Bachelorette Hannah Recap: My Bologna Has a First Name
I think the only way we are going to get through the remaining episodes of Hannah’s journey to potentially screw up her life is through the power of camaraderie, deep breathing exercises, and watching old clips of Sean Lowe’s season on YouTube.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
ABC’s magic animated map takes us from Latvia to The Netherlands. Hannah frolics among hundreds of different colored tulips and a windmill, pontificating over the cold hard truth that she has seven young bucks left and only four airplane tickets to hometowns.
We see the guys chillin beside the bike racks. Mercifully, ABC left the obligatory “WE LOVE YOU HANNAH” on the editing room floor. There’s a lot to unpack this episode and we have little time for such frivolity.
Tyler draws the short straw and is forced to stand next to Luke. Hannah walks up in a pale pink coat and I immediately assume the first one-on-one date is goat herding.
It was not.
Let the record show that technically, all of the remaining gentlemen have received a one-on-one date previously in the season. Let the record also show that Tall Connor’s was cut short, thanks to Hannah’s mental exhaustion in Rhode Island. It’s understandable that Connor would be a teeny bit upset that Jed landed the first one-on-one.
Jed and Hannah walk away hand-in-hand. Tyler delivers two stellar lines in a row, generally asking the group, “He didn’t bring his guitar, did he?” Classic.
He also responds when Luke addresses the group: “I hope my time this week isn’t robbed from myself. Or you guys. She needs as much as she can get with time this week.”
Instead of saying, “That doesn’t make sense,” Tyler tells Luke that he is the reason why time is of the essence, because Luke sucks the life out of every room he enters. Let’s roll the tape and point out when Luke is the common denominator in tense situations that lead to cancelled cocktail parties.
Tyler: “You need to snip it in the butt.”
He’s so pretty.
Jed and Hannah eat their weight in chocolates, hoping to squelch whatever sickness is hanging over Hannah. They heel click (twice) in front of a street performer cranking an old-timey organ. There was no monkey.
Then they sit down at an outdoor cafe, fatigued thanks to Hannah’s mono. Ironically an old couple (who happens to speak English) is super interested in the romantic makeup of Jed and Hannah’s relationship. Since they’ve been married for 54 years, the couple gives the young ones some advice: “It’s written in the stars.”
Not advice, but I’ll allow it.
Hannah admits to Jed that she’s had trouble opening up to him because her feelings are so strong. He encourages her by sticking his tongue down her throat.
That night at dinner, Hannah salutes Hilary Clinton by wearing her favorite Crayola red power suit. Unlike Hils, Hannah opts to leave her Oxford button down in the hotel room. Because there’s so much uncovered skin and half boob, she pairs the ensemble with a necklace made of iron pieces from the Game of Thrones throne. The jewelry can also double as a weapon if things get heated later.
Hannah tells Jed exactly what he does not want to hear: “I have feelings for multiple people. Also, I don’t want to hurt anybody.” Jed has always known this is an intricate game of chess, so he must respond wisely. He praises her for being honest and offers to “take it on for you.” Even if it means hearing things that don’t make him happy.
All of life’s events are relevant. Her confession could be song-worthy, which could lead to his big break in Nashville.
Hannah LOVES that he offered to be her relationship sounding board. Her features change into a genuine happy face and she divulges that she felt something while clicking her heels in front of the monkey-less organ. Ten minutes and a thousand feeling words later, she admits that she is falling in love with Jed.
Jed gets the rose. When the camera zooms in on their celebratory make out sesh, we see that Hannah’s magnum eyelashes are a little worse for wear, thanks to her infectious illness.
“Will You Ride Into the Sunset With Me?”
Hannah dresses in beige, to match her sickly mood, but keeps things kinky by representing another necklace from the GoT collection. Tyler arrives in his tightest lumberjack outfit, ready to explore The Hague with his best gal.
When he learns the exploring will be on horseback, Tyler confesses that the animals make him nervous. Hannah informs him that horses can sense anxiety, so he will need to tuck those nerves back in. She rakes her hands down the front of his buffalo check and declares she has “given him some positive energy.”
Whatever. She just wants to feel his abs. I get it.
Both mount their perspective horses from the wrong side. Neither horse “knows how to go.” Probably because they were pulling the reins back.
My favorite part was when the horses went rogue. Hannah tries to clop over to a street vendor to score a waffle or two, but Seabiscuit isn’t having it. She’s also denied ice cream, but Tyler manages to get Maximus to stop by that street vendor. He pays for the desserts and then Maximus walks off before Tyler can snag the cones.
And in what will go down as one of the grossest moments in Bachelor franchise history, Tyler JOKINGLY tells a street vendor that Hannah would love to sample his pickled herring. To his utter surprise, Hannah is game.
You know how in Roman times, servants used to feed grapes to their master by hanging the bunch over the person’s head? Imagine that, but replace the grapes with a grey, slimy, raw filet.
Hannah chomps down like a boss. Her response? “It’s not that bad. Salty.”
Remember, this is the girl who ate a fish eye at a market and a bug in the jungle to impress Cole-en.
Tyler shifts in his saddle as Hannah returns the favor, holding the grey, slimy, raw filet (dear Lord why?) high above Tyler’s contorted mouth.
Tyler bites down like a squirrel. His response?
Note 1: They ate/gagged the herring on top of their horses.
Note 2: Hannah ragged Tyler for having a “weak stomach.”
Note 3: I laughed hysterically. It wouldn’t be the last time this episode.
After Tyler washes his pickled herring down with the ice cream he paid for half an hour ago, he and Hannah sit and discuss life, love, and other mysteries. Tyler wants to keep things focused on Hannah. He is sad that the cocktail parties have not worked out. He understand that SHE needs that time, too.
Hannah wants him to expand on that thought. “How are you feeling with all this?”
Tyler shares that he gets in his own head. He’s had trouble sleeping. And Latvia was hard for him.
Hannah: I want to know all the details.
Tyler: Well, I guess I was comparing myself to other people.
Hannah: I want to know exactly what you were thinking.
Lincee: He just told you.
Tyler: This is a hard process and it just got to me.
Hannah: Don’t hold back. Tell me your struggles.
Lincee: Comparison games. Weird dating process. Trouble sleeping. He. Just. Told. You.
Tyler: Do you mean with you and me?
Hannah: When you’re honest, I’m honest.
Lincee: Here’s a thought: Always be honest.
Hannah: If you invite me in, I’ll accept it. But I need to know you’re in this thing.
Are the antibiotics messing with her brain right now? What is going on? Could this be a red flag that Tyler isn’t emotionally as far along as Jed? Why is she trying to pull something out of him?
Before these questions can be answered, we must address the fact that Hannah straight up forgot her pants at dinner. The shoulder pads were out and proud. Her boobs were on display for all to ogle. And if she thought about sneezing, all the Dutch people in the land would definitely see the bits and pieces of her undercarriage.
Hannah is still holding a torch for their earlier conversation and tells Tyler that she wants to know “the dirty and raw.”
For some reason, Tyler did not look her up and down and say, “You’re the dirty and raw” while Z-snapping in front of her cleavage. Tyler figured out (or was told) that he needed to share a heartstring story with Hannah or things would go south.
He tells Hannah that he has trouble opening up because his parents are divorced. He then shares narrates a rags to riches story that ends with the market crashing and Tyler’s family having to move out of their waterfront home. His biggest fear is a failed marriage.
Hannah is relieved Tyler finally opened up. She pins the date rose on his purple velvet Hugh Hefner smoking jacket. Then they make out in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. I’d like to point out that there’s zero chance Hannah’s bare butt wasn’t touching that leather seat.
Before I get to our final one-on-one, I have to mention poor Tall Connor. When Mike’s name was called as the recipient of the final solo date, he took matters into his own hands and paid the ABC Intern a few euros and Tyler’s leftover jar of pickled herring in exchange for Hannah’s room number.
When he knocks on her door, she is both shocked and excited to see him. Unfortunately things don’t turn out the way Connor was hoping. He goes in ready with a speech about how they’ve barely spent time together, yet he knows she would love his family.
He leaves in a black rejection SUV. Presumably to take him to the airport. Where he will hop a plane to Mexico and find love on Bachelor in Paradise.
THIRD ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“I’m Drawn To You”
I pegged Mike as the Mayor of Hannah’s Friend Zone weeks ago. Sure they biked around and posed together half nude on a chaise lounge while a woman abstractly painted them (like one of Jack’s French girls) but it is clear that Hannah just isn’t feeling Big Mike.
What she is feeling is extreme guilt and probably a headache from her severe hairdo.
Hannah putters around an empty Mauritshuis and stops in front of “Girl with a Pearl Earring.” There were a few tears as she took in the extraordinary art.
Then she moves on to gaze on the wonder that is (according to Wikipedia) “St. Catherine.” It’s a woman, simultaneously wielding a sword and reading a Bible, while a band of idiot men kerfuffle behind her. This brings Hannah to snotty, mascara running tears.
I think we call this life imitating art.
Mike arrives in a glass elevator and Hannah is void of any emotion other than turmoil. She immediately drags Mike to the designated pretend eating area. There’s no time to comment on the fact that she is essentially wearing the same ice skating outfit Kristi Yamaguchi wore in the short program in Barcelona.
Hannah explains her mental state is a result from “being here and getting to see all the art and stuff.” Through more tears and hiccups, she tells Mike that he is not the one. Then she loses it.
Big Mike understands, as we knew Big Mike would. He thanks her for being honest and affirms that “this had to be hard.” Then he has to wait two minutes for the elevator to arrive before Hannah escorts him into the glass box of emotion. He later tells the camera in the rejection SUV that Hannah stuck a dagger in his heart, pulled it out, and stomped on it.
Calm down, Big Mike. Hitch a ride to Mexico with Connor or hold out for the next Bachelor position.
Meanwhile, back at the bro hotel, Tyler, Jed, and Garrett roll their eyes when Luke acknowledges that he would be perfectly fine if they came to take away Big Mike’s suitcase.
Tyler can’t stand it anymore and goes for the jugular: “Usually the villain is a tall, tough guy, but you’re only five-foot-eight. There are five guys who have to put up with you and we can’t stand you.”
Then a young woman comes in to take Big Mike’s bag away. If smiles could kill, Luke would be a slayer. His point? It’s simple math. That’s one more rose up for grabs.
Peter, Garrett, Luke
After Tyler tells Peter and Garrett that he will be praying for them (hilarious), Garrett worries that Luke is going to do some sort of weird Hail Mary pass to win Hannah’s heart on the date. So he tells Luke to stay in his lane, but he said it with harsher words.
Jed goes for broke and tells Luke to “keep your head out of your a$$.” Luke smiles and tells Jed that out of all the remaining guys, he never expected him to have the balls to tell him that. Respect.
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.
Hannah wears her most colorful, tightest pencil skirt and highest heels to teeter around on cobblestone. They eventually go inside to awkwardly sit around a table, while Hannah toasts to a day with no drama.
Luke steals her away and brings the drama. He tattles on Jed for the a$$ remark and casually throws in, “I expected that from Tyler” and then throws Garrett under the bus.
When it’s Garrett’s turn to talk to Hannah, he reminds her that he was nervous to tell her he was falling in love, but now he has a total peace about it.
Hannah: Cool, cool. Now what did you say to Luke? He said you were being fake nice to him?
Garrett tries to knit together a response that makes sense, without bringing the drama, but falls short. He claims he was frustrated in the moment and dealt with his anger by giving Luke short, abrupt answers. Hannah wonders why Garrett just didn’t walk away?
I wonder why I haven’t just walked away, too.
Garrett then accidentally sticks his foot in his mouth. He whines to Hannah that once again, he can’t share all of his touchy feely thoughts because their time inevitably turns into The Luke P. Show.
Hannah [delivered in an ice cold tone]: I’m sorry that I brought him up, but it’s what I needed to talk about.
Nail in the coffin. Sayonara G-Man. Long live the hero hair.
Naturally Garrett accuses Luke of not staying in his own lane. Some make this phrase a drinking game and are sloshed in the next five minutes.
Garrett gets all creepy and pokes the bear with a rock, then a stick, then double finger pistols, then a staring contest, some lunch meat, then actual words. He takes a page out of Luke’s Manipulation 101 textbook and taunts Luke with “Hannah appreciated what I had to say about you.”
This sends Luke into full-blown rage mode. He picks up the lunch meat on the table and tosses a pile of bologna in Garrett’s lap. Why? BECAUSE HE IS A PILE OF BOLOGNA.
Oh yeah. He said it. Watch out.
Then he gets in Garrett’s face and shouts, “I’m not going to let you screw this up.”
Luke bustles outside and finds Peter in the designated place the producers told him to stand while the two yahoos inside made fools of themselves. He tries to process through his Garrett rage, but Peter cuts him off. Peter is mad that Luke did not keep his word when he promised to not talk about the other guys. And he is ticked that he has to go into his alone time with Hannah when she’s most likely in a horrible mood, thanks to Luke.
Peter plays it smart and just makes out with her the entire time. Between kisses, he affirms her beauty, goofiness, smarts, and smoking hot body. He throws in a “my heart if filled with happiness” for good measure.
Hannah gives Peter the date rose and they make it official by kissing on the balcony. Then she sends him away so she can deal with the remaining riffraff. Peter is none to happy to get the heck out of dodge. When he arrives back at the hotel, this happens:
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 2, 2019
If you don’t find true love on The Bachelorette, odds are you’ll find a bromance.
Next we have to suffer through a mini two-on-one with Garrett and Luke. Garrett’s plan is to pretend Luke doesn’t exist. Luke’s plan is to kill Garrett with kindness, so he can report back later how Garrett is mean to him, even when he says nice things.
Hannah arrives in her freshly skinned panther shrug. Her Spanx double as her actual outfit. She spends her alone time with Luke talking about his fleshly desires and how he found the Lord in the shower. Hannah tells the camera that she likes how he’s open about his faith.
Then they get horizontal on the couch. Memories of the grotto come flooding back and she remembers why she likes Luke.
After adjusting her hair and lipstick, Hannah forces herself to sit for a few minutes with Garrett. She feels just awful when he tells her that he LOVES her and that he is stoked for her to meet his family.
That makes it hella awkward when she holds the one remaining rose in her hand and tells the two guys on either side of her that she’s going with her gut (read: loins) and what her heart (read: tingling parts) tells her.
She hands the rose to Luke, who smiles and evil smile, and walks Garrett out to the rejection SUV. He kisses her eyelids, nose, and mouth (gross) and both agree to try and meet up at small group since they attend the same church in Birmingham. Roll tide.
SCENES FROM NEXT WEEK
As you all know, I don’t do spoilers. I am that girl who watched the “coming up” montage like I was looking for Easter eggs in a Taylor Swift video. Here’s what I discovered:
- We saw only two family members during hometowns. Presumably Luke and Tyler’s dads. Does that mean the hometown dates are going to be boring next week?
- Only three guys make it to the fantasy suite. Clearly Luke is one because they have the sex discussion at dinner. We can also see him kissing Hannah with Greece in the background.
- There’s also a shot of Jed topless with his guitar slung around his chest. I wouldn’t put it past him to have sexy times with his six string attached, but would this happen during hometowns? This feels fantasy suite-ish, right?
- Moreover, there’s a shot of Tyler and Hannah enjoying a couple’s massage. Do we think this could happen during hometowns? Perhaps. But it’s also a fantasy suite pregame situation if you ask me.
- We see a shot of Peter on a boat with Hannah. There are cliffs behind them. I’m told this could definitely be his hometown, considering he’s from California. However, there are no more superfluous shots of Peter.
- My theory: Peter doesn’t get a rose after hometown dates.
- Consider: Hannah tells Luke that she bleeped in a windmill. Twice. Was this windmill in Amsterdam? A place where windmills traditionally stand? And which contestant did she bleep in a windmill if it was in Amsterdam? Either Tyler or Jed, obviously. And how did they have time to bleep twice? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Think of it this way: One of these things is not like the other. I feel Jed and Tyler or adjacent “bad boy” types who have the potential to be a little rough around the edges. There’s an excitement that follows them. Also, I think Tyler is a player in real life.
We know Luke is a chach who has Hannah wrapped around his finger.
That leaves sweet, kind Peter. Yes, she’s attracted to him, and yes they get horizontal, but she gets horizontal with everyone. She’s a horn dog. Personality wise, Peter sticks out from the rest as different. He’s not as dangerous.
And, if a contestant ends up in fourth place, and the viewing audience thinks he’s adorable, it’s a no brainer that he will be considered for The Bachelor.
If that happens, I think it’s Peter and Big Mike up for the role. If ABC announces Big Mike on Bachelor in Paradise and Peter leaves next week, it’s definitely Peter.
Did I cover all the bases? What did I miss? Do my theories add up? Sound off in the comments section!