Wow. It’s week two and Bachelorette Becca is already showing signs that this journey to find love is going to full of road blocks and detours. In fact, the entire cast seems to be hyper-sensitive about her every move. Many have expressed deep feelings after their ninety-second meet and greet from night one, while others have succumbed to testosterone-filled acts of aggression.

And poor David is called about by Our Host Chris Harrison with a simple, “I don’t remember you from night one.”

Without his chicken suit, David is just another brunette guy running in the middle of the pack next to that guy who has slicked back hair and that other guy who has hair, too. It’s hard to keep up.

I totally get Chris Harrison.

Harrison has been doing this for a very long time. When he asks the guys if they want some advice, many lean in to absorb the wisdom Hare is about to drop. Others lean in to try and capture some of his essence, positive that his mojo has lingering power.

Our Host has one warning for the gentlemen: Make the most of your time with Becca.

Interesting. That’s like saying, “wear deodorant” or “keep your shirt unbuttoned to a non-chach level.” I’m pretty sure those who leaned in for the essence got more bang for their buck on that one.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

GROUP DATE ONE
“I’m ready for my big day”
NFL Clay
Nick
Crazy Eddie Chris
Chicken David
Jean Blanc
Jordan
Conner
Lincoln

Becca greets her guys wearing a long, white sheath dress. It’s clear something fancy is about to happen. She escorts the men into a roomful of classy tuxedos and enough champagne to float a battleship. Becca wants to pamper her fellas like she was on her first date with Arie.

Heaven forbid we hit the thirty-minute mark without mentioning that guy, right?

She tells the group to “find their suits” and then stands there pretending that she’s embarrassed to witness them all strip down to their skivvies.

Here’s what we learn: Lincoln is ripped and immediately draws attention to himself by just standing there topless. Conner has an impressive six pack and surprisingly Nick has a lot going on under his tuxedo shirt. I forgot to check out Jordan’s physique because I was distracted by his incessant need to teach everyone how to walk a runway and smize for the camera.

The second best line of the night was delivered flawlessly by Becca: “Are you a model?”

YES!!! I tip my hat to you, good woman. Take him down a few notches!

Because Jordan suffers from “Russian Nesting Doll Syndrome” (aka: full of himself) he transcribes Becca’s question as a form of adoration. He sits down next to her and explains in great detail the steps one must take to be the best model in the world.

Jordan: “Before you put on anything, like your panty hose, put on confidence first. That’s the secret.”
Becca: “Got it.”
Lincee: “But what if my panty hose have runs in them and I have to wear something more casual from the early ‘90s? Do I put on the confidence before I put on my denim overalls or after I tie the flannel shirt around my waist? And will my Liz Claiborne perfume cancel out the confidence boost?”

Naturally the guys think they are about to attend a formal event, but Becca has something down and dirty and directly janked from Rachel’s season last year. Who doesn’t love a gross obstacle course?

Speaking of Rachel, there she is with her beloved What’s His Name! Aren’t they adorable. Someone put on her confidence this morning and is glowing!

Rachel explains that the guys are about to get really messy because this particular obstacle course showcases cooking oil, eggs, whipped cream, and probably Germ Squirt. Let’s face it, if the franchise has a superfluous amount of anything, it’s antibacterial hand sanitizer.

Rachel also explains that there’s a whole lot of symbolism going on here. Relationships are messy, right? You have to prove your love by running across a slip-n-slide, standing in a barrel of ice cold water, climbing a lubed up wall, crawling under a fence, and searching for a ring buried in a wedding cake. Just like real life.

The ABC Intern hands out protective safety gear. Everyone puts on their goggles and snaps their helmets in place. Well, Jordan does that thing where he puts the helmet on the back of his head like a girl graduating from high school who doesn’t want to mess up her bangs. All is well.

Becca blows the whistle and the guys take off. Chained to their ankle is a ball, which makes running through Crisco extra difficult. Many fall and stumble, but most reach the ice barrel at the same time. They flip their timer over and wait for the sand to drain. The guys are freaking out, shouting explicatives as Rachel’s dude encourages them to not worry about shrinkage.

May I point out that Clay has cupped his own family jewels and stands unaffected by the water. Apparently ice baths are a thing in the NFL and he has all the patience in the world to wait for his sand to drop.

Do you know who doesn’t have patience? Lincoln. Conspiracy theorists claim that Lincoln knocked over his hourglass and took off for the slippery wall before his time was up. How do we know? Because none of the other dude’s sand was even close to being drained. He dominates the rest of the course, but fumbles near the end when he doesn’t place a nosegay of flowers in a vase. He loses most of his lead when he has to double back.

Several contestants reach the cake at the same time. There was only one rule given by Rachel’s dude, and it was unflinchingly rigid: You can’t use your hands.

When the guys reach the cake, most head straight for the icing, teeth first. This, of course, knocks the cake down, so everyone has to use their hands to keep the cake from falling on the ground. Most put their hands back behind their backs. Lincoln does not. He’s back in the lead when he finds the ring first.

The Chicken is not far behind. It’s neck and neck. Or wattle and wattle. But Lincoln pulls out the win in the last seconds. He’s rewarded with a kiss at the altar from Becca. The Chicken is quick to point out that Lincoln’s character is officially in question. Also, the group date rose is still up for grabs.

At the cocktail party, Becca steps out of her white fake wedding dress, bathes in confidence, and slips into something a little more binding. The red romper was a sight to behold. It somehow managed to have a plunging neckline, but also go up her rear. She barely has time to sit down, which is a good thing I imagine, before Lincoln snaps her up to applaud her efforts on such a fun group date.

She hands him a commemorative 8×10 photo of their “wedding” and Lincoln is smitten. And proud. And arrogant. He displays the photo right on top of the group date rose. Conner’s jealous rage begins to simmer on low heat.

The scene switches from guy to guy, all telling Becca that she’s the coolest. Crazy Eddie Chris wants to marry a girl just like his mom and sister. Nick wants Becca to remember that he has abs. The Chicken wants someone who can push him intellectually. Clay is here to build a relationship. JB wants to snuggle in a Native American blanket and smooch on Becca’s “beautiful soft lips” (blech.) And Conner’s in a bad mood because his sternum is so cold from his shirt buttoning decision.

When Lincoln starts to kiss the picture, Conner takes it and tosses it on the ground. Lincoln picks it back up and puts it on the table. Conner picks it up again and this time tosses it into the swimming pool. To Lincoln’s defense, he does not get up and make a scene. He just calls Conner a wanker and sips his gin and tonic.

Later, he finds Becca and asks her for another picture because Conner smashed is original. He claims Conner has zero respect for either of them. It’s clear that Becca is super annoyed that her first group date is already steeping in drama. She pulls Conner away to inquire if he has a history with such severe aggression?

Conner stands firmly by his “it rubbed me the wrong way” defense and admits that his reaction was not appropriate. Duh. He begins to back pedal when Becca tells him she needs time to think and now isn’t the best time to get to know each other.

You’re an official dill weed, Conner. Was it worth it?

An emotionally exhausted Becca gives JB the rose because he didn’t smash another man’s property, he didn’t tattle on anyone, and he smelled divine when she kissed him.

Notice I wrote “she kissed him.” Becca was running the kissing booth and handing the goods out for free. But only one guy was lucky enough to score the real prize — a one-on-one date with Lil Jon.

Becca was there, too.

ONE-ON-ONE
Blake
“Let’s Lose Control”
There’s a lot of excitement leading up to this date. It’s Blake’s first limo ride and Becca’s first time to let Our Host Chris Harrison plan an evening. Both think it’s going to be off the hook, until they notice their surroundings as the limo driver pulls into a sketch neighborhood, compete with graffiti, barbed wire, and thug raccoons looking for trouble.

Suddenly, Harrison walks toward the couple, holding a sledge hammer. I’ve never been more attracted to anything in my entire life. For real. The man doesn’t have to put on his confidence. It just oozes out without trying.

He points to a pair of coveralls and instructs them to change. Apparently, it’s a new rule that no one can wear his or her planned wardrobe on dates anymore. Becca eyes the frumpy attire and makes lululemonade out of lemons. She pairs the hideous beast with a stylish belt and tight rolls the bottom of the pants. Crisis averted.

Blake and Becca walk into a mysterious warehouse filled with her memories from Arie’s season. I don’t understand. Can we not function without mention of Arie’s proposal take back and Becca’s subsequent heartbreak? Give it a rest, people. We get it.

Because life is delightfully random, Lil Jon rounds the corner to wax on philosophically about how Becca needs to let go of her bad memories by destroying a bunch of stuff that reminds her of Arie. Here’s a crowbar. Get to cracking.

Becca smashes the windows out of a race car while Lil Jon deejays the therapy session. Blake takes a baseball bat to an aquarium full of fake fish. They even destroy the infamous breakup couch. Blake loves seeing Becca so happy.

He grabs a bottle of champagne and escorts Becca to a new couch that is not soaked with all of her tears and snot. Lil Jon reads the room and turns up the volume on the preset Jim Brickman setlist. Becca is excited that her faith has been restored in men. She smashes her champagne glass on the ground. The ABC Intern flinches. Those weren’t on the official “okay to destroy” list and now he’s responsible for two Waterford flutes. So long plane ticket to Mexico.

At dinner, Becca and Blake decide that they are the same person. He was in a fast and furious relationship that ended in an unexpected breakup. Other than the fact that Becca’s debacle unfolded on national television, I can see the similarities.

I’ll admit that Blake is growing on me. The denim pearl snap certainly helped sway me in his direction. Becca gives him the date rose because she really likes him and “their story so far.”

Now I know what you’re wondering…what did I think about that wall kiss? Look, a wall kiss in any form is a good thing, but I’m a purist. I’d like for the wall kiss to be initiated by the person not leaning against the wall. Was it a good kiss? Yes. Did Becca wrap her hands around Blake’s neck and pull her toward him so he would be up against her on the wall? Yes. Did Blake know what to do once he got there? Absolutely.

Arie did it better. BLASPHEMY. I know. It’s my opinion, but it’s true.

SECOND GROUP DATE
“Love comes at you hard and fast.”
Garrett
Random Rickey
Venmo
Banjo Ryan
Alex
Crazy Eddie Chris
Who’s That Trent
Leo
Wills
Colton

A school bus pulls up the mansion driveway and all the guys go nuts. Clearly these whack jobs have never ridden the big yellow dog before. It’s not something one traditionally gets excited to experience. They head to a gymnasium and find Becca waving in a tied up white tank top and shiny silver shorts.

Have you ever payed the game at a bridal shower where you had to make a dress out of toilet paper? First of all, I’ve spoken to all of the women in the world and we voted to shut that tradition down. Second, imagine that same scenario, but with tin foil, and you’ve got Becca’s shorts. Awful does not begin to describe it. It’s what one might find in the naughty department of Party City if “sexy astronaut” was a thing.

Three kids from ABC casting pretend to be children who rib the guys for not knowing how to play dodge ball. I wanted Jordan to say his plastic surgeon doesn’t like when balls fly toward his face, but he wasn’t on this date. Darn it.

After a few practice rounds, Becca announces that they will be playing a game in front of a live studio audience fill with people holding signs like “Grab life by the balls” and “Arie is a moron.” Fred Willard is back to commentate with Chris Harrison. He rambles on about playing volleyball in the nude. He also said, “Flying balls are pure joy.”

#balls

The boys change (of course they do) into hot pink and florescent green shorty shorts and tanks. They play dodge ball on trampolines. The green team dominates, however, Leo is on the pink team and is always the last man standing. He wears this fact like his man bun — high and tight.

The green team wins and his awarded a big trophy for being awesome. Unlike seasons before, the losers don’t have to go home. They all get to enjoy the cocktail party and not one loser smashes the trophy on the ground because it’s sitting there mocking them.

Garrett is the first person to get some one-on-one time. He was surprisingly absent this episode, which makes me wonder if creative editing has come into play since the discovery of his social media scandal.

Wills endears himself to Becca by praising his parents’ marriage. He gets extra points, and a consoling kiss, when he becomes so emotional he can’t speak. Wills offers Becca his jacket when he spies her shivering in the cold. It was black with silver embroidered flowers. Both Becca and I coveted the garment and it has since been purchased on my end. Thanks Amazon!

Last week we learned that Colton is a virgin. This week, he makes a big production of how he has to tell Becca something before he goes any further in this process. We are led to believe that his laminated v-card is the “something.” We were wrong. Mike Fleiss strikes again!

Colton tells Becca that he dated Tia back in January. “It was a great weekend together, and I had a good time, but for me the timing wasn’t right to grow what was a spark into a flame. If I liked her, I wouldn’t have come on the show.”

I have a few questions:

• How long ago was January?
• Why didn’t Tia say something to Becca before the show? Did she know?
• Does “a great weekend together” translate to dating?

The best thing Colton did was keep his mouth shut. He manned up and told her the truth, then he sat back and let her process however long she needed. When she told him she wanted time to think, he simply responded, “I get that.”

Once again, Becca is a sad clown when the rose ceremony rolls around. She gives Wills the rose in exchange for his dope jacket because she high key loves it.

ROSE CEREMONY
Becca waltzes in from the freshly sprayed driveway wearing a gorgeous royal blue gown. She addresses the guys with her first “I’m not going to lie” catch phrase of the night and slightly reprimands them for bringing all the drama this week. The boys hear her plea and work hard to make it up in many remarkable ways.

Clay teaches her a celebration end zone dance that sums up with a kiss.

Venmo writes her a poem and then kisses her. PINEAPPLE.

Conner frames a picture of himself from the obstacle course and asks Becca to toss it into the swimming pool because he’s not that guy. The ABC Intern has to jump into the germy water because the filter has already been compromised by other unmentionable items.

Jordan takes off all of his clothes, except his Gucci loafers and Calvin Klein boxer briefs, and struts around the house holding his oxford shirt like a chach. He marches straight up to Becca and interrupts The Chicken for some alone time of his own. The Chicken literally gets co$# blocked.

That joke works on so many levels.

Most of the guys claim this is a “bold” move which is code for “Jordan is not living his best life and we love that.” The Chicken gets his feathers ruffled when Jordan comes back draped in a cashmere blanket fetched from Pier One. They bicker like children.

Chicken: “You’re being disrespectful.”
Jordan: “I’m multi-dimensional. I’m not just a guy with good hair.”
Leo: “Show me Clint Eastwood! Now pensive. Now back to Eastwood!”

The argument lasts way too long and I’m disappointed that The Chicken was sucked in so quickly to Jordan’s crazy.

Meanwhile, Becca finds Colton to discuss Tiagate. She’s “not going to lie” so she admits that she’s struggling with the decision. He respects her 110%, or more accurately 100%, and listens as she asks for more time so she can get clarity to see if she wants to invest in this blatant attraction she has for this man.

Getting clarity means that Colton stays. It also means that he will be confronted next week by Tia herself when she comes with the other girls to size up the gentlemen vying for Becca’s hand in marriage. Well played, Fleiss.

Becca gives roses to:
One-On-One Blake
Embroidery Jacket Wills
JB
Crazy Eddie Chris
Jason
Venmo
NFL Clay
The Beast
Connor
Leo
The Chicken
Garrett
Nick
Banjo Ryan
Criston
Jordan (she pins the rose on his blanket)
Lincoln
Colton

Rickey, Trent, and Alex get the boot. Poor Alex is both speechless and crying ugly tears. Someone is overtired and forgot to put on his confidence. Bless his heart.

Next week we have a football game, a head injury with blood, and Jordan proclaiming is professionally with his face. I’m in. Who are you rooting for? Is Blake officially the top guy now? Will Garrett make a comeback? Can Lincoln recover from his smashed property without crying again? Sound off in the comments section!