Bachelorette Hannah Finale Recap Part 2: Hannah Gets Clarity
Hannah found a man. Hooray! Then she dumped him for lying to everyone. Hooray again! Then she landed a date with her runner-up. So weird!
I’ll admit that when Hannah told Bachelor Nation “I don’t even know how this will end,” I was intrigued. I was also extremely irritated that her vague tease caused me to watch part two of the finale with a cautious heart. I never really invested in either guy, or Hannah for that matter, because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Clearly, something DRAMATIC was going to happen. Especially when the proposal unfolded around the thirty minute mark of a two-hour long show.
The guys look great. During the “getting dressed” montage, we are treated to a long drawn-out monolog from Hannah, explaining why Jed and Tyler are just as good as Week 2 Luke P.
Uncle Neil provides two very different, yet very much the same, huge diamond rings. Tyler chooses wisely, Jed does not, and everyone hops into their respective vehicles to head to the designated proposal area. Clearly the first setting burned to the ground. There’s no other reason why Hannah gets a pottery graveyard as her proposal environment instead of something picturesque and Grecian.
Before Hannah arrives to the place where statues go to get decapitated, she escapes her vehicle and takes to the street so she can both fall down and hyperventilate from the choice she’s about to make. After a quick talk with a blurry faced producer, Hannah is ready to give her heart to someone not named Luke.
Tyler is the first out of what is now a rejection SUV. He starts to spill his guts, promising Hannah love and clarity all the days of her life. She stops him mid-sentence to break his heart and sends him and his absolutely gorgeous eyes away. He wishes her all the best and heads home to build his Instagram followers using shirtless modeling pictures.
Hannah composes herself and musters a smile when Jed hops out of the winner’s SUV with his guitar. The sound you heard was a collective groan from the entire world. He sings his feelings, allows Hannah to tell him how he’s the one she’s been praying for, and then she gives him her final rose when he gives her Uncle Neil’s rock.
Cut to Our Host Chris Harrison looking S-U-P-E-R fly. He warns us that we are about to witness the shocking events that transpired since that day. Prepare for broken promises and broken hearts.
I’m not going to belabor anything here. The facts are simple. Jed had a “girlfriend” before he left the show. There are text messages and a handy People Magazine article to prove it. This bit of news was the worst kept Bachelor Nation secret in recent memory, so it’s no surprise Hannah has issues with Jed’s ability to tell the truth.
Pulling a chapter from Arie and Becca’s book, Hannah invites Jed over to someone’s starter home in the suburbs of Los Angeles. She wants answers. Jed’s defense? There are two very different stories.
Hannah: When did this start?
Jed: October. (Read: He left for Bachelorette in January.) When I met her I was very single. I didn’t think we were exclusive and I never felt like it was a relationship.
Hannah: How much time did you spend with her? Once? Twice?
Jed: We hung out.
Hannah: What does that mean?
Jed: Well, we took a writing trip together, then there was the time we hung out in Nashville, we saw a movie and stuff. We also stayed in a cabin. I got it for free, so duh.
Hannah: And you don’t call that dating?
Jed: I didn’t put a label on it.
Hannah: Were you hooking up with her?
Hannah: And other girls?
Jed: Yeah. Also, when we left the cabin, we went by my parents’ house to meet them. And then she threw me a surprise birthday party one night. And she booked us a trip to the Bahamas. It was a present from her parents.
DEAR IHGB READER: LET THE RECORD SHOW HE IS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS WOMAN. DO NOT CONFUSE THE OVERNIGHT DATES AND TROPICAL VACATIONS AS ANYTHING MORE THAN GENDER NEUTRAL FUN.
There were texts from other women AFTER he got back from “winning” the show. Hannah has pictures, screenshots, pop culture magazine articles, and calls from protective friends who have warned her not to move forward with Jed.
Interesting. His mother and sister said the same thing.
Jed tries to talk himself out of the hole, but he just digs it deeper. He apologizes, but Hannah isn’t having it. She’s furious that Jed robbed this experience from her. She can’t live a life full of half truths (aka: lies), so she takes off Uncle Neil’s rock and places it on the stranger’s table.
We move to the studio audience and listen as Chris grills her about what we just learned all over again. The crowd cheers when she confirms that the engagement is OVER. They sit in silence when evil Jed comes out to apologize fifteen more times, desperate to save his career that will undoubtedly suffer because of him being a chach.
Jed leaves and Hannah glows in the affirmation from all around. She’s strong and proud of the woman she’s become and is very single.
Well hello Tyler!
He looks really, really good. And because he’s a nice guy, he decides to forgive and forget that he was technically Hannah’s second choice. They agree to have a drink together and TMZ immediately offers to pay any stringer photographer a billion dollars for a candid shot of this spontaneous date.
Hannah’s journey petered out (no pun intended) at the end. By accepting the invitation to get a drink, Tyler has temporarily given up his bid to be the next bachelor or to test his immune system in Paradise.
That leaves Peter the Pilot and Big Mike. Who do you think will fill the shoes best?
And will you be watching the fifth unfold in Paradise? For four hours a week?
Send help, Jesus.