud why everyone in the house is threatened by his presence? Crazy Eddie is literally shocked by this piece of information and begs Becca to admit that she’s joking. She’s not. She’s very serious. In fact, I saw her look down at the holes in the knees of his jeans and I’m sure she questioned if he was so angry that he pulled the material out with his bare hands.

Garrett arrives and Becca pleads with her eyes for him to steal her. PLEASE! Crazy Eddie leaves and then she asks for five minutes alone to herself before promising to come find Garrett again. Garrett obliges and then proceeds to rip Crazy Eddie a new one in the most gentlemanly way possible. He is sick and tired of having his woman in a bad head space when this chach is around. NO MORE.

Eddie ignores Garrett and picks a fight with Conner. He wants to know if he’s afraid to stay in a room with him. Conner is all, “Who me?” I’m all, “I don’t want to see your cleavage anymore, Conner. Again, button up.”

Colton puts two and two together and figures out that the culprit must be Lincoln since he’s the only one who has spoken to Becca so far. Lincoln back pedals and lies and makes up a different story than what he told Becca. Colton and Garret demand that everyone tighten up and act like men. Blake pops an antacid.

Becca returns in a proper head space and listens as Garrett recites his “closing arguments” from the afternoon’s debate. She smiles when Wills tells her that he’s falling for her, and melts into Colton’s arms who concludes that a major mug down session is just what Becca needs at this exact moment.

It turns out, Colton was right. He gets the date rose.

Second One-On-One Date
Leo
“The World is Our Oyster”

Becca is emotionally exhausted. Leo is the perfect person to accompany her when she’s distracted because he doesn’t really talk, he doesn’t really know how to kiss, and he begins every sentence with, “You’re so hot.” The one thing that she didn’t anticipate was how tight they would be wedged into the back of a puddle jumper plane when they flew in circles around Virginia.

But his brute and brawn did come in handy. Who else would you want to plunge their arm into a freezing body of water to pull out oysters? And whoever said oysters are an aphrodisiac never met Becca. Poor Leo probably would have scored major points if he had given her an electric blanket instead of a slimy mollusk.

At dinner, Leo tells a sad story about how he is disappointed in himself for not becoming a professional baseball player like his dad wanted him to be. Becca was kind enough to throw him a consoling bone by saying, “You are an amazing person. Don’t ever question that.”

And since she pretty much knew that she was ditching the drama queens Lincoln and Chris, along with Jimmy Neutron, she tosses Leo a pity rose before whisking him away for a private concert with country music artist Morgan Evans and two hundred of the same people who were in front of the capital earlier. Free tickets is the least ABC could do when one of the bachelors shouted profanities within earshot of children.

Pre-Rose Ceremony

Crazy Eddie journals all of this thoughts and feelings. Thank goodness Richard Marx and Wayne Newton taught him how to channel his injustices into the written word. He pays the ABC Intern twenty bucks to give him Becca’s hotel address and begins the lonely walk to his one true love. He tells the camera that he will never stop fighting for the woman he knows he’s supposed to be with.

He finds Becca still in her silver and black sequins zebra-print dress. He tells her that he can see himself marrying her at the end of this journey and my girl interrupts with a well placed, “What has changed since we last spoke? Because that’s a big step from you questioning if I was into you last week. Now you can see yourself proposing?”

Chris continues to play the “adversity is not going to stop me from what I want” card. And Becca turns a pretty crimson color that looks fabulous with that kicky dress. He whines about how he’s been attacked. Becca reminds him that he has participated in the attacking game, too. She volleys defenses in his direction and after looooong pauses, he always says, “What are you saying?”

She’s saying YA BASIC. Bye bye bye Crazy Eddie.

Finally Becca tells him that she doesn’t want to drag him through an entire rose ceremony. She knows what she wants and that is for him to leave.

Crazy: “So what are you saying?”
Becca: “Can I walk you out?”
Crazy: “I don’t need a walk out.”
Becca: “Well, I’m going to give you respect and walk you out.”
Lincee: “This is code for home girl needs to make sure the cray cray walks out the door for realz and doesn’t linger around balconies or open doors.”

I love that there was a rejection SUV waiting for him. What are the odds that the Governor was in the driver’s seat?

Becca knows that Chris is an angry person and she vows to never have any more nonsense around her. That’s why she gets rid of Lincoln, too. Conner was just an innocent bystander in a rather large bow tie.

Now that the riffraff is gone, maybe Blake can calm down and pick up some lost ground. It appears that Colton and Jason are our frontrunners, with Garrett and Wills not far behind. Also, there’s Leo. Bless him.